Somewhere, someone is admiring all of the things that you feel insecure about

You’re far away from home
Manicured rows
Of skyscraper homes
Even in your familiar city
Your heart is lost
Searching the streets for meaning
Regret stings your soul
Your eyes have accepted their fate
I see behind them passion and fire
They put me in a state of desire

Often at this hour, when the night is thick and deep
And the moonlight peers atop the sky,
Does my mind, heart and body feel most alive,
Most connected to the pulse of night,
Rhythmic time goes ever by
Through throbbing veins with hope for life
Envisioned as a tangible thing,
imagine string
connects all beings
All with soul and core
All with love and hope

The night

Passed by before I had chance
To close my eyes

Darkness fell in to thoughts
Wondering alone

Soaked up quickly by the light
Of day

I pray, when it comes around again
My mind will have less to say

If your values are material
You aren’t wired right
When status is your aim,
Likes are an empty game
You’ll never be fulfilled,
There’s no depth to be instilled
That heart doesn’t fill your cup
But I see it’s a momentary up
It soon fades away
Working on the next thing that you’ll (post) say

When your watch takes the place of your smile
And you let it dim the shine of your eyes
When the perception from others cripples your freedom
Image is nothing to believe in
Labels aren’t an achievement
Sadness and fear is transparently clear

I recognise you’ve worked hard for success
But what about passion and life beating through your chest?
I don’t care about the after party
Or the ‘everyone’ celebrity
It doesn’t impress me

I open your books of poetry
You close them tight on me
Afraid to show your trueness
It’s all I cared to see

Have I wasted years based on a fantasy of unprocessed fears, of daddy issues, and tears
I tear myself to pieces, my stomach is tied in knots, my mind is really broken, and I seem to cry a lot
I’m so desperate for your validation, for your kindness and your love, but the novelty of me soon wears off, and again I’m crushed.
This time will be different, we’ve come so far, we’ve grown so much.
We also made agreements that toxicity was done.
But who the hell was I fooling
Starved of chaos for a moment too long
You feast on destruction, dramatise this new production, which turns out is just a reconstruction, of the time before, and the one before that, I can go back and back.
Am I so ******* up for thinking things had changed
I’m scared to trust my thoughts I think my feelings are insane.
The venom in your voice, the stab of every vicious word
How is this the person who soothed me when I hurt.
How can I trust when you switch on me like that
The welcome mat is pulled and it’s into combat
I am the enemy. I must be destroyed
Just like Andy playing with his toys
Story has it, it will eventually become white noise
This scene has been repeated so much my head is sore
Blame, and blame, and blame, some more.
This time you scared me more than ever before
I’ve seen your darkness and still loved you to your core
But now I’m really sick
I don’t know who I am and my self esteem has dipped.
I don’t remember my smile, I live in ignorant denial.
I’m pathetic. I’m ashamed. I’m weak
Yet I continue to dial your number
Over, and over, and over, and over
Every click to voicemail chips away at my self-worth
I sob my precious heart out, longing to matter to you, coz no one else will do.
I put you on a pedestal and I really don’t know why
Because you’re emotionally abusive and you’ve made me want to die.
But you’ve also made me laugh, you’ve soothed me with your song, you sung me lullabies
And when anxiety has become too strong, you’ve got me to breathe along
You’ve held me and you’ve stroked my hair
You’ve reached out to touch me and to check that I am there
I believed we had an unparalleled connection
Was it self deception? Was I blind and naive?
I know love isn’t easy but should it bring you to your knees?
It’s certainly brought me closer to god
Coz I’ve begged and prayed like a hungry dog
I have no idea where I have gone

It was never you
Who brought the magic of my heart to life
That cantered like a band of wild horses
Through spring meadows at sunrise
Nature’s chorus cheered me on
But I put my strength in your disguise
You rode the wonders of my coattails
I made excuses for your lies
But here I am in wonderment
That dependency in you grew
When once again you left me
Your words left me black and blue
You can never take the power
Of my wild, open heart
Who steers the good and bad with grace
Every time you depart

Oh October’s Hunter Moon
Largest on this night
Teach me what you know
The universe is fast
Yet nowhere feels like home

I saw you rise
Like a setting sun
White and yellow
As the night begun

I force to break our gaze
But wisdom’s in your presence
With a calming of my soul
I long to linger in your essence

I love you at your fullest
I love you when you’re barely found
I know you’re always there
Powerful,
Profound

There is a cycle where the veil lifts
The material is distant
And the spiritual is tactile
God feels closer
I know this unseen world
My body convulses with surges
Energy shoots through me
Heavy tears drop
I imagine them quenching dry red earth
Falling through cracks
There’s a direct line
A connection
God is speaking to me
I feel a longing for home
For the earthly dirt
For the higher realm

Before I bleed
I’m sensitive to this density
Energy feels weighty
Visceral, almost visible
I’m reminded of my spirit
My own wild nature, tamed
But the essence of my heart roars
My feral body sings to the beat of nature
I bleed like the red earth
I am tribal. I am feral
I stand with and part of creator