Tired, sleepy eyes,
That refuse to fall asleep
While laying in bed
Endlessly counting sheep.

Toss and Turn
Throughout the night
Sleep does not take me over
At least the bed bugs won't bite.

In and out
What a tireless doze
I'm frustrated and hot
Why won't my eyes close?

Heavy eyes
I Awaken to my chill
Winter drafts cooling my bare skin
The clock counts down to its shrill

Finally asleep
but not for long
MRAA MRAA- the alarm clock yells
Guess I'll drink coffee that's extra strong...

When you feel like I am drifting away-
Like a sailboat idle on the sea,
Just know that you are the wind pushing me.

When you think I am not the same as I was before-
As if I changed in the blackness overnight,
Just know that you are the one who acted as the sunlight.

When you say that all I am doing is shutting you out-
Like I somehow built a door and closed it tight,
Just know that your accusations are not always right.

When you start to believe that I am gone for good-
As if I were a flighty songbird singing to you in the sky,
Just know that you are the lighting in the rain clouds that cued my goodbye.

I'm sure the obscurities of the lenses clouding my vision
Are nothing more than a hologram of the world I never knew
But always thought existed in the window panes of my brain

The outside world my thoughts are too afraid to venture
For the warmth in the home of my realistic perception
Is the safe haven of who I am and what I know
And going outside my homestead into the dark forest of the things
That are undiscovered to my left but known all too well by my right  
Are what excels my lenses to constantly change when the room is the same tint of light

Transitions from one thing to the next don't necessarily need to have a change one can see
I feel the forest calling me as if I'm some bewitched prophecy
But the foreboding dank blackness that thickens my view
Has always stopped me from entering into the unknown of my own self

These hazy retractions of light may cast dark shadows
However right now my mind is a whirlwind of calamities that can only be tranquilized
By venturing into the unknown darkness inside of me

This time these obscured lenses draped over my glass orbs
Create a tint similar to what is within the forest
My transitions are nonexistent but all the more in constant motion behind closed curtains

So my first steps out of my safe haven are slow
The door creaks like an old mans rusted weathered body  
And I feel the pang of hysteria hit me as the outside air tests out my foreign skin

When I enter the blackened forest I begin running into what I have never known to my left but know so well in my right
The nightmare-conjuring mysteries of this realm are ready to be battled.

No more glistening eyes
And hiccuped sighs
Hush now, baby girl
Close your eyes and listen
To sweet notes of a lullaby
Sung softly by your mother.
Keep your rib cage steady
To the rhythm of the melody
And slowly, peacefully
Begin your journey into dreamland.

Deep breaths
Steep crests
Jog down

Slip and fall
Shout and call
For anybody's help

You topple over me
Just let it be
Entangled in rocks, roots

In the middle of nowhere
Trying hard not to stare
But you're also watching me

At the bottom of a mountain
Found each other in our darkness
It's slowly leading back to normalcy

"Kick the darkness until it bleeds light"
Such violence could lead to such right
Wonder how our darkness found one another

Open wounds are now healing because of you
Fell down a wretched person came up anew
Save me from falling again or hiding undercover.

Forecasted detachment
Pours onto the floor
Oh, sweetie,
Did you really think I could take any more?

The disorganized mess
A constellation of blood drops
Are spit-sput-spattering
Razor blades are my props.

Barbed wire barriers
Built up in seclusion
I close the heavy curtains
And hide inside my illusion.

I say safety
Is solely for the weak
But trapped inside my emotions
I have no logical right to speak.

You heard all the things I never said in the empty silence between us.
It's funny, when I say nothing at all I'm telling you everything.
But when everything is nothing and nothing means everything,
the words you don't hear can't exactly feel empty anymore.
And it's not empty space surrounded between us,
there are ghosts of the past flying by
whispering chills down our spines.
Our weak, foolish spines....

We are a throng of bones and blood that we tried putting together
yet standing here in front of you I find I am only falling apart.
The dissonance of our energies is weakening us,
as are the futile attempts at mending something
that was always broken.
And what broke gave us scars that burned
brighter than what we once had.
Like the air between us, we are hesitant to move.
Moving past and moving forward is as hard
as two pedals on a bike going in opposite directions;
we are broken but stuck chasing after one another in circles.
We can get so close but never touch.

