I'm dancing with my Muslim friend,
Tutoring with a lesbian,
Sharing quotes with the physics kid,
Night-running through campus lit,
Dreaming of journeys from deep within,
And nothing at all feels alien.

In the passenger seat,
I'm watching you,
Squeezing your hand and laughing.
We're on the highway,
Headed toward a night
Of jolly celebrating.
For five months,
I've called you mine,
Sprinkling kisses
Where the sunset now rests.
You turn to me and grin,
Out comes a burst of giggles,
And I'm eight months in the past,
Not thinking of our future.
Your eyes that look my way
Become the set that glanced that night,
Our first date on a similar evening,
Once fearing,
Now beckoning moonlight.

I'm skipping and laughing,
Twirling and throwing back my head.
Your arm is around my waist
And lips against my smiling teeth,
So healthy.

It starts with a cough,
And I'm crying and shivering.
You're cold and distant.
How could I welcome your touch?
We're ailing.

I swallow the mucous
And clear my throat.
We're fine--everything we want the other to be.
Hug me and hold me.
We're still in love;
This feeling is fleeting.

Then I'm heaving
And weeping.
I'm tired of waiting,
Believing you'll grow up.
Can you take care of yourself?
Then me? A family?

We made plans,
And you became the center of my dreams.
But maybe he wasn't you,
Only who I wanted you to be.
We're dying.

Run after me again.
Sweep me off my feet.
Kiss my forehead,
Reach my mind,
Put your head on my chest
To get to my heart.
We shouldn't feel secure in being apart.

Money is meant to be earned then spent,
Love is meant to be given then received,
Time is meant to be used to its fullest,
And God is meant to make sense of it all.
Believe.

When words are not mine
And I let go of invented ownership,
I am,
Instead,
Merely a steward.
They come more beautifully,
Of their own accord,
Willingly,
Flying through the air
To land on my finger,
For my heart to put them in order
And piece them together.

I may not rhyme
Or make a statement,
But I will breathe these words
Until justice is done,
When my sigh is complete,
And I have represented every feeling,
With genuineness,
And honesty,
On this page,
When I have exhausted the
Integrity
Of my soul
From overuse.

I want to touch you
Like pen to paper,
Making love
Like calligraphy.

Overwhelmed in a new city.
Dim street lights brushing the balcony.
I'm sitting with a friend and temporary roomies--
One German who is giggly and tipsy,
The other rapping--a mixture of English and Portugese.
Our eyes are twinkling as the hours are passing.

I can't stop the laughter.
The topics start serious, becoming lighter,
From the origin of man to experiencing higher--
Politics, stories, our different cultures.
Age is nothing but a number,
And I'm getting louder.

To get away from home
Is to truly become,
To be undefined by where you've come from.
Chicago has a uniquely special hum
And connected me to people who share this same blood.

A surprise competition.
Why do I decide to lose?
I remove myself from the situation
And see she's who he should choose.

She's beautiful,
Good,
The same age;
Shared childhoods.

She's the one Mom loves
The girl to keep her son at home
I'd be fine with the above
Except his heart also sings her hum.

What a story they'd retell
With me a minor character,
A rising action,
An unintentional match-maker.

My life about to fork.
From a hopeful, "Come with me."
To a plot-twisting,
"Go pursue her."

I'm grappling with insecurities
Wanting all of him to love me.
His mother and his memories
Are pulling at his strings.

But he's not budging.
He's here holding me.
Tell me this isn't temporary.
I need him to choose me--
Over and over
I can't share him with her.

My heart is at the origin,
Yearning to follow the radius,
To pass the arc
On the circle of exploited feelings,
The circle in which he can't be found.

I left a city of comfortable people
To experience God away from your steeple.
God is as vast as the clear, South Dakota sky,
Bigger than the sins of nonbelievers and their lies--
Petty problems tearing everyone apart.

