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Kimberley Leiser Aug 2019
I'm a mother
sing in a choir.
Ex alcoholic and survivor.
Got diagnosed by my GP with bipolar, autism, dyspraxia
and adhd these labels don't in fact define me.
I graduated with a degree
in creative writing and english
Unemployed for 6 years but been jack of most trades
tried most kinds of work including retail,
cleaning and admin looking for work
has been tough going but proud to say
i'm a fighter and keep on trying
have completed an nhs course
volunteered working with the community
When sophie is older
I may even volunteer in my local library.
I am very logical, love routine, punctual
spiritual in my beliefs,
open minded think outside the box
write poems and short stories,
love playing sport
painting, photography
but my down side I
can be impulsive
and impatient need to
learn to take my time
with things.
Kimberley Leiser Aug 2019
Never be a people pleaser
observe before you
invite anyone new to your inner circle.

Friendship and love
shouldn't come with any price tag.

The day when I was a people pleaser
was the day I lost myself
and now I'm just a shadow,

It began when I was 11
I was aware of my body image
got abuse and name calling by other
kids at school; starved myself of food
to make myself look thin;
I figured people would like me more;
then I would finally fit in.
You see it in the magazines and telly
the negative remarks I got of
being fat made me do it.
I refused to eat breakfast or lunch
was pale white and felt like death.
Feeling faint and falling asleep in class:
falling over in the corridor on my ***
doctors said I was anaemic
all it did was make me ill and I felt worst.
It didn't change how people
saw me, I was always alone
and no one really had taken much notice.

The day where I was a people pleaser
it affected my physical and emotional health.
It was the day I lost myself
and now I'm just a shadow.

When 15 I had the right idea
I stopped caring about what people
thought about me
and focused on
what makes me happy
it didn't matter I had no friends.
To beat the loneliness I was busy.
I concentrated on studying
went into my creative writing
played sports loved
physical activity
didn't mingle with the other girls
but it didn't matter;
just enjoyed every minute of running
and playing through the muddy field.

I wish I stayed that girl I was at 15
she had the right idea.

In the last ten years I ended up losing my mind,
reality sunk in
felt like the lost child again
bullied again
for being different,
couldn't stand up for myself
and say NO
I ended up dealing with abuse
from people who I thought were my friends
having problems with dangerous addictions
as I couldn't cope with all the negative emotions.
I know I can't please everyone its impossible!
I wanted to try and be there for everyone
and support them but
in the end I was dead inside
like a lifeless battery
it drained me dry.  
I realize this is
not always a possibility.
My battle to say no to things
I almost ended up losing my life.

When I was a people pleaser
it almost cost me my life.
I lost my self and now I'm only a shadow.

It took time to assess the situation
when I woke up in hospital.
You must be able to look after yourself first
before you can help anyone else.
You can not take away anyone else's pain
or make them happy
they have to do it for themselves
but you can be there for them on the other end of the phone
or have a chat over coffee.

Friendship and love doesn't come with a price tag
the moral is don't people please
observe and be there
and keep your circle of friends small
or your lose your soul and be the shadow.
Kimberley Leiser Mar 2019
Cant bear to hear the voices;
dragging me down;
feeling the failure!
Voices mock me                                                               ­                    make me frown
nothing ever goes right:
want to keep on                                                               ­                     
with the fight,
be strong                                                           ­                                   
move on                            
with my life
there is something
that stops me when I
find happiness negativity                                                       ­             
cuts me like a fine knife  
anxiety makes me feel on edge;
paranoia makes me question
and sabotage everything
depression lowers me
to the point where I
feel lack of energy
or empathy any more
If anything I want                                                             ­                        to sleep in bed                                                              ­                           not feel this dread
I use to medicate
myself with beer
and pain relief
taking any medicines
I can get to feel no pain
To feel no shame                                                            ­                        
for the anxiety         
to go away
but it never went
only made me forget                                                           ­                   
the symptoms
the mania I get                                                              ­                          feel a hint of euphoria
but later irritated
over ****** and frustrated,
the world is moving too slow
Im obsessed and sometimes
delusional: the demons are smiling  
they've won the battle but not the war when they took over my mind; for a short while but since sophie was born
and my life almost thrown away
at the age 28 I decided to give life another go and work hard to live an cleaner life the best I can                                                              smile more even when I'm low be grateful                                        

