stay in. go out. the choice is mine.
smile smile smile smile
life is too short to be caught up in sorrow
so i push harder each time the world pulls me
i'm not going to give up
when i've got so much

thoughts twist and turn
hurling across my mind
like a hurricane
all the while the peace remains
a war of head versus heart?
no. much more like a war of contradicting values
striving for morality, thinking it will save me

do unto others as you would have them do unto you

sounds good enough for me, wouldn't you agree?
ahhh. but we each have our own opinion on the matter
of how we choose to act towards our loved ones,
even the ones we don't care about
often taking them for granted
blind to just how much beauty we all posses
oblivious to the obvious while it lays right before us

we can keep searching though
we've got the time
even when we think it's running out
just like the paper that was given value
please baby, i just wanted to love you

we make our own enemies
we make our own decisions
no one else can take the blame
only our hearts can feel our shame

so i'll keep dancing in the sunset and
swinging into the stars in the dead of night,
arguing  about life and how it all just becomes a memory


hey, you want to go on an adventure now?


sometimes things don't have a significant meaning;
unless you give it one
so don't run away, run with me
we don't need to feel so alone
i've been waiting for you this whole time...

the water is merky
fortelling a warning sign
of unscrupulous people who will bring me to ruin
but yet he accepts it so kindly
and turns to hold me
it felt so real, his fingers upon my skin
i never wanted him to let go
but this dream was nothing as it seems
for i know that my demise would
only be further progressed if he lingered
however the dream doesn't last
just like these thoughts of commitment
doubt seems to always find its way in
leaking onto my motivation, and perserverance
nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be this hard
so i stop
before i can go on
my voice alone cannot do this on its own
and i seem to weak to stop the trickle of my ambivalence
chasing comets and shooting stars has it's mysteries
but i cannot seem to jump into the galaxy as easily as i'm wishing
wishing on the falling stars, falling into oblivion
until they wither away into nothing
and still my dreams haunt me
i can
is what i whisper on the wind
no one seems to hear for the world is drowning out each of our voices
telling us more and more each day the casualties and pollution advisories
getting lost in thoughts of tomorrow
setting myself up for failure today
it's a strange world
where things are much more than absurd
i can grasp the idea
lets just hope i can hold onto it

it's the night of fireflies
where emotions seem to flicker just like their light

faint is my breathing
and there is a lack of inspiration

guilt runs through my bloodstream
it has once said to be spoiled

and i long to live in a dream

a nasty infection;
words are stolen by the television
and the anger inside my heart seems to be in remission

for now

lets pretend it never happened
for it was far to embarassing to remember
so lets watch movies on why things are the way they are
reading has become a thing of the past
so lets add another chapter
just because

ask me questions, i don't mind
we can do it to **** the time
the time we have created
just to measure the way the world spins
just to feel in control

maybe i can see all the colors
and am searching for something
i've found years ago


actually no, i've lied
i'm not satisfied

so lets help the wounded,
let us help the blind;

tell the stories of magnificant creatues
that fly in the night==
magically they glow
choosing when they want to show the world
what it is they were destined to do

lets own our history
and erase what was here before.

no one seems to see past my fingertips.

flood warnings
aren't as easily avoided
as i'd like for them to be

tick tock; only time can make
things grow
but if you attempt to fiddle
with father time
you will not reap what you sew
one could even consider the
travel of time a mere simplistic
crime

but even our brothers and sisters
often live in the past
just like our mothers and their misters
marriage does not last
just a piece of paper, and
two bands around a finger
and sooner before later a lust
for touch will linger
so gather the material objects to
create a raging fire
becareful of each splinter
that will do everything to conspire
against you like the cold cold winter

I've already begun to feed
the flame with each document
just like the seed that grows
into an argument
the wickedness is in our bloodstream
and we can never repent
so try to wake up from this dream
that holds you hostage
and your speeding down lifes road
on empty, and your low on milage

logic seems to be lost in the disease
i become self absorbed with the lies
that the enemy whispers into my thoughts.

it is all in the mind

lovers will go, and come
but truly, i cannot predict the future
so i shall live with no expectations
and even in doing so
my hopes will shatter

i have told lies
and lies have made me
just like they have made you
maybe it is the lie that we are born into
and sadly, the truth is hidden

addicted to the thought of death
and the pure imagination
that my very being will have no impact
on this wide wild world before me
but i now realize
that everything happens for a reason
even my past pain, the suffering, and especially...
all the treason

so i shall no longer pray for a cure
i will embrace my scars
slowly, but surly
i will do what i was meant to

i have no magic carpet to take me on this journey
nor do i have a hand to hold, and comfort mine
but i have faith, and hope
that there will be a better tomorrow
even if the forecast tells of gray dismal skies

the past has brought us here to the present
and here we patiently anticipate what will happen next
what might go wrong, or right
all depending on our actions
and still we ask ourselves why
"Why."

and i am here, not to give you the answer
but to inform you
that you must create your own
for each question that you ask
we must seek what we are looking for
and i may be blind to the truth
but i am working on that,
i am no disgrace

"you don't have AIDs do you?"
i smile and laugh while i reply no.

but there is a dark secret inside my soul;

i fear that it is written across my heart for the world to see.

i worry i shall be alone until my last breath.



friends shall come and go,

just like the clouds.

i wouldn't mind if one decided to stick around...

but i shall not hope for things that are unlikely.

thats how hearts break ya know.



as i smoked a cigarette this morning,

i noticed a dying plant.

as i gazed at it's withering leaves--

that are slowly turning yellow

i marveled at how it is quite obvious too see it's demise.

i than began to question my own death.

i am surely killing myself slowly with the narcotics,

the cigarettes, and the apathetic thoughts.

