when I picture my future
you're in it
as a consoling
comforting
friend

when I picture my future
you're in it
as
mine
smiling at me
loving me

when I picture my future
you're in it
over long distant phone
calls and bittersweet
memories

when I picture my future
you're in it
walking away with
half my heart
leaving me half
of yours

when I picture my future
I
feel pain
sadness
love
joy
but no regret

because

when I picture my future
you're in it

~
Her eye's on
you

& she can see
no further
~

you're gone
but all too
*Present

even
the
fairest
of the fair
still
asks

*her mirror

I've become used to chipped nail polish
Accustomed to tapping my feet and fingers
Never smiling
Biting my lip until I taste that
oh, so familiar,
morsel of blood

I'm used to being nervous
am I good enough?
I'm used to rejection
I'm not good enough

But, he never rejected me

I hide myself under an ugly sweater
an itchy, ugly sweater
And what lies beneath the sweater,
makes me nervous

Everything makes me nervous.

But, he accepted me
and my ugly sweater

I expect to hurt
I'm used to putting a bandage
wherever it stings
Hoping it heals
Only to pick at the scabs
When I'm nervous

But, he never hurt me

I've become used to being abandoned
I accepted the fact that
no one can love me
And I'm too nervous to love others

But,

When I met him,
I stopped chipping at my nail polish
I quit tapping my fingers and feet
I refrained from biting my lip
All of my scabs healed
I wasn't afraid to go outside
I was no longer afraid to take the elevator
He loved who I was
And I was able to love him in return
And
I smiled
Even under my ugly sweater

i am trying
too hard to
be too much