passion lead by lust, and transformed
into romantic dedication to be accepted of imperfections,
easily succumbs to the denial of our own role
in the vanity of altercation....

when demons are found within us all,
in which we hope love will subdue,
blind in the present, and always the beginning,
to the essential fall.

yet after the lighthearted descent,
upon impact, each rupture of the heart,
though estranged at first break,
manifests through perspective
the beauty of our flaws, and the power that is love.

Honesty was buried in the grave
that you dug for fear of making
yourself look bad
as you shoved the dirt atop
the excuses that sound so clever
in your thoughts.
As if I am too clueless to understand
the truth that you hold back.

How can I be embarrassed that
your decisions resulted in colored pencils,
instead of a dictionary.
That it is dull words that slip through our phone calls
to keep you occupied with your life,
creating ways to relate them to me--
when they don't.

The last time I used a shovel,
I was raking leaves.
The required tool was not available,
but I made the best of it,
and still told the truth at the end of it.
So lets make plans for the future
none of us are promised,
because lies are found deep in our structure.

This is no treasure hunt,
I do not have to seek out  
accumulated values that belong to
someone other than me.
my metal detector is better used as
a prop to hold my broken window shut,
because it used to be a habit
to lock myself out.

And now I have a life of authenticity to take me
to the heart of a dirt-free familiarity.
Where others are required to leave their dreg diggers
at home where it is more comfortable,
if they want to communicate with me;
I never have to look down on myself again.
my emptiness has been filled.

We live in times of blind acceptance,
absorbing all things possible through
technology.

Loving the options, we scroll through
aisles of the same final product,  
advertised through a  different
touch of what is perceived as genuine,
or discounted;

all wanting a better outcome for
anything that will benefit
the me--

the end leaving us before
the one true requirement--
that human beings rely on;
the idea of what it is that
pushes us towards being accepted,
acknowledged….
Loved.

and here I stand;

I know nothing,
and disregard all attachment.

Whatever it is that makes me,
wants something
to prove,
and I care nothing for
proving myself to anyone.

I would rather die for someone
else, than learn to die for myself.

ahahha.
Humanity,
More like a circus ring
of counterfeit conformity
we continuously
jump through;

rings of discernment that have only one
surviving outcome--
to acknowledge truth,
or find demise in disregard

let us all become one, through our
desire to be perceived as someone
who ceases judgment upon the world,
and inside the mirrored mind
behind the eye.

Oh yes,
let the wave of ego
cause the most ultra turbulence,
tossing and crashing all the
choices we engrave into stone.

absorbing the chaos of what it
means to be human.

and yet we are also the generation
who is best at neglecting,
and even better at diversion, so let
us live on in the desensitization
of consequence,

ignoring the constant feeling
of conviction, and condemnation,
when enlightenment waits patiently
within the search for wisdom.

We can accept, or neglect
the creation.
For fear understood is often the
answer to longevity.

Distance unravels with each ambivalent
word that falls out of my mouth.
Only a fragment of my thoughts are
let out-- the fear of you knowing the truth
about the way you make my heart confuse
my head, holds me back from embracing
the only love, life has thrown my way.
holds me tighter than the memories hand
cuffed to your touch, and our legs intertwined
beyond the bed of liquor we would consume.

I am still your desire, for actions prove themselves
in the late hours of your drunkenness, even
though it was you who left me when you stole
the tequila the dawn after a night filled with naked
souls, sinfully cheating there way past redemption.
It was my first real naked party.
And my mind jumps to the idea that you were just
waiting for reasons to cut me loose.
But in that moment I felt relieved that for once, I had
been used. Used as a life support of love.

Sometimes the clocks tick when I forget
I am human.

Every day runs in through my past,
and is happening right now.

I'm no gypsy
but i think it will continue
in the future i have yet
to embrace.

Each day
can be
like yesterday, through selectivity.

Experiencing each thought, and
choice we make, we change the
slightest bit; unaware of the emotions
that teach unspoken lessons.

A subconscious that holds true;
each hand holding itself, in anticipation of acceptance.

A line through all memories; a foundation that holds us up--
measuring the definition of life.

Time is a word created, and change is choice.

It is all perspective.

Free will is my tombstone,
as I continue
to promise to hold my grave
in each day.

I don't know if I will ever be able to articulate what you do to me.
And yet you do nothing, still leaving me thoroughly pleased.
I promise that I didn't mean to fall.

Maybe it is the shape of your eyes when you smile,
The way your teeth are placed and spaced in you mouth.
The sound of your voice, seldom heard, but powerful just the same.

Sometimes, I see the seriousness of your thoughts.
Our eyes hardly ever meet, and when they do,
they are averted to some useless object in the room.

We shared one night, tangled in sheets.
The touch of your skin, enveloping all of me.
Now we are left with nothing to say.  

And to be honest, I don't mind your quiet.
Because I simply don't feel I deserve your words,
So I will take your silence, because it is yours.

And in the times where I believed I have forgotten who I am,
I remember who it is that I want to be.
Days layer themselves upon my conscience, unaware
that the doubt that has survived through my blood stream
year, after year, after year still prevails.

