our blood is warm
but the body still needs more heat to function
i needed the warmth of your hands to function
i needed the warm blanket grabbing my hips

too much heat could possibly burn the body

your hands touched my integumentary system time and time again
but i never knew the side effect of heat
your hands still warm and soft on my skin
grazed over my left lung
after so many times i experienced internal burning
your touch had caused me to burn inside out
this heat that i loved has turned into black burns all over my skin and insides
i keep this burning around because i love pain
and your hands did just that.

i will never attempt romance
until i know how to slow dance
deceptions were written in ebony
only romance could teach telepathy
heaping cups of vanilla clouds
but all i heard was shouts
for romance could teach me a thing or two about dancing
blue flowers put me in a friendly trance
not too touchy
red roses put my hands heavily down your chest and with a first glance
i learned how to slow dance

i wish I could've told you
how sorry i am
for letting someone like you
give even your physical aspects to me
you dont play in your sins
but tonight you found something so unholy to touch
and im so sorry for tempting you
you promised me that you never thought i was that bad
just a troubled teenager stuck in her ways
but did i tell you about how good i knew you could be for me ?
it troubles me
because i care about you
my touch will only burn you in the end
and you will have wasted your love on
lucifers beloved daughter
and gods unowned deciple
you said im an angel
but did your forget these wings were made of broken hearts too?
i'd hate for it to be you
do yourself a favor
i know you have a flavor for the devils candy
but dont ever let those holy hands touch this trashcan of sins again
i wont stop you
until you have nothing left of yourself
don't forsake the pain

im rotting within myself
im the living definition of a cavity
bleached and beautiful on the outside
but rotting in black sut on the inside

i did not take my medicine today
therefor i am anxious
overly anxious
my nerves are telling me something atrocious is about to happen
but it simply is not
im trembling
no one can help me
no one can soothe me
my phone was gone half of my day
my safety blanket
was gone
that means i was gone with it
i've been gone
im so gone
let these meds flow

i tried to text you for comfort
but you could give a **** less about me
you were drunk
while i was pouring myself out to you
you joked around
another reminder that i have no one
lonlieness poked me at my every pressure point
im irked
scared
restless
it sickens me that i need you in my breaking points, i need you in my 2 am thoughts
i need you to calm me
but all you cared about was the ***
you didnt care about me in my breaking points
you dont care about my thoughts at 2 am
its okay

if i were you i wouldnt care either
im too easy

please mercy me
let me fall out of myself
for the sake of myself

i was greiving a person who hadnt died
but who forgot about my pressence
made me vanish from thier intrests

the twisted thing to this game that we played
you lost me with a sense of releif
i went away with lust for you
i wanted you back
i sat in my room awake until 4am writing about my insanity
soaked my sadness with *****

i sat on the roof in the cold twice bacause inside could not contain me
my music blasted at its highest dose of treatment but did not cure me

loneliness has sunk in like the sun sunk beneath the skyline at 7:30pm
like how your tounge sunk between my teeth when you wanted me for the night
my needy hands grabbed and tugged at you and your cold selfish hands needed them back for awhile
you got tired of me

your kisses poisoned me with lies
promises that were not lived up to
a future that didn't last
you branded my heart with false love
she meant more
and I understand
i was your perfect victim
and you were my perfect suspect
but these crimes committed to my head and oh so solemn soul
spoke louder than the 'i love you's
all of the times i was sworn the truth and nothing but the truth i was dismantled piece by piece
your love doesn't love me as much as your antics and lies
if i pulled a you on you,
you wouldn't like that ****
that first night together
doesn't mean **** to me
all the plans for our future
doesn't mean **** to me
the countless times you called me unique
doesn't mean **** to me
because i know
a liar keeps their ways
once a liar always a liar
liar
liar

the mornings after were always a sugar coat
i laugh at the things i did that night
when inside was little remorse but it was definitely there
this remorse grew
yet i'd glady sin again if it was in my face
I didn't care about myself
i figured out the world in physical aspects and emotional
i found ways to disconnect the two
i could play in our physical world and not connect any of it to emotional matters
i treated myself as a gum packet
everyone took a piece
everyone put it in their mouth and chewed it up
after awhile my taste dulled
then i was spit out.
eventually all my pieces were gone
and i have yet to find a flavor that lasts forever.

who is saving me from disease?
the doctors.
who is saving me from being homeless?
my mom.


but who is saving me from me?
nobody.
i was the one who tied the rock to my ankle and threw myself into the ocean
i know i could untie it
but i dont
i want to see how long i can stay under without coming back up for air

frankly I've been doing fine with my lungs filled with air from years ago

since then you've set fire to my lungs
they burn inside me

the rock and the knot has been tied too tight
i need someone to go under and with-go the autraucity that i call myself and cut me free.
how could god shove such an inpatient and anxious soul who has more peaks and valleys than it should into a red fluid and stuffed it into skin?
i can see the light abouve me
and all the people playing abouve me
taking in and out that precious air that i crave
new air
not air that is years old

im running out
but i still see the sun.

deceptions and perceptions were a thing of the past
enlightening me was foolish
thinking i could be risen was bullish
who did you think you were playing with?
i preyed on hearts every ******* day
did you really think you could be different?
deceptions and perceptions were calling for recognition
just how you asked how could i be so heartless
i tried to kiss you
but you never let me miss you
you think treating me right could change me?
theres nothing you could do to take me away from this bliss
of always ******* and missing
but the walls loved me

she felt useless
you were the best at that
making her feel like she was boring
not enough for you
but you took all you could from her
with your arms full, you left.

she felt useless
her eyes were burned red and rolled back when she took a sip
"where did i go wrong?" she asked herself
"why am i not good enough?"
soon her questions became burps oozing with ***** and coke

she looked useless
the way she laid on her back so easy
the way she arched her spine and clawed at your skin made her vulnerable

her red eyes shut as she tipped the glass of grey goose
the glass bottle is the only thing that kissed her and loved her back in months.
the bubbles of her jar of dispar float up as she chugs without showing she was hurt.
she stumbles and falls up the stairs to wallow in her self loathing that she called carpet.
she stays up with a drunk heart going over all the things wrong with her
she thinks if she could change you would love her again

you felt useless
staying up all night
telling yourself "i ****** up"

its too late

she had someone to pick her up from her clumsy falls
she only drinks water now
sometimes
she'll stay up asking herself
"whats wrong with me?"

she didn't feel useless
you were always the worst at that.