At first I was just running,
and no one could keep up.
It was thrilling.
I felt so powerful,
like no one could stop me or control me.
But in reality I couldn't control myself.
All I wanted was those nights of running,
those nights of disappearing into the darkness.
It felt like a dream that I’d been needing,
a dream that would help me figure out all the confusion in my life,
and that would change him,
change how he felt.
and I wanted more than anything to be inlove again.
I hoped that those nights would make us closer.
But I know now that I can’t change him.
But in reality this dream or longing was just a nightmare.
But nothing went as planned,
it never does.
Then I started craving those runs even more.
Like that was the only thing that let me breath
and let me have a tiny bit of satisfaction or happiness.
Once i new I could get away with this,
once I new I could control everyone around me,
and I could do anything I want,
I stopped caring about everything.
because nothing else mattered.
but those runs.
I began to forget about what life really meant to me,
and what really mattered.
I was to busy controlling everyone else,
that I didn't know how to control myself
and how to understand and dominate my feelings.
I was thriving for attention, for love, for help.
But i began to grow weak each day,
because at that point nothing was ever enough.
I then understood that I couldn't let one person change me into the person i swore I would never become,
I couldn't let someone crash the mountain that I’d been creating over years.
So I broke it,
I broke the bound we never had,
the bound I was thriving for, but could never quite find.
But even then I wanted to reappear in his life,
to stay,
because I didn't know how to live without his non-existent being.
Even though I new being with him would ruin me.
That’s the only thing I wanted.
But then my answer that I couldn't quite think of appeared,
like out of thin air,
and it was a miracle because my feelings were like water drowning me. It was like there was a cloud pouring above my head and then It astonishingly disappeared,
then there was my answer,
right above me,
floating and all I needed to do was reach for it.