Remind me again, of the self-destructive path I lead
in times of past where I was left in my own
deception, as you stood on the other side of your
own self built picket lines.

A daughter who never earned self-respect even
when she did everything she was told just by looking
at the eyes of judgment. Understanding that the
love would not be there otherwise.

Hell with insurance, and pieces of paper given
value that try to constrict my choices, in who I want
to be as a person. Yet these are the borders I have
endured as a child, taught as a consumer without limits,
from parents who thought they knew what was best.

So we try to remember the future by forgetting
our problems, running away as our blood
runs deeper.
We are just bones, with flesh.

How we have this knowledge is a
secret we die for.

I went through the motions
thinking the actions would take back
all the sorrow I have been born into.

Now I find I am setting myself up for failure
before I even attempt to try,
acknowledging this…

A heart ruptured in mind. Bones
still stand, but a pain from the core
remains when

The truth is before me
and eyes hold me back
when seeking out perspective.

A fear that cannot
be grasped when facing
the imprisonment of what
we choose to believe,

And he dreams of my salvation--
Coming up to the altar and breaking
open my ribs to give my heart to the Lord.



I thought it sounded great
when I was younger.

There was a convict in the condos.
He took two lives, one with a bat.

I first heard the story when it slipped out my neighbors drunk lips.
"He killed someone! He killed them with a bat!"
Though each word was said with such sharpness,
they seemed to drag on in her slur.
Her body staggered, as if the bones didn't want to fit,
or they didn't know how.
She kept pointing her finger.
I just wanted to smoke a cigarette, but instead I was a witness.

He was walking away at first.
Until she screamed those words.
He found her shoulders, and shoved them into the wall.
Loud whispers, until she pushed him.
But he is bigger, and he won't fall.

That's when I started screaming.
In his rage he surely must have forgotten my existence.

He walked away that night.

It wasn't until months later when the heavily protected policeman barged through their door,
and had all the children wait outside as lights were shone on the windows and doors and faces of everyone in the close proximity,
that's when I realized that there was a convict in the condos.
That he had taken two lives.
One with a bat.

Learning the way life binds us by our choices,
and even deeper by our thoughts.

There is a pain within each of us,
one we can never understand.
As if it is built into us,
beyond the flesh we have always known.

Decisions must be made, ones that may never take us
to where our desires have made homes in hope.

Accepting the selfless actions,
I do not know for whom I live this life,
For all that I have done is because it has been expected.

I stand in the midst of this unseen battle,
fighting only myself,
asking who is it that is in control.

sick and diseased, my actions take hold of me
and lead me to a place of contemplation.
not necessarily the embodiment of regret
but that which resembles disappointment.

ill decisions that need to be nurtured,
thoughts that long to be whole.
a dose of rationality medicating what it is that makes me.

Forgiving a necessary ritual,
in regaining serenity.

Sometimes,

On the mornings when I wake up drunk,

I notice things like the cobwebs between the railing of the stairs.

The aesthetic touch of blue that hangs above me.

Just how great it feels to lay down. Anywhere. 

And that I don’t remember the end of the night. 


Sometimes,

During the nights when I am on ecstasy,

I acknowledge our destructive behaviors,

but also the potential of each and every one of us. 

Thoughts trying to proceed in reaching the truth,

But are far too tangled to weave any real answers. 


Sometimes,

I realize that I am holding onto the anger, 

As if it will protect me...

As if my nights that turn into mornings will suffice,

Instead of leaving me insatiable.

It is not a place of distance, but a place apart.
My teeth get *****, just like my thoughts and heart.
I have yet to find the purpose,
and acknowledge what it's worth.

The straps on my watch have broken,
But hands are always moving.

I remember the look of your eyes
as you slipped past conscienceness into a world unspoken.
Muscles stiff, and bones locked.
Lips losing life. All was blue.
I held up your head, eyes rolling back--
I had to leave the room.
I cried by the window.
Those eyes, your eyes,
were not yours for that moment.

It is not a place of distance, but a place apart.

I have brushed my teeth,
and reconsidered it all.
Our hearts continue to beat,
and you have risen from your fall.

I may not have found the purpose,
but I've still got the time.

Let the pieces fall where they fall,
because my thoughts
are crashing fast
& I don’t know
if there is time
before they cease to
exist.

As I search for sanctification
I lose myself in validity.
Thoughts pulled and thrown across
my mind that has no boundaries,
except for the ones I have
created.

I can see all that I want to,
but it is hard to interpret
the truth, and what lies
it holds and transforms into
beliefs.

The pieces have fallen,
& in all my searching,
I have discovered the only answer is
accepting.

When darkness creeps

She seems to die in the night, 

Laying her head down to rest. 

Accepting the surreal world she 

Sometimes doesn’t remember.

It isn’t exactly a place of death,

Where she stays each night. 

Yet, each morning she is reborn

As the sunlights stretches into her room,

Acknowledging it doesn’t take all day

To find the purpose of its glow.

