I want to survive this fight. I keep battling it every day.                 Sometimes                     the struggle                           just to breathe,    sometimes                     the struggle    
is to eat.                           I  do the best I can      to get through my day. It's been 3 year's of hell for me just one huge battle that I finally want to win and  survive for my daughter sake to see her grow up and to grow old with my other half is my only wish. Its really taking a lot of  energy out of me.                                  I feel like               crying at times,                            
but you know what       I will never give up. 
You never feel the same again and you always feel the pain.                                 I do this for my daughter and for my other half.                    
My other half does what he can and tries really hard to make me laugh. Distract me from all the horror life is now putting me through.                          Will I finally beat it and win this battle only time will tell.   Just want more than anything to feel fit and well again.

To me the word love was difficult to feel or define.                   
I never knew or could express what love was.                

I was only  half way there with my definition
on what love meant to me.
I was being assessed for autism on that day  
                                      
A physchatrist told me from my definition I had given him.              

I had only ever felt infatuation or lust
never felt what love was which was why I could not define this.

He says its down to all the shock and abuse I endured
The times I kept on denying abuse ever happened to me
making excuses for the abusers as I was and still feel afraid
of what happened
making it seem all rational and normal when it wasn't.  

I couldn't face up to painful truth of being abused
I kept trying to push it out my head or drowning the bad memories or thoughts it with alcohol
which only made the pain feel worst and more intense inside.

I said to the assessor
how can you expect me to define
what love really is?
when I was feeling  broken all the time.
Feeling rejected that I never really mattered much to anyone else. 
Feeling like I was always a second or third option
but never a first option.

The abuse I had endured made it difficult for me to have  relationships with men. I felt scared and on edge that I will get hurt again and the insecurities followed me around my head  for a long while as I felt that when I always got  comfortable I would end up rejected and  getting my heart broken.              


This is until I finally met the love of my life.                
I knew there was something I love
about him even from the start.                
My partner is energetic
and always wants to help other people
same as myself.                        
I know that I feel what love is for him
as no other man or woman ever  compares to him.                    
We had our ups and downs with life in the last 4 years
but we are strong together.
Life has constantly tested us
and we have always been there
helped each other out
from falling into the dark pit.
                            
He turns my frown into a smile
by making me laugh with his jokes.                
I can tell him anything and he can tell me anything.
There is always equal love and there is always equal support.
He's like my best friend as well as my lover
and always looks after me and sophie too.  
                      
He puts us first and I always do the same for him.                
We've been working on our issues together
and we make such a great team.                    
We are both creative and spiritual.              
He's helped me enjoy the good
and also get through the very bad,
being there for me even when I felt low
or when my health has been very poor.   
         
I've always been there for him
when he's equally had the good
and very bad in his life. 
                 
For me this is what  love is to me
he never expects anything
he just loves me how I am
and I love him that way too.
My bad experiences had blinded me
for the first 2 years of the relationship
and created more
insecurities but now
I feel more stable and much more comfortable with him     
We both are not perfect and we both make mistakes
and there is always ups and downs
but we have never given up on each other.      
I love him and sophie so much.
He's my love.

As being a mum to Sophie I worry too much about safety,
every day I check the plugs, wires, count my meds,
check the cooker is off multiple times.
I can't leave my flat without checking for something
or forgotten to do something important.
I even check I got all my cards and money safe in my bag
every morning and every night.
The OCD ritualistic thoughts are frustrating
won't leave me alone;
I had them for a long time.
They have got worst since drinking alcohol
and since I lived on my own.
My anxious mind just can't stop thinking about safety
and it drives me up the bend.
I feel unrested most nights
I feel tired and cant recall much around me in the day;
I can't really enjoy myself and be happy when I'm away from home
the OCD thoughts cross my mind and hit me hard.
My physchatrist told me I need to learn
to switch my OCD thoughts off
I need to feel more calm, write and color again and learn to
meditate let them all pass me by so I can manage better
and enjoy my life.
I get paranoid and feel scared to travel alone
down to my poor eye sight
and other people can see
I'm a easy target in the street.
I just really want to feel free and happy
have adventures again
and go outside in the great outdoors
enjoy socialising and visiting places
with my family and friends;
have fun with my daughter on the beach
enjoy the sunshine.
Learn to read books, do my writing and learn to sing
to help me to create some more positive thoughts
and memories so I can have a peaceful
rest at night and feel more healthy and more alive.
Instead of being stuck in
my flat from morning to night
I feel unsafe to go out anywhere
on my own
with the constant bullying and
nasty threats I get
I never cause anything
to begin with or do
anything wrong anymore
must be just unlucky and have
one of those faces and voices that winds people up
all I ever do is mind my own business
and enjoy walking the fresh air
no one deserves to feel
threatened in this way
I just want to be free
of being stuck in my flat
this year and take that next step
and go out more
and be happy and smile
instead of feeling scared
and worried all the time
that danger could lurk
around me every corner
and its worst for me
as I cant always see
that well anymore
and I just want to
feel more free
to escape
from the hellish
pit of the
OCD mind.