I feel the swollen heartbreak from these missing puzzle pieces to our masterpiece
We merely have pain and incomprehension of what we know but can't say
To console the absence of space that will nevermore be complete.
Wavelengths slow, saddened by our disconnection.
Fighting no longer, all that is left to say does not need to be spoken
And so we stand here in silence.

She is a candle's melting wax
a slow caress onto the pristine surface
of a strong body that softens in her presence

She leaves herself
molded onto others
a heat that overtook the light,
melting fears disguised in hot wax
stained on the holder

That is the way she leaves them
they are all just a kindle to her fire
coming and going
never the same as the start.

Leave your car keys on the leather seat
I promise the world won't move without you
So there's no need to try to get so ahead of yourself,
The roads will wind around your restless mind
Please don't get too dizzy trying to read between the lines
of the GPS directions you never listen to
The set destination is only far
because you keep turning away from the arrows
And theres a beautiful mystery in the flickering of your eyelashes
blinking against the cinematic sunset
Those colors couldn't give off a fraction
of the colors surrounding you
I know your hands play in the dust
tracing curved lines the same way
you stumble when balance plays with your legs
falling into him

Leave your car keys on the counter
because your footsteps can carry you
onto the carpeted floor, the collage of a blank white wall
painted in sound as substitute for aesthetic
Why get ahead of yourself
if he is facing in front of you?
You've learned to ease your restless mind on your own
yet his hands take the worry and wash them off
a caress across your cheek like a gentle waterfall
you find yourself babbling down the stream
with no map in your hands, no worry of a destination
just a journey on its course
There's a beautiful mystery in the flickering of his smile
lit up like a melting candle that's brightening your face
This heat doesn't represent a fraction
of the energy kept between you
I know your bodies trace lines against one another
weaving more and more into existence
of two universes colliding
a passionate destruction of walls you are no longer keeping

Put your car keys into the ignition
there are so many roads to drive down
but somehow this time I know
you will not get lost.

Tears streak down my face
What a non-seductive grace
They stain my cheeks for a short time
Another ugly feature I must call mine

I look myself up and down
No wonder my lips have always formed a frown
I remember the days where I stood up proud and tall
A showcase of perfection portrayed to all

I remember the days where everything was great
But suddenly my appreciation was handed in too late
They no longer smile at me
With a desire for my attention
They now only cast smiles of covered pretension.

Mistletoe hanging on the door hinge
A mess of tacky holiday sweaters
Caroling in the streets of snowy wonderlands
and houses flashing red blue and orange.

Wishlists to Santa sent in the mail
Gingerbread houses are built
Families tobogganing down the hills
Leaving behind a sleek icy trail.  

Holiday shopping is nearing its craze
Christmas trees cluttered with presents
Little girls and boys staying up late
waiting for Santa 'til they fall asleep in a daze.

The scent of ham is filling the halls
Loved ones gather 'round
While children open their presents
and compare their rockets and dolls.

A map guide clarifying the wrong place
Stoic expressions with implied purpose are no help
Busy streets bustling about this foreign land of no lights
High buildings sporting officiality block my view
Of the mountains and rivers now paved over by ideals of the future
A showcase of grey streets, walls, and skies; I am left hopeless.

No color, no contrast, just black and white: the architects are hopeless
All the intricate designs and patterns are of a different time and place
I cannot be trapped in the colorless cinema of the town; I search for a vibrant future
Native minds drear into the day, knowing not that they desperately need help
The neon lights and rain shower rainbows are not an element of the city's depressed view
It's as if the colorblind man blackened the city and closed his curtains to the light

The planes cannot find where to land because someone put out the runway lights
Auras only shine in black and white, the long since hopeful are now helplessly hopeless
I exhale my dissapointment towards the uninspired dead end view
And mournful rainbows melt out of the sky, defeated. Why did I come here in the first place?
Perhaps I am the prophecy, the ******, the angelic omen sent by God to help
Or perhaps that is conceited; one person alone cannot brighten this future.

