government officials threaten to take away everything.
pay your taxes they viciously repeat.
uncle sam's pants have become torn and withered;
our money slipping and diminishing right before our countries eyes.
families soon have no home.
will we suffer from the same fact,
is there even an existing loan that can save us,
because the bills have made us broke-- flat.
too bad it was that car i crashed.
wake up calls seem to be a part of life,
and quite necessary.
so a mother of a friend asks me,
'Did you learn your lesson?, Because the universe will continue to hit you if you haven't'

The doctors say the pain will come and go,
my father reminds me, that i will reap what i sew.
a friend states, how did you not know?
i suppose i should be my own hero.
not relying on addictions that seem to be a window
to a place of pain and sweet sweet sorrow.
how did i not know?
was it the blind actions that made realization slow?
how did i not know?
i should have learned from past mistakes-- made a **** simple memo
how the **** did i not know?
so i close my eyes, let the anger subside-
i must let the peace grow.
change my thoughts, and the choices on my minds chateau.
before i decide to do something that may in the end lose my life;
leave me between hell and heaven-- in limbo.
how did i not know?

a change of personality
accepting the worlds gravity.
yeahhh.
i don't mind if it ***** me down,
it doesn't have to produce a frown
upon this face of mine.
a quick smile tells you i must be kind.
and truly, truly i have no intentions for me to not be.
i do believe one must treat others the way they want to be treated.
that way hate and rage will maybe be defeated.
so let the reservoir unleash the power;
why reserve the knowledge?
do you think ignorance is bliss?
do you seem to ask yourself
why me, why this?
ha. silly little rabbit, tricks are for kids.
so don't blame the world because it just exists.
it's foolish to ask silly questions like those.
i mean, honestly, can you see past your nose?
do you ever stop to 'smell the rose'
or maybe it seems to have another name.
one that dictionaries can't even tame.
and still we will point the fingers
since it's ourselves we don't want to blame
how did i not know?

dare i say,
that it was love in that syringe?

your skin shows the signs of dirt.
***** from the streets, and just surviving.
i let you hold my hand.
i knew that you were leaving.
i let you bite my neck.
i knew you of your hardships.
i let you kiss my lips.
i knew i might not ever see you again.

my hands are now ***** as well.
but it was you who accepted all my flaws first;
did you put me under a spell?
although before all you had seen was beauty, and perfection
maybe you were even deceived by how thankful i was to be alive.
so i chose not to partake in deception.
the truth escaped me.
i no longer hid behind these eyes,
even though i did often have to close them.
the tears escaped me.
you told me not to cry.
you told me it was going to be okay.
you told me of your flaws.
and still i wept.
this shameful pity i carry,
i finally see now how useless it is.
but in that moment,
in that hotel room i loved you.
and i wanted you,
i wanted you to be happy.
i wanted you to be loved.


you whispered into my ear, i'll try to keep in touch.
the goodbye was quick, and sadly rushed.
i love you.
it all happened so fast.
i don't even know if it was real.
the tears i now feel, truthfully remind me it was.
i wasn't dreaming.
you embraced me.
and traced your name into my soul.
your gone now.
and i hope you are okay.
wherever you are, or wherever you may go.

i feel so tired
there seems to be a lack of oxygen
have the demons all conspired
to make me their kin?
is it their whispers that sway my opinion?

i fight back the tears that my heart wants to release
i fight a battle of the mind, and all i want is peace
but it sickens me to think that i have this disease
so the medication seems to be working,
but the dosage is what they might have to increase

you don't know.
but thats quite alright.
it is mutual, and i don't think of you as my foe
please, i don't want to fight
i have the scars all over my body
that tell of past pain
and deep inside i know that i'm a druggie
use and abuse, just like any other ******

my heart feels as if it's sinking into an ocean
but inside i feel i have an inkling notion
that i have to fight this war
i have to survive through the bombs, and than even more
the swords pierce my flesh
i quickly wish that i was dead
but all of this, it's all just in my head

i keep going.
the words are continuously flowing.
and here i am, not even knowing--
what i am supposed to do next
when i feel as if i'm so terribly vexed
but to keep on keepin on is what is best
i don't even mind if i fail the test
we'll just have to find out whats left of the rest...

and i don't write these words for you to read
i write them because i feel the need
to let it out
before i turn into one of those demons;
to begin to scream and shout
for i do not want to hurt you
the way that i have been hurt
but even the most beautiful of flowers need the dirt

so i push my way up through the soil
all of the worlds gravity feels as if it's weighing me down
i am soon facing the hatred and turmoil
but i try not to frown
and i feel as if the smile is faux--
like the ones on a clown
painted up to decieve thee
all to make you think i am happy
and i am.
i am.

i am only human.
i am, and was born into sin.
i am no where near perfect.
i am an addict.
i am kirsten.
i am an enemy, but i want to be a friend.
i am bipolar.
i am living on the border.
i am faced with trials and tribulations.
i am prescribed numerous medications.
i am happy.
i am sad.
i am the words you are reading.
i am the smile thats so easily decieving.
i am the epitome of me;
does that have a meaning?

now the tug of war seems to be misleading
i am swaying from side to side
while others see my pain, i see them grieving.
but my emotions are what i try to hide.
i don't want to have to see them leaving;
i feel so alone inside.

i have a pain only i can feel,
and no, i do not want you to understand.
and no, i do not want you to walk in my shoes.
but won't you please take my hand?
help me forget all the past abuse...

a melody with all the wrong chords
and only i can hear it's perfection.
to others it may just be a sound,
but i exist to be in the choice of my direction.

so when i build the sand castle of my dreams
i expect the waves to crash--
the whole to unravel at its seams.
is this all in vain, or the lack there of?
surely the results i am producing must have a meaning
even if everything doesn't happen for a reason.

learning as i go, walking a path i would have never expected.
these walls have been here all along,
as have i, unable to determine their purpose
but clearly able to see
they have been built quite strong.
enduring the days that turned into memories
that when collected
                                   collect me as well.


yet the tide of the ocean does not destroy,
let alone help me to forget--
gravity;
like a disease i cannot cure
an emotion that can no longer be hidden

which then buries itself deep into the epitome of who i am,
what i have, and what will be given.
and the darkness, i have learned
is only the absence of light.

now using the best of my logic to reason what may happen,
and unfortunately what may not;
                      defining it as fate.

still i hear this melody so filled with a beauty
that only i may be able to discover.
that only i must create.

maybe I think too much, and maybe I don't think enough.
doubt can be found anywhere, anything can be bound to tear.  

the way we were raised can only effect us in our graves
if that is what we choose,
while some can argue we have everything to gain,
and far too much to lose.

now I see that words are more powerful than I can understand;
used to destroy, or to give a helping hand.

is it pleasure that you are seeking out?
is life's endeavor what it's all about?


the mind is far more malleable
when we understand that we are capable.

sometimes my private life has got to stay private
i don't need your negative input,
so i'll just keep quiet.

words used, and abused,
do you even mean them?

count your blessings.
but not what could be, or should be
'cause what we have is what we need,
and what we want isn't always necessary.