It is not always simply the toss of a coin,
Or the words we choose to say,
But the pauses in between.
Not always black.
Not always white,
But sometimes gray.

As he looks beyond iced glass,
mesmerized by the snow
Escaping into the past--
A tragedy we can never know.

Trying
           To restore
The life before
           The war;
Where blood
           Wasn’t 
so abundant--
In dreams
           That haunt the day.
Decoding the objective,
           Discovering nothing
that is sound
A language now rejected,
             and definitions bound.

His eyes slip further into the distance.
Cold hands loose grasp of time,
and the secrets it holds inside.
Unafraid to let go
of the life that we know.

Now deaths silence envelops the room,
My words,
        My words lost ,
While you have found serenity.

it's the night of fireflies
where emotions seem to flicker just like their light

faint is my breathing
and there is a lack of inspiration

guilt runs through my bloodstream
it has once said to be spoiled

and i long to live in a dream

a nasty infection;
words are stolen by the television
and the anger inside my heart seems to be in remission

for now

lets pretend it never happened
for it was far to embarassing to remember
so lets watch movies on why things are the way they are
reading has become a thing of the past
so lets add another chapter
just because

ask me questions, i don't mind
we can do it to **** the time
the time we have created
just to measure the way the world spins
just to feel in control

maybe i can see all the colors
and am searching for something
i've found years ago


actually no, i've lied
i'm not satisfied

so lets help the wounded,
let us help the blind;

tell the stories of magnificant creatues
that fly in the night==
magically they glow
choosing when they want to show the world
what it is they were destined to do

lets own our history
and erase what was here before.

no one seems to see past my fingertips.

flood warnings
aren't as easily avoided
as i'd like for them to be

a melody with all the wrong chords
and only i can hear it's perfection.
to others it may just be a sound,
but i exist to be in the choice of my direction.

so when i build the sand castle of my dreams
i expect the waves to crash--
the whole to unravel at its seams.
is this all in vain, or the lack there of?
surely the results i am producing must have a meaning
even if everything doesn't happen for a reason.

learning as i go, walking a path i would have never expected.
these walls have been here all along,
as have i, unable to determine their purpose
but clearly able to see
they have been built quite strong.
enduring the days that turned into memories
that when collected
                                   collect me as well.


yet the tide of the ocean does not destroy,
let alone help me to forget--
gravity;
like a disease i cannot cure
an emotion that can no longer be hidden

which then buries itself deep into the epitome of who i am,
what i have, and what will be given.
and the darkness, i have learned
is only the absence of light.

now using the best of my logic to reason what may happen,
and unfortunately what may not;
                      defining it as fate.

still i hear this melody so filled with a beauty
that only i may be able to discover.
that only i must create.

My eyes will always see 
  
           You upside down. 
  
           Yet it doesn’t defeat the purpose
           Cause it flips you right back around.

Today I tried to quit
Pushing truth further away,
Now I find I’m wrapped up in the lies.

Walking through hell--
    Just our world in disguise
All because we are told that
    We once fell.

So we create God in our image,
And find safety in mythology
But....
  

           My eyes will always see 
  
           You upside down. 
  
           Yet it doesn’t defeat the purpose
           Cause it flips you right back around.

We continue to make our
Own explanations,
Create our own definitions.
Ignoring all the
Wounds and lesions,
Committing upon ourselves
Our own created treason's,
All because
  
            My eyes will always see 
  
            You upside down. 
  
            Yet it doesn’t defeat the purpose
            Cause it flips you right back around.

passion lead by lust, and transformed
into romantic dedication to be accepted of imperfections,
easily succumbs to the denial of our own role
in the vanity of altercation....

when demons are found within us all,
in which we hope love will subdue,
blind in the present, and always the beginning,
to the essential fall.

yet after the lighthearted descent,
upon impact, each rupture of the heart,
though estranged at first break,
manifests through perspective
the beauty of our flaws, and the power that is love.

My words aren't the juice you are searching for,
The words that will suddenly change your opinion,
about everything.
about anything.

My words are just words.

I wouldn't even consider them mine,
when it comes down to it.

The television lets you escape,
lets you live another life.
Why don't you just turn that television on,
instead of reading this.
Reading my words.

It doesn't matter,
Time will go on,
The alarm will go off,
Your routine awaits.

My bones never got upset when they fractured, when they shattered. They only proceeded to heal.
It is the serenity found after the storm that keeps my faith alive.
Choices all around, and more importantly within.

My bones never got to decide if they wanted to rehabilitate themselves or not.
They only proceeded to heal.
It is the acceptance of all that is, and that which is not
that keeps my faith alive.
Choices all around, and more importantly within.

My mind is not spatially located, but my thoughts prove it’s existence.
I see a smile, I hold back tears;
Frightened when I know the truth can no longer be held captive.
My mind is not spatially located, but my thoughts prove it’s existence.
I choose to smile, I choose to cry.

Truth so often believed that it will set us free,
But I have come to understand that it is the truth that binds us.
Leaving no room to escape,
unless concealed and disguised under lies--
Lies that are known, even when they become a placebo.

“I shall please.”

Now that I have buried the one recurring thought in the earth,
I have learned to survive with mouthfuls of dirt.
Dirt as dry as the bones I will leave,
the bones that did not have a choice.
Dirt as filthy as the mind that chooses the gutter.
Dirt as impure as the deceit I can transform into honesty.
I will not be frightened any longer, For the truth is no longer my prisoner.

