sometimes we have got to look down, to know where we are going to land.
after having fallen so hard, one might think to never look up;
but alas--
the sun still shines behind the clouds.
we are hardly ever truly alone, and without.
for we may very well continue to cast shadows, even on the darkest of days--
but for every light we can perceive there is a darkness to it's complement.
on the matter of joy and love, one day heart ache will follow;
casting it's own shadow, however long and wide we make it.
for free will is what it is that makes us.
freedom to choose that which is, and that which is not.
science has proven we cannot survive in the dark impurities of that shadow.
our own heart and mind need the illumination that happiness so absentmindedly brings.
yet the distractions we fabricate, seem in our own mind to grow each day.
all because we nurture our own despondency with doubt, and deceit.
so when we feel with utmost frailty, that we cannot look up--
remember that this sensation of ******* shall one day cease to be.

The one great enemy of all of those that perceive, is doubt.
How it floods my watering mind, leaves me crashing amongst the waves of esteem and confidence. When I am least aware, that is when the little viral thoughts return. Infecting all that I am, and all that I am trying to become.
Time so constant that what has happened, has transpired only to lead us to what is happening, and what will happen.
It is what it is. What it is not, it cannot ever be.
My past is what must be embraced in order for me to move forward. Years have passed, bringing me forth to this very moment where I am finally ready and willing to do just that; embrace what I cannot change. A wild memory of a memory,
it was your words that reawakened a purpose, a meaning, a way of life within me.

I will not be a prisoner of doubt if I willingly choose not to do so. The chains I unknowingly placed around my very mind have left scars;
wounds that have become a  commitment to my flesh.
A girl once told me, when I made my self vulnerable to her with my inner workings, that my scars can only tell a story of which I was once in pain, and have now healed. I now understand that the those wounds within, the wounds that were not visible to the eye, cannot heal if they are not avowed.  I was so fearful of looking into that which confines me, acknowledging that I was damaged, that I was only allowing myself to continue a life of pain.
For too long my afflicted heart and mind was rotting and decaying inside. All because I was choosing a path of ignorance.
But here I am awake, and ready to accept that which breaks my heart. Knowing that if i let it break now, the process of healing can begin.

Thy world spins me into confusion, while I lack firm ground.
Commitment and it's absence can be the explanation.
I do not live in a glass house, nor does anyone I know.
I assume that is why so many
choose to throw rocks in every direction.
Waging wars to defeat those who have already been defeated
just to prove something to themselves.
My heart no longer leaps at the sound of the gun,
racing towards a finish line that can only reward anger.
I will no longer pretend to love,
for that would be allowing love to be portrayed
as a role that we play.
I am no actress, why would I choose deceit?
Enabling emotions, embracing instinct?
I am not a child any longer;
I will not play hop scotch and jump to conclusions.
Rationality is what will save me.
A mind flooded with hatred will only lead to a drowning soul.
Your words can only effect me, if that is what I will.
My words can only effect you, if you choose in doing so.
Otherwise they are just words, and this world will continue to spin with or without me.

My bones never got upset when they fractured, when they shattered. They only proceeded to heal.
It is the serenity found after the storm that keeps my faith alive.
Choices all around, and more importantly within.

My bones never got to decide if they wanted to rehabilitate themselves or not.
They only proceeded to heal.
It is the acceptance of all that is, and that which is not
that keeps my faith alive.
Choices all around, and more importantly within.

My mind is not spatially located, but my thoughts prove it’s existence.
I see a smile, I hold back tears;
Frightened when I know the truth can no longer be held captive.
My mind is not spatially located, but my thoughts prove it’s existence.
I choose to smile, I choose to cry.

Truth so often believed that it will set us free,
But I have come to understand that it is the truth that binds us.
Leaving no room to escape,
unless concealed and disguised under lies--
Lies that are known, even when they become a placebo.

“I shall please.”

