Little eyes/Little eyes/Little eyes
How do you see the big big world?
To spy it right side down, and place you wrong side up
was once our favorite game.
I have never feared falling;
it is the unexpected landing that encourages anxiety.
The picture was taken today, and that is all that matters.
Capture the spectrum that stretches between
                          you and I;

Hold inside what it is you believe to be truth.
Do not let it drown in those warm, vain tears.
If what I perceive is truly the past
please let me sway like the pendulum
forward and backward...
     but really side to side.

A window to the soul, I doubt it.
More resembling the circularity of our stories--
of our lives.
Spin on your thoughts, darkness will not allow sleep.
Knocking, to be polite.
Knocking, to allow time to hide secrets.
Enter as you wish, It's too hard to decline
after all that we have endured,
after all this time.

I eat your words, I hear your touch,
I feel only selfishness when you come inside.  
Comfortable, because I stopped caring
and because I embrace my independence.
Little lies/Little lies/Little lies

Honesty was buried in the grave
that you dug for fear of making
yourself look bad
as you shoved the dirt atop
the excuses that sound so clever
in your thoughts.
As if I am too clueless to understand
the truth that you hold back.

How can I be embarrassed that
your decisions resulted in colored pencils,
instead of a dictionary.
That it is dull words that slip through our phone calls
to keep you occupied with your life,
creating ways to relate them to me--
when they don't.

The last time I used a shovel,
I was raking leaves.
The required tool was not available,
but I made the best of it,
and still told the truth at the end of it.
So lets make plans for the future
none of us are promised,
because lies are found deep in our structure.

This is no treasure hunt,
I do not have to seek out  
accumulated values that belong to
someone other than me.
my metal detector is better used as
a prop to hold my broken window shut,
because it used to be a habit
to lock myself out.

And now I have a life of authenticity to take me
to the heart of a dirt-free familiarity.
Where others are required to leave their dreg diggers
at home where it is more comfortable,
if they want to communicate with me;
I never have to look down on myself again.
my emptiness has been filled.

dare i say,
that it was love in that syringe?

your skin shows the signs of dirt.
***** from the streets, and just surviving.
i let you hold my hand.
i knew that you were leaving.
i let you bite my neck.
i knew you of your hardships.
i let you kiss my lips.
i knew i might not ever see you again.

my hands are now ***** as well.
but it was you who accepted all my flaws first;
did you put me under a spell?
although before all you had seen was beauty, and perfection
maybe you were even deceived by how thankful i was to be alive.
so i chose not to partake in deception.
the truth escaped me.
i no longer hid behind these eyes,
even though i did often have to close them.
the tears escaped me.
you told me not to cry.
you told me it was going to be okay.
you told me of your flaws.
and still i wept.
this shameful pity i carry,
i finally see now how useless it is.
but in that moment,
in that hotel room i loved you.
and i wanted you,
i wanted you to be happy.
i wanted you to be loved.


you whispered into my ear, i'll try to keep in touch.
the goodbye was quick, and sadly rushed.
i love you.
it all happened so fast.
i don't even know if it was real.
the tears i now feel, truthfully remind me it was.
i wasn't dreaming.
you embraced me.
and traced your name into my soul.
your gone now.
and i hope you are okay.
wherever you are, or wherever you may go.

sick and diseased, my actions take hold of me
and lead me to a place of contemplation.
not necessarily the embodiment of regret
but that which resembles disappointment.

ill decisions that need to be nurtured,
thoughts that long to be whole.
a dose of rationality medicating what it is that makes me.

