The nurses check my pulse as I lie on the cot they run me down the hall on
I can’t feel anything…my neck, my arms, my legs…what happened to me?
I remember feeling so depressed it was crippling
I remember having a couple glasses of wine whilst chatting with come online friends
I remember reviewing some other author’s short stories instead of writing my own

I remember the grotesque ,***** ,butterfly, ***** feeling in my stomach
I remember wanting to cry for no reason…
These feelings haven’t been within my body for at least the past 6 months
Not since crazy Arizona guy broke up with me when I called him out on his abusive ways
No, this was similar, but different.

Lately I’ve been stressed about financial issues
But what else is new?
I’m reviewing other dark works and getting paid very little
What else is new?
People are stealing my blogs for their own because they have no imagination
What else is new?

Eat ****: I’m moving to Korea
My big bang for 2016
Welcome to book #4….

February 14th, a day most singles despise themselves
Everyone hopes to have that one special person with them like any other holiday:
Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years: we don't want to be alone
I have had one Valentine my entire life thus far and he wasn't even a good one
This year: 2014, I am my own Valentine!

I cooked myself a healthy meal to show my body I love it
I spoiled myself with an expensive bottle of red wine
And bought myself a bouquet of flowers to love myself
A small light meal of candied yams, kale and fruit salad and a couple glasses of Spanish Red Wine
Allowed me to relax in my own womanly self

We are all created from love, therefore we are love
If we hate a day of love then we hate ourselves
Everyday is a day of love and hope
If we despise ourselves everyday, then we deny ourselves love and hope

We are love and therefore give, receive and take love
When we deny loving ourselves daily; we deny love completely
Don't let the title of this poem fool you, for this poem is truly about love
Happy ******* Valentine's Day! I love you!

Since we’ve been reunited
I feel as if I walk taller than I ever have before
My soul is so happy that it dances
It’s been so long since I’ve felt this happy
I’m walking on air, because an old friend has returned

You may have won the battle, but you lost the war!
I believe in relationship karma,
And you finally got what was coming to you
After fighting you for two years,
I have finally gotten what I deserve: Peace and Justice!
I can now lay down my sword and rest
The fighting has come to an end
I won! And now I can walk with a smile
The burden has been lifted

All I have left is my faith
Everything else has been taken from me
Music and God is all I have left
Nothing else matters

When Walli walked into my life
I knew things were different
I knew I was supposed to leave this depressing city
I knew my dreams were still breathing
Alive somewhere under all my tears
I knew I had to keep pushing and not look back

It was time to turn and face the music
Become who I was called to be
I am working harder than ever for that now
God you are my every thing
My all in all
The only piece of faith I have left

Gypsy girl or Zombie?
I choose to live again and be free
I will no longer be the living dead
Walking around with no heart beat
I choose to be courageous

All I know is I can’t turn back
God won’t allow me to abort my plan this time
There is no letting go this time
It’s time to follow my destiny
I have to go through with it this time

God will always find me
No matter what path I take
My destiny will always find me
Standing on the edge and ready to fall
God will always save me

This time I will go
This time I will listen
I’m done falling to pieces for now
Now I can see what is in front of me
No more short-cuts
No more excuses
My fate is sealed

When you need me, I won’t be there
When you open your eyes to the real world
I won’t be there
When she leaves you crying and broken
I won’t be there
When you finally remember who you are
I won’t be there

In six months, I won’t be here
I will leave a note on my door reading,
*Gone to the ocean without you

I’m the type to say I told you so
I’m not the one who changed, you did
I still walk the narrow road and stay true to myself
You changed for the worst
You’re someone I don’t recognize
You no longer live with a shimmering spirit
One day you are going to wake up and realize
You’re not allowed to be mad at me anymore

Have you removed your ***** from her pocket yet,
And placed them back on your body so you can be a person again?
You need to be your own person now
Not just at work but in the real world too
You deserve better!

As your friend I am not asking I am telling you
Leave her and save what dignity you have left
Learn to respect yourself again and finish what you’ve started
Unfinished dreams and projects
Respect yourself!

I am not asking you to leave her because I like you
I am telling you to leave her because it is in your best interest
I am telling you to leave her because you need a positive environment
And if I was with her I would be drunk and ****** all the time too
I know what you’re going through

Leaving someone you love more than they love you
It’s hard
I’ve been emotionally, mentally and verbally abused too
It’s hard
I’ve been where you are and I know it’s hard
Leave now while you’re still alive!