He is greater than misquoted scripture,
Emotional phrases by judgmental hypocrites.
Yes, hallelujah to the Christ!
Go ahead and sing Kumbaya with all you've got.
You're trying to bring yourself closer to a God
Who is all around you.
Please stop to listen to yourself and your crew,
The truth is that you're limiting Him.

He's more than your facade and your two-dimensionality.
I'd rather believe in a God of mystery--
A God of gray.
I'm glad to have left your City of Black and White.
My God isn't boring,
He's infinite.

God has an amazing way of tearing down every racist and hypocritical pillar of my legalistic mind.

I’m not sure what God is deriving of my present secrets and future sins, but although evangelicals would tell me otherwise,
I’ve never felt God this close before.

My head on his chest
Fingers drawing circles around his navel,
"You know how if the moon were any closer
Or any farther away,
Our tides would be outrageous?"
A smile creeps along his lips,
"Mmm-hmm."
"And if this earth were any closer
Or any farther way
From our sun,
We wouldn't have life?"
His "yes" trails off.
"Well, that's like you and I--
If you were any smaller
Or any bigger
We couldn't fit together perfectly like this."
He kisses my forehead
And pulls me closer.

Your finger through my belt loop
A smirk across your face
Your shared not stolen sorry
A deep, inviting gaze
A cord wrapped 'round your doorknob
Quick then deeper kiss
Your country songs
My hipster hums
A wide smile spans your face.

I’m next to you
Breathing,
Holding,
Kissing,
Caressing,
You.
Forehead to forehead,
Pupil to pupil,
Lost in your fickle irises,
And mine roll back
When I find myself in your smile,
And I sigh
Content,
At peace
With you.

But my face scrunches.
War breaks out in the creases of my eyes,
In the angle of my frown
As I dwell on your imminent departure
And reject the time between then
And the time we can snuggle like this forever.

My lips are sore.
I didn't see what you had in store.
I'm standing up and heading toward the door,
But you pull me back for more.
I'm doing what's right but being ignored,
So you must not be the one I'm destined for.

I found our letters.
Every word stung,
And I am so sorry for the promises
We didn't keep.

But I'm not sorry for who we are now,
How our current lives have to be.
I loved you,
But Love is more dear to me,
And God is directing me differently.

I don't disappear when life gets hard
Or push those I love away.
Christ didn't hide from the cross
Or shun men who went astray.

My greatest flaw
Is that I expect a lot from people.
I give and take.
I think and do.
I lay back and live.
I am every extreme,
And I believed you to be the same.

My greatest lesson learned
Is that I am so vulnerable
And overlook hard truths.

I made excuses for you,
As I do for myself.
I need to find myself apart from you,
Apart from everyone else.
But I can do this while giving my time
To all of those I love,
To all of those I've neglected.
I can be sorry for nothing
In making up with those who have been patiently waiting
For me to find myself
And who have graciously allowed me to do so.

Many times I kiss you quickly,
My lips darting to and from yours like lightning,
Like a child sneaking a sweet,
Immediately retreating.

I want to kiss you,
Not like I’m taking,
But as I’m giving
All of my love,
Leaving everything to you,
Taking nothing for myself
Except for the few seconds my lips linger on yours.

I want to stare deeply into your fickle-colored eyes,
Kissing you,
Loving you,
Because when I’m giving you myself,
I have everything.

I find the perfect pair of shoes,
Work hard,
Earn the money
To buy them,
So I can run around in them
And fall on my face.

A problem doesn't dissipate
Unless it has been solved.
You might forget the details
But your heart feels all the holes.

The door swung open,
And the wind blew through,
Hair flew out of tightly bound buns.
The priest knew not what to do.

Papers escaped the podium,
Leapt out of hands,
Fell to close-toed shoes,
And the truth became plain to you.

Follow the pages,
Backtrack those steps.
You're needed elsewhere.
Stop turning your back.

I'm shivering,
Listening,
Singing softly.
My voice projects.
I'm breathing deeply.
Words leave my lips
Like ghosts,
Only visible when their clouds
Condense on the windshield,
Expanding then dissipating.