Now that I have buried the one recurring thought in the earth,
I have learned to survive with mouthfuls of dirt.
Dirt as dry as the bones I will leave,
the bones that did not have a choice.
Dirt as filthy as the mind that chooses the gutter.
Dirt as impure as the deceit I can transform into honesty.
I will not be frightened any longer, For the truth is no longer my prisoner.

my heart,
              it beats.
my eyes,
              they leak.
and i'm lucky to stand
on these two feet.

but this mind of mine
does twist and turn
                            inside.
a sweet and bitter licorice.
a loud yet quiet mechanism.
& my thoughts are not as easily shared--
like how they used to be.

because i prefer that you can't see
what isn't exactly okay with me.
& i'm so good at hiding, because i know how to seek.

so lets do what we have to.
discover what has been over looked.

i have to know what i want before i can get it;
so if you think you must, don't ever regret it.


and she said to me while i was driving
that they break you down,
so they can
build you up.
the way
they want
you built.
without you even knowing.

you have a story.
i have one too.
how else did we get here
and hear?                                                                          i thought that you knew


so open your eyes.
open your mind.
how many times have you been pushed down.
how many times have you got up on your own?

we break our selves with each of our pessimistic characteristics.
while discouragement may come easy, no one can build you back up
but yourself.

my heart,
              it beats.
but now it is stronger.
my eyes,
              they leak
even in front of a stranger.
and i'm lucky to stand
on these two feet.
because with them i can dance.

{After James Tate's 'Consolations After an Affair'"}

My piano breathes with each of its keys:
it aspires to inspire change
in someone's watering mind.
I have paintings that I did not paint
that do more observing than the scientist.
They know nothing of evolution and it's hypothesis.
For them to see and feel
is all they need to express.
I've discovered that I don't need
to prove myself for my own approval.
A jellyfish escapes and dances behind me
as swift as the flame of a fire.
Now I can taste the truth,
a place filled with disgust and desire.

i have long since desired to "be somebody", for i already am.

sometimes confidence escapes me, as if it were carbon dioxide.

positive prompting enforced by words from a friend down the street, or across the country may be what keeps us all going
when the coldness of doubt creates hesitant characteristics.

as i get lost in thoughts, i want to guarantee that i am not alone.

but a guarantee might just be an unfulfilling word in this false advertising world.

an outside perspective is often necessary, even when isolation can give the impression of trumping solidarity.

After all my decisions are the one and only true responsibility

learning to have have faith, and performing my actions with assertive behavior is indeed something i need to work on.

as i look around at what does surround
i have the urge to create a beauty that only lives without.
but what is on the exterior may be inferior, often ostensible;
a courage concealing doubt.
i am my own confidant, even when i am not confident.
but my choices are mine alone, only my thoughts are ones that i condone.
so with these choices i shall exclaim:
i am
but not
the one i shall blame.

Lies hurt more than the truth ever will.
Deceit a sharp blade, leaving only blood to spill.
Trust sought out in a world full of false advertising.
Walls will be built, watch towers constantly analyzing.
And we have only ourselves to blame,
For it is only our own words that we can tame.
The choice is yours not to lie,
For later regret will be your only outcry.
Build trust instead of walls
For lies are the ongoing waterfalls;
They are hard to cease when all your know is deceit.
Be proud in your honesty,
Even when you think it may hurt another, for
Lies hurt more than the truth ever will.

Which is the path you have chosen,  
Which is the path that have paved?
Have your actions been wise and potent,
Or is the issue that your not one willing to be saved?
All questions, often with no definite answer.
Even written stone can become withered and break.
Promises can be as deadly as cancer.
My words are all that i can give,
but not all that you can take.

roll the dice;
gamble your life away
don't think twice
about what you have to say--

i'm am just the voice
that flows through each telephone wire
i must admit, it was my choice
that i made, but it was you
who chose that it was me
that you desire

so i inhale the the nicotine
there is a quixotical wave
that overwhelms my being
the thought that i am not one
that you can save
delights me so


but now the cellular device
is blowing up
but it would be nice
if they would take a sip
from the devils cup
drink it down;
sell your soul
make your dreams shatter
go towards the hellish town
break the pieces--
they were never whole
it doesn't matter
when there is an empty bowl

so i have chosen
to be ignorant
and my heart has become frozen--
i am hell sent
rising from the ashes,
that turn quick to flame
i have endured the lashes
but i am yet to be tame

my words to you may just be a small stone in a world full of mountains.
however these words are all I own--
and sometimes rivers start out with small earthly fountains.