I’m still waiting for comfort with butterflies
I’ve had comfort, complete comfort with someone
And comfort with stomach flips
Comfort with stomach flips usually means something is wrong
The comfort with butterflies lasts for a short time
And the butterflies turn to stomach flips
I want the butterflies to stay
I want the comfort to stay
I want comfort with butterflies

I’ve been thinking all day, thinking too much
I am not thinking logically!
I am still searching for a reason to stay in this dumb ****** up city!
What am I waiting for? Another chance with a man who doesn’t love me?
I can’t sit around and wait for him to figure things out
I need to do something for me now
I need to follow my dreams and stop letting things hold me back
I found an open window to climb through
So I’m going to climb through it
Alex will not hold me back
Benji will not hold me back
Betty will not hold me back
I need to climb through the window and not look back

I just want to breathe again
I don’t know how I’ll get by
But I’ll somehow pull myself together
I can’t escape you right now, but I will eventually
I will fill the space you left behind
The light will go on and I will figure it out

Right now I’m in another world
My mind has left Seattle and I am somewhere else
Nothing is like it was and I am waiting for grace
I’ve lost everything
I just want to hear your voice again
Feel your embrace
If I want to breathe again
I have to wake up!

My heart may not make it
My brain works, my arms work, my legs work
My heart may not come back to life
I waited too long to tell you how I really feel
And now you may not come back either
Without you I may never recover
Not in the way that is suitable for love

I miss my little piece of sunshine
My heart doesn’t beat now
It didn’t beat with you either
But that’s because you took my breath away
I my heart will never be the same
I will never be the same

I want to live on my own, by my own person
I am ready to begin my life without the pain
I am fighting to keep my head above water
I am trying to delete you from my life
Throw out the pictures and drawings and poetry
But I can’t throw out the mental pictures
The emotional memories
The verbal poetry that reverberates in my ears

I can delete you from my computer
I can throw away the pictures and poems and paintings
But when I close my eyes, you’re there
When I go to sleep you’re still there
When I walk around my cold lonely apartment, you’re there
You are still all around me and I don’t know what to do with it
I don’t know how to let it go, even though I have tried

I have tried seeing other people
I have tried dating other people
But no one feels right
It doesn’t feel right
They are not my best friend, there is no connection
They are not right, nothing in my life right now is right

I’m not writing the dreams down anymore
I don’t feel the need to, not since you’re with her
The dreams no longer reflect anything important to me
They are only dreams, things that I wish would happen
Things I wish you would say to me
I do not keep track of them anymore
I hardly keep track of you
I love you, but I can’t sit here and watch you ruin your life
Watching you ruin your life ruins my life
I have a life to live, I want to go live it
And I will
While you stay here in Seattle wallowing
I will be traveling the world at the top of my game
I will live our dream for you

The girl dancing on top of the table thinks she’s the hottest girl in the room
But in the end she’s the only one standing alone
I don’t want to stand alone
I don’t want to dance on top of the table by myself
I want to feel like the prettiest girl in the room when I stand next to you
I want your blue eyes to look at me like you’ve just met me
Like its love at first sight and you can’t live without me
Because I don’t want to live without you
I can barely breathe without you
It’s been a year and a half of torment without you
Just when I feel like I can breathe again
My heart stops

I need a winner
I have a big string of losses and I need a win
I thought you were my winner
You were the one person I didn’t have to worry about
I lost you anyway
I lost my dreams and inspiration

TV makes this city look so much more glamorous than it is
Makes Seattle look pretty and nice
This city is not pretty and nice
The people are not pretty and nice
TV lies, dreams lie, people lie
For a while, my life was one big lie

I will not miss this city when I leave
I may see it on TV and remember it
But I will not miss it
I will not miss the lies that were told to me
I will not miss the lie that I lived
I have regained my strength and inspiration
And an looking forward to the string of wins

I’ve been so consumed in my pain
I didn’t even notice the leaves had changed
Looked out my window to find the leaves yellow and orange
In the blink of an eye spring turned to fall
It’s time for a new season

I was just a pawn in your passion play
I was your lesson to learn
And now I am left with nothing
My heart broke in three places when you left