I'm still alive and here
want to feel I have a bright future
now with a baby and boyfriend
that  loves and understands me
its hard sometimes

when you can feel the bad memories resurface,
negative vibes in my mind
hit me like a bullet or cut me like a knife
want to keep telling them not today
that I will not fall to their darkness and decay
that they can't beat me and that
I'm no longer a failure
but a fighter still here to tell her tale;
despite all the *******
and people grinding me down
over the years;
bringing me to tears
I tell myself each day that
I'm a fighter and I'm still here.
Kimberley Leiser Mar 2019
When sophie gets older;
I want to be seen as her
mother, a guide,
friend and teacher
in Life not here to
restrain and stop her
doing the things she loves
but there will be some
guidelines to keep
her safe; I want her to learn
and keep moving forward when
she makes mistakes
something I've always
found tough also  learn to clean
and cook her own meals
so she can be independent
and fend for herself when
Life gets rough;
Kimberley Leiser Mar 2019
Believe me when I say this i've seen them all;

I'm now more wary of the players
the ones that make themselves look good,
make out their the real deal;
boast about the size of their ****
and about the way they look
but rarely these men commit;
they prone to cheat and play
callously with your heart.  

I'm more weary now of the narcissistic charmers
their acid tongue and good looks
might just fool you
into believing they love you
and that you have a chance with them;
then if you don't give into
their demands they make
you look bad; they blackmail
and lie to crush you

I'm more weary of the stalkers,
the guys that won't let go determined
to follow your every move
smoother and make you feel uncomfortable always
wanting to be in full control  
and won't allow you to see family and friends
not without them being present there with you.

I'm now more weary of the time wasters;
the ones that are not sure about
whether they want to commit to you
or stay with you for long only when
it suits them.

when I go for a man as my king I like a man
I can have a good banter with;
a man who loves the whole of me;
not just parts my body; someone that makes me
laugh and checks on me every day
to see if I'm doing okay.
Kimberley Leiser Mar 2019
For Aimee's birthday the plan was to get her first tattoo. She was a blond hair lady with a wide bust, huge hips and big *****. Her ***** were one of her best assets she loved to see her body as her canvas her  piece of art; she got her  mind set on getting a rose and heart near her ***** and chest.

She went online booked an appointment in the nearest tattoo parlour to book her consultation to meet the tattoo artist who will be working on this project with her and this was where she met MR Pain.

MR Pain was an  average built man with some muscle tone on his legs and arms. He had tattoo's covering every flex of his body. He wasn't much of the talker in the first meeting more of a quiet and down to earth man. He asked

“ Okay what part of your body would you want the tattoo?”  

“She shyly said “my *****”

His eyes gleamed started to fixate on them as he chuckle

“ well that can be arranged”
I hope you have you brought a design or a piece of artwork with you so I can see a visual design of what you what to have done on your skin”

she took out the picture, he attentively looked at it for half hour and said

“heart and a rose…
this…
could take a few sessions…  
depends on how much detail you want in your design”

He randomly blurted out

“Mmm… I love your *****”.

“More to the point – serious question would you to be able to take on pain? think about it first.

I could show you want you be facing up to with an early demonstration just sign the contract it'll be my treat for your 18th birthday do you fancy hooking up for a drink at my place”

Aimee couldn't see much in the contract the print was tiny; she felt his warm gaze and grin darting around her as she tried to make out what it was saying. His eyes hypnotic and calculating

“Do we have a deal!”

Aimee smiled and nodded she signed her name and said
“can see no wrong in that” its only a drink”

Mr Pain with rasping voice replied

“Excellent!”

Aimee shyly said “should I bring anything with me?”

Mr Pain shrugged

“Nah, I got plenty of drink”
everything we need is here at my place,
don't worry bring yourself
will order a taxi my treat”.

As soon as Aimee got home she had  a bath in honey and milk bath oil. Her ***** were like two huge sunken peaches glazed out in the sun. She got out of her bath robe and placed a long black dress and heels with pink lipstick.  All ready for the evening, she entered the taxi the driver was glaring at her  through the mirror

“You look nice!
“where you going to?”
Aimee gave him the slit of paper with Mr Pain's home address:

the cab driver looked horrified
he silently started to mutter to himself

“that place”,
“another victim;
she’s the third woman this week  
I would be careful with MR Pain,
“I have heard many stories”

Aimee shrugged

“Are you sure?
Can't be the same man
I know ”

Taxi driver shook his head.

