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Kendra Hall Feb 2013
I am addicted.
To that feeling of bliss.
To that smell.
To that smile.

I am addicted.
To your eyes.
To the feeling I get,
Whenever I'm in your arms.

I am addicted.
To you.
We're going on three years,
And we're still going strong.
Kendra Hall Nov 2012
You used to be joyful,
So carefree,
You used to eat.
You let her get to you,
You used to go out,
Now you only go to the gym.
You got ****** into it.
She controls you,
Telling you not to eat.
You’re too fat;
Not good enough,
Your thighs jiggle.
Rejecting food, purging,
Counting your calories.
You’re wasting away.

Your eyes are sad,
No life left in them.
As you weigh yourself,
All you do is get angry.
You took her away,
You made me lose my best friend.
Kendra Hall Sep 2013
You controlled me,
For at least eight months.
You made my life hell,
When everyone was trying to fix it.
I blamed myself,
Hell, I still do.
You are a psychopath,
I tried to fix you.
Obviously I couldn't,
Now I live with this Anxiety.
I live in constant fear.
I never thought someone,
Would do this.
Someone would treat me so bad.
You're just like my father.
I guess I couldn't help you.
I should have helped myself first.
Kendra Hall Nov 2012
Failure*,
Messed up in the head,
Another statistic.
I slit my skin because of you,
But it didn't make you happy.
I tried my hardest,
But all you saw was a failure.
I tried to please you,
And you'd play the blame game.
I can't tell you,
How many times I've cried.
All you'll do,
All you'll do is blame her.
She did nothing,
She didn't make me go insane.

She saw my downfall.
She saw me go into that pit.
I am throwing in my towel,
I am giving up.
I am done.
Kendra Hall Mar 2013
I smiled,
But I bled.
I'm sorry,
I carved those hateful words.
They're embedded in my flesh,
For all the world to see.
I'm sorry,
I'm a horrible person.
Kendra Hall Feb 2013
I want to see my bones,
Every single one.
I want to count my ribs,
I want to see my hips.

Why can't I be thin?
Like the girls in magazines?
Why am I fat?
While everyone is so tiny.

I want to see my bones,
I want to see them all.
I want to be light,
I want to be graceful.
Kendra Hall Dec 2012
Promise you won't do it anymore?*
Well that was gone out the window.
I'm sorry love,
But I did it.
I slit,
I bled.
I do apologize,
You know, for my actions.
But I needed too,
I needed the comfort I was lacking.
You don't know how I feel,
I am broken.
Don't drop me,
I'm so brittle, I'd shatter.
Don't be mad,
You couldn't have stopped me anyway.
Kendra Hall Nov 2012
I lied,
That butterfly didn't fly away.
It died,
Because I couldn't keep that promise.

I'm sorry,
It hurts.
I can't keep pretending,
I am not okay.

It's getting harder,
To fake a smile.
I am not happy,
Not at home at least.

So butterfly,
You didn't fly away.
But a new one is there,
In hopes to live.
Cut
Kendra Hall Dec 2012
Cut
Those urges,
For the blood.
They make me go crazy.
It kills me.
I want to cut.
I want to bleed.
Kendra Hall Feb 2013
I am dead,
Mentally at least.
I am numb,
Emotionless.
I can't seem to think,
Smile,
Not even a little smirk.
I just can't.
It wouldn't be right.
It'd be fake.
But no one has to know.
Alive on the outside,
Dead on the inside.
Fat
Kendra Hall Dec 2012
Fat
Fat, fat, FAT.
That's all you are.
Look at yourself;
Fat ***,
Pig,
Disgusting.
Just stop eating.
Lose weight.
Fat, fat, **FAT
Kendra Hall Nov 2012
I am pounding on the walls,
Clawing at my skin.
Make it stop,
Oh god, please.
I can't take it,
It's tearing me apart.

It's silent,
They're in my head.
Telling me what to think,
What to do.
Not myself.
I've ripped apart my flesh,
To please them.
Oh god,
It's happening again.
Help me,
Please.
Kendra Hall Dec 2012
You're leaving again,
But this time for good.
I know I seem okay,
But really I'm dying.
Whatever happens,
Happens I guess.
I know it's the fifth time,
But I know you're serious.
She isn't happy,
I know you aren't either.
But you can't admit your wrongs,
So you'd rather walk out.
So if you leave,
I hope things get better,
And maybe we can all try again.
Kendra Hall Jan 2013
My arm tells a story,
I'm too afraid to tell it.

It shows a girl,
With stripes.
How she earned them?
She went through a hard time.
She fell.
Very deep into blackness.

That's my story,
Of how I earned my stripes.
I still am earning them,
Every once in a while.
Kendra Hall Mar 2014
I guess it goes to show,
There is a light.
I went away.
Mentally,
Not physically.
I needed to help myself,
I did.
I've been long gone.
Lost.
So tell me what to do.
How have I lived?
I haven't hurt in months.
Yet I want too.
Kendra Hall Nov 2012
They smell of must,
Burnt paper.
Something charred,
The burning end of a cigarette.

A blackened snow,
They crumble to the touch.
Fluttering down,
Gently falling, a pile.

Some light,
Some dark.
Some miniscule,
Some huge.

Different meanings;
Memories,
Bad habits,
Even secrets.

Some represent the dead,
They speak stories.
They make the deceased,
Come alive.
Kendra Hall Nov 2012
Trash bag suits,
****** innuendos galore.
She’s a potato!
He’s a pterodactyl!
Well, she just transformed,
She’s now a sock.
Bro *******,
Analyzing bread.
She can’t comprehend.