Alone at last,
I make sense apart from busyness,
Singing,
"From time to time I'll pass on by,
But I will never stay."
Because everyone is singing about California,
So certain that their happiness resides in a place,
And chilled to the bone that night,
I'm happy in my sadness,
In my inability to settle where I'm busy
Nor while I'm sitting there
Singing and idling.

I turn the key
For perfect silence
And enjoy the steep drop,
Departing just before freeze.

Our relationship
Has its ups,
Its downs,
But if I were to flip
Through photographs
Of You
And me,
There would be no frowns.

I called on You many times,
Left long, lengthy voicemails.
And You always returned them,
Leaving messages,
And I,
Overlooking,
Failed
To receive them
Until now.

Thanks to
Jesus
For giving You my messages,
Forgiving my tone of voice.
Thank You
For hearing my pleas
And choosing to
Disregard
My curses,
My blunders,
My Job-like accusations.
It was when I found myself
Separated from You
That I realized,
You’ve been with me
Through this whole
Journey.

You’ve given me a Book
To let me know that I am
Forever
Written in
Yours,
That my Savior
Has my name
In the scars on His hands
In the imprint of His heart.


When the phone stops ringing,
Your personal message
Lovingly
Directs
Me
To take out the scrapbook and
Reflect,
To look at our photos,
You and I
Smiling,
Read Your
Word,
Soak in every
Beautiful
Phrase.
And be
Glad,
Rejoice!
For I am Yours.
And You will come back to me
Soon.
You’ve taken out the downs,
With One
Eternal
Up.
Grace.

Anchormen every morning
Famed KC's three-sided hub.
Traffic northbound,
Southbound,
Eastbound,
Westbound.
Honks and blinkers all resound
In one ear and out the other,
Distant memories of highways
I'd never traveled nor cared about.

Now you've brought them meaning
I've passed over every road
Racing to you
Then cruising and dreading visits' endings.

As children in my playhouse,
You climbed and crawled around me.
I did not retain much
Except your joyful,
Distant
Playing.

I remember your great swing set.
You bring to mind my violin.
Regardless of few memories,
You were wildly
Within.

My small hands gripped toys.
Yours pushed off floor and wall.
I was invisible to you then
And your budding
Attention span.

Your eyes darted to and fro
And curls bounced up and down.
Nothing held your attention long
Except your untamed
Singsong.

Fast-forward to the present,
Over a decade later.
We’re laughing uncontrollably,
Dancing through
Hose water.

I was scrubbing my car’s hood.
You were rinsing the passenger door,
Both of us
Occupied
As we’d been
Before.

Your chin rose from the stream.
My arm circles slowed.
Our eyes locked,
And time stood still,
Child’s play
Revoked.

I was nothing to you,
Then I disappeared.
Years brought us maturity.
And reconnection,
Love.

An hour-twenty away
Yet I can't find the time or day
Between work, school, and responsibilities
To burn oil all the way to your place.

I'm constantly on the go.
The time I have is spent hating this flow,
Wrapped up in insecurities,
Feeling like I'm failing at everything

But your arms offer complete release,
Lounging around and being me--
A me I don't have time to be,
Anywhere else but on my knees.

How am I supposed to be happy away from you?
Send me a text and Snapchat a few?
The only idea that softens my brow,
Is a picture of our life together years from now.

Mixtures of green, brown, and blue,
Different in the morning and afternoon.
Look into my steady, aqua eyes.
Don't dart away; show me your mind.

Give me what you're feeling.
My brain is spinning and reeling.
As soon as I register your color,
It switches madly to another.

Keep those wild eyes open,
So I can see the aura you've chosen.
I’d rather you scream at me,
Than keep me here wondering.

I see your future in my neighbor,
The lanky older gent,
Whose smile as he walks on by
Is nothing less than heaven-sent.

I see him walking on our road,
Towering over is little wife,
Her arms are pumping,
And he is waving,
Beckoning me
Look
At our later life.

I had always wondered
Why his lady was so sour,
Eyes stuck on the street
Just continuing her saunter.

