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Apr 2016 · 208
Smoke in my eyes
Kimberly Apr 2016
I watch behind afternoon pipe smoke
Gasoline rainbows on asphalt walkways

They are a congregation of black and white
Praying to a god They do not hate
Like the brown wings of a moth between fingers
Heads lowered; eyes to the ground
Too busy with making a living
To live a life

Shadow masks like spilled, old ink
Cheap polyester on hot flesh
Their blood burns with youthful regret
and midnight mistakes
Without spines of Their own
They are still the nation’s backbone

I am a stone that cuts through rivers
But smoke gathers dust around my eyes
Kimberly Dec 2013
Dear reader,

This is not a poem. This is not a letter. This is not really much of anything, for that matter. I hope you'll continue reading because it kind of helps knowing that someone somewhere out there is reading what I'm going to say next. I just hope you, my dear reader can benefit from my story.

It's merely 3.41AM and I am feeling empty. It's not the kind of emptiness that overwhelms you in tsunamis of water, neither is it splashes of water. It just didn't seem to have a place, it wasn't really anywhere, it was kinda just there. Haunting me.

I had just finished my O level examinations, and where I come from, it's one of the most major exams in my life. It determined my future. So like any other schooling teenager in this country, I studied for it. Not just the kind of studying where you listen in class or read the textbook and do your homework. The kind of study where I could go on without sleep for days or taking shot after shot of expresso just to keep myself going or regurgitating word for word an entire essay. All because I knew how important this was to me and my family and my future. Every day of the week was dedicated towards memorizing, every minute of the day was devoted towards practicing, and every second of the minute was committed towards reading. Basically, every millisecond was crucial. And this was something I abided by religiously. But despite my efforts, I was still struggling. I simply couldn't do well. And when you put your heart and soul into something and it just doesn't go how it's supposed to, you get really broken, destroyed. You never know what went wrong and you question many things about yourself and you start running in circles, thinking and digging. The failure I was faced with consumed me with defeatism and self hate. I broke down more often than I should as the days to my exam drew closer, and I grew more anxious and scared. So ******* scared of the future.

Bear with me, please.

Anyway, the week of my exams came quickly. Despite my efforts to slow down time, time had done just the opposite. It was the most painful and suffocating weeks of my life. And although I am one to say that lightly, this easily took the crown. I have never, ever in my life felt this close off the ledge. And there were many times were I have came very close off the ledge. My exams lasted for around 3 weeks, and each morning I had to have at least a triple shot expresso and each night I before I went to sleep, there would be these images and thoughts telling me that I didn't deserved to sleep and I shouldn't even think about it. But when I did catch some sleep, the constant fears in my day had took over my nights. I would always dream about failing the exam, or being late for the exam, or forgetting to bring something to the exam, or killing myself before the exam. It was impossibly horrible and I could actually feel my soul getting depleted by the minute. Like the 'me' in my body was slipping away and there would soon be nothing harboring my body. I often find myself crying to sleep, and waking up in tears. I couldn't stand being so weak and vulnerable, but I felt absolutely defenseless against everything around me. Even the ones that loved me couldn't make me feel human, I felt like I was already dead and my body was still alive. I felt like I was constantly suffocating and nobody could see it. Each day felt so purposeless, ironically. (It being my exams week) Waking up each and every day was draining and having to face my eminent fate was painful. A physical kind of pain where you felt lightheaded and spinning but yet caged and choked. It's hard to describe.

So, it isn't hard to tell that I wasn't in the right state of mind to take my exams. I just dragged myself through those past couple of weeks, doing what I could. Each breath felt labored and each thought in my head wore me down greatly. I broke down frequently before my papers, and there would always be this couple of schoolmates who say things like "You'll do fine, stop worrying." Or "Just do your best. Whatever will be, will be." My parents would even try to tell me to take it easy and "We'll be proud as long as you've tried your best." I know that they mean well. But no, you don't understand. I have worked too ******* long and too ******* hard to watch it all slip away from me just like that. It isn't just some national exam I have to study for, it was my godforsaken passport for the future. All that I have done for this exam, all that I have forsaken, all that I have gone through was for myself. It was the dedication of every ounce of strength that I had so that I could let myself believe that hope existed. And I had just watched it being snatched away from me, right before my own sunken in, swollen eyes. And it hurt like hell knowing that I've tried my best for it, and it is a reflection of what I've worked for. Nobody's going to look at C's and D's and see the reflection of an "overnight mugger", they'll see what comes to mind first: a lazy, complacent teen. And as the saying goes, "The lie, if repeated a hundred times, becomes the truth." All my hard work will be forgotten. And it will be like it never existed before.

