no journey is ever easy
or effortless, and i wish i could
tell all these ladies at work
that they don't have to follow these
silly diet fads or weight loss plans
because i understand, miss, ma'am
i was there once, overweight and
so terribly unhappy
i'm only where i am now because
of the time and effort i put into it
spending money and time
on foods and activities
that help me better my body
and my mind
so please don't ask me what food you should eat
or what i did to look how i look
you need to learn it on your own
the want and desire needs to be yours
just please don't starve yourself
because that's not the way to do it

there is no reason behind my words
no secret meaning
or abstract thought
please don't read into it too much

because that's what i do on a daily basis
reading into words of people i don't know
and my heart and head turns into a quick panic
leaving me breathless
just oh goodness

like, sometimes i just wish my brain
could be as simple minded as my words
like, how i wish i could pull oatmeal out of the microwave
and instead of being steaming hot
it's nice, cooled off
as if it was just pulled from the freezer

why do people act the way they do
honestly i can't understand it
but then again i don't even know why i do the things i do
i think i'm thoughtful when i'm alone with pen and paper
and i think i'm artistic when i put paint on a canvas
spending all of my time and money into trying to become myself
when i thought i already was

why does she get angry at me
i don't get it, what have i done wrong
probably a lot of things
i did tell her i hate her when i was twelve,
even though i wrote her a letter and drew her a picture
and apologized every day for the rest of my life
i guess i'll never know why she yells at me

and why does he not like me
i thought he was supposed to since he fathered me
but i guess if one isn't around enough
a bond is never created
maybe that's why i wasn't worth anything,
and he didn't mind pushing me out of the house to make room
for the new woman in his life
i suppose i'll always come last on his list of priorities but i don't mind
but i do wish i had a father

and why weren't he and i born closer
instead of being five years apart
maybe we would have been best friends and
helped each other with homework and relationship problems
i could have seen the warning signs
and he could have seen the ones for me, and maybe
then our hearts wouldn't have so much wear - and - tear

in younger years
i remember trying so hard
to gain the affection of the opposite ***
and i'm not really sure why because well

in middle school there was this girl
named dezarae and everyone loved her
because she was thin and wore make up
and her hair was always nice
just like her clothes that accentuated her
blossoming *******

i think there was a boy named kyle
or something similar to that
i'm not sure anymore
but he was always around her
as well as me
since i guess dezarae considered me her best friend
and at first i liked kyle
but then i liked her

it was around that time that
i met this other girl named amber
who wore glasses and had long hair
that didn't always look nice
and her clothes weren't the best
just like her teeth
but i remember she was as thin as a twig
and just as flatchested as i was

we became the best of friends
and i felt equal in her company
my feelings for her grew
when we would spend friday nights together
at each others house
depending on what week it was

but i remember her and i speaking one day
gossiping about everyone at school
like dezarae and i don't know why
but i lied when amber asked me
"well i heard dezarae was bisexual
she likes girls and boys
isn't that disgusting?"
i replied with
"oh gosh what
that is just
so gross"

i was so confused
why was it so wrong
to like someone who was just the same
as you are
because i liked amber
in a way that i should have liked a boy.

bjorn sits and lies about
mostly on his back
sometimes on his side
usually all wrapped up

i've noticed that i talk about myself a lot
when i write and i wonder if that means i'm self-involved
or selfish or something that starts with self
because i hope i'm not or i'll feel quite awful about myself
but there i go again
with those self words.

i used to cut my thighs
all the time
it started my junior year
and it was my secret

in forced intimacy
this other boy saw them
and in response he slapped them
making them burn with fury
he left and didn't speak to me
instead, he sat at his computer
like he always does
and blogged about it
while i sat alone in the basement
in choking sobs.