If only I could capture this moment forever;
                     streaks of the sunset
                     pushing itself past
                     the forest of trees.
the uncomfortable calm
of being truly alone;
                     not even i can
                     understand the
                     whispering of the leaves,
                     but only accept,
                     and embrace
                     it's soothing hush.
I light the match
that starts the fire,
a self-inflicted disease.
only a skeleton remains.
                     & yet it is so
                     easy to destroy
                     our morals
                     & dissolve
                     our values.
we hold close to the heart
and treasure that which
                     is our own created demise

if only i could capture this moment forever;
                     a truth so tormenting
                     we have words like
                     eco-friendly,
                     lost in translation
                     we scream for sanctity--
for we know not what we do.

                     our hands,
                     are hands
                     that have built
                     the monster disguised
                     as a machine.

                                          so let us embrace this moment
                                          where these words,
                                          these words were your home
                                          for a brief moment
                                          in your life.

In death we acknowledge our names
For the very first time,
Willing to engrave into stone
That which we once knew.

Escape the voice
That lives inside,
Closer than that which is seen.
A junction of trespassing.

Was I asleep?
You are who I have become,
And I am living a life of invisibility.
One step behind.

Exactly where we are,
Asking who do you think I am.
A full upright position,
Imposing on the question of love.

Tricks in the bag,
Tricks you cannot find;
Love me/hate me/snub me/shake me
Into a new persona of a simple mind.

Sit down and stumble on your questions.
Your own answers already known.
Convincing lies told as truth;
We are the all seeing all dancing
Low-life's  of the world.

I am who you want to be,
Free in all aspects, and views
Of courage.
Of running.
Wrestling our past,
Watching memories

                                                       ­                                     Disappear.

tick tock; only time can make
things grow
but if you attempt to fiddle
with father time
you will not reap what you sew
one could even consider the
travel of time a mere simplistic
crime

but even our brothers and sisters
often live in the past
just like our mothers and their misters
marriage does not last
just a piece of paper, and
two bands around a finger
and sooner before later a lust
for touch will linger
so gather the material objects to
create a raging fire
becareful of each splinter
that will do everything to conspire
against you like the cold cold winter

I've already begun to feed
the flame with each document
just like the seed that grows
into an argument
the wickedness is in our bloodstream
and we can never repent
so try to wake up from this dream
that holds you hostage
and your speeding down lifes road
on empty, and your low on milage

{After James Tate's 'Consolations After an Affair'"}

My piano breathes with each of its keys:
it aspires to inspire change
in someone's watering mind.
I have paintings that I did not paint
that do more observing than the scientist.
They know nothing of evolution and it's hypothesis.
For them to see and feel
is all they need to express.
I've discovered that I don't need
to prove myself for my own approval.
A jellyfish escapes and dances behind me
as swift as the flame of a fire.
Now I can taste the truth,
a place filled with disgust and desire.

And in the times where I believed I have forgotten who I am,
I remember who it is that I want to be.
Days layer themselves upon my conscience, unaware
that the doubt that has survived through my blood stream
year, after year, after year still prevails.

Remind me again, of the self-destructive path I lead
in times of past where I was left in my own
deception, as you stood on the other side of your
own self built picket lines.

A daughter who never earned self-respect even
when she did everything she was told just by looking
at the eyes of judgment. Understanding that the
love would not be there otherwise.

Hell with insurance, and pieces of paper given
value that try to constrict my choices, in who I want
to be as a person. Yet these are the borders I have
endured as a child, taught as a consumer without limits,
from parents who thought they knew what was best.

So we try to remember the future by forgetting
our problems, running away as our blood
runs deeper.
We are just bones, with flesh.

How we have this knowledge is a
secret we die for.

you hardly knew what they were talking about,
when they said you were dying from the inside out.
& you still can't maneuver me.
& I'm still like a statued hypocrisy.
Don't look for me on the other side,
where even the monsters have to hide--
I won't cheat death, or defeat it's concept.

There is smoke, escaping from the bathroom.
the hard surface exposing a poisonous fume.
Wake up, feeling like all night you've been dead,
Wake up, feeling either a coffin or a bed.
I never said I was a savior, let alone in your favor.
Hide behind your lies, wear them like mask
Living in your disguise, isn't an easy task.

I dream in color,
so on the nights I don't remember
I just pretend;
I never rose in the morning,
The sleeping didn't end.




& it was in the morning,
when I got that wake up call.
Your voice sounded so distant and old,
My own story abandoned and untold.

There is no lack of communication.
For our tongues do not stop
To appreciate silence.

Your presence consumes me
Filling me with heavy waves of ecstasy.
But all that rises must one day crash.

Like how your skin holds you in,
My past clings to my tomorrow--
And doubt leaks into the cracks.

Complicating simplicity.
To not take the risk.
A love so true, yet found homeless
                                          and unrequited.

Setting myself up for failure before I even attempt to try.

                  And still,
Deep within all that is who I am
I still feel as if it is you alone who can fill
This insatiable appetite.

Fear flows in,
and I wonder if there is even room
in my heart for desire.

Fighting the sensations;
I am speechless and consumed
With nothing
       As well as everything.

The drinks all taste the same.
Conversations become dulled down
       To empty promises.

Skeletons of chandeliers;
Ghosts of past lovers.
       Memories distorted.

The inadequate use of words
Dripping off your
       slurred tongue.

I’ve been burned before,
Leaving me fearless                 in front of the fire.

Searching for a cure;
In the coffin of
                      false happiness.

Trying to balance between    
       Reality, and self-inflating lies
While I dream of falling,
       And crashing to my demise.

The river bank is erroding,
but the trees stay rooted--
above is the sky, and
beyond is where the
tundra lies.

A life so different, and yet vaguely
familiar.
It is Sunday, and you can find me in
the desert.
My mind cannot identify the differences
in the bodies of water from
my Alaskan
memories,
or the one that is before me.
I am only able to
recognize that there is always
movement.

