You're in love with a rotting Ginsberg
The desert's tanks are overturned
and your motifs are stale

Fooled into the belief that anyone cares
That clumsy wordplay is acceptable
or that your name carries weight

It's the same piece, week after week
With drugs in your system
and stoic aromanticism

How do you expect to write a novel
When ideas melt in tablespoons
or are blown in dusty clubs

You sit and watch rain fall in archaic gravel pits
By a window, long overdue for cleaning
and Jandek plays mournfully

Watch as that jaundice coloured sky opens
When the winds overturn dustbins
and form trash streams, ironic

Another languid day you waste on cannabis and ennui
Whilst the world burns; it's people raving
and the war is raging

we sang along to Joy Division
and listened to Ian Curtis' voice
spell out the truths of love and life
too afraid to listen
so we smoked a bit more

we got high
very high
we couldn't walk in straight lines
you said your legs were like lava
so we hid away in each others' embrace

he said love will tear us apart
he was right
but I never expected it to be
as blissful as this

i am alone.
    no really, this time i am.
there's nobody else here.
   be careful what you wish for.
nobody to stop me
    i can't be saved from myself.
i am going          to crack


        blood will spill
from these
                    pretty white wrists
onto         the bathroom          floor
my    mom                     spent
    so         much time        working on
to make perfect
            unlike
her imperfect
                   daughter


mom i'm sorry
you had to come home to this
mom i'm sorry
i could never be what you wanted
mom i'm sorry
i've caused you so much pain
mom i'm sorry
for making you pick up the pieces
mom i'm sorry
i smashed them after you finally go them back together

dad
you were never here
but i know you wanted to be
and i'm sorry you couldn't
i'm sorry
i never appreciated you
(i'm sorry
i failed you, too)

i'm sorry
i thought you could fix me
and got angry
when you couldn't
and left.
i'm sorry
i caused you so much pain
and blamed it all on you.
i'm sorry
i'm not who i promised you
i would be.
i'm sorry
i never came back
even though i promised i'd never leave
i'm sorry
for every single thing
i ever did to you

                                                                                   "don't be sorry"
                                                                             yeah, okay.

i wonder what life would have been like
if we had worked out
i wonder if i'd be miserable
or you'd be miserable
i wonder how long it would take us
to hate each other
(i wonder if you hated me when you broke up with me)
i wonder if i was ever good enough for you
or if you were ever good enough for me
i'm sorry about your dad, too
                                                                                         i hope i don't see him when i go

you killed me
you took the blade
and you ran it down my skin
you pierced it
you watched
and you decided it wasn't enough
you took a sharper one
and even though i was still bleeding
you ran it down my arm

                                                                                                     "i'm sorry for hurting you."
                                                                                    if that were true, you would have stopped.

and this time
there is nothing stopping me
and i can feel it
and i can see it
but then
   i remember
               her

(and i can't
do any of it)

so i take a breath
and the razor falls
and i am not alone
        *not this time

this state is full of dead bodies.
where i once told you i loved you

this state is where you never felt anything for me.
(but maybe we can still be friends?)

this state is who i once was two years ago
when i held your hand and she took a picture of me kissing your cheek.

this state is where i broke up with my second girlfriend
because she was never going to be enough for me.

this state is where i laid in the bathtub late at night and wondered
what was enough for me.

this state is where i dug up my feelings for you
and waited all day to meet you.

this state is where i buried everything
and became something new entirely.

this state is where the lies began
and where they would end.

this state is where i fell in love again
but it was the same old love story.

this state is where you never loved me.
so i had to get out.

this state is where i started to think about forever
but forever lasted only a week.

this state is where you lied and said you loved me
but i'd never believe you.

this state is where old feelings resurfaced
and i hated myself again.

this state is where my heart lies
shattered pieces scattered between cities.

this state is where i broke
without enough resources to be repaired.

this state will never be enough for me
and i will never be enough for it.

watching movies about serial killers again.
failing to see the difference between
what they did to their victims
and what you did to me.

maybe you never
pressed a knife against my neck
or tried to **** me
(so to speak)

but torture is torture
and there were blades against wrists
****** nights spent crying
wishing i was out of your realm
wishing your grip wasn't so right
wishing it was over
wishing i was dead

and maybe unlike a serial killer
you hadn't murdered me
but i sure as hell
wish you had