I will devour the sky, and the storm it carries.
Biting down onto the hail that was destined for you.
The tornadoes tickling my insides,
while hurricanes drown out my thoughts.

If only I could,
                                                  steal crime
and hide
it deep within my darkest of shadows.
Where you can never find
                                                  the hatred or the lies
Of the human characteristics
that displays the routines of habit,
just to pay the mortgage,
and we pay, and pay.

So let me eat that too.
I heard that kind of paper is quite valuable,
and I don't mind if I'm already full.

I guess I just thought,
if the weatherman could lie,
just like the politicians,
why couldn't I?

It is not always simply the toss of a coin,
Or the words we choose to say,
But the pauses in between.
Not always black.
Not always white,
But sometimes gray.

Ohhh the **** I have read online.
The **** that erupts from our mouths,
and through our finger tips,
Mine of course included in that heap
of never ending opinions.

Hey, what buttons are you clicking on now?
Pressing, and touching.
All I hear is the click clack of nothing.
So go ahead, let these very words
distract, distract, distract
You.

Yeah, the world has changed.
Surely it has even rearranged its concepts and morals.
Just turn on the tube, and you'll see the explicit truth
displayed like the movement of our bowels.
**** I tell ya.
****.

It's concentrated into little advertisements
for the endless materials we don't need.
Saturated in the last morsel of humanity,
we disregarded the taste,
and chose to live in the corruption,
believing something
will save us.
We wait and do nothing,
expecting it to just happen.
Well wait no longer,
just keep browsing the web.
                  I'll probably just
continue
writing these words,
into your eyes they will be fed.

Maybe it's just my mind that has become rotten
in all the moments of life that were forgotten,
due to the distractions.
                               All the distractions.
I guess it's just difficult to grasp them,
but still, it is hard
Getting used to the stench our minds have created,
allowing ourselves to become jaded
in technology.

While without knowing
that we are telling ourselves,
                                               Why not let truth be left for the dusty books on the shelves.

I will, because I am too much of a coward to not.

                         The beat carries something more, something more than the blood that is pumping.  I'm not trying                                                           ­      to get carried away, but I guess I am being taken away.
      Somewhere I've never been.
Where                    strangers are more than just the friends I have acquired. 
        
              

               Your words are scattered and chattered all over the scenes of conversation. 


                              I don’t want this attention.

                Did you have a bag with you?
                One that interprets the truth of all that you hold,

                All that you carry? 

                
                Don’t look at me that way. 

                Don’t expect more than you can endure. 

                Our wishes, after all are just time
                spent wasted,

                So I choose to not let
                my knowledge leave me degraded. 


                Pushed to limits, and still believing in the words

                That hold us together, 

                Whether their argument is sound,   Or NOT. 

And here I am, caught and stuck
            In the tornado
      of self-destruction.
               Drink it in, forget without.
                     Who knows what it is that we feel, 
        
                   In the tangles of webs that we make our homes. 
         Erase, what, was, known,
Erase, the, words, that, have, been, absorbed.

Erase, and let
                       the world be new again.

My words aren't the juice you are searching for,
The words that will suddenly change your opinion,
about everything.
about anything.

My words are just words.

I wouldn't even consider them mine,
when it comes down to it.

The television lets you escape,
lets you live another life.
Why don't you just turn that television on,
instead of reading this.
Reading my words.

It doesn't matter,
Time will go on,
The alarm will go off,
Your routine awaits.

My stomach churns, my eyelids fall.
I feel so tired, but I long to be awake and filled with life.
Either my friends have abandoned me, or I have abandoned them.
I suppose it doesn’t really matter now,
Knowing that I am alone.
None the less, I shall create my own solitude.
I will bend, and try not to break.
I will break, and try not to be overcome by pity.

The past is what has made me,
My own actions have made my past.

There will be a tomorrow, I have never doubted it.
I have only been unsure of how I will withstand today,
How I will endure my corrupted mind until the sun again rises.

I don’t ask why anymore.
Those three letters have plagued me for far too long.

I do not ask for the winds to change, nor do I embrace it.
I just let it be, I just let.

How queer it is to be human,
For I am as human as they come,
As human as they go.
Sunken in sorrow, uplifted in joy,
Tormented by the truth, finding safety in lies.

When I was young I thought I could do anything.
In fact I thought I could do anything a few months ago.
But change has come, and doubt has leaked into my everything.

With frail bones you have traveled,
Walking with a limp that only speaks of age.

I did not ask for you to do this,
I did not ask for this sadness.

The words are all drowning inside.
I cannot find enough meaning.
My eyes can only leak
And the cigarette is burning,
I haven’t got much time.

It all sounds the same.

You have only showed kindness,
To my bitter characteristics.
If only I could understand
why I am so angry, why I am so sad.

I apologize, with every bit of strength I can.
I fear I may never be able to love you
As much as you have loved me.
I am so sorry, mother.
                       I am so sorry.

Mentalities that leak all over my everything.
            Uncertainty has eroded my respect of self.

