I guess it goes to show,
There is a light.
I went away.
Mentally,
Not physically.
I needed to help myself,
I did.
I've been long gone.
Lost.
So tell me what to do.
How have I lived?
I haven't hurt in months.
Yet I want too.

Watching myself,
I laugh, but feel nothing.
I smile, but it doesn't meet my eyes.
I cry, and everything comes out.

Watching you,
You laugh at my pain.
You smile at my suffering.
You cry at my death.

Watching everyone,
Laugh at the girl who died.
Smile at her pictures.
Cry at her stone.

One month,
Clean of mutilation.
No razor,
Dragged across my skin.

White thin scars,
Mocking my recovery.
Wanting me to add more,
So they have friends.

I won't give in,
I will be clean.
I will make you proud,
I promise.

Ana,
She took me.
She brought me down to her level,
Spitting those words at me;
You're fat!
You will never be small enough!

Little did I know,
She had a friend.
Mia tried to control,
Spewing profanities.
But I couldn't purge,
I was too weak.

So I restricted,
I counted the calories.
I could feel when I gained weight,
I could feel the fat.
I wanted to rip it off,
Just scream.

My head is throbbing,
From lack of nutrients.
But I don't care.
Until that scale says zero,
I will never be thin enough.

I want to see my bones,
Every single one.
I want to count my ribs,
I want to see my hips.

Why can't I be thin?
Like the girls in magazines?
Why am I fat?
While everyone is so tiny.

I want to see my bones,
I want to see them all.
I want to be light,
I want to be graceful.

Silver blade,
You bring me comfort.
You make the pain go away,
Relieve my stress.

Silver blade,
Why doesn't anyone like you?
I like you,
You make me feel better.

You make me forget,
You make me lose it.
You bring me back around,
Silver blade.

I want to hold you
Forever and a day.
I want you to be here
Next to me.
I want your comfort
Because I'll be crying.
Once March comes,
I'll be okay.
But right now
I need you to stay.

I painted,
I painted a picture in red.
It was a beautiful picture,
It was of myself.
It showed the pain,
And the mask.

I painted,
I did this on my own.
I used many different shades of red,
All showing my pain.
It scared many,
Brought many in as we'll.

I painted,
I painted with my blood.

Fat, fat, FAT.
That's all you are.
Look at yourself;
Fat ***,
Pig,
Disgusting.
Just stop eating.
Lose weight.
Fat, fat, **FAT

She sipped the bottle,
Brought it to her lips.
One more drink,
Then she'll be in bliss.

It'll **** her,
That's the point.
She hates this place,
A new life is ahead of her.

It's black,
It's over.
She's gone.
No more cruel life.

Read between the lines,
Stop assuming,
No I am not okay,
Yes I cut.
Stop thinking I didn't,
I want you to look again.
Why do you think I ask?
I'm not just wondering anymore.
No,
I'm bleeding.
The flesh,
It's becoming raw.
Just a scar,
One long white patch.
I wish you'd notice,
But, it'll hurt you.
I'm sorry love,
But I just can't tell you.
You have to notice,
Then I'll tell you.
I'm sorry,
I'm weak.

Look at my wrist,
And you tell me I'm okay.
Look me in the eyes,
Tell me I'm not lying.

I thought I was fine,
I thought I was getting better.
I guess it was a phase,
Like my depression?
Right mom?
I'm faking it,
Right dad?

Funny,
I tear up my skin.
I don't eat that much,
I'm worrying you?
I worry a lot of people.
I'm fine.
Don't worry about me.

Failure*,
Messed up in the head,
Another statistic.
I slit my skin because of you,
But it didn't make you happy.
I tried my hardest,
But all you saw was a failure.
I tried to please you,
And you'd play the blame game.
I can't tell you,
How many times I've cried.
All you'll do,
All you'll do is blame her.
She did nothing,
She didn't make me go insane.

She saw my downfall.
She saw me go into that pit.
I am throwing in my towel,
I am giving up.
I am done.

Trash bag suits,
****** innuendos galore.
She’s a potato!
He’s a pterodactyl!
Well, she just transformed,
She’s now a sock.
Bro *******,
Analyzing bread.
She can’t comprehend.

Snapping,
Shoddy renditions of West Side Story.

Bashing,
On my observational skills.

This is normal,
It is routine.
No drugs,
No mental asylums,
Just my lunch table.

You used to be joyful,
So carefree,
You used to eat.
You let her get to you,
You used to go out,
Now you only go to the gym.
You got ****** into it.
She controls you,
Telling you not to eat.
You’re too fat;
Not good enough,
Your thighs jiggle.
Rejecting food, purging,
Counting your calories.
You’re wasting away.

Your eyes are sad,
No life left in them.
As you weigh yourself,
All you do is get angry.
You took her away,
You made me lose my best friend.