Snapping,
Shoddy renditions of West Side Story.

Bashing,
On my observational skills.

This is normal,
It is routine.
No drugs,
No mental asylums,
Just my lunch table.
Kendra Hall Jun 2013
One month,
Clean of mutilation.
No razor,
Dragged across my skin.

White thin scars,
Mocking my recovery.
Wanting me to add more,
So they have friends.

I won't give in,
I will be clean.
I will make you proud,
I promise.
Kendra Hall Jul 2013
I feel dead,
Not dead, dead.
Just dead.
Emotionally,
Physically,
Mentally,
Dead.

It's been one month,
Three weeks,
Six days.
Or...
1,392 hours,
Where I haven't been alive.

It's like ****,
Like a cigarette,
Even alcohol.
There's a rush,
Then there's the numb feeling,
Then blood.

I miss it ******.
Kendra Hall May 2013
Recovery,
It's scary,
Full of the unexpected.

I can't do this alone,
Contrary to belief,
Please don't leave me.

I need support,
Or I will fall,
Once again.
Kendra Hall Nov 2013
How can I recover?
I just can't.
I need my blades,
***** five months.
I am a failure,
In everyone's eyes.
Kendra Hall Jan 2013
Silver blade,
You bring me comfort.
You make the pain go away,
Relieve my stress.

Silver blade,
Why doesn't anyone like you?
I like you,
You make me feel better.

You make me forget,
You make me lose it.
You bring me back around,
Silver blade.
Kendra Hall Apr 2015
I have overcome my demons,
The struggles I once faced.
I am a new person,
With thicker skin.
In time;
Words became my comfort.
The scars are just lines,
From blades in the past.
Kendra Hall Dec 2012
Read between the lines,
Stop assuming,
No I am not okay,
Yes I cut.
Stop thinking I didn't,
I want you to look again.
Why do you think I ask?
I'm not just wondering anymore.
No,
I'm bleeding.
The flesh,
It's becoming raw.
Just a scar,
One long white patch.
I wish you'd notice,
But, it'll hurt you.
I'm sorry love,
But I just can't tell you.
You have to notice,
Then I'll tell you.
I'm sorry,
I'm weak.
Kendra Hall Jan 2013
One pill
Two pills
Three pills
Four.
Draft
No I am not going to **** myself
Kendra Hall Nov 2012
Look at my wrist,
And you tell me I'm okay.
Look me in the eyes,
Tell me I'm not lying.

I thought I was fine,
I thought I was getting better.
I guess it was a phase,
Like my depression?
Right mom?
I'm faking it,
Right dad?

Funny,
I tear up my skin.
I don't eat that much,
I'm worrying you?
I worry a lot of people.
I'm fine.
Don't worry about me.
Kendra Hall Apr 2013
It's written on my skin,
Carved into my bones.
Those names,
Fat,
Failure,
*****,
Everything.
I am worthless,
I am a horrible person.
Kendra Hall Dec 2012
She sipped the bottle,
Brought it to her lips.
One more drink,
Then she'll be in bliss.

It'll **** her,
That's the point.
She hates this place,
A new life is ahead of her.

It's black,
It's over.
She's gone.
No more cruel life.
Kendra Hall Dec 2012
I painted,
I painted a picture in red.
It was a beautiful picture,
It was of myself.
It showed the pain,
And the mask.

I painted,
I did this on my own.
I used many different shades of red,
All showing my pain.
It scared many,
Brought many in as we'll.

I painted,
I painted with my blood.
I didn't cut I promise. I just had this idea. Rough draft
Us
Kendra Hall Nov 2012
Us
They're just words,
Something someone says,
But they hurt.

Why do they hurt?
They hit us deep,
They make us feel worthless.
They make us cut,
They make us ****,
They make us,
Us.

So they're just words?
Or are they more?
Kendra Hall Nov 2013
Watching myself,
I laugh, but feel nothing.
I smile, but it doesn't meet my eyes.
I cry, and everything comes out.

Watching you,
You laugh at my pain.
You smile at my suffering.
You cry at my death.

Watching everyone,
Laugh at the girl who died.
Smile at her pictures.
Cry at her stone.
I'm really not a fan of this poem. I'm kind of just putting rough drafts up here for a bit.
Kendra Hall Jan 2013
Why haven't you given up?
You're so different
Not like anyone else.
You never cease to amaze me,
But why?

Why do you love me?
When I have scars on my hips,
And on my wrists.
I am a constant burden
Why?
Kendra Hall Sep 2013
I'm alive
I'm recovering.
Slowly,
But I am.
I am winning,
The battle I've fought.
It's been a long time.
I will win.
Through the shakes,
The mood swings,
*Everything
You
Kendra Hall Jan 2013
You
I want to hold you
Forever and a day.
I want you to be here
Next to me.
I want your comfort
Because I'll be crying.
Once March comes,
I'll be okay.
But right now
I need you to stay.
Kendra Hall Apr 2013
Ana,
She took me.
She brought me down to her level,
Spitting those words at me;
You're fat!
You will never be small enough!

Little did I know,
She had a friend.
Mia tried to control,
Spewing profanities.
But I couldn't purge,
I was too weak.

So I restricted,
I counted the calories.
I could feel when I gained weight,
I could feel the fat.
I wanted to rip it off,
Just scream.

My head is throbbing,
From lack of nutrients.
But I don't care.
Until that scale says zero,
I will never be thin enough.

— The End —