Opportunities are disregarded.
Ideas strewn across the room.

            A dose of lies so potent
           It deteriorates my motives, and beliefs.

Struggling to resist the voice inside
that started as a whisper;
a slight breeze in a self made hell.

           I spoke too soon, yet I haven't said a thing.

A silence so aesthetic it takes me to the edge
Where I am vulnerable to only that which is true.

          My demons hide behind mirrors,
          And haunt the corridors of my thoughts.

Their surreptitious plans demand All of me.
I am placed in their pockets, and am considered the favor
upon which they believe they deserve.  

             Pirating my spirit, Robbing my composure,
             They only desire my emotions.

For if they acquire My happiness,
they know,
My happiness is the only thing
that can save me from my dues, my debts. 


This very reason, is why I fight, 

This very reason, is why I shall never surrender,
            Even if I am left with nothing.

I’ve got a history of one night stands.
Nights that end alone,
Adding up the lovers it all blurs
into an escapade of ecstasy.

                 Abusadora,
Is what is written across my heart.
So diseased, and devoured I can’t help the desire I have
to be touched, and consumed.

Eat all my words, envelop all that I am.
Let me take you in, and let you rot inside for the night.
False connections. Yet my body knows what to do next,
Just get undressed and let my insatiable appetite do the rest.

I left you behind, on purpose.
I had you leave my titillating circus.
No need for you to stay,
When I cannot even begin to behave.

I am my own best company.
Especially when I become what one would define as, Aroused.
So I’ll teach myself to remember
that history is often repeated.

I’ll dispose of the man that thinks he is worthy
Of all that is that makes me.
For there is no other sensation best kept
As the ones my own body does *****.

The river bank is erroding,
but the trees stay rooted--
above is the sky, and
beyond is where the
tundra lies.

A life so different, and yet vaguely
familiar.
It is Sunday, and you can find me in
the desert.
My mind cannot identify the differences
in the bodies of water from
my Alaskan
memories,
or the one that is before me.
I am only able to
recognize that there is always
movement.

The current so calm, just like the
beating of my heart, the gliding of
the clouds.
If you could find my hand, would there
be any love left
to give?

I cannot hide in my skin, only
submerge into my
thoughts.

"I beg your pardon Miss, you are not
just carbon,
you have got a purpose."

One day I'll release this pen,
and free all the
fear.
                           I hope to never be found.

This distance, by no means will hold me
captive.
It is time for me to embrace it,
For I worry it is not far enough.

My eyes will always see 
  
           You upside down. 
  
           Yet it doesn’t defeat the purpose
           Cause it flips you right back around.

Today I tried to quit
Pushing truth further away,
Now I find I’m wrapped up in the lies.

Walking through hell--
    Just our world in disguise
All because we are told that
    We once fell.

So we create God in our image,
And find safety in mythology
But....
  

           My eyes will always see 
  
           You upside down. 
  
           Yet it doesn’t defeat the purpose
           Cause it flips you right back around.

We continue to make our
Own explanations,
Create our own definitions.
Ignoring all the
Wounds and lesions,
Committing upon ourselves
Our own created treason's,
All because
  
            My eyes will always see 
  
            You upside down. 
  
            Yet it doesn’t defeat the purpose
            Cause it flips you right back around.

Finding sanctuary in her sleep 

she eats

her dreams

To keep herself from starving.

She tells sweet stories from her bed,
Where magical places can be found on the pillow,
And the tears can
leak
onto the
sheets
When the living dream is mundane and hollow.

Waking every few hours, 

To note the time the clock portrays.

Letting it also eat the day away.
Measuring the light and dark so carefully,
We forget
that
we
too
spin.
And now she is disregarding
Time’s very own mechanism;
She lays
Her head
Back down.

Hours pass, just like the days.
All of it lost in a fantasy within her distorted reality.
The food rots in the kitchen.
Her thoughts rot in her mind.
Nothing is the same,
Nothing was ever sane.

She jumped in and out of her stories.
Hoping her own narration wasn’t boring.
Naive, as well as stubborn
She unknowingly traveled into a nightmare--
Walking away from her bed
She felt so cold,
Not understanding it was she that was dead.
Her dreams still persist,
for life,
was her unwanted gift.

Programmed to destroy 
Any inclination of affection,
A mindless drone, with no satisfaction
Losing ourselves
In a planned reaction
Where one cannot feel
Or understand the cause
That brought us
To the bed filled with flaws.
Is this our only chance
To possess each other?
Undress each other
Under the covers,
To deny the fact we are our past lovers.

The clouds are here to stay,
While the sun tries to shine
In this town that resembles
A snow-globe design.
The people are tormented,
And she is drunken in her disease--
A welcomed guest,who begs and pleads
For a savior that can save her.

The wind has died down,
It was once as sharp as the gods.
Cutting flawlessly into our memories,
And dancing away in the leaves.
Our bones remain, while our brain decays.
We used to stay up all night
Transplanting stories of when we ate the moon.
Creating boundaries, and passages
In the dark valleys of our past.
Where hatred is all that we crave
When we have made new homes in our grave.