No amount of psychic ability or math calculations could have predicted this future
Somebody shot down the angels, choked out all the lights
Malicious villains took over as citizens realized superman wasn't coming to help
Thus the people watched as the color drained out and faded away, oh, they are hopeless
Cacophonous chaos throws broken hearts, leaving shards all over the place
A kaleidoscope zoom reflects nothing but melancholy expressions into my view.

When was the last time the sunshine peeked through the window's view?
Did the sun burn out from uncertain predictions of the future?
I try to envision when only the bleakness of TV sets in the city were out of place
Because psychedelic intricacies ruled, shinning proud neon lights
But then the clouds greyed the sky once the colorblind man began to feel hopeless
His dimension of colors disagreed with the perception of others, shying him from help

Nobody could answer his message in a bottle, his SOS, his plea for help
So day after day darker walls constructed over his already restricted view
At points in our lives our faith finds nothing to battle the hopeless
But news of the blind man seeing purple mountains ignites faith in the future
Of the man of no color who painted the city grey and drained the neon lights
Because his color is not non-existent, but waiting to be found in his own secret place

So perhaps we can help transform this dystopia into a brighter future
We cannot let be a view that we know has the capability to glitter in the light
We will smolder the pollution cloud of hopeless energy and enlighten this place.

If I started
                              running
                          ­                                 far away
                                                                ­                         from you,


Would you
                           lace up your shoes
                                                           ­        to chase after me                                                                  ­                                       into the blue?

We change over night
As the darkness chills us to the bone
We become stiff with bitter memories
That once seemed so right

Milky twilight revealing our faces
Casts soft shadows over once pithy edges
Of what is in front and what is behind us
The thickness of night skews our surroundings

Perception misconceptions grant us the right to stare
Our hearts are told to beat faster by stagnant movements in the distance
We are not the only bitter creatures influenced by the night to play
Because it's easier to pretend to see something when nothing is there

A headache from earlier
Puts shame into my brain.
No, I can't control myself
I am completely reckless
But you don't know that.

You do know that I can't do it
Not even after you've done
All and more than you could do
Disappointment hides behind your eyes
And I know you feel that way.

I wish I could just make you proud the way you want me to.

Actions speak louder than words, they told me
But I have no actions that speak louder than my voice
My words are my actions, I told them.

My words are fathomed together to hurt you
My words are pierced with uncontrollable anger
My words are stumbling out of my mouth half conscious
My words are poisoned by the perception of what I see
My words are empty but they hit you like a brick
My words are rubbed raw from my tired heart

Actions speak louder than words, they told me
But they tell me a lot of things.

Does it ever occur to you
That your face appears in
My thoughts and dreams
And everything in between?

Or should I assume
That like my silly humor,
You just think of me like a joke
And nothing more?

Do you believe in us,
Or is the thought so absurd
That it would only pop up
In your head as sarcastic nonsense?

Could it really be only me
That feels these feelings,
Or are you hiding them
Like an elementary school boy does?

Am I only wasting my time
Wistfully dreaming about you-
Or are you
Secretly dreaming of me too?

It's not my fault
You waited too long
And now look at this; we burned out*
Whatever it was we had, it's gone
No more fiery sparks
A magnetic pull far too weak
I can free myself so easily from you now
How it came to this, I can't say
*Whatever it was, it was never enough.

Ice cubes
melting on the floor
I love the way our feet move
stomping around one another
a tapping war
coming close but never touching

keep your distance from my limbs
I don't control the movements
once the night kisses my spirits
freedom feels like sweat
running over my lips

the same place where honey
sweetened the illusions we made
laughing into the crowd that held us
without really looking close
waves of notes rushed over the lights
a never ending vibration of cheers
showcased in radiant shamelessness

we are tied together with energy
fueled by glasses that the optimist enjoys
more empty than filled
we replace the mass with moments that matter
more in the moment than the future

looking back we wont remember
all the words that spilled out
in a honey flavored accent-
we speak in ways that numb our lips
smiling wider and wider
when we let the rhythm shake our inner rush out

our feet stumble kisses onto the ground
and our hands hug steadier fingers
we love the way our voices sound
mingling in nonsense with one another
honey sounds sweetest when heard together

shaking glasses steady with sloshing gambles
of who's eyes will rock the room first
but it doesn't matter when the light attracts you
and your feet guide pathways in circles
the night knows darkness brings out light from within
coaxed by accents we acquire
if only for a night we won't remember

It's going to be okay
That's what comes out
When there's nothing else to say

Like it even matters to them
They don't know where you've been
Time to supposively move on
But how, when all happiness is gone?