The current so calm, just like the
beating of my heart, the gliding of
the clouds.
If you could find my hand, would there
be any love left
to give?

I cannot hide in my skin, only
submerge into my
thoughts.

"I beg your pardon Miss, you are not
just carbon,
you have got a purpose."

One day I'll release this pen,
and free all the
fear.
                           I hope to never be found.

This distance, by no means will hold me
captive.
It is time for me to embrace it,
For I worry it is not far enough.

Sometimes the clocks tick when I forget
I am human.

Every day runs in through my past,
and is happening right now.

I'm no gypsy
but i think it will continue
in the future i have yet
to embrace.

Each day
can be
like yesterday, through selectivity.

Experiencing each thought, and
choice we make, we change the
slightest bit; unaware of the emotions
that teach unspoken lessons.

A subconscious that holds true;
each hand holding itself, in anticipation of acceptance.

A line through all memories; a foundation that holds us up--
measuring the definition of life.

Time is a word created, and change is choice.

It is all perspective.

Free will is my tombstone,
as I continue
to promise to hold my grave
in each day.

Mentalities that leak all over my everything.
            Uncertainty has eroded my respect of self.

Opportunities are disregarded.
Ideas strewn across the room.

            A dose of lies so potent
           It deteriorates my motives, and beliefs.

Struggling to resist the voice inside
that started as a whisper;
a slight breeze in a self made hell.

           I spoke too soon, yet I haven't said a thing.

A silence so aesthetic it takes me to the edge
Where I am vulnerable to only that which is true.

          My demons hide behind mirrors,
          And haunt the corridors of my thoughts.

Their surreptitious plans demand All of me.
I am placed in their pockets, and am considered the favor
upon which they believe they deserve.  

             Pirating my spirit, Robbing my composure,
             They only desire my emotions.

For if they acquire My happiness,
they know,
My happiness is the only thing
that can save me from my dues, my debts. 


This very reason, is why I fight, 

This very reason, is why I shall never surrender,
            Even if I am left with nothing.

we don't realize the bird's beautiful song is sung for us
telling of a story that is so brutally truthful
that it almost resembles glory
their gratious tune fills the world where there is silence
giving mother earth a song to dance to
as it constantly stays in it's orbit so effortlessly
the sun shines down & all i want to do is absorb all the beauty that surronds me
but my mind continues to drown my heart & soul
with sorrow and an uncurable apathy

i crave knowledge so i learn as much as i can
but not by reading things like the encyclopedia or the dictionary
for true knowledge grows in the trees
and in each blade of grass
too often our man made weapons and machines
**** our only source of intelligance with technology
however, we musn't forget even our feet trample upon the earths diminishing beauty
so with each ray of the powerful sun
i learn the importance of why not to run;

we must face our own fears and problems
before we ourselves can learn to grow
& all i strive to be: is as pure as the snow
so i will jump into the river
when the ice is just begining to melt
because the coldness lets me understand
all the past pain that i have felt
but while i lay in my own garden of eden
a snake slithers to my side
already i know if i try to run, i will not be able to ever hide

for this very serpent has created a home in my heart
without my knowledge of it's doing so
& yet i still cannot repent
leaving my sorrows to continuously grow
i look around to only notice i am laying in a bed of weeds that are unkind
while my enemy plants his evil seeds into my fragile mind
and when i finally realize i am doing his deeds
my eyes can finally see his scales have me in a bind

i see the beauty in his tongue that can only speak of hate
than i suddenly i feel his sharp teeth sink into my soul
that results in my tragic fate
i begin to tell myself i never want to leave my youth
for i don't mind being ignorant, naive, and oblivious
and that simply is the truth

as i look around at what does surround
i have the urge to create a beauty that only lives without.
but what is on the exterior may be inferior, often ostensible;
a courage concealing doubt.
i am my own confidant, even when i am not confident.
but my choices are mine alone, only my thoughts are ones that i condone.
so with these choices i shall exclaim:
i am
but not
the one i shall blame.

"you don't have AIDs do you?"
i smile and laugh while i reply no.

but there is a dark secret inside my soul;

i fear that it is written across my heart for the world to see.

i worry i shall be alone until my last breath.



friends shall come and go,

just like the clouds.

i wouldn't mind if one decided to stick around...

but i shall not hope for things that are unlikely.

thats how hearts break ya know.



as i smoked a cigarette this morning,

i noticed a dying plant.

as i gazed at it's withering leaves--

that are slowly turning yellow

i marveled at how it is quite obvious too see it's demise.

i than began to question my own death.

i am surely killing myself slowly with the narcotics,

the cigarettes, and the apathetic thoughts.

but am i showing any signs of dying?

i then realized that just like that plant,

we must be fed the proper nutrients.

we must receive the proper love and care.

all in order to grow, to live, and to survive.

but what are these proper necessities that humans require?

how do i receive the love my heart desires?

so i finished that cigarette, and as i stood up to go back inside,

i lost my balance.

the crutches flew from underneath my hands.

and i fell.

i fell with what seemed like elegance, and with great impact.

it felt like an eternity of falling--

maybe i was going down a rabbit hole of the mind.

but sooner before later my body slammed against the earth.

no longer was i weightless in midair.

tears quickly began to leak from my eyes.

i laid on the ground, so helpless; weeping.

not too long after, i sat up.

my tears had ceased,

and i thought to myself,

'why do i cry, am i waiting for someone to rescue me?'

i know that no one is around,

and yet i hope for someone to offer their hand.

however, in life, one must learn to stand on their own.

i shall fall again.