The movement is rapid,
Going in all the wrong directions.
Overflowing promises
That only result in silhouettes of
All that I’ve tried to forget.
Trying to take hold of all that goes on,
But all that is in my grasp is the gun--
My finger already on the trigger. 

Now the demons have conspired,
They
          have
                    already
won.

slipping past conscience actions.
diving into the idea that maybe things will go
                                                              ­                         the way that i've hoped.

now all that is left to do is extract the expectations,
& i'm left stranded.                 my mind is smashing into the bottom
of a self created abyss that leads towards the truth that
to exist is to perceive. i watch my choices extend themselves
into my future, into how i see myself.


no reflection showing worth.

through adaptation i made comfort
in the dark.
the clouds came in, and decided to stay;
lingering in the sky, just barely out of reach.
they are so low, and i'm solo.

i don't.
i don't need.
i don't need this.
i don't need this anymore.

so i'll make up reasons to leave.
push myself further and further away from what others define as love.
whereas my dictionary is full of lies,
and the truth is,
i don't really mind.

i twisted and turned;
running as fast as my bones would allow.
i'm a little exhausted--
but i'm too tangled to care.

and all this time
i thought
except me.
accept me.

I'll remember to eat optimism in the morning,
So that way I can **** excellence by evening.

Maybe one day I'll be as lucky
As the dinosaur bones
Found under the ground.
Instead my words will decay
And rot away
Like our atmosphere.

I pitty those in charge, who ****** thousands of humans
For fossil fuels.

And currently,
I am happy.
Because i've already felt everything else.

My face wears no smile,
My eyes don't tell a story.
I have a heart that beats and finger nails that grow.
It seems to be working out just fine,
And to be honest--
                                  I think it always has.

If only I could capture this moment forever;
                     streaks of the sunset
                     pushing itself past
                     the forest of trees.
the uncomfortable calm
of being truly alone;
                     not even i can
                     understand the
                     whispering of the leaves,
                     but only accept,
                     and embrace
                     it's soothing hush.
I light the match
that starts the fire,
a self-inflicted disease.
only a skeleton remains.
                     & yet it is so
                     easy to destroy
                     our morals
                     & dissolve
                     our values.
we hold close to the heart
and treasure that which
                     is our own created demise

if only i could capture this moment forever;
                     a truth so tormenting
                     we have words like
                     eco-friendly,
                     lost in translation
                     we scream for sanctity--
for we know not what we do.

                     our hands,
                     are hands
                     that have built
                     the monster disguised
                     as a machine.

                                          so let us embrace this moment
                                          where these words,
                                          these words were your home
                                          for a brief moment
                                          in your life.

There is no lack of communication.
For our tongues do not stop
To appreciate silence.

Your presence consumes me
Filling me with heavy waves of ecstasy.
But all that rises must one day crash.

Like how your skin holds you in,
My past clings to my tomorrow--
And doubt leaks into the cracks.

Complicating simplicity.
To not take the risk.
A love so true, yet found homeless
                                          and unrequited.

Setting myself up for failure before I even attempt to try.

                  And still,
Deep within all that is who I am
I still feel as if it is you alone who can fill
This insatiable appetite.

Fear flows in,
and I wonder if there is even room
in my heart for desire.

As he looks beyond iced glass,
mesmerized by the snow
Escaping into the past--
A tragedy we can never know.

Trying
           To restore
The life before
           The war;
Where blood
           Wasn’t 
so abundant--
In dreams
           That haunt the day.
Decoding the objective,
           Discovering nothing
that is sound
A language now rejected,
             and definitions bound.

His eyes slip further into the distance.
Cold hands loose grasp of time,
and the secrets it holds inside.
Unafraid to let go
of the life that we know.

Now deaths silence envelops the room,
My words,
        My words lost ,
While you have found serenity.

When addressing the bones that hold me up
I notice they still stand strong,
Even when
                       my weak morals seem
to only crash down...
             Down towards an underground
life.

Thoughts subdued in poison;
A disappearing mystery.
No control of emotion,
The definition of perplexity.

         The enigma of the mind
         That withers in the winds of time.

Still I search for that unknown
          which hides itself from me;
Slipping past the shadows,
Of the ghosts that I once knew.
            Even I have become a memory--
Rushing towards a synthetic manifestation.

A truth discreetly concealed,
Scars proclaiming sincerity,
The moment of self-affliction
Where I finally choose
               To change my character and direction.

You asked what happened
I replied only the truth.
                                             The truth.

What’s wrong you whispered
             I said it’s of no concern.

I looked into your eyes
And they were trying to tell me
         That you want to help me
But I think that
                           I’ve already died

You repeat, repeat
Over and
                 over again
“Please stay with me.”
                       & I don’t understand,
Cause I know that you can’t
even save me/

So when I walk alone
I hope that you can take the time to understand
That I'd much rather prefer to be on my own.

            & Tonight the sun never set,
It just stayed in the sky.
                                            Stayed in the sky.