I ***** for a bottle of shattered dreams
I reach for my head which is filled with outrage
This poor body screams in agony
Broken and ill
I hope she leaves you empty handed just as you left me

I feel like my life is an open book all of a sudden
Everyone knows who I am, what I am
Where I’m going and who I’m going with
This city is too small to hide in
And it makes me want to *****
Makes me want to cry, scream, throw things against the wall
But I know I have to be strong for everyone else
I feel like I can’t let anyone down
I can’t show my weaknesses
Not now, not yet
I’m not ready for that

I’ve exposed too much as it is
I’ve allowed people to know too much
I trust that they won’t exploit me
But I do not trust myself

God help me!
I need your guidance; I need your strength to be who you created me to be
I need your love and happiness to keep me going
I see my world being turned upside down!
Everything is changing so quickly!
So rapid and so unfair
I need to breathe, I need a break, I need escape
Bring me peace and confidence
Bring back the joy that once filled this empty heart

I’m feeling very distressed and confused
I don’t recognize these feelings and I don’t know what to do with them
All I know to do is write it down
No one has been able to make me feel better
And everyone tells me to walk away
I don’t like these feelings, I don’t like where they’re going
All I want is support and happiness
None of which is being given to me
The one person I need to contact is out of reach
I am a mess and I have to work through it on my own
I’ve pushed everyone away because I’ve been let down
It’s been a tough recovery, and I am going crazy
I need something good to happen
I need some good news
I need a good reason to let go and leave it behind
That reason has not revealed itself to me yet
I wish I could let it go, I wish I could let Alex go
I don’t know how to let him go
I’ve tried, again and again I’ve tried
I don’t know why I keep hanging on
I guess it’s because I have never known that kind of love before
And when it’s the love you’ve been asking for all your life
It’s not easy to walk away from
I wish I could take my friends advice and just walk away
I am not angry with him, so I don’t have a reason to walk away
He is not dating anyone, so I have no reason to walk away
I can love again, but it won’t be as awesome as that
I am not afraid to love again, I just know it won’t come anywhere near as awesome
They say we only get one perfect love, I lost mine
My perfect love was taken away from me
And now I am expected to just walk away
Your perfect love is the hardest thing to walk away from

God is going to bless me with so much
I don't know when and I don't know what
But I know God is going to do great things for me
He is going to bless me with beautiful visions
And a beautiful future
I am blessed and I am recieving blessings every day

I have many things to look forward to
And I can't wait to see what will happen 
God, make me extrodinary
Guide me in the way I should go
Make me shine the way you need me to shine
Make your home in me and renew this temple

It’s hard to say exactly how I was feeling today
When I saw you admit that you had actually made a mistake
You humbled yourself and admitted you were wrong?
You admitted you messed up? Mr. Perfect? NO!
I was glad for a little while, pleased that you had finally fallen
Pleased that you were hurt in the same way you hurt me

Later, my heart softened
After I yelled at you in my head
Reminding you that you made a mistake when you left me
Your life fell apart when you left me
You are where you are now because you left me
Back to feeling sorry for yourself
Back to the drugs, alcohol and girls
Broke, no life, and about to lose everything

My life is OK, better than yours anyway
I’m still here, but you’re too proud
I still love you, but you’re too proud
Drop your guard and humble your heart
Admit that what you’re doing to yourself is wrong
What others have done to you and me was wrong
That the path you have chosen to live is wrong

I told you that you were going to do this
But you never listen
You never heeded my warnings and dove in head first
I won’t rub your nose in it, I think what you’re going through is punishment enough
But I don’t feel sorry for you either
My heart hurts for you, which leaves me a little bitter and confused
I feel some compassion for you because I love you
But these feelings also confuse me

I should be leaping for joy that you’re hurt
I should be malicious and excited
But I am not
When you truly love a person, you hurt for that person
These are new feelings for me
And I do not understand them
I do not understand this feeling of being compassionate
for someone who hurt me so badly!
I guess that shows how much I’ve changed
And how much you really mean to me

I’m getting tired of writing these monologues in my head
Over and over again I write them!
Only to become so aggravated that I cannot speak them
Even in my drunken bliss
I am tired of repeating myself
Over and over again

The things I long to say to you but do not dare
These are things I must keep to myself
And you must figure out on your own
I want to yell at you! I want to scream at you!
Throwing my fists electrically through the air
But it would do no good
You would shut down and not listen
Yelling would get us no where…