Inside, it's nothing but numb
Yet they say a better time will come
When thinking all emotions become tears
Wishing we could go back to better years

But that's probably not going to be
When the future is all we're able to see
As we stare back to the past and our dreams
So far away now, it seems.

I honestly thought you weren't like other guys.
I hoped you would actually go after me once I left.
I believed you would do more than what you really did.
(Which was absolutely nothing)
I wish I hadn't let myself do this yet again.
I fell for you so hard.
And it was that much more embarrassing
To pick my sorry *** up off the floor
And pretend like nothing ever happened.

It's the memories of you
Of how you made me feel
That made me smile so genuinely
Of the sparks
That crackled between our hands
Of the butterflies
That caressed my stomach
Of the love
That tinged my cheeks pink

Which still attracts me to you
Like a bug to the light
Hoping that in your eyes
I'll see a flicker, a flash
Of the fire you used
To ignite in me

But I am hopelessly
Disappointed
By the fire we both
Stopped caring for
Whose flame burned out
Not from the rain
But from the wood
That turned to ashes
When the flames had
No where to else flicker

So they turned
From red
To orange
To black
Ashes
They're all that is left to show
For whatever it was between us

And half-heatedly I poke
At the remains,
Wishing that back then
I had known
That it would end
As simply as this
Too soon, too undeveloped
From fire to ashes
We quickly burned.

The explosions come but we do not run. We see them before we hear them.
The high-pitched sounds permeate the air and all we do is sit.
We wait.
They explode from the inside out.
The explosions leave a spidery trail of sound and sight that no longer exits anywhere but in our minds and all we do is listen.
The colors fight against each other.
They spread in all different directions pushing out whatever empty space was occupied there.
The noises change and now we hear the demonic mutation of the sound of rain.
We are hurt by the light but still we stare.
The booming and the blinding lights transfix our gazes so all we do is sit.

Please let me take your hand and run my thumb across your palm to show that I care too much for you,
Let each stroke be a catalyst to a fire I am hesitant to ignite
Like a child playing with matches,
each stroke on your palm is the base
and my thumb is the match
gently gliding across wondering if I
will burn if I try to make sparks-
I am hesitant to create this fire.

I've only the energy
To make myself
Look halfway decent
Because halfway
Is where I stand
Between throwing
Myself into a river
And hiding under my
Bedroom blankets
Hopelessly confused

My glass is half empty
Or maybe half full
Either way
There's nothing
Occupying the opposite space
And that other space
Is where I am standing
Halfway decent
Halfway insane
Halfway gone.

The tablecloth is smoothed over
stiff and  firm in perfection
The same cloth that I hid under as a child
night and day
mulling over when the sun will finally tap me with yellows
so I could stop feeling so blue
Hiding away from the ghosts beneath the surface
even though I felt like one too

You tuck me in and kiss my head
But I want to sit up and talk to you instead
Daddy, please tell me again what the doctors said
And why your cheeks were stained with water and eyes turned red
You can't hide this from me, daddy, so tell me when mommy will stop being dead.

A clock bongs out its chime
As we look at the time
That's never really acknowledged
until the hour is running out.

Cast sideways glances
never full attention
except for the ones
who have no intention

Around in circles I go
the same old same old
just counting up
then down
then up again.

And I grow weary
my movements becoming dreary
but time is moving faster
as around and around in circles I go.

Until I finally stop
with my one last tick-tock
and time is lost
until the batteries are rebooted

And I start new again
my cycle of endless circling
I'm 1, I'm 2, I'm 3, I'm 4
Ticking away to the end once more.