i don't know when, or where--

but i will fall.

and i am okay with that.



the day goes on...

i think,

and i think.

i do not find the answers i'm looking for,

but i do find other answers.

i come to conclusions.

i discover lies, that i believed to be truths.

i recover from past pain.

i dwelled in long forgotten memories.

i realize that love is whatever we want it to be...

and most importantly i realize i do not love ***.

i just love the idea of someone making love with me.

the idea of someone loving me.

the idea of someone wanting me,

and most importantly not just wanting my body.

after all i truly do desire to be wanted:

for my intellect, for my opinions,

for who i am.

for being kirsten.

i will admit my skin does crave attention,

and maybe in all the wrong places.

but oh how i would enjoy the touch of someones hand,

upon my own.



during the day i was also told by a dear friend

that it does not matter if you are rich, nor poor

or what the circumstances you are living under;

you can be out on the street, living in a box,

but as long as you still have your family,

the family that love and care for you--

that is all that matters.

i do believe it was the most beautiful thing he has ever told me.



and slowly, but surly i begin to forgive myself

for all the pain i have brought into my family's hearts.

trials and tribulations have been endured by us all,

and there will be more to come.

however, i do now understand, that i can rely on my family

for their love and support, no matter the circumstances.

so the roses my father has given to my mother will die.

she may not have said thank you when she received them,

but it is the thought that counts...

isn't it?



please, please don't forget about me

i silently whisper.

fear of friends disappearing truly worries me.

i attempt to keep them in my life,

a part of me wishes they would never leave.

but seasons change, just like our beliefs.

the clouds will continue to pass in the sky,

only for that sky to be filled with new clouds,

new beginnings, new journeys, new beliefs.

we outgrow friends, just like when we were younger,

and we would outgrow our shoes.

so maybe it is best that i've been so lonely lately.

all so i can reevaluate my life, my choices, and who i surround myself with.



i now wonder if i'll change.

it is all that is left for me to do...

i can see my faults clearly,

and guilt often overwhelms me.

when will i stop using? will i ever?

am i able to quit smoking cigarettes?

i must be capable of finding friends that treat me with respect...

right?

i can love my family a little more each day.

but more importantly i shall learn to love myself a little more each day.

for how am i supposed to learn to love others,

if i cannot even love myself?

i do find that i am my own worst enemy.

but things can change.

and things will change.

the choices are all my own.

i just have to want it badly enough to do something about it.

lets hope i can practice what i preach

before it is too late.

I will devour the sky, and the storm it carries.
Biting down onto the hail that was destined for you.
The tornadoes tickling my insides,
while hurricanes drown out my thoughts.

If only I could,
                                                  steal crime
and hide
it deep within my darkest of shadows.
Where you can never find
                                                  the hatred or the lies
Of the human characteristics
that displays the routines of habit,
just to pay the mortgage,
and we pay, and pay.

So let me eat that too.
I heard that kind of paper is quite valuable,
and I don't mind if I'm already full.

I guess I just thought,
if the weatherman could lie,
just like the politicians,
why couldn't I?

i feel so tired
there seems to be a lack of oxygen
have the demons all conspired
to make me their kin?
is it their whispers that sway my opinion?

i fight back the tears that my heart wants to release
i fight a battle of the mind, and all i want is peace
but it sickens me to think that i have this disease
so the medication seems to be working,
but the dosage is what they might have to increase

you don't know.
but thats quite alright.
it is mutual, and i don't think of you as my foe
please, i don't want to fight
i have the scars all over my body
that tell of past pain
and deep inside i know that i'm a druggie
use and abuse, just like any other ******

my heart feels as if it's sinking into an ocean
but inside i feel i have an inkling notion
that i have to fight this war
i have to survive through the bombs, and than even more
the swords pierce my flesh
i quickly wish that i was dead
but all of this, it's all just in my head

i keep going.
the words are continuously flowing.
and here i am, not even knowing--
what i am supposed to do next
when i feel as if i'm so terribly vexed
but to keep on keepin on is what is best
i don't even mind if i fail the test
we'll just have to find out whats left of the rest...

and i don't write these words for you to read
i write them because i feel the need
to let it out
before i turn into one of those demons;
to begin to scream and shout
for i do not want to hurt you
the way that i have been hurt
but even the most beautiful of flowers need the dirt

so i push my way up through the soil
all of the worlds gravity feels as if it's weighing me down
i am soon facing the hatred and turmoil
but i try not to frown
and i feel as if the smile is faux--
like the ones on a clown
painted up to decieve thee
all to make you think i am happy
and i am.
i am.

i am only human.
i am, and was born into sin.
i am no where near perfect.
i am an addict.
i am kirsten.
i am an enemy, but i want to be a friend.
i am bipolar.
i am living on the border.
i am faced with trials and tribulations.
i am prescribed numerous medications.
i am happy.
i am sad.
i am the words you are reading.
i am the smile thats so easily decieving.
i am the epitome of me;
does that have a meaning?

now the tug of war seems to be misleading
i am swaying from side to side
while others see my pain, i see them grieving.
but my emotions are what i try to hide.
i don't want to have to see them leaving;
i feel so alone inside.

i have a pain only i can feel,
and no, i do not want you to understand.
and no, i do not want you to walk in my shoes.
but won't you please take my hand?
help me forget all the past abuse...

The one great enemy of all of those that perceive, is doubt.
How it floods my watering mind, leaves me crashing amongst the waves of esteem and confidence. When I am least aware, that is when the little viral thoughts return. Infecting all that I am, and all that I am trying to become.
Time so constant that what has happened, has transpired only to lead us to what is happening, and what will happen.
It is what it is. What it is not, it cannot ever be.
My past is what must be embraced in order for me to move forward. Years have passed, bringing me forth to this very moment where I am finally ready and willing to do just that; embrace what I cannot change. A wild memory of a memory,
it was your words that reawakened a purpose, a meaning, a way of life within me.