When people keep telling me about why I should
consider moving to a new flat
it just all upsets and angers me,
there are many new things and arrangements
that my brain would have to get use to around me
other than of course me and Sophie feeling safe.
What would my neighbours be like?
whether they will be more quieter or noisier every night.
Whether the place will be too hot or cold
my last flat had a lot of damp which turned into mould;
and affected my breathing and health.
What will the people be like in the local area too?
whether they would be friendly
or unkind when they are talking to me.
Then I would have all my things in my place all rearranged and
moved around again.
I do not wish to move as I finally feel comfortable
I have never felt settled and happy much
as I have been moved from place to place since I was a child.
I have finally in my 3 and bit years found a place that I enjoy living
at and me and Sophie can call our home.
I always put my foot down with my decision over the last 3 years as
Sophie and me are both happy here;
I want her to feel settled in this space.
She will know all her friends and be comfortable when she attends
school which is not far walking distance from our home.
The bus routes are more accessible for us both too we can
eventually travel to the nearby city or town when we both feeling
better and when its needed.
Life is not about having bigger houses as the larger the space the
more isolated and empty you feel,
my family had a large 5 bedroom house when I was a teenager
it always made me feel so lonely and unhappy;
the close connection as a family unit of 4
was no longer there it felt as if it all drifted apart,
we kept to our rooms and we lost the connection that we had
as we were all growing older moving on with all our lives.
My memory in my brain is foggy down to my cyst
I do still remember the happy feelings from time to time
and still smile and have a laugh the main thing is we
keep in touch with one another by phone, video call
and see each other for a catch up every now and then.
Moving to a new place made my personality unstable growing up
as I never knew or felt I ever belonged anywhere and finally I feel a
sense of calm and purpose that this place is now my home I love
the place I live at and Sophie enjoys it too and that is all that really
all that matters in life.
I don't live my life for material possessions or bigger properties.
I am all about feeling comfortable, safe and being real to myself.
Our happiness and good family memories are the main thing we
all share and you never really know what will happen in the future
so you have to make the most of it and enjoy every minute of your
life no matter how difficult it can be.
I want the best for Sophie to get a good education behind her but
more to learn all her important life skills so she can learn to survive.
Having a good education helps in life but she doesn't need a
degree to impress me or Vern she just needs to be happy and have
dreams in life that she wants to follow. I will support her wherever I
can same as vern and the family too. I want her to enjoy life as
being happy and stable is the most important thing not having lots
of money and cutting yourself from other people.
I value human connections and nature way more than money as it
makes me feel happy. I will do the best I can for myself, Vern, my
family and of course Sophie but this is why I put my foot down.

I don't want to move to a new place I am finally feeling settled,
calm and more at peace as this is me and Sophies home.
I feel more comfortable and I am very happy here
and Sophie is too. I may consider moving to a house one day
but more when Sophie is a teenager as she will need more space
it will always be a 2 bedroom and I only will move
if its still situated in the same area.

Moving is a big change in life I don't want Sophie
to feel unsettled she will make friends as she goes school
I want her to keep all that for as long as possible
I want her to achieve all her dreams in life too.
This is why I will not move for a very long time
I am very happy here and this is what we call our home.