There's sadness welling up with water in my eyes.
There's embarrassment flushing to my cheeks.
There's fear twitching to run in my feet.
There's anger bunching up in my balled fists.
There's nausea accumulating in my stomach.
There's confusion pumping through my heart.
There's disapointment sighing in my rib cage.
There's regret pursing my lips.
And there's madness processing my brain.

I am a single being.
One small body, barely growing.
A structure of bones made up a human.
This being, this body, this human,
This single being
Is overwhelmed with emotions.
And I cannot contain these feelings.
I am one person.  
Which makes it logical that all these feelings
Would overtake me.


(just like they always do)

I like to ramble and I like to write in all caps whenever I'm tired
I like to sing and I like to dance but neither of those traits were really admired.
I like to compete and I like to achieve but lately I've been losing
I like to pretend and I like to cry, it's just the path that I'm choosing.

I like to love people and I like to be loved right back
I like to have security and I like that my friends keep my life on track.
I like to make decisions but I'm probably the most indecisive person ever.
I like to be busy but the way I plan some things just isn't very clever.

I like to write and I like to revise and lately that's what I've been doing
I like to study and I like to remember and yes it's a full plate that I'm chewing.
I like to eat healthy but I always end up eating way too much.
I like to have friends but sometimes I decide not to keep in touch.

I like that I'm single  but sometimes it'd be entertaining to have a lover
I like searching for nothing in particular, because there's so many things to discover.
I like to talk and I like to think but I usually end up annoying myself
I like the idea that my life could be an interesting story on somebody's book shelf.

For all the times it's been said
For all the times you've been misled
To all the tears you quietly spill
To all the memories that give you chills

Like all the stars burning too far away
Like all the dreams you wanted to stay
How all the years that went by real slow
How all those people just didn't know

When all that time you faded dull
When all your limits got stuffed too full
And all you've done is tried to stay in line
And all your mouth could mutter was
"I'm fine"

Get up
And pick your heart off the floor
Face it
He's not into you anymore.

Remember this
And try to stand proud and tall
Chin high
Change course once you've hit a wall.

Secrets hidden
To pretend that you're alright
Smile big
Don't let them know you've been crying all night

Move on
Because it's all that you can do
Head strong
No one needs to know you're bleeding black and blue.

I miss you
I heard the remorse in your voice as you said it.
Well, sweetheart, I guess I could say I miss you too.

I *miss your judgemental demeanor
And your pugnacious attitude.

I miss you treating me like ****
And your constant complaining.

I miss your vicious words
And your pointless insecurities.

I miss your pissy glare
And your interrogating questions.

I miss your painful attempts at saying sorry
And especially your violent movements.

And do you remember the first day you came into my life?
Oh, love, how I wish I could have missed that too.

I am so tired of letting you consume me
What you do, what you say
I let it affect me in every which way.

I don't belong to you
Nor does it seem I ever will
Yet I think of you when my mind is still.

I want these feelings to end
Because for you it's as if they never even started
Now it's time for me to act just as cold-hearted.

I could lay here and wonder a million times over
What it is that keeps you smiling and sober
But nothing in the world could change what
Your eyes have seen and ears have heard

I could lay here and listen for a thousand whispers long since lost in space
But like the wavelengths of the words never said; I cannot hear a single trace.
I know what you feel hurts you to endure- so
I will run to cease the pain for you.

I could lay here and hurriedly paddle down the river of tears flowing from your eyes
Like waterfalls every drop is a reenactment of the rapids reflected in mountain skies
Falling as fast as they are rushed out of broken wishing wells straight from your heart
I cannot tell you how much I want to save you from the pain tearing you apart

Let me heal the wounds you keep mercilessly opening up
I want to stop the blood from rushing out of your soul
I want to keep you safe-I want you to heal-I want you to be okay
Stay with me, please- stay with me, I know I can help you if you'd just let me

Let your walls break down and open the curtains of your barrier
Let me in
Let me in
Let me in.

**Let me save you.

I'm going to fly away
I've strung two diamond kites to my back as wings
And I've tracked down the winding river-like patterns of the wind

I'm going to fly away
Because my kites will have no trouble
Picking up my hollow body, empty of life and experience and substance and
everything that defines what it means to be alive, up into the sky.