I will not be a prisoner of doubt if I willingly choose not to do so. The chains I unknowingly placed around my very mind have left scars;
wounds that have become a  commitment to my flesh.
A girl once told me, when I made my self vulnerable to her with my inner workings, that my scars can only tell a story of which I was once in pain, and have now healed. I now understand that the those wounds within, the wounds that were not visible to the eye, cannot heal if they are not avowed.  I was so fearful of looking into that which confines me, acknowledging that I was damaged, that I was only allowing myself to continue a life of pain.
For too long my afflicted heart and mind was rotting and decaying inside. All because I was choosing a path of ignorance.
But here I am awake, and ready to accept that which breaks my heart. Knowing that if i let it break now, the process of healing can begin.

Ohhh the **** I have read online.
The **** that erupts from our mouths,
and through our finger tips,
Mine of course included in that heap
of never ending opinions.

Hey, what buttons are you clicking on now?
Pressing, and touching.
All I hear is the click clack of nothing.
So go ahead, let these very words
distract, distract, distract
You.

Yeah, the world has changed.
Surely it has even rearranged its concepts and morals.
Just turn on the tube, and you'll see the explicit truth
displayed like the movement of our bowels.
**** I tell ya.
****.

It's concentrated into little advertisements
for the endless materials we don't need.
Saturated in the last morsel of humanity,
we disregarded the taste,
and chose to live in the corruption,
believing something
will save us.
We wait and do nothing,
expecting it to just happen.
Well wait no longer,
just keep browsing the web.
                  I'll probably just
continue
writing these words,
into your eyes they will be fed.

Maybe it's just my mind that has become rotten
in all the moments of life that were forgotten,
due to the distractions.
                               All the distractions.
I guess it's just difficult to grasp them,
but still, it is hard
Getting used to the stench our minds have created,
allowing ourselves to become jaded
in technology.

While without knowing
that we are telling ourselves,
                                               Why not let truth be left for the dusty books on the shelves.

Programmed to destroy 
Any inclination of affection,
A mindless drone, with no satisfaction
Losing ourselves
In a planned reaction
Where one cannot feel
Or understand the cause
That brought us
To the bed filled with flaws.
Is this our only chance
To possess each other?
Undress each other
Under the covers,
To deny the fact we are our past lovers.

The clouds are here to stay,
While the sun tries to shine
In this town that resembles
A snow-globe design.
The people are tormented,
And she is drunken in her disease--
A welcomed guest,who begs and pleads
For a savior that can save her.

The wind has died down,
It was once as sharp as the gods.
Cutting flawlessly into our memories,
And dancing away in the leaves.
Our bones remain, while our brain decays.
We used to stay up all night
Transplanting stories of when we ate the moon.
Creating boundaries, and passages
In the dark valleys of our past.
Where hatred is all that we crave
When we have made new homes in our grave.

The movement is rapid,
Going in all the wrong directions.
Overflowing promises
That only result in silhouettes of
All that I’ve tried to forget.
Trying to take hold of all that goes on,
But all that is in my grasp is the gun--
My finger already on the trigger. 

Now the demons have conspired,
They
          have
                    already
won.

I went through the motions
thinking the actions would take back
all the sorrow I have been born into.

Now I find I am setting myself up for failure
before I even attempt to try,
acknowledging this…

A heart ruptured in mind. Bones
still stand, but a pain from the core
remains when

The truth is before me
and eyes hold me back
when seeking out perspective.

A fear that cannot
be grasped when facing
the imprisonment of what
we choose to believe,

And he dreams of my salvation--
Coming up to the altar and breaking
open my ribs to give my heart to the Lord.



I thought it sounded great
when I was younger.

You’ve got the mountain in your eyes,
And I’ve got no more money.
Was I ever capable of all that you thought I was
Or was that the standard operation?

Your lonely ways disguised in your actions,
In your words
I find your silence.
Kept out of respect,
Even after knowing I could never love you.

I fell hard onto the concrete.
You wore a different pair of shoes.
Rolling down the asphalt,
I can’t take for granted that which I never took.

Blood drips from your shoulders.
Scars devour my body from head to toe.
There is no more room for conversation,
You practice distance from around the corner.

Past the lake that made the man,
Into the ink that has transformed
The way I interpret your                                    
                                                                                        everything.

Another man enters, and I confessed.
He was astonished, while I felt a longing
for Your ice stained eyes.

I know that which burdens me,
That which may have spread
into you through
My touch, your lovers tendencies.

But there is no connection
That could get past the infection.
Lies have built up, and clotted inside my heart.
Black and blue designs,
This bruise is so stubborn,
And it cannot be defined.

my words to you may just be a small stone in a world full of mountains.
however these words are all I own--
and sometimes rivers start out with small earthly fountains.

My stomach churns, my eyelids fall.
I feel so tired, but I long to be awake and filled with life.
Either my friends have abandoned me, or I have abandoned them.
I suppose it doesn’t really matter now,
Knowing that I am alone.
None the less, I shall create my own solitude.
I will bend, and try not to break.
I will break, and try not to be overcome by pity.

The past is what has made me,
My own actions have made my past.

There will be a tomorrow, I have never doubted it.
I have only been unsure of how I will withstand today,
How I will endure my corrupted mind until the sun again rises.

I don’t ask why anymore.
Those three letters have plagued me for far too long.

I do not ask for the winds to change, nor do I embrace it.
I just let it be, I just let.