Forgiving a necessary ritual,
in regaining serenity.

the water is merky
fortelling a warning sign
of unscrupulous people who will bring me to ruin
but yet he accepts it so kindly
and turns to hold me
it felt so real, his fingers upon my skin
i never wanted him to let go
but this dream was nothing as it seems
for i know that my demise would
only be further progressed if he lingered
however the dream doesn't last
just like these thoughts of commitment
doubt seems to always find its way in
leaking onto my motivation, and perserverance
nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be this hard
so i stop
before i can go on
my voice alone cannot do this on its own
and i seem to weak to stop the trickle of my ambivalence
chasing comets and shooting stars has it's mysteries
but i cannot seem to jump into the galaxy as easily as i'm wishing
wishing on the falling stars, falling into oblivion
until they wither away into nothing
and still my dreams haunt me
i can
is what i whisper on the wind
no one seems to hear for the world is drowning out each of our voices
telling us more and more each day the casualties and pollution advisories
getting lost in thoughts of tomorrow
setting myself up for failure today
it's a strange world
where things are much more than absurd
i can grasp the idea
lets just hope i can hold onto it

I'm not exactly sure of where this is going, or if it will go anywhere at all.
Maybe our intellect will go out of service, and there will be nothing left.
That was a memory, and time changes the mind.
You can be shy, while i talk to strangers.
I want you to tell me all of your truths.
Hide what you want, you can keep your secrets
because i'm not exactly sure of where this is going,
or if it just ended when you waved goodbye.
The light in the metro was so bright and unveiling.
you sat next to some girl, and so did i.
I sat in front, and you sat behind.
You can be shy, while i talk to strangers.
Reciting stories and memories, of times when we were impressed.
but words are just words, unless you give them a meaning.
you aren't the same person, that i remember.
You don't have to be shy anymore, just create your own definitions.
I'll write out your dictionary, word after word in a subliminal text. Decoding the font, and my personality you see into what i knew not.
You gave me your number.
She said you got to have at least ten,
just in case one isn't interested.
Your company is lovely, while you think that of the money.
work for a living, and live for those who make you happy.
so i'll be whispering, just to make sure that you are listening.
you don't say a word, i try to stay calm.
I don't want to say, or do anything wrong
because i'm not exactly sure of where this is going,
or if it just ended when I walked away.
The train just kept going, and we all have a routine,
i just ask that you don't forget about me.
what is it that i have to do, to make you smile, just to please you?
don't be the stranger that lives in my dreams,
where under the welcome mat you will find the key.
there will be no secrets left this time to find,
or thoughts that need to untangle and slowly unwind.
so don't forget there is a constant pressure,
it's something we all endured over the years.
don't swallow the ink, or the dish soap.
i left the cleaner under the cabinet,
so now i think it's my fault.
the news blames the people, the people blame the news.
i don't want exposure, but there isn't enough death
that is caused by cancer-- so we just keep smoking along.
The lies all have a purpose, just like the sad clowns
who live with the circus.
paint on the smile, just stay a while,
i won't mind if you don't say anything at all.

Which is the path you have chosen,  
Which is the path that have paved?
Have your actions been wise and potent,
Or is the issue that your not one willing to be saved?
All questions, often with no definite answer.
Even written stone can become withered and break.
Promises can be as deadly as cancer.
My words are all that i can give,
but not all that you can take.

Let the cold wind envelop all that I am,
Allowing it to push me further and further away from you.
I am the kite with glass string; freely falling and flying where I choose.
I am the girl with the poison sting, freely falling and flying where I choose.

Let the sun rise and melt the ice from my blood,
But still the disease remains, and the exposure can’t be contained.
I am the jellyfish, so deadly and calm; freely flowing and going where I choose.
I am the girl who will only do you wrong; freely flowing and going where I choose.

Bitter sweet love, destroying my thoughts.
I could never love you, for you could never accept the truths that hold me captive.
I am the prisoner, who is sentenced to death at daybreak;
freely giving my breath--
& my thoughts to the man who chooses my fate.
I am just the child living in ignorance who is not really a child;
Patiently waiting for that moment that will take me
To the depths where reality has been left asunder to that which is darkness,
And that which is darker then the twisting sickness inside my thoughts.