I'm going to glide on the air
and slowly make a parabola as I slide down the air current like
I'm on a water slide and then curve upwards
as if I'm a rocketeer testing out the power of my engine.

I'm going to glide on the air
because my feet are too tired of carrying the weight on my shoulders.
I want to feel the weightlessness that has encompassed my heart
every time it got its hopes up and every time it was broken.
The weightlessness that my empty lungs felt as
I lurched for oxygen in the smoky air
The weightlessness that my arms felt hugging
every one of imaginary friends that never felt real enough to believe in.
I want to feel the same physical weightlessness,
yet know it carries a much different meaning than all the others,
The one you feel when things are just where you want them to be,
The small floating instant in the transition from your upward velocity running out and
your momentum building as you are suddenly falling down.
The weightlessness of balance that I have only felt in the wrong ways.

I'm going to fly away
Because as a teenager I specialize in the concept of hating
every human being out there including myself.
and yet I'm dressed in all white save for the vibrant color of my kites
because I'd rather the world paint me into what it really is instead of me
painting the world into my skewed perceptions.

I'm going to fly away
and fly so far away and for so long
that my skin will turn the color of the sky
my kites will become a part of my body
my eyes will turn into every color humankind has failed to see
and I will feel alive,
my body full of the mass of life
that has replaced the weight on my shoulders
Which tried to hold me down to walk the concrete ground,
face the gray brick walls, and breathe the misused air

I'm going to fly away,
So I will learn to catch my breath the same way a landscape will take it away,
So I will hear the raw wavelengths of our earth,
So I will reach back to the trees reaching up to me from the ground
So I will feel the air currents take me along its route to nowhere in particular,
So I will live in fantastically unimaginable ways
So that when I land again,
I will be full of weight I don't mind carrying on my shoulders.
Yes,I'm going to fly away.

I've been
a little confused at the way he
gently brushed my hair away from my neck
and pressed soft kisses on my skin during mid-afternoon

And when night fell
(how lovely it was to see something else falling rather than me)
he held me close but wouldn't let me in
So like a child practicing a lesson learned in grade school,
I covered his skin with kisses- you get what you give, right?
But I had forgotten that reality isn't like a movie
with happy endings occurring in every scene,
the little moments don't seem so little
when the main character forgets to play his part.

Sometimes I wonder why
Why is it that I'm lost for words
When simply stating the obvious
Sometimes I wonder why
Why is it that I even try?

Wearing red never felt like a sin
until my cheeks couldn't stop blushing
after my lipstick left a stain on his neck.
he told me afterwards,
you mean nothing to me
I wonder if those words
were supposed to hurt me;
he didn't mean much to me either.

I think I've finally met someone
I want to hug and kiss one moment
Then punch and choke the next.

I wish you could hear what I have to say
But the problem is I can't put my emotions into words
Until 10 minutes after the fight is over.
Maybe they'll come at the right time someday.

I wish you would listen to me instead of ignore my yelling
But the problem is you're so **** stubborn
And I have too much pride to swallow my words
Maybe you actually understand what I'm feeling, but there's no telling.

I wish you would walk up to me and take my anger
And push it out of my body as you engulf me in your arms
But you have so many reasons not to forgive me for this
Maybe one day soon you'll stop looking at me like I'm a stranger.

I wish you would speak to me instead of only talk
And then things would become more functional again
But your ideas do not match up with mine anymore
One day I'll realize this parting shouldn't have been such a shock.

I have no enigmatic inspiration
To provide any rhyme or combination
To accurately convey my opinionated inclination.

My thoughts are merely another fed up indignation
Towards all the people with egos far too high in inflation
To really understand what it is to have a substantial imagination.

My thoughts are all askew,
but when I piece them together
I find they are a puzzle
made of you.

-20w-

Your lips don't need to talk
I can hear you speak all over my body
Without a single utter heard
I feel your words pressed against my skin
as you caress your palm across the trail you've made
Like a security seal of possession
Your lips make sure you haven't left any spot untouched

I felt it written all over my skin,
*I will kiss every inch of you