How queer it is to be human,
For I am as human as they come,
As human as they go.
Sunken in sorrow, uplifted in joy,
Tormented by the truth, finding safety in lies.

When I was young I thought I could do anything.
In fact I thought I could do anything a few months ago.
But change has come, and doubt has leaked into my everything.

Distance unravels with each ambivalent
word that falls out of my mouth.
Only a fragment of my thoughts are
let out-- the fear of you knowing the truth
about the way you make my heart confuse
my head, holds me back from embracing
the only love, life has thrown my way.
holds me tighter than the memories hand
cuffed to your touch, and our legs intertwined
beyond the bed of liquor we would consume.

I am still your desire, for actions prove themselves
in the late hours of your drunkenness, even
though it was you who left me when you stole
the tequila the dawn after a night filled with naked
souls, sinfully cheating there way past redemption.
It was my first real naked party.
And my mind jumps to the idea that you were just
waiting for reasons to cut me loose.
But in that moment I felt relieved that for once, I had
been used. Used as a life support of love.

I’ve got a history of one night stands.
Nights that end alone,
Adding up the lovers it all blurs
into an escapade of ecstasy.

                 Abusadora,
Is what is written across my heart.
So diseased, and devoured I can’t help the desire I have
to be touched, and consumed.

Eat all my words, envelop all that I am.
Let me take you in, and let you rot inside for the night.
False connections. Yet my body knows what to do next,
Just get undressed and let my insatiable appetite do the rest.

I left you behind, on purpose.
I had you leave my titillating circus.
No need for you to stay,
When I cannot even begin to behave.

I am my own best company.
Especially when I become what one would define as, Aroused.
So I’ll teach myself to remember
that history is often repeated.

I’ll dispose of the man that thinks he is worthy
Of all that is that makes me.
For there is no other sensation best kept
As the ones my own body does *****.

Thy world spins me into confusion, while I lack firm ground.
Commitment and it's absence can be the explanation.
I do not live in a glass house, nor does anyone I know.
I assume that is why so many
choose to throw rocks in every direction.
Waging wars to defeat those who have already been defeated
just to prove something to themselves.
My heart no longer leaps at the sound of the gun,
racing towards a finish line that can only reward anger.
I will no longer pretend to love,
for that would be allowing love to be portrayed
as a role that we play.
I am no actress, why would I choose deceit?
Enabling emotions, embracing instinct?
I am not a child any longer;
I will not play hop scotch and jump to conclusions.
Rationality is what will save me.
A mind flooded with hatred will only lead to a drowning soul.
Your words can only effect me, if that is what I will.
My words can only effect you, if you choose in doing so.
Otherwise they are just words, and this world will continue to spin with or without me.

Eat the throbbing pulse;
Survival is no longer necessary.
The night disappeared into morning,
And I into another mask.

Words abused and thrown across the conversations.
The little things, bigger than what they seem.
Swallowing the truth, accepting damnation.

Don’t take my hand,
I am not yours to hold.
Leave, and take your misery with you.
A path of self-destruction,
Carving eternity with my blood.

While I am left
Devoured, and numb--
Choosing ignorance
While I play the part of the coward.

Your lies, become mine.
An abundance of false happiness,
incognito,
It’s own disguise.

Pavement eating us alive.
Life pulsing all throughout the fire.
Hiding is not an option,
When it comes down to destruction and desire.

sometimes my private life has got to stay private
i don't need your negative input,
so i'll just keep quiet.

words used, and abused,
do you even mean them?

count your blessings.
but not what could be, or should be
'cause what we have is what we need,
and what we want isn't always necessary.

Thoughts degrading, and dripping away;
A rotting albatross concealing my shoulders,
hiding my neck,
hiding my truths.

There is a whole world that we know not of.
It does not exist in a place one would address as below--
Or above.
But rather across the street, in a home of a neighbor,
As well as the stranger in another city.

Embark on a journey where the destination is of no concern.
I shall leave my pillows behind,
And sail across the storms of time.
Eyes shall burn past a mask--
And yet only see what they choose.

Noises creeping through the night,
dreams that haunt me during hours of light--
Will you recognize my eyes?
They are changing,
I know this because
My river shall never cease to run.
Thoughts that evolve day by day;
A different approach to that which we cannot change.

I am the one with wings.
I did not grow them,
They were simply a gift,
But not for flying purposes.

government officials threaten to take away everything.
pay your taxes they viciously repeat.
uncle sam's pants have become torn and withered;
our money slipping and diminishing right before our countries eyes.
families soon have no home.
will we suffer from the same fact,
is there even an existing loan that can save us,
because the bills have made us broke-- flat.
too bad it was that car i crashed.
wake up calls seem to be a part of life,
and quite necessary.
so a mother of a friend asks me,
'Did you learn your lesson?, Because the universe will continue to hit you if you haven't'

The doctors say the pain will come and go,
my father reminds me, that i will reap what i sew.
a friend states, how did you not know?
i suppose i should be my own hero.
not relying on addictions that seem to be a window
to a place of pain and sweet sweet sorrow.
how did i not know?
was it the blind actions that made realization slow?
how did i not know?
i should have learned from past mistakes-- made a **** simple memo
how the **** did i not know?
so i close my eyes, let the anger subside-
i must let the peace grow.
change my thoughts, and the choices on my minds chateau.
before i decide to do something that may in the end lose my life;
leave me between hell and heaven-- in limbo.
how did i not know?