Arise, with no recollection of the life you have lived,
The choices that have been made;
All that is acknowledged are the burdens of consequence.
Where blood boils and spews so frequently, all you know is sorrow.
There is no essence of time, and anger pointless--
For it was your own actions that lead you astray,
And helped you arrive at this very destination,
Where sugar isn’t considered as sweet as damnation.

my heart,
              it beats.
my eyes,
              they leak.
and i'm lucky to stand
on these two feet.

but this mind of mine
does twist and turn
                            inside.
a sweet and bitter licorice.
a loud yet quiet mechanism.
& my thoughts are not as easily shared--
like how they used to be.

because i prefer that you can't see
what isn't exactly okay with me.
& i'm so good at hiding, because i know how to seek.

so lets do what we have to.
discover what has been over looked.

i have to know what i want before i can get it;
so if you think you must, don't ever regret it.


and she said to me while i was driving
that they break you down,
so they can
build you up.
the way
they want
you built.
without you even knowing.

you have a story.
i have one too.
how else did we get here
and hear?                                                                          i thought that you knew


so open your eyes.
open your mind.
how many times have you been pushed down.
how many times have you got up on your own?

we break our selves with each of our pessimistic characteristics.
while discouragement may come easy, no one can build you back up
but yourself.

my heart,
              it beats.
but now it is stronger.
my eyes,
              they leak
even in front of a stranger.
and i'm lucky to stand
on these two feet.
because with them i can dance.

maybe I think too much, and maybe I don't think enough.
doubt can be found anywhere, anything can be bound to tear.  

the way we were raised can only effect us in our graves
if that is what we choose,
while some can argue we have everything to gain,
and far too much to lose.

now I see that words are more powerful than I can understand;
used to destroy, or to give a helping hand.

is it pleasure that you are seeking out?
is life's endeavor what it's all about?


the mind is far more malleable
when we understand that we are capable.

There was a convict in the condos.
He took two lives, one with a bat.

I first heard the story when it slipped out my neighbors drunk lips.
"He killed someone! He killed them with a bat!"
Though each word was said with such sharpness,
they seemed to drag on in her slur.
Her body staggered, as if the bones didn't want to fit,
or they didn't know how.
She kept pointing her finger.
I just wanted to smoke a cigarette, but instead I was a witness.

He was walking away at first.
Until she screamed those words.
He found her shoulders, and shoved them into the wall.
Loud whispers, until she pushed him.
But he is bigger, and he won't fall.

That's when I started screaming.
In his rage he surely must have forgotten my existence.

He walked away that night.

It wasn't until months later when the heavily protected policeman barged through their door,
and had all the children wait outside as lights were shone on the windows and doors and faces of everyone in the close proximity,
that's when I realized that there was a convict in the condos.
That he had taken two lives.
One with a bat.

I'll remember to eat optimism in the morning,
So that way I can **** excellence by evening.

Maybe one day I'll be as lucky
As the dinosaur bones
Found under the ground.
Instead my words will decay
And rot away
Like our atmosphere.

I pitty those in charge, who ****** thousands of humans
For fossil fuels.

And currently,
I am happy.
Because i've already felt everything else.

My face wears no smile,
My eyes don't tell a story.
I have a heart that beats and finger nails that grow.
It seems to be working out just fine,
And to be honest--
                                  I think it always has.

Finding sanctuary in her sleep 

she eats

her dreams

To keep herself from starving.

She tells sweet stories from her bed,
Where magical places can be found on the pillow,
And the tears can
leak
onto the
sheets
When the living dream is mundane and hollow.

Waking every few hours, 

To note the time the clock portrays.

Letting it also eat the day away.
Measuring the light and dark so carefully,
We forget
that
we
too
spin.
And now she is disregarding
Time’s very own mechanism;
She lays
Her head
Back down.

Hours pass, just like the days.
All of it lost in a fantasy within her distorted reality.
The food rots in the kitchen.
Her thoughts rot in her mind.
Nothing is the same,
Nothing was ever sane.