Maybe some might think that all this is stupid. All this I go through for one exam, I know many of my schoolmates think that way. But the complex feelings that I experience for this exam isn't just because of my future. My life depends more than it should on this exam because it will prove to me that I am not a failure and I am not as stupid as I think I am. I want to know where my best truly is and where I stand. Because I have never worked for anything in my life but this exam has been the great exception. It was the key driving force of my life, it was what wore me down and spurred me on at the same time. I don't want people to tell me that I am capable and that I am smart, because I will never believe you. I need this exam to show me that I am capable and I am smart. I want to believe it too.

So I lie in bed at 4.17AM now feeling so afraid of the future. And I used to be the kid that depended on the prospect of a better day. I have yet to meet my impending doom, and if you are wondering, I collect my results next year in January. So now, I am lost and alone. And empty.

Thank you if you've read this far, I just hope that you, my dear reader, if you've ever felt useless, or not good enough or you're just hurting, know that you are not alone and there is someone that knows how you feel. I would tell you to be strong, but only you can do that for yourself. Just hang in there.

k.m.
Oct 2013 · 573
When you think of her
Kimberly Oct 2013
When you think of her
There was a twinkling sadness in your dulled eyes
How your eyes would light up
And like a mosquito lamp amidst a fog,
Its light was hindered beneath layers of gloom

Your exhausted smile would crunch gently to a side
And you'd let out an unamused chuckle
Probably at what a fool you've been
(A fool for her)

And every time that stupid Maroon 5 song plays
There would be a consuming emptiness in your stare
A hollowness, even.
A hole in your heart
That was hers to fill

Not mine
Not mine
Not mine
And never could be mine
Kimberly Sep 2013
You give me so much to write about










But I always end up
At a loss for words

k.m.
Sep 2013 · 1.4k
My fluorescent lights
Kimberly Sep 2013
I flip the switch
As the electricity flows through the wires
Giving life to my two fluorescent lights that rest above me

The first fluorescent light is full of life and vigor
Emerging from the darkness like a strong warrior after a ****** war
He is tired and old,
But powerful and dominant
He tears the secrecy of the night with his sharp, searing light

The second fluorescent light flickers, blinks, wavers
She is unsure and afraid of showing her light
Her light is impending and hidden, behind her glass face it has not been revealed
Wrinkled and exhausted,
She is stuck in deliberation and reluctance

The fluorescent lights are no different
Therefore as I sit and watch the second fluorescent light as she is stuck in her own self-created inability,
I wonder
Why doesn't she break free from the prison that she has locked herself in?

k.m.
Kimberly Sep 2013
Don't let them take the life flowing through your stalk
Your leaves have curled in desperation for life
Your once sunny petals, stripped of their radiant glow
Replaced with a shriveled, barren, dangling corpse
Your branch is drooping lifelessly by the edge of the vase
I am told that you have become an eyesore
A bore, a chore
Because you no longer possess that charm you used to have
The life, that ran through your veins and sprung you into a beauty,
was no longer there

And it pains me to say this but,
you are no longer beautiful, my little sunflower
You have let time and the harsh ways of the universe
divest your once enchanting and enticing glimmer

You are still alive
But you are already dead
Kimberly Sep 2013
I took a final glance at you
And realized
That I've wasted far too much time
Trying to write poetry
That could be
As
Beautiful
As
You

k.m.
Sep 2013 · 271
Poetry (10W)
Kimberly Sep 2013
I love the way you smile



That alone
Is
Poetry

k.m.
Aug 2013 · 516
Untitled
Kimberly Aug 2013
You are walks by the rain
I am water in the drain

You are familiar radio tunes
I am background noises in cartoons

You are shiny red shoes on the new arrival shelf
I am torn, tattered boots resting by itself

You are Gin and tonic
I am chronic alcoholics

You are late night conversations
I am forgotten relations

You are reread books
I am infrequent looks

You are lemonade on a hot summer day
I am medication kept at bay

You are the full moon
I am regular afternoons

You were all that I was not
And therefore you complete me
Aug 2013 · 390
A midnight confession (15W)
Kimberly Aug 2013
Don't let this unworldly confession
Throw you off guard
But
I will always love you
Kimberly Aug 2013
Loving you seemed effortless
I was beautiful
Even with the strands of hair out of place
I was funny
Even when it was just a causal comment I thought of halfway
I was clever
Even when the things I said were never always quite right

Loving you seemed effortless
I never had to wake up early to pick my clothes
I no longer worried about the zit on my nose
I didn't feel the need to tie my hair
I just came as I was
And you accepted it there and then,
Magnificently
Perfectly

Loving you was effortless
How our conversations continued tirelessly
You knew just the right things to say
And I did too
we could understand each other
Magnificently
Perfectly
Like a whole new language
Only we understood
And how you told me I looked beautiful
Even though I was not