a change of personality
accepting the worlds gravity.
yeahhh.
i don't mind if it ***** me down,
it doesn't have to produce a frown
upon this face of mine.
a quick smile tells you i must be kind.
and truly, truly i have no intentions for me to not be.
i do believe one must treat others the way they want to be treated.
that way hate and rage will maybe be defeated.
so let the reservoir unleash the power;
why reserve the knowledge?
do you think ignorance is bliss?
do you seem to ask yourself
why me, why this?
ha. silly little rabbit, tricks are for kids.
so don't blame the world because it just exists.
it's foolish to ask silly questions like those.
i mean, honestly, can you see past your nose?
do you ever stop to 'smell the rose'
or maybe it seems to have another name.
one that dictionaries can't even tame.
and still we will point the fingers
since it's ourselves we don't want to blame
how did i not know?

stay in. go out. the choice is mine.
smile smile smile smile
life is too short to be caught up in sorrow
so i push harder each time the world pulls me
i'm not going to give up
when i've got so much

thoughts twist and turn
hurling across my mind
like a hurricane
all the while the peace remains
a war of head versus heart?
no. much more like a war of contradicting values
striving for morality, thinking it will save me

do unto others as you would have them do unto you

sounds good enough for me, wouldn't you agree?
ahhh. but we each have our own opinion on the matter
of how we choose to act towards our loved ones,
even the ones we don't care about
often taking them for granted
blind to just how much beauty we all posses
oblivious to the obvious while it lays right before us

we can keep searching though
we've got the time
even when we think it's running out
just like the paper that was given value
please baby, i just wanted to love you

we make our own enemies
we make our own decisions
no one else can take the blame
only our hearts can feel our shame

so i'll keep dancing in the sunset and
swinging into the stars in the dead of night,
arguing  about life and how it all just becomes a memory


hey, you want to go on an adventure now?


sometimes things don't have a significant meaning;
unless you give it one
so don't run away, run with me
we don't need to feel so alone
i've been waiting for you this whole time...

When darkness creeps

She seems to die in the night, 

Laying her head down to rest. 

Accepting the surreal world she 

Sometimes doesn’t remember.

It isn’t exactly a place of death,

Where she stays each night. 

Yet, each morning she is reborn

As the sunlights stretches into her room,

Acknowledging it doesn’t take all day

To find the purpose of its glow.

You asked what happened
I replied only the truth.
                                             The truth.

What’s wrong you whispered
             I said it’s of no concern.

I looked into your eyes
And they were trying to tell me
         That you want to help me
But I think that
                           I’ve already died

You repeat, repeat
Over and
                 over again
“Please stay with me.”
                       & I don’t understand,
Cause I know that you can’t
even save me/

So when I walk alone
I hope that you can take the time to understand
That I'd much rather prefer to be on my own.

            & Tonight the sun never set,
It just stayed in the sky.
                                            Stayed in the sky.

But there was darkness all around me;
               & inside of me fear
And even with you here
                           beside me
I am alone.
I am alone on this weary road.


The sun beat down on the wild flowers,
the pigment so orange,
my eyes could almost taste it....
& yet
              You just keep talkin and talkin
your words don’t mean nothin’
          So I keep walkin and walkin
Don’t know where I’m goin
But I know that I’ll get there,
                                                 I’ll get there.

Cause there ain’t nothin in this life
                 that is fair

So we push ourselves further and further
To the middle of no where--
                                   Proclaiming it is where we want to be;
That nothing will ever compare,
        But no matter where we breathe,
We are still breathing
                                      air.

I don't know if I will ever be able to articulate what you do to me.
And yet you do nothing, still leaving me thoroughly pleased.
I promise that I didn't mean to fall.

Maybe it is the shape of your eyes when you smile,
The way your teeth are placed and spaced in you mouth.
The sound of your voice, seldom heard, but powerful just the same.

Sometimes, I see the seriousness of your thoughts.
Our eyes hardly ever meet, and when they do,
they are averted to some useless object in the room.

We shared one night, tangled in sheets.
The touch of your skin, enveloping all of me.
Now we are left with nothing to say.  

And to be honest, I don't mind your quiet.
Because I simply don't feel I deserve your words,
So I will take your silence, because it is yours.

I prayed for sanctification;
Was awakened by tears.
A devastating crash,
That lead to the death,
That was fed by my breath;
I cannot take back that which I did not take.

Do not ask for my reason,
You were never so sure;
When you are forbidden to understand my rhyme.
Disease stricken, left with no cure
After all--
One can only borrow time.

I don’t plan on ******,
Nor do I plan to sit under the clouds of doubt.
The course that was chosen
May not have been correct,
Now I am left frozen
With little respect.

The world around, in chaos as it spins,
but I only feel the stillness
Of your heartbeat fading.
A life full of turmoil and sins,
Until you confess
Of a life that is degrading.

Currents take me and make me
Fight harder to reach the shores;
An argument of morals and values
When suddenly your voice roars
And boasts of better times.
You have lost that which was not found.

The explosion was full of toxins,
My poison seeps out my bloodstream.
Thoughts twinkle and die
When they try to hide
In the shadows that do not welcome a soul;
A darkness so deep once it was sold.

Nightmares after each waking,
And now my words are what you are taking.
While I am left baron, and empty
When it is I who has left me
For a better place where one can save face;
Silently
        Wiping the tears away

i have long since desired to "be somebody", for i already am.

sometimes confidence escapes me, as if it were carbon dioxide.

positive prompting enforced by words from a friend down the street, or across the country may be what keeps us all going
when the coldness of doubt creates hesitant characteristics.

as i get lost in thoughts, i want to guarantee that i am not alone.

but a guarantee might just be an unfulfilling word in this false advertising world.

an outside perspective is often necessary, even when isolation can give the impression of trumping solidarity.

