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He hurts me in absentia,
Breaks me unknowingly.
I am fine bone china, casually dropped on a black slate floor.
Master of subtle agonies,
He twists me in two
Tortures me with shards of glass,
Cuts, cuts, cuts,
So deep, so deep, that even in my sleep
I bleed my need.
He hurts me invisibly
He hurts me with myself
I hurt myself, with him.
I hurt.
I hurt.
Early morning now, at the veranda...
Doing people-watching,
Thinking...just thinking the hours away.
The calendar is on its final page...
In a matter of hours, it is set to be changed...
A new year is coming in shortly, and I am
Wondering  about the days gone by...

I sit comfortably
And my thoughts are set free...
Almost sets me dreaming
With you, rocking...
My hands, sidewards dropping...
But i see a line of several pairs of shoes,
Different sizes, different uses...
Five pairs of shoes remind me,
Of days when a baby's cry echoed,
Made its voice known,
Heard in the still of the night,
Up to the hours of the wee morning.
To and fro we went,
Up, down, down and up...
Until the baby fell into  a deep sleep, and
You and i, slowed, then stopped...

Over and over
We went through the very same routines,
The years stretched on as i counted,
It was four more, to be exact...

Then came the time when
There were just the two of us left,
Swaying to and fro, slowly, slowly,
Up, down, down and up...
Always slowly, never too fast.
No, i wasn't asleep,
Just  recalling,
How we had patiently, gently,
Cared and cradled
Those five baby girls to sleep...
Of different ages, all grown ups now...
Up and about, no longer wanting
To be swayed to sleep again...
Now, like birds that leave their nests
In the morning,
To live their lives in the light of day
Then fly back home before dark, weary,
Owners of these pairs of shoes,
Lined in a row, all in varying hues...

We both worked hard through the years,
I think it's time we thought of ourselves...
I say, you rock me now an hour of nonstop rest,
Then let me "rock the boat" for a while,
Turn you upside down,
Caress your arms and feet
With a soft cotton cloth and some lotion,
Make you shine like before, and free you
From those grains of dirt embedded,
To sharpen your sturdy undercurves,
So we may both have fun once more...
Rock ourselves slowly, smoothly,
Swaying endlessly,
Enjoying, rocking
Our remaining days together...


Sally

Copyright 2014
Rosalia Rosario A. Bayan
(---was watching street vendors selling fruits to my neighbors...poem came to mind as I saw my visiting son in law,  falling asleep on our old rocking chair at the veranda...it reminded me of how each of my granddaughters, still babies then, were calmed and lulled to sleep on that old rocking chair, while I sang them lullabies---)
The past is an old, bearded man in a tattered coat,
Pulling at my arm with insistence,
Meeting little resistance.
A Fagin, enticing me with Dickensian charm.
I always was a sucker for nostalgia,
Let me live in a fairy tale, or hide myself in history,
Turn me loose in fiction.

The future is a ghost, transparent, beckoning,
All she has to sell is the unknown,
Which I face with reluctance, with some fear.
A new start, yes, but I don't want to finish with my Fagin.
There's comfort in the misery of the known,
The knowing, roots me in securely,
Untethered, I may float from existence,
Both past and present, lost to me as I hang in the balance,
Caught between the years' end and a new beginning,
Static, frozen, fearful, tharn.
Not sure whether the last line should be "Static, frozen, waiting to be torn in two."  What do you think?
An acorn birthed me
The sky, my roots, wind, rain, sun
Elements of life.
Let us go, Oedipus, let me walk you
'Twixt towers reaching to heaven,
Where women are charged to be patient and perfect.
You will not stay upon your leash.

We walk through Mandalay, not Paris,
Where the women have no face.
'Tis but a siren of emergency
That sings to me.

What worth I am to you, Oedipus,
What worth am I to them?
When the footman holds my coat, and snickers,
What worth am I to them?

Every man is a piece of the continent!
She may love me for the dangers I have passed,
And I her that she did pity them,
But she cannot, now and forever.

And while the sun excludes me,
I am not them and they not I,
And the waters do not glisten,
She is their chattel and not mine.

I gaze upon her ornate face and sing,
Her eyes are pools of wonder that see me, and swing away.