we don't realize the bird's beautiful song is sung for us
telling of a story that is so brutally truthful
that it almost resembles glory
their gratious tune fills the world where there is silence
giving mother earth a song to dance to
as it constantly stays in it's orbit so effortlessly
the sun shines down & all i want to do is absorb all the beauty that surronds me
but my mind continues to drown my heart & soul
with sorrow and an uncurable apathy

i crave knowledge so i learn as much as i can
but not by reading things like the encyclopedia or the dictionary
for true knowledge grows in the trees
and in each blade of grass
too often our man made weapons and machines
**** our only source of intelligance with technology
however, we musn't forget even our feet trample upon the earths diminishing beauty
so with each ray of the powerful sun
i learn the importance of why not to run;

we must face our own fears and problems
before we ourselves can learn to grow
& all i strive to be: is as pure as the snow
so i will jump into the river
when the ice is just begining to melt
because the coldness lets me understand
all the past pain that i have felt
but while i lay in my own garden of eden
a snake slithers to my side
already i know if i try to run, i will not be able to ever hide

for this very serpent has created a home in my heart
without my knowledge of it's doing so
& yet i still cannot repent
leaving my sorrows to continuously grow
i look around to only notice i am laying in a bed of weeds that are unkind
while my enemy plants his evil seeds into my fragile mind
and when i finally realize i am doing his deeds
my eyes can finally see his scales have me in a bind

i see the beauty in his tongue that can only speak of hate
than i suddenly i feel his sharp teeth sink into my soul
that results in my tragic fate
i begin to tell myself i never want to leave my youth
for i don't mind being ignorant, naive, and oblivious
and that simply is the truth

stay in. go out. the choice is mine.
smile smile smile smile
life is too short to be caught up in sorrow
so i push harder each time the world pulls me
i'm not going to give up
when i've got so much

thoughts twist and turn
hurling across my mind
like a hurricane
all the while the peace remains
a war of head versus heart?
no. much more like a war of contradicting values
striving for morality, thinking it will save me

do unto others as you would have them do unto you

sounds good enough for me, wouldn't you agree?
ahhh. but we each have our own opinion on the matter
of how we choose to act towards our loved ones,
even the ones we don't care about
often taking them for granted
blind to just how much beauty we all posses
oblivious to the obvious while it lays right before us

we can keep searching though
we've got the time
even when we think it's running out
just like the paper that was given value
please baby, i just wanted to love you

we make our own enemies
we make our own decisions
no one else can take the blame
only our hearts can feel our shame

so i'll keep dancing in the sunset and
swinging into the stars in the dead of night,
arguing  about life and how it all just becomes a memory


hey, you want to go on an adventure now?


sometimes things don't have a significant meaning;
unless you give it one
so don't run away, run with me
we don't need to feel so alone
i've been waiting for you this whole time...

the water is merky
fortelling a warning sign
of unscrupulous people who will bring me to ruin
but yet he accepts it so kindly
and turns to hold me
it felt so real, his fingers upon my skin
i never wanted him to let go
but this dream was nothing as it seems
for i know that my demise would
only be further progressed if he lingered
however the dream doesn't last
just like these thoughts of commitment
doubt seems to always find its way in
leaking onto my motivation, and perserverance
nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be this hard
so i stop
before i can go on
my voice alone cannot do this on its own
and i seem to weak to stop the trickle of my ambivalence
chasing comets and shooting stars has it's mysteries
but i cannot seem to jump into the galaxy as easily as i'm wishing
wishing on the falling stars, falling into oblivion
until they wither away into nothing
and still my dreams haunt me
i can
is what i whisper on the wind
no one seems to hear for the world is drowning out each of our voices
telling us more and more each day the casualties and pollution advisories
getting lost in thoughts of tomorrow
setting myself up for failure today
it's a strange world
where things are much more than absurd
i can grasp the idea
lets just hope i can hold onto it

