It's not my fault
You waited too long
And now look at this; we burned out*
Whatever it was we had, it's gone
No more fiery sparks
A magnetic pull far too weak
I can free myself so easily from you now
How it came to this, I can't say
*Whatever it was, it was never enough.

Once again clinging to the past like a baby clings to her mother
Walking in a straight line I sometimes forget the world is a circle
If I keep going straight I'll find myself exactly where I first started
And going back after walking so far at this point is not what I want at all
How is it I wander back home when I am trying to run away
Does the world shift my straight lines to secretly turn me around?
I don't want to be put into reverse nor do I want to fast forward
Pausing myself and looking around, I find myself somewhere foreign
Like always I shrug and choose a direction to make straight lines in
Fast forwarding and rewinding all the time and never knowing it
Maybe my changing motions make a three dimensional cycle
My straight lines curve in the 5th dimension that I cannot see
Impossible movements from the unknown are my trickery
But somehow I find myself starting over from scratch again
1d 2d 3d 4d all I need is something to correctly move me
I need to direct my path into the right navigations of motion
So program my straight lines and distort the dimension of curveballs
It's time to pause and figure out where I am and where I'm headed.

A headache from earlier
Puts shame into my brain.
No, I can't control myself
I am completely reckless
But you don't know that.

You do know that I can't do it
Not even after you've done
All and more than you could do
Disappointment hides behind your eyes
And I know you feel that way.

I wish I could just make you proud the way you want me to.

I keep telling myself it's okay
But, in all honesty,
That's a flat out lie.
I can't deny it.

If I'm driving to who knows where
If I'm sobbing my eyes out
If I'm screaming at the top of my lungs
If I'm yelling at myself for ******* so badly
If I'm wishing I was someone better
If I'm hoping no ones home to see me
If I'm thinking about how much of a failure I am
If I'm pretending that I can pull it together
If I'm assuming I can break the news without losing it
If I'm sitting in a random neighborhood
If I'm writing this in the confinement of my car
If I'm hoping I can disappear for a day
If I'm completely done with all this trying stuff-

Shhhh, it's alright.
No, it's not.

If I'm set on trying again, I'm an idiot.
If I'm going to practice even harder for next time, I'm wasting my time.
If I think I can do better, I'm lying.

5 times. 3 times....
No more. Please. You'll be okay.
But am I really okay? Do you really think I can ignore the disappointment in their eyes?





*....I didn't think so.

Think before you;
Talk
Text
Approach
Wave
Look
Move
Breathe
Exist

Because you'll probably end up;
Making a fool of yourself
Doing something stupid
Making yourself sound idiotic
Bothering him
Making him not like you
Hating yourself
Wanting to disappear
Wishing you hadn't.

Clattering clashes of confused cacophony
Secretly sweep myself from sanity  
No one knows of this nonsense
That's viciously veering away my vanity.
But bursting bottles bubble over
Then transform from thick to translucent
Succumb to swallowing my insecurities
Like little lies luring your loneliness
Making moments your own meaningless movie
These hallucinations hear hoarse laughter
That tricks time into ticking towards timebombs.

Tell me how people think
The crisp sound of leaves
Scattered around the trees
Crunching beneath feet
Sounds beautiful
And how the smell of death
Coming from the decay
Smells wonderful.

Autumn is the season of the dying.