but am i showing any signs of dying?

i then realized that just like that plant,

we must be fed the proper nutrients.

we must receive the proper love and care.

all in order to grow, to live, and to survive.

but what are these proper necessities that humans require?

how do i receive the love my heart desires?

so i finished that cigarette, and as i stood up to go back inside,

i lost my balance.

the crutches flew from underneath my hands.

and i fell.

i fell with what seemed like elegance, and with great impact.

it felt like an eternity of falling--

maybe i was going down a rabbit hole of the mind.

but sooner before later my body slammed against the earth.

no longer was i weightless in midair.

tears quickly began to leak from my eyes.

i laid on the ground, so helpless; weeping.

not too long after, i sat up.

my tears had ceased,

and i thought to myself,

'why do i cry, am i waiting for someone to rescue me?'

i know that no one is around,

and yet i hope for someone to offer their hand.

however, in life, one must learn to stand on their own.

i shall fall again.

i don't know when, or where--

but i will fall.

and i am okay with that.



the day goes on...

i think,

and i think.

i do not find the answers i'm looking for,

but i do find other answers.

i come to conclusions.

i discover lies, that i believed to be truths.

i recover from past pain.

i dwelled in long forgotten memories.

i realize that love is whatever we want it to be...

and most importantly i realize i do not love ***.

i just love the idea of someone making love with me.

the idea of someone loving me.

the idea of someone wanting me,

and most importantly not just wanting my body.

after all i truly do desire to be wanted:

for my intellect, for my opinions,

for who i am.

for being kirsten.

i will admit my skin does crave attention,

and maybe in all the wrong places.

but oh how i would enjoy the touch of someones hand,

upon my own.



during the day i was also told by a dear friend

that it does not matter if you are rich, nor poor

or what the circumstances you are living under;

you can be out on the street, living in a box,

but as long as you still have your family,

the family that love and care for you--

that is all that matters.

i do believe it was the most beautiful thing he has ever told me.



and slowly, but surly i begin to forgive myself

for all the pain i have brought into my family's hearts.

trials and tribulations have been endured by us all,

and there will be more to come.

however, i do now understand, that i can rely on my family

for their love and support, no matter the circumstances.

so the roses my father has given to my mother will die.

she may not have said thank you when she received them,

but it is the thought that counts...

isn't it?



please, please don't forget about me

i silently whisper.

fear of friends disappearing truly worries me.

i attempt to keep them in my life,

a part of me wishes they would never leave.

but seasons change, just like our beliefs.

the clouds will continue to pass in the sky,

only for that sky to be filled with new clouds,

new beginnings, new journeys, new beliefs.

we outgrow friends, just like when we were younger,

and we would outgrow our shoes.

so maybe it is best that i've been so lonely lately.

all so i can reevaluate my life, my choices, and who i surround myself with.



i now wonder if i'll change.

it is all that is left for me to do...

i can see my faults clearly,

and guilt often overwhelms me.

when will i stop using? will i ever?

am i able to quit smoking cigarettes?

i must be capable of finding friends that treat me with respect...

right?

i can love my family a little more each day.

but more importantly i shall learn to love myself a little more each day.

for how am i supposed to learn to love others,

if i cannot even love myself?

i do find that i am my own worst enemy.

but things can change.

and things will change.

the choices are all my own.

i just have to want it badly enough to do something about it.

lets hope i can practice what i preach

before it is too late.

a jezebel in past memories
or was it the men who took over--

after all it was there tendencies



a town like hell in past memoires

or was it the house of god--

after all that is what it transalates;

or is it just a fraud?



change comes.

change goes.

so add your sums,

find the pimps and hoes.

it's reality i love.

the sound of the siren.

but in this economy were getting fired--

when the jobs should be a hirin'

but i don't mind the flame

this mind of mine is one you cannot tame

take the torch, to burn the web--

he would rather see that black widow dead.

but i enjoy life, even the poison.

lay down in that bed,

ask for a little bit of arson

to go with that martini--

choices are in the end an action

with a consequence

can you see the beauty?

a cage, a prison, a fence

or is it just a fraction

of the picture;

maybe it is just a mirror

and the thing you see deep within

is just the sight of fear

and we learn to look away

because hard truth doesn't seem quite okay

we lie to you, to ourselves to ease the pain

each and every day.

****, I'M LOSING MY MIND

as the clock ticks it's time.

is it in, or just sane?

the answer is one we must create--

not find.

but we still keep ah searchin.

lookin for that love.

lookin high and low,

under and above.

we wait, we go.

we hate our libido.

cause baby you just want to **** fast, then slow

then walk out that do'

never ask for any mo'

i guess it's just my mother ******* ego.

so eat the pineapple raw.

get caught in satans claw.

break the pieces to the jigsaw.

cause i care, and i don't.

i contradict my each and every thought.

but these wars seem to have already been faught.

and all i seem to have got

are these bombs

and many a gun

we'll use them in your front lawns

teach your children it is fun!

so cut off the leg and an arm

it's in the tradition of a religion

when a girl misbehaves.

but my father told me

thats what he would do if he followed those customs too.

and words no longer penetrate my heart, nor soul.

i just let them go.

you can't hurt me

just try to insert thee.

see the pain you will be in.

all because of fornication--

it can be as brutal as the storm of an ocean,

but maybe as sweet as a potion.

and i'm not lookin to find a person

to listen to my every word an...

****

cause right now thats how i think of it.

i slept alone before i met you,

and i will sleep alone post-abuse.

this is why i choose to refuse;

to live in hell.

to be the jezebel.

to kiss, and tell.

instead i shall choose

not to be defeated and lose

but to keep my soul, to choose not to sell.

just look to the future, and excel.