it's the night of fireflies
where emotions seem to flicker just like their light

faint is my breathing
and there is a lack of inspiration

guilt runs through my bloodstream
it has once said to be spoiled

and i long to live in a dream

a nasty infection;
words are stolen by the television
and the anger inside my heart seems to be in remission

for now

lets pretend it never happened
for it was far to embarassing to remember
so lets watch movies on why things are the way they are
reading has become a thing of the past
so lets add another chapter
just because

ask me questions, i don't mind
we can do it to **** the time
the time we have created
just to measure the way the world spins
just to feel in control

maybe i can see all the colors
and am searching for something
i've found years ago


actually no, i've lied
i'm not satisfied

so lets help the wounded,
let us help the blind;

tell the stories of magnificant creatues
that fly in the night==
magically they glow
choosing when they want to show the world
what it is they were destined to do

lets own our history
and erase what was here before.

no one seems to see past my fingertips.

flood warnings
aren't as easily avoided
as i'd like for them to be

tick tock; only time can make
things grow
but if you attempt to fiddle
with father time
you will not reap what you sew
one could even consider the
travel of time a mere simplistic
crime

but even our brothers and sisters
often live in the past
just like our mothers and their misters
marriage does not last
just a piece of paper, and
two bands around a finger
and sooner before later a lust
for touch will linger
so gather the material objects to
create a raging fire
becareful of each splinter
that will do everything to conspire
against you like the cold cold winter

I've already begun to feed
the flame with each document
just like the seed that grows
into an argument
the wickedness is in our bloodstream
and we can never repent
so try to wake up from this dream
that holds you hostage
and your speeding down lifes road
on empty, and your low on milage

logic seems to be lost in the disease
i become self absorbed with the lies
that the enemy whispers into my thoughts.

it is all in the mind

lovers will go, and come
but truly, i cannot predict the future
so i shall live with no expectations
and even in doing so
my hopes will shatter

i have told lies
and lies have made me
just like they have made you
maybe it is the lie that we are born into
and sadly, the truth is hidden

addicted to the thought of death
and the pure imagination
that my very being will have no impact
on this wide wild world before me
but i now realize
that everything happens for a reason
even my past pain, the suffering, and especially...
all the treason

so i shall no longer pray for a cure
i will embrace my scars
slowly, but surly
i will do what i was meant to

i have no magic carpet to take me on this journey
nor do i have a hand to hold, and comfort mine
but i have faith, and hope
that there will be a better tomorrow
even if the forecast tells of gray dismal skies

the past has brought us here to the present
and here we patiently anticipate what will happen next
what might go wrong, or right
all depending on our actions
and still we ask ourselves why
"Why."

and i am here, not to give you the answer
but to inform you
that you must create your own
for each question that you ask
we must seek what we are looking for
and i may be blind to the truth
but i am working on that,
i am no disgrace

"you don't have AIDs do you?"
i smile and laugh while i reply no.

but there is a dark secret inside my soul;

i fear that it is written across my heart for the world to see.

i worry i shall be alone until my last breath.



friends shall come and go,

just like the clouds.

i wouldn't mind if one decided to stick around...

but i shall not hope for things that are unlikely.

thats how hearts break ya know.



as i smoked a cigarette this morning,

i noticed a dying plant.

as i gazed at it's withering leaves--

that are slowly turning yellow

i marveled at how it is quite obvious too see it's demise.

i than began to question my own death.

i am surely killing myself slowly with the narcotics,

the cigarettes, and the apathetic thoughts.

but am i showing any signs of dying?

i then realized that just like that plant,

we must be fed the proper nutrients.

we must receive the proper love and care.

all in order to grow, to live, and to survive.

but what are these proper necessities that humans require?

how do i receive the love my heart desires?

so i finished that cigarette, and as i stood up to go back inside,

i lost my balance.

the crutches flew from underneath my hands.

and i fell.

i fell with what seemed like elegance, and with great impact.

it felt like an eternity of falling--

maybe i was going down a rabbit hole of the mind.

but sooner before later my body slammed against the earth.

no longer was i weightless in midair.