But there was darkness all around me;
               & inside of me fear
And even with you here
                           beside me
I am alone.
I am alone on this weary road.


The sun beat down on the wild flowers,
the pigment so orange,
my eyes could almost taste it....
& yet
              You just keep talkin and talkin
your words don’t mean nothin’
          So I keep walkin and walkin
Don’t know where I’m goin
But I know that I’ll get there,
                                                 I’ll get there.

Cause there ain’t nothin in this life
                 that is fair

So we push ourselves further and further
To the middle of no where--
                                   Proclaiming it is where we want to be;
That nothing will ever compare,
        But no matter where we breathe,
We are still breathing
                                      air.

Fighting the sensations;
I am speechless and consumed
With nothing
       As well as everything.

The drinks all taste the same.
Conversations become dulled down
       To empty promises.

Skeletons of chandeliers;
Ghosts of past lovers.
       Memories distorted.

The inadequate use of words
Dripping off your
       slurred tongue.

I’ve been burned before,
Leaving me fearless                 in front of the fire.

Searching for a cure;
In the coffin of
                      false happiness.

Trying to balance between    
       Reality, and self-inflating lies
While I dream of falling,
       And crashing to my demise.

Two years in recovery;
Emotions disregarded.
While antibodies made homes
I created something new inside.

Have I forgotten how to feel?

Three years in secrecy;
I lived in ignorance
While whispers lie caught in webs
I discovered something new to hide.

Choosing nonentity.
A heart that is void.
Backwards living, Forward talking,
Influenced by all that is around
To grasp the idea of truth.

There is far more to all of this
Than memories, and words.

Eat the throbbing pulse;
Survival is no longer necessary.
The night disappeared into morning,
And I into another mask.

Words abused and thrown across the conversations.
The little things, bigger than what they seem.
Swallowing the truth, accepting damnation.

Don’t take my hand,
I am not yours to hold.
Leave, and take your misery with you.
A path of self-destruction,
Carving eternity with my blood.

While I am left
Devoured, and numb--
Choosing ignorance
While I play the part of the coward.

Your lies, become mine.
An abundance of false happiness,
incognito,
It’s own disguise.

Pavement eating us alive.
Life pulsing all throughout the fire.
Hiding is not an option,
When it comes down to destruction and desire.

I prayed for sanctification;
Was awakened by tears.
A devastating crash,
That lead to the death,
That was fed by my breath;
I cannot take back that which I did not take.

Do not ask for my reason,
You were never so sure;
When you are forbidden to understand my rhyme.
Disease stricken, left with no cure
After all--
One can only borrow time.

I don’t plan on ******,
Nor do I plan to sit under the clouds of doubt.
The course that was chosen
May not have been correct,
Now I am left frozen
With little respect.

The world around, in chaos as it spins,
but I only feel the stillness
Of your heartbeat fading.
A life full of turmoil and sins,
Until you confess
Of a life that is degrading.

Currents take me and make me
Fight harder to reach the shores;
An argument of morals and values
When suddenly your voice roars
And boasts of better times.
You have lost that which was not found.

The explosion was full of toxins,
My poison seeps out my bloodstream.
Thoughts twinkle and die
When they try to hide
In the shadows that do not welcome a soul;
A darkness so deep once it was sold.

Nightmares after each waking,
And now my words are what you are taking.
While I am left baron, and empty
When it is I who has left me
For a better place where one can save face;
Silently
        Wiping the tears away

In death we acknowledge our names
For the very first time,
Willing to engrave into stone
That which we once knew.

Escape the voice
That lives inside,
Closer than that which is seen.
A junction of trespassing.

Was I asleep?
You are who I have become,
And I am living a life of invisibility.
One step behind.

Exactly where we are,
Asking who do you think I am.
A full upright position,
Imposing on the question of love.

Tricks in the bag,
Tricks you cannot find;
Love me/hate me/snub me/shake me
Into a new persona of a simple mind.

Sit down and stumble on your questions.
Your own answers already known.
Convincing lies told as truth;
We are the all seeing all dancing
Low-life's  of the world.

I am who you want to be,
Free in all aspects, and views
Of courage.
Of running.
Wrestling our past,
Watching memories

                                                       ­                                     Disappear.

You’ve got the mountain in your eyes,
And I’ve got no more money.
Was I ever capable of all that you thought I was
Or was that the standard operation?

Your lonely ways disguised in your actions,
In your words
I find your silence.
Kept out of respect,
Even after knowing I could never love you.

I fell hard onto the concrete.
You wore a different pair of shoes.
Rolling down the asphalt,
I can’t take for granted that which I never took.

Blood drips from your shoulders.
Scars devour my body from head to toe.
There is no more room for conversation,
You practice distance from around the corner.

Past the lake that made the man,
Into the ink that has transformed
The way I interpret your                                    
                                                                                        everything.

Another man enters, and I confessed.
He was astonished, while I felt a longing
for Your ice stained eyes.

I know that which burdens me,
That which may have spread
into you through
My touch, your lovers tendencies.

