I have my hands in my pocket
as I paced on the aisle.
Wondering what went wrong.
The stillness of the night gave me reprieve from the raging emotions that're trying to break free off my chest.
Thinking when it all went wrong.
I stopped in front of the old wooden door and stared at it.
Replaying in my mind how you turned your back and ran.
And I told myself, "Love isn't enough."
My cynical persona had shown,
Into the black oblivion it blown,
I looked up the golden light,
I found nothing in my plight
I have waited ‘till morn,
I watched the sun be born,
I prayed for it to come back,
I know faith is what I lack
I walked the windy road,
In a slump as if I carry load,
On a dune I sat,
I welcomed it with a pat
I sat wistfully,
Remembering the day vividly,
I found not my cynicism,
Conviction is my fanaticism.
Something I have written in 2012. I don't know how this poem came about but I want to share it here.
Love. A word so simple yet its meaning eludes me. Like playing hide and seek. You know it's there, but you just can't seem to find it.
Or am I just thinking it? Maybe I am the one who's hiding from it. Maybe I am the one that it seeks.
Yet I remain hidden.
Because I am afraid.
Afraid not of love, but all that it entails.
I do not think it's wrong to hide from it. But until I am ready, I will keep myself tucked away.
I hope love waits.
I hope love finds its patience as I am not easily convinced.
Just give me time--just a brief respite.
Tomorrow, I will be the seeker.
Tomorrow, I will meet you halfway.
Until then, know that I will always love you.
You shine like the stars,
But I wane like the moon.
You burn like a flame,
But I dive under the waters.
Unable to look at your beauty.
Unable to withstand your passion.
My emotions are like the raging sea during a storm,
Uncontrollable and unforgiving.
Lashing out at everything.
Ravaging all that it can.
You are the warm rays of the sun in the morning.
Calming and peaceful.
Bringing joy to those who behold you,
Saving all that it can.
And I do not deserve that. Just as you do not deserve my chaos.
But darling I hope that you do not tire.
I beg you to await me.
Let me search for my anchor, so that I may finally be able to say, "I'm home."
The way you pulled me into the kiss was electrifying.
You embraced me as if I would disappear--tight and passionate.
The affirmation it led me to believe was blissful. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
It was the scene playing in my mind as you try to worm your out.
Out of this situation I can no longer control.
It was like I'm in a vortex, trying to reassert whatever control I have left.
Trying to swim ashore with all my might.
Trying to save whatever's left in the wreckage.
But it was all for naught.
I saw your face through eyes clouded with tears. Your face was full of confusion, anger and guilt.
I tried to pull you into my embrace but you pulled away.
You pulled away like I was a fiery coal you accidentally touched.
It was then that I got my affirmation: I wasn't enough.
I had to let go.
Each night I look at the bright sky and think to myself: how nice would it be if I could just fly away?
Without fear, and without looking back.
And to leave everything behind. Without fear and shame.
To let to go of things tethering me--feelings I want to hide and thoughts I'd rather bury at the deepest recesses of my mind.
Thoughts so cluttered even I would drown in them: words, images, memories, and feelings.
I would rather escape them.
But all these are part of me; escape is futile.
I could embrace them.
I am not perfect, and I should accept that imperfection is part of me.
I should accept that chaos is not always bad.
I should accept that there is beauty in chaos.
I am chaotic.
I am beautiful.
I can't fathom how a night such as this can bring out the ghosts I've tried so hard to avoid.
Perhaps, they aren't ghosts at all.
Perhaps, I've just been under the sunlight in so long that I've forgotten.
They were silhouettes of cluttered thoughts and feelings I promised I would fix.
They were voices in the night trying to pull me back to reality.
But tonight, I closed my eyes and ignored the ghosts.
Tonight is about the moonlight I bask myself in.
Tonight, I smiled and waited for the dawn.
I waited 'til I felt the gentle touch of the warm sunshine on my skin.
I opened my eyes, and thought to myself: the ghosts can wait.