She jumped in and out of her stories.
Hoping her own narration wasn’t boring.
Naive, as well as stubborn
She unknowingly traveled into a nightmare--
Walking away from her bed
She felt so cold,
Not understanding it was she that was dead.
Her dreams still persist,
for life,
was her unwanted gift.

We live in times of blind acceptance,
absorbing all things possible through
technology.

Loving the options, we scroll through
aisles of the same final product,  
advertised through a  different
touch of what is perceived as genuine,
or discounted;

all wanting a better outcome for
anything that will benefit
the me--

the end leaving us before
the one true requirement--
that human beings rely on;
the idea of what it is that
pushes us towards being accepted,
acknowledged….
Loved.

and here I stand;

I know nothing,
and disregard all attachment.

Whatever it is that makes me,
wants something
to prove,
and I care nothing for
proving myself to anyone.

I would rather die for someone
else, than learn to die for myself.

ahahha.
Humanity,
More like a circus ring
of counterfeit conformity
we continuously
jump through;

rings of discernment that have only one
surviving outcome--
to acknowledge truth,
or find demise in disregard

let us all become one, through our
desire to be perceived as someone
who ceases judgment upon the world,
and inside the mirrored mind
behind the eye.

Oh yes,
let the wave of ego
cause the most ultra turbulence,
tossing and crashing all the
choices we engrave into stone.

absorbing the chaos of what it
means to be human.

and yet we are also the generation
who is best at neglecting,
and even better at diversion, so let
us live on in the desensitization
of consequence,

ignoring the constant feeling
of conviction, and condemnation,
when enlightenment waits patiently
within the search for wisdom.

We can accept, or neglect
the creation.
For fear understood is often the
answer to longevity.

A narrow pathway filled with gypsies.
The demon dances on the tops of their heads,
While the devil waits around the corner,
his fiddle in hand.

Young, and beautiful with skin so fair;
A golden scarf taming the tempestuous curls.
Walking with the caravan, the road has become her home.
Enervated, but also inspired by the thinning soles.
She sings a tune that only the moon knows,
He will steal her away, to where the thorns and thickets grow.

The bottle cool, like the night.
Clouds hiding the stars, concealing the gods 
So she brings the poison to her lips,
And removes the veil that separates the truth from lies.
She sings a tune that only the moon knows,
He will steal her away, but for now he waits and waits
While he hides.

Crawl on your hands and knees,
You will soon adapt and learn how to survive
Without having to stand straight and upright.
With each step she ages, and memories fade.
Her spine begins to bend just like the branches
Found deep in the forest, where she has decided to stay.
Alone in the night, alone in the day.
She sings a tune that only the moon knows,
And He has already stolen her away.

Her feet are now naked, and filled with the thorns.
A pain so natural, that it becomes comfortable.
He takes her in his arms, and her heart melts into the distance.
The curls have transformed in only a moment,
Wrinkles as deep as the river, and hair as white as the full moon.
She’s clenched in his claws, and caught in his grasp.
Everyday she does his task, with hardly any flaws.

Her song is now whispered, and is faint like the breeze.
But the devil has practiced his fiddle, and is searching
For a new beauty to charm, and deceive.
She sings a tune that only the moon knows,
He has stolen her away, Old Nick is the future she chose.

Everyone thought her lonliness was due to the death of her husband.
In reality it was because she had never revealed her own truths.
Keeping them tucked away, hidden in her capillaries.
The secrets best kept, are the ones we can forget.
She feared exposing what it is that makes her,
resulting in dull conversations that could only please strangers.
Never had she considered that what she was doing was decietful,
but rather just enjoying a life of ignorance.
A child hiding inside, holding back the tears of life.
She has now made a promise--
to never return to his grave, or even speak his name.
For when she saw in her minds eye the bones of her deceased lover,
decaying and rotting away, just like the memories in her old age;
she came to understand the purpose of that cage we call ribs.

Learning the way life binds us by our choices,
and even deeper by our thoughts.