But there is no connection
That could get past the infection.
Lies have built up, and clotted inside my heart.
Black and blue designs,
This bruise is so stubborn,
And it cannot be defined.

further more, further more upon that twisted path
a labyrinth of minds emotions
trying to re
live
                               the past.
chunks of time taken from inside
memories fasding fast--
in the shadows you try to hide
but the present is where one cannot find;
hidden in what is lost.

Lost lovers, love lives
hiding under covers,
where one should never estimate over
the bridge that builds trust and ships.
Ships that sail across the sand,
so dry and desolate.
Here you take what is not yours,
and embrace the
starving
                 quiet.

Practicing in the dark,
the curtains have all burned.
A star shoots across the carpet,
and falls
on
   to
      the
floor.

Desperate faces, lost in the maze,
and nothing is ever going to change
unless you take
that first
step
and then accept
what it is
that they call
                           death.

Let the cold wind envelop all that I am,
Allowing it to push me further and further away from you.
I am the kite with glass string; freely falling and flying where I choose.
I am the girl with the poison sting, freely falling and flying where I choose.

Let the sun rise and melt the ice from my blood,
But still the disease remains, and the exposure can’t be contained.
I am the jellyfish, so deadly and calm; freely flowing and going where I choose.
I am the girl who will only do you wrong; freely flowing and going where I choose.

Bitter sweet love, destroying my thoughts.
I could never love you, for you could never accept the truths that hold me captive.
I am the prisoner, who is sentenced to death at daybreak;
freely giving my breath--
& my thoughts to the man who chooses my fate.
I am just the child living in ignorance who is not really a child;
Patiently waiting for that moment that will take me
To the depths where reality has been left asunder to that which is darkness,
And that which is darker then the twisting sickness inside my thoughts.

Arise, with no recollection of the life you have lived,
The choices that have been made;
All that is acknowledged are the burdens of consequence.
Where blood boils and spews so frequently, all you know is sorrow.
There is no essence of time, and anger pointless--
For it was your own actions that lead you astray,
And helped you arrive at this very destination,
Where sugar isn’t considered as sweet as damnation.

you hardly knew what they were talking about,
when they said you were dying from the inside out.
& you still can't maneuver me.
& I'm still like a statued hypocrisy.
Don't look for me on the other side,
where even the monsters have to hide--
I won't cheat death, or defeat it's concept.

There is smoke, escaping from the bathroom.
the hard surface exposing a poisonous fume.
Wake up, feeling like all night you've been dead,
Wake up, feeling either a coffin or a bed.
I never said I was a savior, let alone in your favor.
Hide behind your lies, wear them like mask
Living in your disguise, isn't an easy task.

I dream in color,
so on the nights I don't remember
I just pretend;
I never rose in the morning,
The sleeping didn't end.




& it was in the morning,
when I got that wake up call.
Your voice sounded so distant and old,
My own story abandoned and untold.

This is a song that I wrote while driving home*
I realised everytime that I have to leave,
I've got to deattach more and more of you from me.

___________

I was just mindin' my business,
when you stumbled upon me,
& started throwin' rocks in my lake.
That's when I knew things started-- with a mistake.

That's when the tides started changin'
You decided to go for a swim,
My name started rearrangin'
at the touch of your skin

There was an undeniable shake
like something got shifted.
My thoughts trembled and quaked,
& I hate to admit this,
I don't want this storm to leave
Let its waves rise, and crash down on me

You're the hurricane reaching my shores;
I don't mind if the lightning strikes,
or if the thunder roars

Now your plannin' on leavin'
& I'd always seen it comin'
crashin' down every wall.
There was no rhyme or reason
in this disastrous fall

I was just mindin' my business
when you stumbled upon your way,
started kickin rocks in every direction
now we've got nothin' left to say.
You let the road take you elsewhere,
But the traffic signs weren't obeyed.
You started drivin' faster
& That's when Thursday's giant got slayed.

Now there's someone else that your after.
At first I thought I was broken and shattered.
So I have made new pieces,
& put them back together.
Let the wind take me away;

Seal my lips to keep me from sinkin;
The moon now shines brighter
& I'm accustom to the damage,
That has made my heart lighter.

I won't let go of the past,
It's all that i have
& you're out of my grasp--
Cause none of these storms
were meant to last

Everyone thought her lonliness was due to the death of her husband.
In reality it was because she had never revealed her own truths.
Keeping them tucked away, hidden in her capillaries.
The secrets best kept, are the ones we can forget.
She feared exposing what it is that makes her,
resulting in dull conversations that could only please strangers.
Never had she considered that what she was doing was decietful,
but rather just enjoying a life of ignorance.
A child hiding inside, holding back the tears of life.
She has now made a promise--
to never return to his grave, or even speak his name.
For when she saw in her minds eye the bones of her deceased lover,
decaying and rotting away, just like the memories in her old age;
she came to understand the purpose of that cage we call ribs.

A narrow pathway filled with gypsies.
The demon dances on the tops of their heads,
While the devil waits around the corner,
his fiddle in hand.

