you were curling my hair around your fingers and laughing at the shape of them
  or maybe you were just laughing at me,
         I’m not sure.
and then I told you I loved you and you smiled—
                  ok that didn’t happen—
what happened was you pulled at the curls you just made in your own hands
until they weren’t attached to my head anymore.
     it didn’t hurt, I think.
    and then you put them in your pocket and ran away
                                  and then you fell and she picked you up and put you in her pocket and ran away too.
then you came back and said whoops, sorry but you still didn’t give me them back
         I don’t know if I even want them back.
on the way to the place with the people and the things in the car you winked at me
or maybe you had something in your eye,
but I smiled and you said that’s fine so I cried for a little and then it was just us
but I was still scared she was going to put you in her pocket and run away again
     but you told me not to worry.
and then we were swimming in the pool
but then I looked down and it wasn’t a chlorine-colored blue
  it was red like the sun at sunset but it wasn’t sunset and there was no sun;
      I felt ok but you didn’t and you pulled a knife out from under the pillow—
               the one in your room—
and that’s when I finally realized you were going to be the one to **** me
and I also realized I was ok with it
because better you to **** me than some other shmuck,
you know?
      the only problem was I wasn’t the first one you killed,
or it should have been a problem,
or rather they all said it was a problem;
but it wasn’t.
and then we were rolling around in the grass,
and I lost an earring and you said whoops, sorry and I kissed you anyway
               but you didn’t kiss me back
but you pretended to and that was alright so I went with it
      but then you didn’t want to go all the way and I was ****** but pretended I wasn’t
and then you said shhhhhh and then you grew wings and flew away
and left me there for the birds to eat
while she grew wings to be with you so you weren’t alone.
and then we were sitting on your porch swing and it was swinging slowly
and you looked straight into my eyes for hours while I talked about nothing
but then you started to talk about something
and then I got really happy
and then we started swinging so fast that we were in the sky,
         but we weren’t, really.
and then she stopped the swing and picked you up and put you in her pocket and ran away again.
     this time you didn’t come back.
then I turned into ***** and told you I was ok with it.
                   and then I cried.
               and then I woke up.

They are strangers now, separated by their worlds and walls.
There is no chemistry, no spark, nothing special.
They are simply strangers, sharing a couch.

One is autumn, one is spring;
one likes talking, and the other? Listening.

If walls could talk, they’d weave a tale so tragic.

In the beginning, he was sun, and she was moon.
At the ending, she was running, but he was leaving.

In the beginning, there are many things.
There is music, and laughter, and broken strings.
They have cooperation, and commitment, and promises.
Her mom gives them glasses, his mom gives them dishes.
She has her charcoals, he has his guitar.

At the ending, close to the ending-
There is his guitar, her laughter, they’ve broken things.
And that is all that is left.

Promises and glasses, dishes and hearts.
A year of trying and losing is written on the walls;
the wallpaper- peeling, the curtains- ripping.

He clears his throat, she stills- hoping.
“I’m sorry,” she hears, and it’s okay.
“I’m sorry,” she hears, “that it’s ended this way.”

I’m sorry, she hears. I’m sorry, that it’s ended this way.
I’m sorry, she hears. That it’s ended this way.

“It’s ended this way?”
“I’m ending it this way.”

unless I am feeling
deep inside
really feeling, really 'living'
I don't feel alive
it's a drug, need that 'fix'
need ............. YOU

until you, until 'us' -
now my heartbeat is strong
you're my fuel,
you're my fire
how is this wrong?

you're so calm, so collected
your feelings don't show
here I am, such a mess
so **** emotional

the feeling of love
a long lost friend
left due to disuse,
distrust, a lack of
motivation for lack
of better words
to cynical?
to jaded?
or just to scared?
to bridge that gap
to take the first step
the feeling of love
all but forgotten unlike
the very real, very close
feeling of pain, of loss
of being alone
of causing another harm
do i dare take the leap
do i dare risk the fall
the inevitable or is it?

my heart searches
screams out to the void
for a companion
answers hidden
and only hears its own
echo
        echo
                 ech
                        ec
                             e
                                .








*i am so very alone

The new dawn is breaking
Into our home, into our room
Through our window to take you
Away, to take you away from me again,
To package you up in a suit and tie.
The light is invading our space
Illuminating your scruffy morning face
That I won’t see again for a little while.

I pretend that if I ask you to stay,
to stay for me, to stay with me here,
here where the smoothly flowing cold sea
of sheets between my fingers fail to fill
the spaces the way your warm hands do,
that you’ll assure me that you won’t be gone
for too long, that we’ll be together again soon,
that everything will be fine, right before you pull
your body away from me and let go of my hand
because I do not, will not let go of my own accord.

Even in my daydream you have to go.

I remember that day
When it was too hot to hold hands but we did anyway
And the sunlight was streaming
And our smiles were gleaming
And the sunshine cascaded through your hair
And I remember the water bottle we had to share
The pavement was hot beneath our feet
And you looked so sweet
And we scouted for free air conditioning
And as if by predetermined positioning
We stumbled into a little tea shop
I watched your jaw drop
As I faithfully recited your favorite order
We sat in the booth by the window
That day was slow
We didn't talk much
We didn't need that crutch
I held your hand in mine
Sweet as grapes off the vine
We watch the great blue expanse above
And I remember what it meant to be in love.