I forgot how much you like to drive
You always said that driving gave you a sense of freedom
It made you feel better
Blasting your music and singing
The smell of burning rubber coming off the tires
The wind on your face when the window is down
And the wiper blades squeaking as they wipe off the rushing Seattle rain

Driving fast helps you breathe
Calms you down, helps you focus
Just continue talking to me
And drive back to me when you’re no longer sad

I love it when you surprise me
Showing up at the café to say, “HI”
Taking a chance that I may be working
You came in the other day on your own accord
No one was with you this time
I was on your mind and you wanted to say, “HI”

It’s one of the best days I’ve had since we broke up
It shows that you’re coming around
The frustrating part is that you’re still fighting me
So determined to be single
You’re fighting your feelings when you should really just let go!

I haven’t felt single this entire week
Even though we broke up

I didn’t feel single until today
When I saw your status change
Who’d have thought that a status change would be the breaking point?
The point where you almost feel like giving up
The point where your heart actually feels broken
And there’s a pain in your stomach

I’m past the point of being sad
And I don’t quite feel empty
And I don’t feel like I’ve lost anything
But I do feel angry
I do feel like I’ve been ****** around
I do feel lied to
And that pit in my throat is forming again
Making me want to *****

I still have faith in myself and our friendship
But do you?

Just being you, you leave me breathless
Looking at your picture makes me smile
Holding your hand walking next to you
Makes my heart skip and sing
You make me sing and dance

Lying next to you makes me feel complete
Everything about you makes me happy
The wave in your hair
The way your little nose comes to a point
Your beautiful powder blue eyes
The goofy smirk you make when you’re drunk

I love how even in our distant silence
Your heart still speaks to mine
You’re still crying out for me
Still hanging on, Holding out
I only want to make you as happy as you make me

Your prose greatly outweigh your cons, you said
I adore you so much that I can’t even begin to make a list of cons
Because they are things that I can see past
Or that will change with healing and time

We will dance in the rain
Wash each other’s scars
And heal all the pain
Tumble down green hills
Under skies that are no longer grey

We will once again dance in the rain
No more crying, no more stress
No more strain
Just take my hand and we’ll runaway for a day

We’ll go dance in the rain
White lilies in my hand
No more darkness, no more shame
Your black top hat and bright gold chain
We’ll go dance in the rain

Every time I see a dream and chase it I run into hurdles. I always find myself running at full speed ready to leap over any obstacle in my way! I see the first hurdle and lunge into the air only to fall and scrape my knee. I wail like a small child who thinks they are dying from a tiny scrape. I am not dying! I get up and start running again tripping over hurdle after hurdle after hurdle and with each fall the scrape becomes a cut and then a ****** gouge until I cannot run anymore.
Finally I am running again and this time with a beautiful scar where I had repeatedly fallen before. I have started off a bit slower this time being more aware of what may lie ahead. I am speeding up and am feeling invincible, unstoppable, nothing can stop me now! I see the hurdles up ahead and I am ready! Hurdle 1! Yes, success! Hurdles 2, 3 and 4! I can see my dream just around the bend, I am almost there! Hurdle 5! I am soaring! Flying down the track! Hurdle 6! My toe catches and I fall. A tumbling but not quite fatal fall in which my scar reopens into that gaping gouge and my other is scraped and my right elbow.
Everything is visible now, everyone knows. I bandage myself up to hide it all, to hide the pain and scars and I continue to move, to trudge, to try and dream again. I am awkward and moving slowly, but I am moving, I am beginning to find motivation. And soon, I will be running this race again.

I didn’t think about it then but now that everything is said and done
I am thinking about it now
I never really brought these questions forward at the time
Because I was going with the flow
I was just letting things be, letting it happen
I didn’t argue with what the universe had to offer
I never expected anything from you
And the one time I did expect something of you, I was let down and hurt

I had so many questions about why you stuck around
Why you enjoyed ******* me, when you could have had anyone
Why you enjoyed spending time with me
Why you moved in with me
Why you complained about me being “dominate” or “marking my territory” last minute
If you didn’t like it, then why not just leave? Why continue to put up with it?

