Addiction to alcohol,
took its ugly toll.
Everything was
grey and black,
while sipping
pint after pint
dead of night,                                  
nothing would go right.

Waking up to morning migraines,
bruises on my swollen legs,  
pains in my chest;
shaky hands and sweats,
with no money left
except for a few penny's
memories of the night before a knew the score! some were good...some were very bad... but usually not that many I can remember.

Being the servent to devil's brew,
can lead to the darkest of avenues,
when you can no longer pay,
for the lifestyle,
you drink in the street,
sell yourself cheap,  
relationships are abusive,
opportunities are missed.  
You argue and alienate yourself
with the ones you love,
being the loner;
you feel no one cares
no one listens to you
no one is home.



My personal hygiene was the first to thing go,
my hair was greasy.  
over weight
I was constantly sweating  
got tooth decay                                 
ashamed to bare a grin
in case people mocked
and laugh at me.   

And mentally I felt drained;
nothing was ever worth the fight,
I felt nothing inside
wanted to go bed and hide.
Unable to turn off the mental abuse,
I couldn't write or think logic
threats, voices and paranoia  
consumed my head,
jump to conclusions
before anything was said.

To conquer a dangerous cycle of
emotional toxic drinking
is to start thinking smart,
To forgive not forget, 
Bare no grudges,                                                  
self awareness
meditation,                                        
write your triggers.

Drinking for me
was a way of socializing
with friends,
dealing with anxiety,
to help me forget the bad,
in the end all drinking did to me
if anything made me sad,
live my life in regret,   
live my life in shame,  
live my life in fear.
I didn't need alcohol to fit in
with friends in the end,
I lost interest in all my passions in life. Music, Dancing, poetry  and Open Mic.  Nothing I tried excited me no more; I felt numb.
I no longer able to write
or recite anything,
words and thoughts became jumbled
and abstract in my mind.  
I lost the way, I lost my identity
I lost my self respect,
pint after pint;
every day suffering from amnesia,
more confusion not knowing
who I am?  where I am?
I became angry and irritable
at even the slightest thing,
emotionally hurting people
that got in the way
only mission for the day
was to survive and                            
chase the next fix.

Was it really worth it in the end,
chasing that unachievable high
when in reality you felt like you were really going around in circles
over an cliff.  

I believe the hugest high in life fulfilling the ultimate purpose,
An real dream,
being the mother to my
beautiful daughter Sophie,
having people in my life that loves
and respects me and of course being able to communicate and write again.

Can't beat a good vinyl and CD,
how music use to be.
The first thing you see is a bit of art
from your favourite band,
where you place your hand,
on the vinyl and CD disk
insert it into the player
boom first track zooms
into action, no interruptions,
no distractions in the beats,
as long you take care of the disc
the crisp, clear quality
in the music will keep.

The reality is hitting home,
music is changing
all the time.
Music is being recorded and purchased
through the miracle of the wide web.

This is not a new phenomenon
you can learn and listen to
something new every day.

On one hand you
can make some great
beats even recording
on your mobile phone.

You can buy any instrument
you want to purchase through websites
pay any time and any where
you like
It will be posted
to your home.
No hassel,
no queues;
the small price and shame
is when you hear wonderful music places
are never the same!

In the early noughties
music shop's was the place to be
hook up for a day
sample and play
vinyl and records,
listen to new beats
play and buy an new instrument,
word of mouth about
new bands,  
connect for hours with other music fans
about what you enjoy
and what you like to hear play
on the airwaves.

It's different nowadays
we can promote
at the comfort of home,
connect through laptop
and phone screen.

Create band page's,
blogs, post online
reviews. Share video's
to broadcast the sounds,
and ideas to upcoming stages.

Hell yeah music will always be here,
there is no fear,
when there is local gigs, music clubs
and open mics, playing the music
all year taking you to new thrills,
higher heights,
keep that magic alive,
support your local music scene.

Getting better as a mum;
learning to strengthen
my knee and arm
muscles each day,
with weights and my
exercise bike.

I can run with
my little lady when
she's older and we can
go out and play.

I'm learning to flex,
my creative sights.
Reading and talking to her
singing funny nursery rhymes .
Who cares if my singing voice
isn't even any good,
she will be my only judge.
I want her to smile and laugh
that's my mummy up there
flexing her hands to the mike.

I'm finally learning to get her clothes
and ***** on right,
making sure her feeds are on time.
Learning to cook will be
the next thing on my list
then I can conjure up a
mighty fine dish.

Always found learning
practical tasks difficult
to master; its a challenge
every day to live
with dyspraxia.
I will get there in
my own special way.

When i've built my strength up;
I can take her out
in her pram for the day.
Enjoying the sunshine,
grand adventures in
the great outdoors,
exploring nature and woods.

Or we can explore how
chocolate is made.
Explore the gravity rush
adrenaline thrill
of theme park rides,
the possibilities
are endless and fun,
being a full time mum.

Music in the club was booming.
High energy rush,
makes you work up a sweat,
a very good beat,
will make you stamp your feet.
Oh DJ can you
play classic rock.
Some old school ballads,
guitar licks,
coupled with a little bit
of naughtiness.

Maybe play us some punk,
something loud!
something proud!                                                                              
Music I can pogo to
in a circle of friends.
A real head rush
raw energy that
makes you want
to shout!

Oh yeah music
is a real rush.
Its all in the beat man,                                                                    
repeat it's all in the beat
lets us stamp our feet.

Sophie cries are on cue,
every three hours feed is due.
She loves my mood candle
turning from red, orange to blue
her smile lights up she
spots her reflection,
she sighs
a happy giggle,
she waves her hands
at the elephant
and the giraffe,
each day making her
her mummy laugh.
Being bold but not too loud,
making her voice stand out
she loves being tickled
on her feet and fighting
the toys in her play gym
already keeping in trim
my angel, my little fighter
listen to mummy and daddy
we will be guide you through
this thing we call LIFE one
page at a time.

Red and pink
ember aura
now radiating from
both our physical bodies.
I can see
room turn dark
and into blackness
for a moment
entering into the
realm of unknown
then All I see is your warm
glow and grin,
feel your arms
stretch and
comfort around me.
The room heating
up, feeling sweats
but feeling the
intense energy flow
that shared around ,
bodies heating up
and touching like
magnets, making contact
with eyes and mouth
firing up around each other,
to a point where
energy has crossed over
to one another
making new LIFE