After all my decisions are the one and only true responsibility

learning to have have faith, and performing my actions with assertive behavior is indeed something i need to work on.

roll the dice;
gamble your life away
don't think twice
about what you have to say--

i'm am just the voice
that flows through each telephone wire
i must admit, it was my choice
that i made, but it was you
who chose that it was me
that you desire

so i inhale the the nicotine
there is a quixotical wave
that overwhelms my being
the thought that i am not one
that you can save
delights me so


but now the cellular device
is blowing up
but it would be nice
if they would take a sip
from the devils cup
drink it down;
sell your soul
make your dreams shatter
go towards the hellish town
break the pieces--
they were never whole
it doesn't matter
when there is an empty bowl

so i have chosen
to be ignorant
and my heart has become frozen--
i am hell sent
rising from the ashes,
that turn quick to flame
i have endured the lashes
but i am yet to be tame

a jezebel in past memories
or was it the men who took over--

after all it was there tendencies



a town like hell in past memoires

or was it the house of god--

after all that is what it transalates;

or is it just a fraud?



change comes.

change goes.

so add your sums,

find the pimps and hoes.

it's reality i love.

the sound of the siren.

but in this economy were getting fired--

when the jobs should be a hirin'

but i don't mind the flame

this mind of mine is one you cannot tame

take the torch, to burn the web--

he would rather see that black widow dead.

but i enjoy life, even the poison.

lay down in that bed,

ask for a little bit of arson

to go with that martini--

choices are in the end an action

with a consequence

can you see the beauty?

a cage, a prison, a fence

or is it just a fraction

of the picture;

maybe it is just a mirror

and the thing you see deep within

is just the sight of fear

and we learn to look away

because hard truth doesn't seem quite okay

we lie to you, to ourselves to ease the pain

each and every day.

****, I'M LOSING MY MIND

as the clock ticks it's time.

is it in, or just sane?

the answer is one we must create--

not find.

but we still keep ah searchin.

lookin for that love.

lookin high and low,

under and above.

we wait, we go.

we hate our libido.

cause baby you just want to **** fast, then slow

then walk out that do'

never ask for any mo'

i guess it's just my mother ******* ego.

so eat the pineapple raw.

get caught in satans claw.

break the pieces to the jigsaw.

cause i care, and i don't.

i contradict my each and every thought.

but these wars seem to have already been faught.

and all i seem to have got

are these bombs

and many a gun

we'll use them in your front lawns

teach your children it is fun!

so cut off the leg and an arm

it's in the tradition of a religion

when a girl misbehaves.

but my father told me

thats what he would do if he followed those customs too.

and words no longer penetrate my heart, nor soul.

i just let them go.

you can't hurt me

just try to insert thee.

see the pain you will be in.

all because of fornication--

it can be as brutal as the storm of an ocean,

but maybe as sweet as a potion.

and i'm not lookin to find a person

to listen to my every word an...

****

cause right now thats how i think of it.

i slept alone before i met you,

and i will sleep alone post-abuse.

this is why i choose to refuse;

to live in hell.

to be the jezebel.

to kiss, and tell.

instead i shall choose

not to be defeated and lose

but to keep my soul, to choose not to sell.

just look to the future, and excel.

Let the pieces fall where they fall,
because my thoughts
are crashing fast
& I don’t know
if there is time
before they cease to
exist.

As I search for sanctification
I lose myself in validity.
Thoughts pulled and thrown across
my mind that has no boundaries,
except for the ones I have
created.

I can see all that I want to,
but it is hard to interpret
the truth, and what lies
it holds and transforms into
beliefs.

The pieces have fallen,
& in all my searching,
I have discovered the only answer is
accepting.

When addressing the bones that hold me up
I notice they still stand strong,
Even when
                       my weak morals seem
to only crash down...
             Down towards an underground
life.

Thoughts subdued in poison;
A disappearing mystery.
No control of emotion,
The definition of perplexity.

         The enigma of the mind
         That withers in the winds of time.

Still I search for that unknown
          which hides itself from me;
Slipping past the shadows,
Of the ghosts that I once knew.
            Even I have become a memory--
Rushing towards a synthetic manifestation.

A truth discreetly concealed,
Scars proclaiming sincerity,
The moment of self-affliction
Where I finally choose
               To change my character and direction.

further more, further more upon that twisted path
a labyrinth of minds emotions
trying to re
live
                               the past.
chunks of time taken from inside
memories fasding fast--
in the shadows you try to hide
but the present is where one cannot find;
hidden in what is lost.

Lost lovers, love lives
hiding under covers,
where one should never estimate over
the bridge that builds trust and ships.
Ships that sail across the sand,
so dry and desolate.
Here you take what is not yours,
and embrace the
starving
                 quiet.

Practicing in the dark,
the curtains have all burned.
A star shoots across the carpet,
and falls
on
   to
      the
floor.

Desperate faces, lost in the maze,
and nothing is ever going to change
unless you take
that first
step
and then accept
what it is
that they call
                           death.

It is not a place of distance, but a place apart.
My teeth get *****, just like my thoughts and heart.
I have yet to find the purpose,
and acknowledge what it's worth.

The straps on my watch have broken,
But hands are always moving.

I remember the look of your eyes
as you slipped past conscienceness into a world unspoken.
Muscles stiff, and bones locked.
Lips losing life. All was blue.
I held up your head, eyes rolling back--
I had to leave the room.
I cried by the window.
Those eyes, your eyes,
were not yours for that moment.

It is not a place of distance, but a place apart.

I have brushed my teeth,
and reconsidered it all.
Our hearts continue to beat,
and you have risen from your fall.

I may not have found the purpose,
but I've still got the time.