tears quickly began to leak from my eyes.

i laid on the ground, so helpless; weeping.

not too long after, i sat up.

my tears had ceased,

and i thought to myself,

'why do i cry, am i waiting for someone to rescue me?'

i know that no one is around,

and yet i hope for someone to offer their hand.

however, in life, one must learn to stand on their own.

i shall fall again.

i don't know when, or where--

but i will fall.

and i am okay with that.



the day goes on...

i think,

and i think.

i do not find the answers i'm looking for,

but i do find other answers.

i come to conclusions.

i discover lies, that i believed to be truths.

i recover from past pain.

i dwelled in long forgotten memories.

i realize that love is whatever we want it to be...

and most importantly i realize i do not love ***.

i just love the idea of someone making love with me.

the idea of someone loving me.

the idea of someone wanting me,

and most importantly not just wanting my body.

after all i truly do desire to be wanted:

for my intellect, for my opinions,

for who i am.

for being kirsten.

i will admit my skin does crave attention,

and maybe in all the wrong places.

but oh how i would enjoy the touch of someones hand,

upon my own.



during the day i was also told by a dear friend

that it does not matter if you are rich, nor poor

or what the circumstances you are living under;

you can be out on the street, living in a box,

but as long as you still have your family,

the family that love and care for you--

that is all that matters.

i do believe it was the most beautiful thing he has ever told me.



and slowly, but surly i begin to forgive myself

for all the pain i have brought into my family's hearts.

trials and tribulations have been endured by us all,

and there will be more to come.

however, i do now understand, that i can rely on my family

for their love and support, no matter the circumstances.

so the roses my father has given to my mother will die.

she may not have said thank you when she received them,

but it is the thought that counts...

isn't it?



please, please don't forget about me

i silently whisper.

fear of friends disappearing truly worries me.

i attempt to keep them in my life,

a part of me wishes they would never leave.

but seasons change, just like our beliefs.

the clouds will continue to pass in the sky,

only for that sky to be filled with new clouds,

new beginnings, new journeys, new beliefs.

we outgrow friends, just like when we were younger,

and we would outgrow our shoes.

so maybe it is best that i've been so lonely lately.

all so i can reevaluate my life, my choices, and who i surround myself with.



i now wonder if i'll change.

it is all that is left for me to do...

i can see my faults clearly,

and guilt often overwhelms me.

when will i stop using? will i ever?

am i able to quit smoking cigarettes?

i must be capable of finding friends that treat me with respect...

right?

i can love my family a little more each day.

but more importantly i shall learn to love myself a little more each day.

for how am i supposed to learn to love others,

if i cannot even love myself?

i do find that i am my own worst enemy.

but things can change.

and things will change.

the choices are all my own.

i just have to want it badly enough to do something about it.

lets hope i can practice what i preach

before it is too late.

a jezebel in past memories
or was it the men who took over--

after all it was there tendencies



a town like hell in past memoires

or was it the house of god--

after all that is what it transalates;

or is it just a fraud?



change comes.

change goes.

so add your sums,

find the pimps and hoes.

it's reality i love.

the sound of the siren.

but in this economy were getting fired--

when the jobs should be a hirin'

but i don't mind the flame

this mind of mine is one you cannot tame

take the torch, to burn the web--

he would rather see that black widow dead.

but i enjoy life, even the poison.

lay down in that bed,

ask for a little bit of arson

to go with that martini--

choices are in the end an action

with a consequence

can you see the beauty?

a cage, a prison, a fence

or is it just a fraction

of the picture;

maybe it is just a mirror

and the thing you see deep within

is just the sight of fear

and we learn to look away

because hard truth doesn't seem quite okay

we lie to you, to ourselves to ease the pain

each and every day.