See, I wasn’t exactly emotionally attached, I was emotionally confused
Because you treated me like a person
I told you before that I wasn’t used to the attention that you were giving me
And I definitely wasn’t used to living with the person I was sleeping with

What attracted you to me anyway? There is nothing special about me
I don’t know why you thought I was **** or pretty
I didn’t question it at the time, but now I sit here and ponder it
I sit here and ponder the entire situation
While the whole time it was happening, I couldn’t help but laugh at the situation
Every event that happened made me giggle, even when I was mad

I was just living for the day and watching the sun shine on my lawn
I was in absolute alignment when you were here
And I loved how you could read every vibration I had
Every ****** expression and every physical touch
You understood everything

What I still don’t understand is why you always came home to me
You didn’t mess around with anyone else the whole time
Even knowing you were free to do so
I am still baffled
There was absolutely no commitment and yet you still were loyal
For being so adamant about not wanting to be committed
You sure did a good job of not colouring outside the lines

And, when you said  to me, “It’s going to be a long time before you find someone as good as me in bed.”
It made me think If you think you’re so good for me, then why are you leaving?
I understand that there is nothing here for you in Seattle
And you needed to rescue your best friend, Seattle is a black hole
But why complain to me at the end instead of while it was happening?
Why stick around and continue spending time with me if it bothered you so much?
Why confide in me so much and tell me so much?
Why tell me such personal stories of your childhood and home life?

All the questions are coming out now because of emotional confusion
Not emotional turmoil; no that would mean that I am devastated
I would have been devastated if I had worked that day and come home to find all your stuff gone
Not being able to see you off and say good-bye would have devastated me

I wanted to say so much more to you before you left
And yet, there was nothing to say
I said enough with my “body language” and tears
And all I can repeat to myself over and over again is This too shall pass
Even all the unanswered questions will slowly fade away
Because eventually, one by one, every question will be answered

I don’t know what to do with this anymore
With us
You start trying and then you leave
Leave for weeks, months
Lead me to think everything is OK
And then disappear

I really like you, but I can’t keep doing this
This back and forth
Pretending not to like you thing
And letting you **** me around

This whole situation brings me to tears
I sleep all day and I don’t eat
No person is worth this torture
This is why I hideaway in my mind
Where no one can hurt me
And no one can find me

If you can bring me from hell
And into the sunshine
I’d keep you in my heart forever
Keep your hand in mine and at my side
I would never let you leave me
I’d give you my heart
And make sure that you never give it back

You're done roaming and playing around
Living on your own now no friends for comfort
Retreating inward in your new studio apartment
Where your friends have abandonded you for good
"good ridence!" they say as they turn thier backs on you and leave

Must feel comforting knowing you're no longer living out of a suitcase
Safe and sound with your face on the ground
You're finally sober 
Bouncing from friend to friend until you could stand on your own
You learned from the best, the ones who abused you
Now you stand alone because you abused the ones who were the best to you

Hey lost boy! It’s time to leave Neverland!
Time to own your responsibilities instead of running when things get bad
Time to clean up your act and reach for your star
Time to meet your goals and start paying attention

Hey lost boy!
Time to learn some discipline
Give up your pride, your drugs, your alcohol and incoherent ways
It’s time to grow up and face reality
It’s time to finally accept the path that God has laid out before you

Hey lost boy!
What’s your happy thought?
Do you remember how to get home?
First star to the right and head straight on till morning
It’s time to leave never Neverland
And never never look back

Go on out and make your mistakes
Enjoy your raves, your drugs and alcohol
Enjoy your fashion, your ****** friends and lies
Learn the lessons life has to offer
And learn to get your life together without hallucinating

Soon you will make your way back
You will tell me you were wrong and I was right
Tell me you’re sorry and beg for forgiveness
I will welcome you home with open arms
I only long to comfort you and make you happy
When you return to me again things will be better than before
We will be stronger, happier and wealthier
There will be no more lies and deceit
You’re ****** “friends” will be history
And we, together, will make history

Everyone will want to be us
They will be envious of us once more
Do not fret my love, everything will be OK
We will make it through this time
No amount of drugs or other worldly temptations will break us again
We have left that world behind and found something better
Sober is the new high

Go ahead and be mad at me, be mad for now
But know that you won’t get your way
Nothing will go your way
Right now your life is meaningless
Your nights are full of drugs, parties and girls
Which in the end are all meaningless
They make you happy for a few hours and quickly fade away