Young, and beautiful with skin so fair;
A golden scarf taming the tempestuous curls.
Walking with the caravan, the road has become her home.
Enervated, but also inspired by the thinning soles.
She sings a tune that only the moon knows,
He will steal her away, to where the thorns and thickets grow.

The bottle cool, like the night.
Clouds hiding the stars, concealing the gods 
So she brings the poison to her lips,
And removes the veil that separates the truth from lies.
She sings a tune that only the moon knows,
He will steal her away, but for now he waits and waits
While he hides.

Crawl on your hands and knees,
You will soon adapt and learn how to survive
Without having to stand straight and upright.
With each step she ages, and memories fade.
Her spine begins to bend just like the branches
Found deep in the forest, where she has decided to stay.
Alone in the night, alone in the day.
She sings a tune that only the moon knows,
And He has already stolen her away.

Her feet are now naked, and filled with the thorns.
A pain so natural, that it becomes comfortable.
He takes her in his arms, and her heart melts into the distance.
The curls have transformed in only a moment,
Wrinkles as deep as the river, and hair as white as the full moon.
She’s clenched in his claws, and caught in his grasp.
Everyday she does his task, with hardly any flaws.

Her song is now whispered, and is faint like the breeze.
But the devil has practiced his fiddle, and is searching
For a new beauty to charm, and deceive.
She sings a tune that only the moon knows,
He has stolen her away, Old Nick is the future she chose.

Thoughts degrading, and dripping away;
A rotting albatross concealing my shoulders,
hiding my neck,
hiding my truths.

There is a whole world that we know not of.
It does not exist in a place one would address as below--
Or above.
But rather across the street, in a home of a neighbor,
As well as the stranger in another city.

Embark on a journey where the destination is of no concern.
I shall leave my pillows behind,
And sail across the storms of time.
Eyes shall burn past a mask--
And yet only see what they choose.

Noises creeping through the night,
dreams that haunt me during hours of light--
Will you recognize my eyes?
They are changing,
I know this because
My river shall never cease to run.
Thoughts that evolve day by day;
A different approach to that which we cannot change.

I am the one with wings.
I did not grow them,
They were simply a gift,
But not for flying purposes.

I'm not exactly sure of where this is going, or if it will go anywhere at all.
Maybe our intellect will go out of service, and there will be nothing left.
That was a memory, and time changes the mind.
You can be shy, while i talk to strangers.
I want you to tell me all of your truths.
Hide what you want, you can keep your secrets
because i'm not exactly sure of where this is going,
or if it just ended when you waved goodbye.
The light in the metro was so bright and unveiling.
you sat next to some girl, and so did i.
I sat in front, and you sat behind.
You can be shy, while i talk to strangers.
Reciting stories and memories, of times when we were impressed.
but words are just words, unless you give them a meaning.
you aren't the same person, that i remember.
You don't have to be shy anymore, just create your own definitions.
I'll write out your dictionary, word after word in a subliminal text. Decoding the font, and my personality you see into what i knew not.
You gave me your number.
She said you got to have at least ten,
just in case one isn't interested.
Your company is lovely, while you think that of the money.
work for a living, and live for those who make you happy.
so i'll be whispering, just to make sure that you are listening.
you don't say a word, i try to stay calm.
I don't want to say, or do anything wrong
because i'm not exactly sure of where this is going,
or if it just ended when I walked away.
The train just kept going, and we all have a routine,
i just ask that you don't forget about me.
what is it that i have to do, to make you smile, just to please you?
don't be the stranger that lives in my dreams,
where under the welcome mat you will find the key.
there will be no secrets left this time to find,
or thoughts that need to untangle and slowly unwind.
so don't forget there is a constant pressure,
it's something we all endured over the years.
don't swallow the ink, or the dish soap.
i left the cleaner under the cabinet,
so now i think it's my fault.
the news blames the people, the people blame the news.
i don't want exposure, but there isn't enough death
that is caused by cancer-- so we just keep smoking along.
The lies all have a purpose, just like the sad clowns
who live with the circus.
paint on the smile, just stay a while,
i won't mind if you don't say anything at all.

Little eyes/Little eyes/Little eyes
How do you see the big big world?
To spy it right side down, and place you wrong side up
was once our favorite game.
I have never feared falling;
it is the unexpected landing that encourages anxiety.
The picture was taken today, and that is all that matters.
Capture the spectrum that stretches between
                          you and I;

Hold inside what it is you believe to be truth.
Do not let it drown in those warm, vain tears.
If what I perceive is truly the past
please let me sway like the pendulum
forward and backward...
     but really side to side.

A window to the soul, I doubt it.
More resembling the circularity of our stories--
of our lives.
Spin on your thoughts, darkness will not allow sleep.
Knocking, to be polite.
Knocking, to allow time to hide secrets.
Enter as you wish, It's too hard to decline
after all that we have endured,
after all this time.

I eat your words, I hear your touch,
I feel only selfishness when you come inside.  
Comfortable, because I stopped caring
and because I embrace my independence.
Little lies/Little lies/Little lies