Then loving myself became effortless
Kimberly Aug 2013
Amidst all the madness and panic that surrounded
I squander to my sanctuary
In hope to escape reality
Even if it was just for a bit

I slam the door shut behind me
To rest my exhausted body and soul
on the toilet bowl
And gave a sigh of relief
It was good to finally get away
Even if it was just for a bit

The frustrations and anxieties of the day
Gave way in a liquid form
So I say
"Please God, cleanse me of my darkness,
take away my pain,
end me of my misery."
I was not a Christian
Nor did I have a religion of any sort
I just needed everything to stop
But this time, for more than a bit.

k.m.
Aug 2013 · 448
Language of the Eyes
Kimberly Aug 2013
Our eyes met

I thought about the conversation we had that lasted til 4AM
And how I didn't want it to end
The many brief silences that we shared
I treasured
The honesty of 4AM was powerful
your intimate thoughts
poured

Our gazes interlocked

I thought about when your head rested playfully on my shoulder
And how I liked it there
You lied that you were tired
But I felt inspired
it was lovely

You broke into a smile
and I fell in love with it

It wasn't a smile that bragged
Or was too much
it was a simple smile
but it glowed
radiating happiness
that revealed mine as well

k.m.
Kimberly Aug 2013
You fumble with the cigarette
It is carelessly balanced between your index and *******
Like how you see in the movies
You hesitantly tapped it on the corner of the ashtray

You forced a confident smile
Coughed uncontrollably
Claimed it was a flu
But knew it was not

You poured too much ***** into your glass
And you gulped it bottoms up
You suppressed a look of disgust
And said it was good

You asked for another glass
Even though you were tipsy
And could not stand still

The white smoke
and false strawberry scent filled the room
You saw the bubbles
and the burning charcoal
We were blowing rings
and imitating dragons
You asked for a go
We couldn't say no
You swallowed the gas whole
You choked
you gagged
But said it felt good
And tasted strawberries

You couldn't wait for your turn again
Even though you couldn't breathe
without clearing your throat

You weren't enjoying yourself
But I guess everyone already knew

But beneath the bloodshot eyes
Frequent retching
Croaking throat
I saw a boy
that just wanted to belong

k.m.
Aug 2013 · 415
Nothing
Kimberly Aug 2013
I wasn't sad
I wasn't angry
I wasn't disappointed
I couldn't feel a thing
n o t h i n g
but that had hurt the most

Nothing could consume me
more than any other emotion I had ever felt
Nothing could occupy me
more than any other emotion I had ever felt
Nothing could pain me
more than any other emotion I had ever felt

But
I could only feel nothing
And then I wondered
if there was anything left inside me

k.m.
Aug 2013 · 759
Different shades of emotion
Kimberly Aug 2013
Depression was not always
crying
tears
frowning
Depression was always
silenced cries
tear stains
smiles

Pain was not always
cuts
bruises
hunger pangs
Pain was always
a ****** razor blade
a visit from the bigger kids
feeling fat

Tragedy was  not always
suicide
death
overdose
But rather
waking up every morning not knowing
why

k.m.
Aug 2013 · 1.7k
After 3AM
Kimberly Aug 2013
Everyone was somewhere else after 3AM
and the world seemed to fall into a fascinating silence

I was alone with my mind
There was nothing and no one that could interrupt the journey of my thoughts
I could feel the thin, gentle breeze flutter playfully along the back of my neck
The sounds of creaking floorboards and rustling leaves dominated

My mind was clearer after 3AM
Although I was drunk with fatigue
My mind and thoughts were intact

I could feel and hear the universe working at 3AM
Even though I could not see it at all
It had made me realize how beautiful the world truly was
after 3AM

But its raw resplendence was only evident
beneath the bustle of the crowds
and the panic in the streets
And that was only after 3AM

k.m.
Aug 2013 · 473
Thoughts about you
Kimberly Aug 2013
It's 11.51pm
and I'm wondering if you were sound asleep
I dismissed the sweet thought of you and rolled over

It's 1.23am
and I'm wondering if you had reached slumber land peacefully
I suppressed the enticing thought of you and buried my face in the pillow

It's 4.57am
and I'm wondering about how effulgent you would look when you were asleep
I had been overrun by divine thoughts of you
and I could no longer sweep it aside
But it was also because I welcomed with open arms the thoughts I had about you.

k.m.
Aug 2013 · 564
Different
Kimberly Aug 2013
I didn't feel butterflies in my stomach
Neither did I feel my heart skip a beat
Nor did my mind go to a complete blank.

But I was in love with you
And it was different
The feelings you evoked in me were different
And we were different,
What we had was different
And I was in love with you.