There is a pain within each of us,
one we can never understand.
As if it is built into us,
beyond the flesh we have always known.

Decisions must be made, ones that may never take us
to where our desires have made homes in hope.

Accepting the selfless actions,
I do not know for whom I live this life,
For all that I have done is because it has been expected.

I stand in the midst of this unseen battle,
fighting only myself,
asking who is it that is in control.

Lies hurt more than the truth ever will.
Deceit a sharp blade, leaving only blood to spill.
Trust sought out in a world full of false advertising.
Walls will be built, watch towers constantly analyzing.
And we have only ourselves to blame,
For it is only our own words that we can tame.
The choice is yours not to lie,
For later regret will be your only outcry.
Build trust instead of walls
For lies are the ongoing waterfalls;
They are hard to cease when all your know is deceit.
Be proud in your honesty,
Even when you think it may hurt another, for
Lies hurt more than the truth ever will.

Sometimes,

On the mornings when I wake up drunk,

I notice things like the cobwebs between the railing of the stairs.

The aesthetic touch of blue that hangs above me.

Just how great it feels to lay down. Anywhere. 

And that I don’t remember the end of the night. 


Sometimes,

During the nights when I am on ecstasy,

I acknowledge our destructive behaviors,

but also the potential of each and every one of us. 

Thoughts trying to proceed in reaching the truth,

But are far too tangled to weave any real answers. 


Sometimes,

I realize that I am holding onto the anger, 

As if it will protect me...

As if my nights that turn into mornings will suffice,

Instead of leaving me insatiable.

This is a song that I wrote while driving home*
I realised everytime that I have to leave,
I've got to deattach more and more of you from me.

___________

I was just mindin' my business,
when you stumbled upon me,
& started throwin' rocks in my lake.
That's when I knew things started-- with a mistake.

That's when the tides started changin'
You decided to go for a swim,
My name started rearrangin'
at the touch of your skin

There was an undeniable shake
like something got shifted.
My thoughts trembled and quaked,
& I hate to admit this,
I don't want this storm to leave
Let its waves rise, and crash down on me

You're the hurricane reaching my shores;
I don't mind if the lightning strikes,
or if the thunder roars

Now your plannin' on leavin'
& I'd always seen it comin'
crashin' down every wall.
There was no rhyme or reason
in this disastrous fall

I was just mindin' my business
when you stumbled upon your way,
started kickin rocks in every direction
now we've got nothin' left to say.
You let the road take you elsewhere,
But the traffic signs weren't obeyed.
You started drivin' faster
& That's when Thursday's giant got slayed.

Now there's someone else that your after.
At first I thought I was broken and shattered.
So I have made new pieces,
& put them back together.
Let the wind take me away;

Seal my lips to keep me from sinkin;
The moon now shines brighter
& I'm accustom to the damage,
That has made my heart lighter.

I won't let go of the past,
It's all that i have
& you're out of my grasp--
Cause none of these storms
were meant to last

sometimes we have got to look down, to know where we are going to land.
after having fallen so hard, one might think to never look up;
but alas--
the sun still shines behind the clouds.
we are hardly ever truly alone, and without.
for we may very well continue to cast shadows, even on the darkest of days--
but for every light we can perceive there is a darkness to it's complement.
on the matter of joy and love, one day heart ache will follow;
casting it's own shadow, however long and wide we make it.
for free will is what it is that makes us.
freedom to choose that which is, and that which is not.
science has proven we cannot survive in the dark impurities of that shadow.
our own heart and mind need the illumination that happiness so absentmindedly brings.
yet the distractions we fabricate, seem in our own mind to grow each day.
all because we nurture our own despondency with doubt, and deceit.
so when we feel with utmost frailty, that we cannot look up--
remember that this sensation of ******* shall one day cease to be.

I will, because I am too much of a coward to not.

                         The beat carries something more, something more than the blood that is pumping.  I'm not trying                                                           ­      to get carried away, but I guess I am being taken away.
      Somewhere I've never been.
Where                    strangers are more than just the friends I have acquired. 
        