Let your friends be mad at me
Let them drop me like a brick as a friend
Think that I am crazy for staying in contact with you
When you specifically told me to go away
What they think and feel about me is meaningless
Your friends mean nothing to me, they are meaningless

Knowing that I am awesome and powerful is what is important
Knowing that I am loved and am capable of being loved is important
Knowing and understanding that I have a purpose is important
What anyone else says about me is meaningless
It is all meaningless now

I’m sorry you feel the way you do
And I hope you suffer greatly
More rather, I hope your friends suffer
For what they did to us, what they did to me
And I only wish this upon you
So you and your friends will understand
The pain I have to deal with and conceal everyday

You are such a victimizer,
But you are not the victim here; I am
Stop trying to say you are
It’s not all about you
This time, it’s all about me
And how poorly I was treated and the damage that can’t be undone
How the loose lying mouths of your friends
Influenced you into becoming something you’re not

Easily influenced means you have a weak WILL
Weak WILL means weak mind
Weak mind means poor impulse control
And you my friend, have all of the above
But I love you anyway

Last night you held me in your arms outside your apartment building
That was a great feeling
I miss that feeling
I miss kissing you outside your door

I had had too much to drink, I didn't want to leave
You said, I'm not comfortable with you staying the night just yet
I want you to stay but there would be too much temptation
I'm drunk and you're pretty.


I like that you admited how you still have feelings for me
It was such a relief to hear
Even though I already knew
It was just comforting to hear you say it

Last night there was a look in your eyes that I hadn't seen in weeks
You were looking at me like you actually cared again
Rubbing my knee in comfort and resting your head on my shoulder
Letting me know how sorry you were

We had a great time as a couple
Complimented each other well
Everyone wanted to be around us
But we wore each other out
You were overwhelmed with passion
And when you came to
You realized you weren't where you wanted to be

My thoughts had been drifting around the same time as yours
What would it be like to be single again?
Am I really in love?
I was just as afraid
Just as skeptical
Now you understand why I'm such a pessimist
Because the men I fall for lead me in the same pattern every time

I can't handle anymore of these one month and two month relationships!
This felt like one that was going somewhere
Felt like it was going to last a long time
You have every right to be afraid
To push me away
Love is not easy

You were so saticefied with me
So comfortable with me
And now that we are sitting here ending the romance
I feel like I've been lied to
You went back on everything you ever said to me
It had meaning at the time
But now the words are just dust

So here we sit trying to re-kindle the friendship
Not knowing what to expect
Where it will go later
We are taking each others hand
And taking another leap of faith

I am not used to blocking out the sounds of the world anymore
I'm so used to having you by my side
Always smiling hand in hand
Freely going anywhere we wish
As dreamers will

I washed the smell of you off my hand yesterday at work
After holding your hand I could smell your body wash
I am not trying to get rid of memories of you
I am trying to let you go for the time being
I cannot even remember who I was before we dated
I don't want to remember
But I love you with my whole heart
As a dreamer would

We are still breathing each other
Still sensing and knowing what the other is feeling
Still connected at the heart and mind
Clumsily reaching for the other’s hand
Knowing full well they are not there
Rolling over for a warm embrace in the middle of the night
Only to find a cold empty pillow

I do not cling to our memories in desperation
I keep them neatly folded away
And pull them out when I need to smile
They help me keep my faith
That soon we will have more wonderful adventures

This is our place; here on Whidbey Island
We came here to escape all the noise of Seattle
To escape the chaos of our friends and family
It was just you and me
Our own little world
Our cleansing time by the ocean

We didn’t have much say much to know the other was content
We sat there by the sand listening to the waves
Letting our hearts whispers to one another
And as I ran my fingers through your hair
And you closed your eyes
At that moment we merged as one

Knowing that this is what we’ve been waiting for our whole lives
Knowing this is the person I want to be with for a long time
This is someone worth fighting for
Knowing that there will be those moments
Of being angry, scared and confused
Sitting in silent aloneness
Waiting for those secure arms and bright smile
To break through all the darkness

Looking out on the sound now
Listening to my single heart beat
Remembering how much I love you
And knowing you are worth this aloneness

I know this is supposed to be four days of freedom
But it feels like four days of punishment
Four days of solitude and sorrow
Four days for me to change my bad habits
To better myself for the sake of us
Four days for me to figure myself out as an individual
So that when I go back to you
We will know better who we are as a whole