We weren't travelling the streets of Paris
like lovers do.
Neither were we kissing in the rain
like lovers do.
Nor were we dying in each other's arms
like lovers do.
We were different.

We were holding hands and counting heartbeats,
Searching for souls in each others eyes,
Tracing skins
And allowing every intoxicating feature of one another
to sink deep within the parallels of our hearts.

You were not the clichés
And how vigorous it was for me to find the words that could summon a fraction of the way I felt
when your fingers entangled with mine for the very first time.
For nothing could have been more beautiful,
nor as precious.

There were no butterflies in my stomach
But there were more than butterflies in my stomach,
My stomach had been devoured whole
And every nerve in my body had went violent.

My heart didn't skip a beat
But my heart had done more than skip a beat,
It had caused an eruption of fireworks in the core of my body,
sending waves of tingles through the course of my veins.

My mind didn't go to a complete blank
But it had done more than go to a complete blank,
It had brought the oasis of the entire universe to a complete halt.
And right there,
Right then
Everything was perfect
When you had your fingers twisted in my hair
And my ear pressed gently against your chest.

I could hear it beat,
Your heart.
And it was the beats to your heart that made mine different.

k.m.
Aug 2013 · 372
He was my nature of things
Kimberly Aug 2013
He was the sun
From the way he shone a humble ray of elegance
upon the darkest shadows within the depths of my heart
To the way he made my entire sphere revolve around him
as though it was a perfect symphony
He was the sole axis of my universe.

How beautiful that was,
And how beautiful he was.
He was beautiful, in name and in essence.

I often caught myself pondering with great distress
the meaning of his existence;
Of how one person could be so resplendent and delicate
But so destructive at the same time.

k.m.
Aug 2013 · 776
As you are
Kimberly Aug 2013
I watched as your chest rose
And descend
In silent intervals

I drew closer to you
Our noses brushed,
And oh how my blood rushed.
Through the course of my veins they flowed
like a tsunami.

I remained motionless
My fingers laid gently upon your cheek
I began to trace the meticulously sculptured structure of jaws
Before I met your lips
Your lips
They were the Devil's prized piece
and God's miraculous work of utter flawlessness.

They were parted slightly
And my fingers found their way to the tip of your lower lip.
I looked on intently
As your lips quivered subtly with each paced breath that you took
How I battled the urge to press my lips against yours.

I looked on to your hair that rustled so delicately
with the passing journey of the wind
I gave myself the luxury of mildly stroking each piece off your forehead rigorously
And watching as how they folded back in compliance.

Your eyelids were laying perfectly on one another
Hiding away the jewels.
Jewels that shone so magnificently that nothing could be in comparison to its rare elegance
That it had to be sealed behind the locks of your eyelids.

Your slumber had made you peaceful and serene
And I could watch you as you were;
You were naked
And I could see all of you
No bars barred,
No walls built up.
You were bare,
Vulnerable and defenseless
Yet, that has made you even more majestic.

k.m.
Aug 2013 · 459
Counting down
Kimberly Aug 2013
It was no longer a brand new day
But rather, just another day.
She no longer basked her olive skin in the sunlight
Even though the sun still shone as bright.

It wasn't that anything had changed
Because nothing had at all
She had grown wary of the morning light
She never liked it like before.

Instead, she distanced herself from the sun
And all else that she loved,
She had always been a loner
But she had never felt so alone

Soon enough she became a walking paradox;
The disturbing balance of wanting to be less lonely
and wanting to be alone
And also how she wanted to tell somebody
and wanting to tell no one at all
But most of all
It was how she wanted to **** herself
and wanting to live a little more.

However, that balance was going to go off
And she knew which side would be hers to go
after all.

k.m.
Aug 2013 · 495
Simplicity amplified
Kimberly Aug 2013
It was the way you smiled;
How the ends of your full crimson lips rose to press a tiny crinkle on each side
And how your eyes lit up brightly,
Putting every star in the midnight sky to hopeless shame.

It was the the way you ran your fingers through your hair,
How you'd absentmindedly and effortlessly dig your fingers through the locks of your beautiful hair
And how every out of place piece was what made everything more in place

It was the way you looked off in a distance,
How you'd seem to transport yourself into some place else
With your cheek resting gracefully against the cup of your palm;
Wandering, imagining, thinking, recalling

But most of all it was the way you said my name,
And despite the countless times that I have been called upon,
Only the way my name was sung with the lashing of your tongue
And how each syllable sprung out of your throat as though each had been meticulously entwined,
Stringing together to form my name
My simple, meaningless, unworthy name
Had suddenly become such a marvelous enchantment
From the touch of an angel

I loved you;
I truly love(d) you
And every tiny bit of you
Allowed me to embrace you with an honest pouring heart and open arms.

k.m.

— The End —