“For **** sake
another dippy girl,
what's the world coming to
this is why I hate my job”

He opened up the cab door. Aimee stepped out the taxi

“Thanks for the tip.
Have a good evening.
be careful hunny”  

III MR Pain's Headquarters

Mr pain was waiting outside in the garden.  Dressed head to toe black. His grin slightly twisted and eyes gleaming in the sunlight.  

“Good of you to make it.
Aimee looking beautiful,
make yourself  comfortable.
I will be back with you shortly
I'm with another client.

Aimee waited in the living room for mr pain she could hear random screams and sound of crashing whips from downstairs wailing sounds of another lady
crying out
“ yes master will do what you want”

Aimee was  shaken up by the noise but turned on by the intensity of it all. She laid on the sofa and circled around her ******* with her fingers while doing this she was unaware mr pain was watching her through the CCTV camera. His voice loud and commanding

“I take it your ready for the demonstration”

Aimee stopped what was she was doing
feeling startled by his voice and stammering

“Yes- I - am”  

“Excellent – it may surprise you,
put the blindfold on it is on the table
there will be someone that will
take you through to the main room”

Aimee was feeling anxious and shaken now there were so many things going through her mind

what was the demonstration about ?
Why was there whips and screams?
why was the taxi driver talking
about girls being victims  

“I feel tired mr pain
wish to go home”

“Nonsense you got here,
your not going anywhere
you'll love it”

The figure placed the blindfold over her eyes; led her through a dark tunnel. The room was a cold and damp there were two other girls  with blindfolds being chained and whipped to the wall. Their skin looked as if they had at least 2 lashings a day from the whip there were bite marks and bruises around their body pleasure apparently was substituted equally with the pain. Mr pain got his whip ready; Aimee could not believe what she was seeing around her.  

“Your a fraud, your no tattoo artist
your a *******
a dangerous man
I knew I should have listened
to the taxi driver”

Mr pain voice raspy but more commanding now

“Yes you should have your going no where until my little demonstration is complete
then you can go free ”

He took out the gag from his pocket and placed it on her mouth so she could not speak, grabbed out the  whip and gave her a lashing; followed by gnawing on her ******* and chest;

“You feel what pain is"

He laid her on the table restrained her arms and legs she can not move and fight his advances. He licked her *******; making his way to her ***** licking up and down then in circular movements while Aimee was moaning she started to ***; he then took out what looked to be a huge ***** from the cupboard; pushing it into her ***** her eyes rolled to the side she started to squirm, she didn't know whether to squeal or scream  as pleasure and pain were intensified and felt equal in measure. His **** grew in size with now a huge  hunger in his eyes he pushed his **** further into her making her legs weak and squeal he could feel her heat up and ****** all over the table: he then rolled her to the side and pushed his **** into her *** pushing it all the way in he could now hear her muffled squeals as he fill her up with his ***.

“Demonstration is over; your free to go: taxi will pick you up, its up to you if you return for more but if you say anything about this; I will find you and you'll be back here and will belong to me”  

Aimee quickly put her dress on her. Looking shaken and tired, bruises and marks on her sweat and *** on her too she went straight for the cab. The driver took pity on her and didn't charge her  for the ride.  It was all a distant black memory she didn't say a thing. it was all a blur, a dark secret she was worried about the other girls; did they escape in the end from the crutches of mr pain or did they chose to stay there with him: she was just happy to escape and be free.
Kimberley Leiser Mar 2019
Huge shame this morning
to hear the legend
Keith Flint the rave vocalist
of The Prodigy pass through
to the other side.  

Brought tears to my eyes.
been a fan since I was 13
brought all the cd's,
brought a smile
fuelled my desire to dance.  
  
His band The Prodigy's music
radiates pure energy in a fast cycle of
beats per minute,
taking you to another place,
a new high,
so addictive.  
It makes you want
to dance in the club,
makes you want a mosh
in one of their concerts;  
makes you want to get your body
moving in every way
even exercise in the gym
you can not resist the beats
making you move your feet,
the rhythm makes you want to
move fast, oh how much
you want that sensation to last.  
Keith Flint's vocal's  
blast out into fire,
the vocal growls
makes your hair stand on end,
the video trippy  
full of sounds and
bright bold colours,
exploring an whole
another world. 
whole new universe dimension  
Amazing vocalist, amazing band
such a shame to lose and too soon,
I never got a chance to
see you mate at one of your gigs
and meet you in person
RIP Keith Flint hope you
have you an amazing
flight to the dance floor
in the sky.
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