****, I'M LOSING MY MIND

as the clock ticks it's time.

is it in, or just sane?

the answer is one we must create--

not find.

but we still keep ah searchin.

lookin for that love.

lookin high and low,

under and above.

we wait, we go.

we hate our libido.

cause baby you just want to **** fast, then slow

then walk out that do'

never ask for any mo'

i guess it's just my mother ******* ego.

so eat the pineapple raw.

get caught in satans claw.

break the pieces to the jigsaw.

cause i care, and i don't.

i contradict my each and every thought.

but these wars seem to have already been faught.

and all i seem to have got

are these bombs

and many a gun

we'll use them in your front lawns

teach your children it is fun!

so cut off the leg and an arm

it's in the tradition of a religion

when a girl misbehaves.

but my father told me

thats what he would do if he followed those customs too.

and words no longer penetrate my heart, nor soul.

i just let them go.

you can't hurt me

just try to insert thee.

see the pain you will be in.

all because of fornication--

it can be as brutal as the storm of an ocean,

but maybe as sweet as a potion.

and i'm not lookin to find a person

to listen to my every word an...

****

cause right now thats how i think of it.

i slept alone before i met you,

and i will sleep alone post-abuse.

this is why i choose to refuse;

to live in hell.

to be the jezebel.

to kiss, and tell.

instead i shall choose

not to be defeated and lose

but to keep my soul, to choose not to sell.

just look to the future, and excel.

government officials threaten to take away everything.
pay your taxes they viciously repeat.
uncle sam's pants have become torn and withered;
our money slipping and diminishing right before our countries eyes.
families soon have no home.
will we suffer from the same fact,
is there even an existing loan that can save us,
because the bills have made us broke-- flat.
too bad it was that car i crashed.
wake up calls seem to be a part of life,
and quite necessary.
so a mother of a friend asks me,
'Did you learn your lesson?, Because the universe will continue to hit you if you haven't'

The doctors say the pain will come and go,
my father reminds me, that i will reap what i sew.
a friend states, how did you not know?
i suppose i should be my own hero.
not relying on addictions that seem to be a window
to a place of pain and sweet sweet sorrow.
how did i not know?
was it the blind actions that made realization slow?
how did i not know?
i should have learned from past mistakes-- made a **** simple memo
how the **** did i not know?
so i close my eyes, let the anger subside-
i must let the peace grow.
change my thoughts, and the choices on my minds chateau.
before i decide to do something that may in the end lose my life;
leave me between hell and heaven-- in limbo.
how did i not know?

a change of personality
accepting the worlds gravity.
yeahhh.
i don't mind if it ***** me down,
it doesn't have to produce a frown
upon this face of mine.
a quick smile tells you i must be kind.
and truly, truly i have no intentions for me to not be.
i do believe one must treat others the way they want to be treated.
that way hate and rage will maybe be defeated.
so let the reservoir unleash the power;
why reserve the knowledge?
do you think ignorance is bliss?
do you seem to ask yourself
why me, why this?
ha. silly little rabbit, tricks are for kids.
so don't blame the world because it just exists.
it's foolish to ask silly questions like those.
i mean, honestly, can you see past your nose?
do you ever stop to 'smell the rose'
or maybe it seems to have another name.
one that dictionaries can't even tame.
and still we will point the fingers
since it's ourselves we don't want to blame
how did i not know?

dare i say,
that it was love in that syringe?

your skin shows the signs of dirt.
***** from the streets, and just surviving.
i let you hold my hand.
i knew that you were leaving.
i let you bite my neck.
i knew you of your hardships.
i let you kiss my lips.
i knew i might not ever see you again.

my hands are now ***** as well.
but it was you who accepted all my flaws first;
did you put me under a spell?
although before all you had seen was beauty, and perfection
maybe you were even deceived by how thankful i was to be alive.
so i chose not to partake in deception.
the truth escaped me.
i no longer hid behind these eyes,
even though i did often have to close them.
the tears escaped me.
you told me not to cry.
you told me it was going to be okay.
you told me of your flaws.
and still i wept.
this shameful pity i carry,
i finally see now how useless it is.
but in that moment,
in that hotel room i loved you.
and i wanted you,
i wanted you to be happy.
i wanted you to be loved.


you whispered into my ear, i'll try to keep in touch.
the goodbye was quick, and sadly rushed.
i love you.
it all happened so fast.
i don't even know if it was real.
the tears i now feel, truthfully remind me it was.
i wasn't dreaming.
you embraced me.
and traced your name into my soul.
your gone now.
and i hope you are okay.
wherever you are, or wherever you may go.

