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kg Mar 3
we spent the day together yesterday
going to old haunts and drudging up
old memories
when you got in the car you hugged me
and said you missed me

you went out on a ledge
that before i would never had
gone on
but i followed you anyway

i told you things that i was scared
to say before and
you apologized
we held each other and my heart
yearned for more

we went into an abandoned building
and climbed to the top
drinking our beers
inside we you held me while
i rambled and when i turned to face
you there was a pause

i could feel the electricity
and the alarms went off as i leaned in
heavy breathing, hesitation
until lips collided, gently, nervous
before we fell into each other
hands covering one another
discovering lost territory

i had to peel myself from you
to take a moment to breathe
have a cigarette and talk about
what happened
we decided we didn't want anyone else
and we would take it slow
i said my fear of you changing your mind
in the morning
but you said you wouldn't and
i trust you
kg Feb 28
i deleted some photos of you today
but not before backing them up
on a flash drive
lest i forget all our happy memories

i've been thinking about us a lot lately
i'm still confused on what went wrong
probably my borderline negative patterns
getting triggered from things that
happened in my past
causing me to hold too tight
and push you away at the same time

i feel the majority of our time spent
was happy
with 20% being difficult or hard
but isn't that what a relationship is?
making each other uncomfortable
because we're trying to push
each other to be better

i feel like crying often
but tears never come
did i already cry my allotment of tears for the year?
i wonder if i'll ever cry again

you're giving me mixed messages
you say you can't wait to hang
but when i ask you say maybe
what is going on in your head i wonder
and then i remember that i'm still
working on moving on

not forgetting but forgiving
making peace with the fact
the future is unknown, and scary
before it was fine because
i knew i had you by my side
you had said you would be with me
forever, i didn't realize forever
would arrive so quickly

it's strange because in my soul
i know we'll be together forever
like you said, as friends or otherwise
even if we don't speak for weeks,
months, years
we'll end up by each others side again
you had said we're soulmates and
i wonder if you still believe
your own words

i wonder if you know what you want
because lately i've been determined
and resolute in my wants
like i want you but i don't need you
eventually my throat won't burn
and my heart will no longer ache
i think you've given me a fear of intimacy
that i need to work on
in therapy now
kg Feb 24
i dreamt of you last night
you were holding me
caressing me
covering me in love
and i woke up and my heart
ached for you

today has been hard
i know healing takes time
and eventually it will
hurt less

you spoke of sleeping with others
the other day
and i know it's what you do
it's what you did when
we were together
but it felt different this time

it made me feel insecure
until i remembered my worth
isn't based on another
i am worth so much
and so are you
you are in control of your own happiness
i hope you find it

while i find my own
i'll continue to love myself
giving myself the love
and care i deserve

i think i'm ready to let go now
but that doesn't mean i'll seek another
and i won't for a long while
because i don't need another
to fill in the silence
of my loneliness
and i'm not interested
in the idea of someone else
kg Feb 16
i feel stagnant
sitting at an intersection
waiting for the light to turn green
but it's been three weeks and
the light is still red
i wonder how much longer i must wait
when will it feel like
my life is moving forward again
kg Feb 11
i dreamt of you last night
you were there by my side
someone i could touch
hold, kiss
you didn't speak but i felt
the love you were sending
it wasn't until we got in the car
and i looked to the passenger
that i started crying.
my mother was there and
asked what was wrong
then she asked if i was seeing him everywhere

at that moment i awoke suddenly
empty, hurt,
missing the other half of my soul
and i cried for the first time
in a week since you left
and i told myself it was okay
i was allowed to miss you
crying was safe
slowly i drifted back into sleep
hugging the bear you got me
two years ago
kg Feb 8
it's funny.
my journal started with me
getting dumped and moving to KCMO
and now it's ending with me
getting dumped again and moving
back to KCMO
the only difference was
in the middle
i met you
kg Feb 8
even though you're no longer here
you still haunt my dreams

i can feel your phantom touch
brush my hair aside
when my cat comes to kiss my cheek

in my dreams i am pouring out my heart
all the things i wish i had said to you

while you shrug me off and say
you no longer want to be there

and it hurts my heart deeply
however when i wake my heart is letting go

i still miss your face, your voice
your touch
but

i know i can live without it
like i did when we were strangers
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