              

               Your words are scattered and chattered all over the scenes of conversation. 


                              I don’t want this attention.

                Did you have a bag with you?
                One that interprets the truth of all that you hold,

                All that you carry? 

                
                Don’t look at me that way. 

                Don’t expect more than you can endure. 

                Our wishes, after all are just time
                spent wasted,

                So I choose to not let
                my knowledge leave me degraded. 


                Pushed to limits, and still believing in the words

                That hold us together, 

                Whether their argument is sound,   Or NOT. 

And here I am, caught and stuck
            In the tornado
      of self-destruction.
               Drink it in, forget without.
                     Who knows what it is that we feel, 
        
                   In the tangles of webs that we make our homes. 
         Erase, what, was, known,
Erase, the, words, that, have, been, absorbed.

Erase, and let
                       the world be new again.

slipping past conscience actions.
diving into the idea that maybe things will go
                                                              ­                         the way that i've hoped.

now all that is left to do is extract the expectations,
& i'm left stranded.                 my mind is smashing into the bottom
of a self created abyss that leads towards the truth that
to exist is to perceive. i watch my choices extend themselves
into my future, into how i see myself.


no reflection showing worth.

through adaptation i made comfort
in the dark.
the clouds came in, and decided to stay;
lingering in the sky, just barely out of reach.
they are so low, and i'm solo.

i don't.
i don't need.
i don't need this.
i don't need this anymore.

so i'll make up reasons to leave.
push myself further and further away from what others define as love.
whereas my dictionary is full of lies,
and the truth is,
i don't really mind.

i twisted and turned;
running as fast as my bones would allow.
i'm a little exhausted--
but i'm too tangled to care.

and all this time
i thought
except me.
accept me.

Two years in recovery;
Emotions disregarded.
While antibodies made homes
I created something new inside.

Have I forgotten how to feel?

Three years in secrecy;
I lived in ignorance
While whispers lie caught in webs
I discovered something new to hide.

Choosing nonentity.
A heart that is void.
Backwards living, Forward talking,
Influenced by all that is around
To grasp the idea of truth.

There is far more to all of this
Than memories, and words.

logic seems to be lost in the disease
i become self absorbed with the lies
that the enemy whispers into my thoughts.

it is all in the mind

lovers will go, and come
but truly, i cannot predict the future
so i shall live with no expectations
and even in doing so
my hopes will shatter

i have told lies
and lies have made me
just like they have made you
maybe it is the lie that we are born into
and sadly, the truth is hidden

addicted to the thought of death
and the pure imagination
that my very being will have no impact
on this wide wild world before me
but i now realize
that everything happens for a reason
even my past pain, the suffering, and especially...
all the treason

so i shall no longer pray for a cure
i will embrace my scars
slowly, but surly
i will do what i was meant to

i have no magic carpet to take me on this journey
nor do i have a hand to hold, and comfort mine
but i have faith, and hope
that there will be a better tomorrow
even if the forecast tells of gray dismal skies

the past has brought us here to the present
and here we patiently anticipate what will happen next
what might go wrong, or right
all depending on our actions
and still we ask ourselves why
"Why."

and i am here, not to give you the answer
but to inform you
that you must create your own
for each question that you ask
we must seek what we are looking for
and i may be blind to the truth
but i am working on that,
i am no disgrace

With frail bones you have traveled,
Walking with a limp that only speaks of age.

I did not ask for you to do this,
I did not ask for this sadness.

The words are all drowning inside.
I cannot find enough meaning.
My eyes can only leak
And the cigarette is burning,
I haven’t got much time.

It all sounds the same.

You have only showed kindness,
To my bitter characteristics.
If only I could understand
why I am so angry, why I am so sad.

I apologize, with every bit of strength I can.
I fear I may never be able to love you
As much as you have loved me.
I am so sorry, mother.
                       I am so sorry.