Five days if you would like to count the day we decided to back off
One day of crying
One day of travel and enlightenment
Three days of work
Five days of writing and release

You’ve been very missed today
My parents have asked a lot about you
They are curious to meet you
I’m sorry you are so burnt out and uninterested in me

I remember after our talk the other day
How your sad confused eyes began to smile again
You began to look at me the way you used to
I can’t wait to see those blue eyes dance and smile again

You make me very happy
Even though it is a tough journey
I am willing to fight for it

We share this life, one heart, this house, one body
We share this infection, this disease and all the anger
Personal thoughts and dreams, finger-tip touches and looks
We shared more than we thought we would
More than we really wanted to
And even miles away…you still continue to share more with me than I bargained for

Seattle, so full of angry and bitter memories
Failed love affairs, dreams and careers
Seattle the Black Hole! We call it
Stifling people’s hopes
Raining on everyone’s parade

I am happy for those who are happy here
And I feel for those who are not
Miscommunications fill the air
Much like the *** smoke fills the small niches of building entryways
The streets are flooded with STD’s and STI’s
And all around me I see my friends dying
Dying from drug addictions and failed marriages
Dying from being accused by their own judgmental minds
They are all dying; rotting from the inside

Seattle, the most beautiful hypocritical city I know

I lost myself in boredom
Lost myself in the bitter and sour patches of life
Ripping myself free from the death grip of the vines that hold me down
I can see the sun shining through the leaves and thorns that cover my eyes
My sad, torn aching flesh screams out as the rain softly falls on it
Stinging the gaping open wounds as I search for reconciliation
As I slowly stumble back into my reality
Rediscovering my inspiration, surprise and happiness
I have come to my crossroads once again
Not looking back, I proceed on my path of hope
Living like I am dying and regretting nothing I have done
I may be scarred from my battles but that does not mean I have lost my virtue

With every new chapter comes a new lesson in life
That new lesson was you, and I hate that the universe gave you to me at such an odd time in life
Great things always come when they are least expected
And you were one of the greatest things that ever happened to me
I was so broken and jaded that I would brush off every man who approached me
Smiley, you can’t fix broken and jaded but you can help to soften the blow
The month and a half we had together was wonderful and I learned a lot

And now that you’ve left I feel like I’ve lost my best friend
Every little thing around the apartment reminds me of you
Your smell, your food, your sponge
A small sense of nostalgia when I lay down in the bed we shared

I never thought I would take it quite this hard
Preparing myself for weeks knowing you were going to leave
And here I am wearing the wool socks you left behind and finishing a bottle of wine
I am tempted to throw out everything you left for me just so I don’t have to go through all the pain
The memories in my head are painful enough
But I’m going to smile the whole way through
Because the friendship we have is so good.

I remember the first time I cried in front of you
I felt like a ******* for showing you emotion
For saying yes, I do care with my tears of frustration
And I will always remember you as the man who truly understood me
Both sexually and emotionally

You taught me to be comfortable with my sexuality and how to use it
You made me more confident in whom I am as a woman because you respected me
Even when I was frustrated with you for being irresponsible, you always did something to make up for it

As a friend and as a lover I cannot thank you enough for helping me
Walking me through such an awkward time in my life
The universe gives us what we need when we need it
Apparently, I needed you…

It was such a pretty day out today
I actually didn’t listen to my head phone most of the day
I just listened to the world
Usually, I hate the noise of the city
It’s loud and obnoxious and all the people irritate me
But not today
I made myself get out of bed today
I made myself go out into the sunshine and find my way
I made myself face the noise and the crowd
I am making the paranoia go away
It will no longer control me
I am making myself ready for the working world again
I will face the noise and the nightmares
To regain my sanity

Dear Seattle,
I hate you
You and your tall buildings made of steel and glass
Your *** ridden streets
And alleyways that smell of **** and *****

You, Seattle, the melting *** of Washington State
With your ****** foreign old men
Who reek of beer and cigarettes
Who think they’ve still got it “going on”

*******, Seattle
And your passive aggressive ways
******* and your parks littered with alcoholics and ******-addicts
Forget your clubs and pubs
Your romantic cowboys
Enlightened hippies
And your dreamy emo kids

Dear Seattle,
I will not miss you