I  often spend my nights unable to sleep
And in them I think of all those people
who have someone to lie beside them
And sometimes I wish I had someone
Whose love could tame the voices inside
Just enough so I could finally get some sleep
And for years I've called this loneliness
But I've heard it said somewhere along the way
That you can only miss something you've had

So, in that case I guess I'm just jealous

Beside my window
There is a Japanese maple tree
And it is much taller
Than most of its kind
It survived the fire
That burnt down the original
House it stood next to
I want to be like it someday
I want to be able to withstand
Whatever life throws at me
And become more than I could ever dream

I find the idea of soulmates
irritating
The idea that there is one person out there
Floating around in the universe
That you somehow out of 7 billion people
Coincidentally meet and they complete you
Complete you
As if you weren't a whole person before
And suddenly nothing else matters because
They are the One who knows you best
And you couldn't possibly love anyone else
Than this one person in your entire life
What utter crap

*Why is our society so obsessed with falling in love
but not actually being in love?

For many of us, being asleep
Is not terribly different than being awake
We interact with our hopes, fears, and wishes
And often see those around us

Most of our time passes unnoticed
Not many things take us by surprise
Enough to take note of it for later
The only differences are action and actuality

I think that too often we become complacent
We want change and wait for it to come to us
We expect others to welcome us in yet we don't go out to meet them where they are
We crave intimacy but are too afraid to bare all of the hidden, rotten places
We want healing but we're the ones who let the hate fester
We want love but we're afraid of getting attached
We want to try something new but only if you do it first

Yes I am now free to become
That beautiful, vibrant person
With wide branches and a sturdy foundation
I can express myself
With gorgeous petals and soak in the sun
But often in creating deeper roots
I hit a rock
And suddenly I am back in that tiny planter
Crowded out and unable to find anywhere
To spread my leaves or the smallest patch
Of sunlight
And I have to remember that I am now
In a place that has no walls
I'm outside
And my roots are strong enough
That over time
They can break through rock
That I don't always have to
Tiptoe my way around those
That hold me back
That I can just
Be

I hate roses
I hate the idea that  love
Has been boiled down to
Being velvety and soft and seductive
Just beauty and pain
Something you can find in a grocery store
Half-wilted next to several of the same
Or in a garden, bred and cultivated
To look pretty in a designated area
Cut back when grown too big or wild
I hate that roses embody culture's idea of femininity

I’ve learned that you always have to make a mess to create something beautiful
Like the way all if the dirt doesn’t quite fit back into the hole you dug to plant the flower bulb in
Or how hours after you’ve finished painting you’re still finding blue under your fingernails and white by your elbow
And sometimes the mess isn’t so fun to make
Often you face a mess you don’t know how to clean
Some messes take years, decades even, to wash off, to wipe up, straighten
Change, uprooting may feel bad, wrong
It’s scary and painful and it seems like hell at times
But never doubt it’s purpose, it’s season, the way it grows and betters you
It makes you beautiful

I revel in the small things
In moments set apart by fire and gazing at stars.
In quiet friendships and sharing hearts.
In laughing for no reason and winding country roads
Windows down and music loud.
In wondering and learning and teaching and growing.
Because its all of the small things that make up a life well lived.

You are strong, dearest love
And you say you are better
That those wounds do not hurt
Any more
But I hear the way your voice quakes
When you say the word home

And you are brave, soul of my soul
When you bare your heart before men,
Those who have silenced it all these long
Years
Because your wild, beautiful thoughts
Tear you within until set free, voiced

And I cry, too, beloved heart
When you say that you love them
Those that caged and beat you
Nonetheless
Because through blood and fire
Family is still family

"I don't know the first thing about love"
I've never known love that wasn't obligated
An " I love you" didn't cut my throat on its way out
That didn't either send me spiraling into panic
Or fleeing a million miles away from my own body
Nothing but love that trapped and silenced and burned
A love with wicked teeth and acid dripping from it's tongue
That seared me to the core and decided even that was worthless
"But they're family, you gotta love 'em, right?"

Now you stand before me
Saying you want nothing in exchange for your love
Just to be here, together,
But I can't
Can't stay until those arms become a cage
Can't wait for those hands to grab me when I run
Can't let the honey dripping from your lips sour and burn
Can't stand here smiling while I wait for the shoe to drop
Can't wait for that 'nothing' to become 'something' to become 'everything' and I just become a 'thing'
To you

And maybe that's not what love is to you
Maybe your love doesn't come with puppet strings or gleaming teeth that slice
Maybe the mere thought of this definition of love
Sends you reeling with anger and pity and revulsion at the injustice of it all
Maybe it scares you
Maybe it makes you rethink everything you've ever known
About this wild, loud, joyous being you're staring down
And maybe like I thought I'm both too much and not enough, broken and melted and rebuilt in a way
That I don't know the first thing about love

I once thought of myself as a terrible
Oily, sharp-clawed beast who could do no
Right
A black- scaled dragon with a heart darker still
My father, the king, often told me I was
The queen shuddered in my presence
And so the scales grew and the fire built in my belly
But I rarely let it out
Or else the king’s men would banish me from the kingdom
And so I told myself that I was evil
And I wished that I could be a human too
So I took my claws to my scales and tried to scratch them off
I filed my fangs into a grin and tried to pass them as human
But it never worked, they always grow back
And I was covered in scars and thicker scales than before
I was so lonely in my cave
And every day the king hunted me
I scratched as the scales grew thicker
Covered in oily filth I could never wash away
But then the Lion came
And maybe change wasn’t all instantaneous
Sure the scratches were painful
As the lion went deeper into my heart
Than I ever could
As he ripped off my scales
And showed me that my heart is good
And washed away the mire I was trapped in
So that I can fly again
At times that old fire still burns
But not in rebellion or fear, no
To protect those who cannot protect themselves

I was startled when
a friend told me that she
felt sorry for men and their
responsibility as head of family

As if the moment she got married
All choices and fiscal pressures
All control of her life
Would belong to him alone

And in that moment I suffocated
And something died inside me
That this brilliant beautiful creature
Longed for such a sedentary life
That she would willingly step into
Something so opposite to all of my desires
A life so at ease seems stagnant
Drowning, clipped and a locked cage
I’d rather be lonely than let my fire die
I’d rather struggle than not live life to the fullest

You tell me, "It doesn't have to be this way."
But it's the only way I get through another day
I'm a dreamer and a runaway
You locked me in, told me to stay
"Stay quiet, stay here, stay out of my way"
I'm not a doll in your "happy family" play
Ungag me cause I've got hell of a lot to say
You should have left this dog sleeping where it lay
Don't act like I'm the problem, dear
Just because I can't survive living here