There’s nothing I remember, so I shall invent a life.
It all starts with a dichotomy. Speech, lack of speech.
Logos, preceded by the lack thereof.
A heartbeat, maybe, echoing to form a vowel.
And then a sigh, with inexplicably twisted tongue.
“I”…
I…
I’ll tell you. Raising a finger from my desk.
I’ll tell you how it began. I was in the dark, and decided I had had enough of it.
I flipped on a lamp at my side and began to write.
There weren’t any words yet, but there were symbols for sounds, and that was close enough for now.
I pressed enter, and the message flew to a compatriot.
Or an enemy. This flush dichotomy of forms abounds!
I hold my breath and wait.
Waiting, for a response.
Waiting, to imagine words I’ll never hear.
And the light hums.
I…
What is it, inside that filament
which speaks?
What is every minute morsel of matter telling me about my beginning?
I’m not sure I want to read it, when my phone shakes.
But that’s what that behavior dictates.
A laugh, a cold analysis, a response.
This could go on indefinitely.
I don’t even know where you are in the world.
I’ll never see you.
I think of a more advanced dichotomy, I read about.
It was attributed to Freud.
A baby masters the objective universe through two utterances
in a ball game.
Fort… gone.
Da… there.
For now, these words are silent, but if I were in a crib
You would be the breast I long to devour,
The meaning I would choose to fill my mouth with
Muffled exclamations:
DADADADADADADA!
And I cry. But I don’t know what this all means to you.
Because I haven’t told you with electronic signs.
I’m not sure the word “to cry” carries any meaning.
It just stands in for fear.
Fear of being alone in the world, with the dark,
And no logos.
But I could go on for days reading walls of text on webpages developed by people
who have long since died.
I can summon the likeness of every celebrity onto a screen
rubbing my ***** while I look at them.
I can hear the music—
I CAN HEAR THE MUSIC—
Of all the world, vibrating. Rhythms contracting, like vulvas after birth.
And the silky, black discharge is this emotion in my brain after I think of you.
I created you with my words.
I illuminated my world with the thought of you.
And now I have nothing to say to the creature I created.
I am in horror before you.
Fort, fort, fort, away!
You have left me, without ever being present.
You were here, you were gone, I had no control.
And when I weep, the fear drowns the sun’s luminescence
The clouds hide the sky
The air sculpts my lungs
With emptiness
after words have come out.

London subway
metro train station connection,
busy off-peak City rush,
escalator packed, another northern crush.
Ticket barrier blockade,
pass through tomorrow not today.
Police at the exits,
a black sea of law abiding abyss,
protectors of the peace.
Another announcement over the crowd,
“Platform 2 is closed for the storm cloud to be cleared”.

Body parts have spread
over carriage doors,
torn from their sockets,
slipping pictures from necklace lockets.

The time that you'll tell me goodbye
and ask me gently please don't cry,
I'll bring a smile and give a real try
and tell you- look, I'm not crying,

I'll be lying
I'll be lying
I'll be lying

If tomorrow
on another arms
you feel the same love
feel the same warmth

and if   I ask you this
do you remember me!
you simply say- no
you forgot the time,

You'll be lying
You'll be lying
You'll be lying

And if the morning says
Forget the dawn,
enjoy the sun and
die on the throne
and if I also say
I forgot the way ,
the way I never walked
without crying,

I'll be lying
I'll be lying
I'll be lying.....

Judy sat
in one of the seats
in the pub garden
and spoke

of the university course
she was going for
in the late summer
and you sat opposite her

watching her as she spoke
taking in her blue eyes
and her little quaint nose
and her dark hair

held back
with blue ribbons
and you remembered
the kisses

of the evening before
while she waited with you
while you waited
for the bus back to town

and how that last kiss
was held by you
all the way home
and packed away

in the mind
in that part
you keep
for good moments

and she stopped talking
and sipped her Coke
and you said
you want to be a lawyer?

yes
she said
I’ve always wanted
to be lawyer

even as a little girl
and you tried
to imagine her
in wig and gown

in some high court
cross examining
some criminal
or maybe defending one

and she said
I got that parcel
you sent me
that Mahler 6th symphony

in the box
you smiled
you shouldn’t
waste your money

on me  
she said
I’m not worth it
of course you are

you replied
no I’m not
she said
but I love you

you said
I know
but although
I like you

I can’t  say
I love you
as easy as you
say you love me

and she sipped her drink
and you sipped your beer
and you wondered
if you would ever hear

her say the words to you
but she never did
and so at the end
of the year

after the Christmas gift
she gave you
and the farewell kiss
you never saw her anymore

some things you want
you can’t have
no matter how much
you adore.

I said that I would wait.
I put it down in words.
Even though the distance was slowly and painfully beginning to settle in,
I said I would wait.

I promised that regardless of what happened,
I’d wait,
Because somewhere, deep inside me, I knew we were worthy of it.

I returned,
Heavy bag in hand, tired eyes, heart full of hope,
But you weren’t waiting.

You stopped waiting.
You didn’t even have the courage to tell me about her.
After all our history, the years, the growing, the learning, the tears,
I thought you’d maybe wait.

But you didn’t.
You were gone before I could even touch you, smell you,
Hold you.

You didn’t wait.
And now, I sit here.  
I sit and wait,
I wait…
And wait…
But I’m not sure what I’m waiting for.

Because you were gone before I could even whisper “wait”.

I used to do
a little bit
of drugs,
and even though
they didn't wreck me
too bad,
I gave them up,
but I like
to get high,
so I have invented
the imaginary drug experience,
and what you do
is to say the name
of the drug, inside,
as you breathe out,
and then,
holding your nostrils open,
you forcefully inhale, fast,
in other words,
snort,
the air,
and my notion is
that the body/mind
will understand
that you want this drug
and it will produce
an endorphine,
(brain chemical),
which is like a mild form
of that drug,
and then,
you get a little bit high,
but it's awfully subtle,
so you have to be aware,
and there
you have it,
safe dope,
and you can't
get busted.