My eyes are getting a little stronger each day,
but still can't wait for my treatment to help
control this unusual aliment.
I have had to learn to overcome this problem
its not been easy.
I have learned you can adapt to anything if you try hard
and put your mind really to the test.
My hearing getting a little better
it can still be a challenge to hear in busier environments.
When I get my digital hearing buds and had my medicine for tinnitus I won't look as strange to other people
who would understand my story
as random people often will judge or fear
things that are unusual or out of the norm.
I say people should make their judgements on me
but I can't stand people being rude it's best to be polite
and ask me questions if you are confused
rather than making hurtful  comments.
I never chose to live life like this;
life sadly has chose for me to be this way
I'm making the best of a bad situation
and turning into some positive
by trying my hardest to learn my skills in life
and be the best mum I can be to Sophie.
I made mistakes and trusted the wrong people
we all done things that we regret
and now just trying to fix the broken pieces
and do the best I can with everything
and all I can say is at very least
I'm trying really hard and getting better each day.

I wish I was more adequate in life
not so incompetent at daily tasks.
I find my memory in my brain lets me down
and makes everyone around me wear a frown.

I try so much even to the point where it wears me out.
I can't sleep for long anymore.
I yearn for the day where I can go outside
enjoy the sunshine again without feeling sick
just a basic human right
be able to go out walking with my family.
I really love nature
feel more at peace when I'm outside.  

I struggle to read information and books
so I cant ever really appreciate them as much.
They use to be my main escapism;
I loved reading books when I was younger
I could read well then but things just got a lot harder
the older I got reading things ended up being a chore.
very tiring for me as I couldn't focus for long with my eyes.

I need peace and quiet to be able to absorb what's going on
so I can take in what's being said to me
and picture the story in my head.  
It's hard to do this when everything is noisy
and all of a sudden my eye vision becomes more blurry
that I have to reread each sentence again
to fully understand it all.  
I give up on reading books years a go;
it was just too difficult to do.  
I still have a good vocabulary
and I can still write my thoughts down
and do my writing while I can still do that
my illness has not in fact won me.

I will get to that point where I can enjoy my reading again
and escape in my books when life gets really tough.
I don't really find much pleasure in watching TV
its boring to me
I love listening to music more  
there are some good films or documentaries which I love to watch
from time to time.

I always had an active interest in poetry, dancing, singing and cooking programmes also anything to do with Science, Crime documentaries and phycology too.
The human mind always fascinates me
I love learning about why people behave in a certain way;
I do try to understand other peoples motivations and background to have a greater empathy and learn how to best help them.

I have even helped out my worst enemy before
as I'm a good problem solver, creative and
look at things in a different way to the norm.  
Sadly I am not always the greatest listener
down to my tinnitus which affects my hearing
I'm really not stupid as I look
and can still communicate to other people fairly well.

I find I do bottle up a lot of emotions
which isn't good for my health
and creates negative energy
which affects me and my family;
so I've got to learn to express myself better
and not let my temper get the better of me.
I am in fact a nice lady but I do admit
that I have some anger and paranoia issues
sometimes which I need to learn to deal with
so I can progress and get on better with my life.

It's still all a work progress in my Life as my writing
and singing is which I'm trying to get right.  
I can then be the best mummy I can be to Sophie.
I keep trying with everything and that's the main thing.
I just can't wait to start my treatment
really start living and enjoying life the way it should be
have more time with my family
enjoy the great outdoors also keep pursuing
and working ******* my creative hobbies
my passions for writing, singing and coloring
which I will get even better at once I worked on my hearing
and eye sight issues are sorted out they were always holding
me back at school and in the work place but this year is the year for me to be the best I can be.

Cant wait for the summer finally
going to the beach again.
I love the sand and calm crisp
ocean air its such a bliss.
Cant wait to play with my
daughter and act like a kid again
show her how its really done
when we have our summer fun
just got to wait for my treatment
then I can really enjoy the lovely sun.
The sun rays heal my spirit and
my bones and joints also make me
happy and full of energy.
I always been an outdoor lady
not used to being trapped in
dark rooms and in my home.  
I love nature and being
around animals
the beach calls to me and
is my most favourite place
in the world and where
I feel most at peace.  
I love the warm sunny air
and yummy ice creams
but I can not eat them
down to them being too cold
and it hurts my brain but I
can still appreciate everything
else around me and will
do just that hopefully in June
when the fun can begin for me
just hoping the specialists
can help me and end this torture
so I can finally be free
and happy I intend to enjoy
every moment I've got with
Sophie and my family
you only got one life
so you need to have fun
and be happy.