It wasn't a peak on the your upper lip,
or a little smooch to tell that we were a couple,
it was sort of ...
intimate.
Like we were supposed to do this,
have a moment to make this what we had to be real,
to show the world that love kind of exists in a way.

In short,
our first kiss was real.
It was hot and melty,
warm and intoxicating,
I was in love with how you bit my lip
and tugged at my lower lip,
like you knew that's how I liked it.
I was wildly impressed with this,
sense you don't seem to be the type of person
to be a little wild.

Hmmm... when I think of it now,
this doesn't feel like our first.
I feel like I'v kissed you before,
but I think not with my lips.

I think our first was when we first met,
when our eyes met for the first time.
you took me your arms one time,
and I felt warm inside
like I was supposed to be there
with you.
And you wrapped yourself into me and we just was still,
like everything was frozen in time.

Our moments told the future of
what would become of us,
of what we would be in our lives,
how we would mean so much soon,
and how much I would love you
and how much you love me.
Even now,
when we touch in the littlest of ways,
I feel so beautiful,
so wonderfully touched by your soul
and where we have gone into the world.
I love you
and our first and second kiss .

she loved me for a night,
and I loved her for a lifetime.
But shes like the wind....
always moving.

Making way to the backyard,
I felt a sense of calmness, purity on this particular
hot, summer night.
I went to the place where the light was dim
and the stars and moon glistened like diamonds and pearls,
where the winds were warmer and the night longer,
where the vibe was the realest and where I was the coldest.
I escaped from reality there into my world,
where I know I can be the real me.
I lay on my blanket on a patch of summer grass,
feeling the wave of fresh green under the texture of the cloth
and as I watched the sky and the stars roll by me to oblivion,
I felt all my worries build in my lungs.
I could feel all my troubles leak over the point of no return,
I exhale.
I exhale and it feel it rush out of my lungs in one fail swoosh,
Ive never felt so…. Beautiful.
It was the most beautiful thing ive ever felt in my whole life,
the most beautiful feeling anyone can feel in the world,
warmer than a sauna,
melting as I synced to the music playing in the background,

I realized this could only last the night
every time I lost myself in the exhaling, the music.
I realize this can only last the night
and its worth every second til the dawn,
every smile ive ever smiled and could in a lifetime,
every dime ever spent on relaxing at some ridiculous beach
across the ocean in the middle of nowhere.
I know what I had now could only last til the dawn --- where I had
to resume my reality that I had to label as my life.
So, I exhale and wait for the dawn to creep over the clouds and shine
its unforgiving light on me to tell me…
”Its over. Another day, you can wait until I come
over the clouds and on to you but now… resume the life you live, my love.”

I will be back to my backyard again, and I will wait until the dawn once again.

I have secrets,
too many to explain.
I have secrets that I have to push back, far past my mind.
far past my mental is at existing,
locked in a black box with the word Truth spread over its surface.

Truth.

It holds the memories ive forgetten,
keeping me ignorant of my past that used to haunt me at times,
not just in dreams but in the day,
everything reminding me of who I really am.
its the part of me ive locked away so no one can see
because its the real, raw me.
its the person ive tried to forget for a long time,
the person that is crazy and untamed,
haunted by the past she once was.
It holds parts of my heart thats broken off and I cant put back together just yet,
holding them until I can find the right brand of super glue to put piece them back together,
holding them until I realize my heart is hurt and needs repairing but until then…
Im not whole just yet.

Sometimes… something sets off the person inside,
wearing down the box, making it wither and age before its time.
the box is cracks and leaks the secrets it holds slowly,
breaking me down with it,
making the pain I once felt,
making the scars I thought was healed …
Known.
The anger pours in, the sadness deepens and im right back where I was
those years ago,with the little heart I had left in the palm of my hand.
But I have to breathe through all of it and just… catch whats came of the box
and put it where it belongs until the time comes.

Truth spills only when I let go and lose myself,
lose the love and emotion.
I am the master of the box inside my mental and thats all to it.

Whats on My Mental Pt. 1 .

I was never blind to who you were,
what you were at the very start.
you moved like smoke in the room,
the vapor you trailed behind you wasnt hard to see
which gave me the first incarnation that you were no good,
But the way you smoothly made your way to me,
I couldnt resist the vibe you poured out.

moments passed by,
my vision was blurred by the kisses and the affection,
and the "love" that you endlessly flashed in front of my face.
my vision was foggy with your scent -- so intoxicating you came to be to me,
almost like your scent is what dragged me to you in the first place.
my vision was blurred with the lies you told,
the deceit you dripped onto my reality making
what I thought we had a fantasy.
but right before I was going to open up to you,
really give you me like a *******,
I realized who the **** I am and wiped away my eyes,
got my eye drops and saw right through you, my love.
the fog clears, and there you are ---
Nothing.

I only wear my red lipstick
when im feeling sinister,
when im feeling poisonous.
I only wear my red lipstick
when im on the prowl,
searching for my prey,
ready to pounce.
I only wear my red lipstick
when im loving you,
when I feel close to you,
when I feel close to you,
almost melting.

I only wear my red lipstick
for you.

the first you see when you see me
are my big, round brown eyes.
brown as dark amber hitting the sun,
rounder than the moon.
you think they are beautiful,
an entrancing color that I possessed,
full of wonder and searching for
something to create and discover.
the most beautiful eyes you've ever seen --
but I know you see more than what you think,
just a little more than what you see...
tell me

tell me, what do you think my eyes
have seen ?
what have they seen over the years,
what have they witnessed?
do you think they hold secrets,
many truths.. or many lies ?

what do you see trapped in the specks of amber in my eyes?
have they seen hurt or death?
pain and suffering?
or have they seen something a little worse,
like the near future ?

tell me what you think is inside of beauty, my love.
do you see what you want or do you see what I need ?
do you see the truth in these eyes of mine ?