i feel so tired
there seems to be a lack of oxygen
have the demons all conspired
to make me their kin?
is it their whispers that sway my opinion?

i fight back the tears that my heart wants to release
i fight a battle of the mind, and all i want is peace
but it sickens me to think that i have this disease
so the medication seems to be working,
but the dosage is what they might have to increase

you don't know.
but thats quite alright.
it is mutual, and i don't think of you as my foe
please, i don't want to fight
i have the scars all over my body
that tell of past pain
and deep inside i know that i'm a druggie
use and abuse, just like any other ******

my heart feels as if it's sinking into an ocean
but inside i feel i have an inkling notion
that i have to fight this war
i have to survive through the bombs, and than even more
the swords pierce my flesh
i quickly wish that i was dead
but all of this, it's all just in my head

i keep going.
the words are continuously flowing.
and here i am, not even knowing--
what i am supposed to do next
when i feel as if i'm so terribly vexed
but to keep on keepin on is what is best
i don't even mind if i fail the test
we'll just have to find out whats left of the rest...

and i don't write these words for you to read
i write them because i feel the need
to let it out
before i turn into one of those demons;
to begin to scream and shout
for i do not want to hurt you
the way that i have been hurt
but even the most beautiful of flowers need the dirt

so i push my way up through the soil
all of the worlds gravity feels as if it's weighing me down
i am soon facing the hatred and turmoil
but i try not to frown
and i feel as if the smile is faux--
like the ones on a clown
painted up to decieve thee
all to make you think i am happy
and i am.
i am.

i am only human.
i am, and was born into sin.
i am no where near perfect.
i am an addict.
i am kirsten.
i am an enemy, but i want to be a friend.
i am bipolar.
i am living on the border.
i am faced with trials and tribulations.
i am prescribed numerous medications.
i am happy.
i am sad.
i am the words you are reading.
i am the smile thats so easily decieving.
i am the epitome of me;
does that have a meaning?

now the tug of war seems to be misleading
i am swaying from side to side
while others see my pain, i see them grieving.
but my emotions are what i try to hide.
i don't want to have to see them leaving;
i feel so alone inside.

i have a pain only i can feel,
and no, i do not want you to understand.
and no, i do not want you to walk in my shoes.
but won't you please take my hand?
help me forget all the past abuse...

a melody with all the wrong chords
and only i can hear it's perfection.
to others it may just be a sound,
but i exist to be in the choice of my direction.

so when i build the sand castle of my dreams
i expect the waves to crash--
the whole to unravel at its seams.
is this all in vain, or the lack there of?
surely the results i am producing must have a meaning
even if everything doesn't happen for a reason.

learning as i go, walking a path i would have never expected.
these walls have been here all along,
as have i, unable to determine their purpose
but clearly able to see
they have been built quite strong.
enduring the days that turned into memories
that when collected
                                   collect me as well.


yet the tide of the ocean does not destroy,
let alone help me to forget--
gravity;
like a disease i cannot cure
an emotion that can no longer be hidden

which then buries itself deep into the epitome of who i am,
what i have, and what will be given.
and the darkness, i have learned
is only the absence of light.

now using the best of my logic to reason what may happen,
and unfortunately what may not;
                      defining it as fate.

still i hear this melody so filled with a beauty
that only i may be able to discover.
that only i must create.

maybe I think too much, and maybe I don't think enough.
doubt can be found anywhere, anything can be bound to tear.  

the way we were raised can only effect us in our graves
if that is what we choose,
while some can argue we have everything to gain,
and far too much to lose.

now I see that words are more powerful than I can understand;
used to destroy, or to give a helping hand.

is it pleasure that you are seeking out?
is life's endeavor what it's all about?


the mind is far more malleable
when we understand that we are capable.

sometimes my private life has got to stay private
i don't need your negative input,
so i'll just keep quiet.

words used, and abused,
do you even mean them?

count your blessings.
but not what could be, or should be
'cause what we have is what we need,
and what we want isn't always necessary.