I am older, I have sense,
Like Oedipus my King,
But when I see her ornate face
I very nearly sing.

After many lonely nights
In shirtsleeves and not silk,
I went to her, and said:
Here, take this silver, for my milk.

And she may have loved me once
But for my thought and sense,
I'm but a bumblebee today -
I left at some expense.
Laying still in my bed, I do not recognize who is laying there
Unrecognizable to my eyes, pulling a blank in my mind
Someone who once looked so familiar is now a stranger.

There’s a sadness where it once was happy
A pessimist that once was positive
A person that I used to enjoy.

The unaccepting stare is not welcoming
The negative thoughts are not comforting
The utter confusion is all but wanted.

Time goes by and no help is asked for
No changes occur
Nothing.

Finally change hits me, but still no better
For this confusion is now frustration
And this person is growing more distant.

Anger for having expectations
Anger for not caring anymore
Anger for giving up on them.

Falling off the bed, hitting the hard floor below
The only place to go is up
Until the floor falls from underneath me.

I try to stand, but don’t have the strength
I try to speak, but don’t have the courage
I try to listen, but don’t have the patience.

Finally at the bottom I look up
The eyes of the stranger are staring,
Peering inside of me.

Trying to make sense of it all
Understanding who this person is
Though difficult, I recognize them

Denial hits, I cannot accept it
I refuse to admit what I see
Because what I see is me.
I remember when I met you
you were different to all of her other many boyfriends
we could talk about the things I liked
you liked them too.

Months after you and her had finished your chapter in life
you stepped into mine
you dazzled dizzied bewildered me
showed me that it was alright to like the things I did

You wrote poems
you made me feel special
I thought that you liked me
the way I liked you

Then you left for what seemed a thousand years
the night I found out about your new girl I didn't cry
I remained content until an excessive amount of alcohol brought out all the feelings
the words spewed out of me
the same way the varied assortments of drink would do later that night

We still spoke on occasion
we shared an embrace or two when we accidentally met in the street
I was still crazy about you
even though I was aware that you were crazy about her

You ignore me now
we don't talk
you cast me aside
like everybody else did

I think of you a lot lately
but not in the way I used to
If I ever had the pleasure of speaking with you again
I would remain silent
I have nothing to say to you

The only things I have are the memories of you
the arguments
the embraces
the exams

It's all over now.

I understand that everything I thought we had was all in my imagination
when you said you loved me you didn't mean it in the way I did
but I can't be with anybody else because I feel as if it should be you
I'd like to say you ruined me but you didn't
I've ruined myself
I'm so used to being in a state of heart break that I will put myself back there in order to feel comfortable

I want to forget you
in the same way that you've forgotten me
thrown me away
left me

I hope you never find out how much I cared for you
because it's embarrassing for me
I can't believe I ever felt that way about anybody
I let somebody through the hard exterior that I have
I pretend I have no emotion but you made me vulnerable
I let you in.
listen to asleep //the smiths when you read this
 Dec 2013 kevin morris
Lizzy
Drink one
My eyes grow heavy
I sit in a fold out chair
In the corner of the living room

Drink two
I zone out
To the sound of the rest of my family getting riled up about who knows what
I want to join in
But then again
I don't

Drink three
Things start to get fuzzy
My words slur
I decide to join in after all

Drink four
It's probably a bad idea
To say whatever comes to mind
Laying on the bathroom floor

Drink five
This was supposed to be fun
Not a nightmare
My sister cries into my cousin's arms
As I laugh to myself

*Blackout
 Dec 2013 kevin morris
Lizzy
With a simple glance at the monster
Icy chills are sent down my spine
And my mind goes back to the eleven-year-old mind I once had
Hurt and confused
By the words that pour out of the monster's mouth
Each one causing a permanent scar on my body
That not even all of the therapists I've been through can fix

The only thing I can't figure out
Is why
Not why it said all of the awful things it did
But why I believed them

I allowed myself to believe anything that came from the monster's mouth
Like a child believes their parents
About Santa Claus
Or the tooth fairy

And just like that child
I grew out of the monster's lies

I have a purpose
I keep trying to tell myself
Now believing a whole new sort of lie
For the monster's lies
are now my truth
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