This was before I knew
Dementia ailed her,
But her man is persistent
In making memories
Into their future.

The first time I saw him frown
Was when they were apart.
Never had I seen one without the other,
Their love,
Enduring art.

He’s faithful,
Loving,
Caring,
Kind,
And she will keep forgetting
All he does for her
Until she reaches the other side.

I want to believe that our life together
Will come without pain,
Without suffering,
But my neighbor
Down our lane
Shows me
It doesn’t matter,
The strife we encounter,
As long as we’re together.

You’ll watch over me.
I’ll take care of you.
No matter what comes our way,
This love is here to stay.

I didn't think I could love you more
Than I did that day
When I looked into your eyes
And let your giggles fall to the kitchen floor
And surround me,
With the realization that my life would lack everything
Without you there beside me.

I didn't think I could love you more
Than I did that day
When you threw all caution out the window.
I had washed the strep from my clothes and sheets
And made clear to you the boundaries for your safety,
But you kissed me stubbornly,
Full and passionately,
Risked your health just to be there with me.

I didn't think I could love you more
Than I did that day
When I cried on your shoulder
And told you all of my shameful secrets,
Not expecting you to forgive me or think of me the same,
But you wiped away my tears with a soft stroke of your hand
And told me you love who I was and who I am.

I didn't think I could love you more
Than I did today
When my family grew with the addition of yours.
I laughed until I cried with your cousin,
Held you close as we flew through the fields,
And I met your many morning wake-up calls and kisses
With dreams of our love-filled future.

I won't think I can love you more
Than I will that day
When we're all gathered together.
I'll watch you place the ring on my finger.
I'll tell you 'I do'
And I'll continue to love you more and more every day,
Although I'll never think it possible.

Hold me close.
Kiss me hard.
Wrap me in your passionate arms.
Let your tears run to my hair.
Mine have certainly beaten yours there.

You may not see me for months.
I may not see you for weeks,
So press those lips against my cheek.
Let them leak your words so sweet.

Look into my yearning eyes.
Allow yourself to join my cry.
Whisper all your promises,
Because I have not left yet.

When you're at my side,
All thoughts and fears aside,
Your arm around my waist,
And morning is your taste,
We need not worry,
What they think of our story.
Holding you at night
Feels nothing less than right.

God is our only witness
To our pure love, resulting happiness.
Why should we give a care
To hidden sinners' snares?
If only God can judge,
Then I will never budge:
When people gossip and criticize,
I'll regard them lies,
'Cause God gave me you,
And our purity is true.

So kiss me longer,
Feed the hunger,
Pull me even closer,
'Til night brings you slumber.
Satisfy your need,
Share scripture they should heed:

"I know and am persuaded
In the Lord Jesus
That nothing is unclean in itself,
But unclean for anyone who thinks it."

I control our conversations,
If I can call them that at all.
I phone to hear your voice,
But with short sentences,
My heart falls.

I love you.
Three words no wider than four letters long
That carry the whole weight of the universe.
Words we utter to each other so often,
Bystanders would consider them disingenuous.
But, baby, I mean every syllable.
When I look into your eyes,
When I watch you watching me,
My breath catches
And my heart feels oversized.
I try so hard to personify my love for you
In kisses, hugs, tugs, and strokes,
But kisses and hugs are created by candy makers
And tugs and strokes are done by artists.
Both of which, I most certainly am not.
However, I strive to convey my feelings for you,
Because I am sure of few things but this:
I am madly,
Ferociously,
Unbelievably,
Relentlessly,
Incandescently,
Everlastingly
In love with you.
I love you with a love that has never been given
From any other woman to a man.
I love you with an immortal love
That is once-in-a-lifetime
And can never be repeated.
Our love is holy,
Unconditional.
I. LOVE. YOU.

I remember our good times.
I miss thinking you were in love with me,
Even if it was a lie.

It,
I once believed,
Was a disease,
A contagious plague
And that everyone around me quickly
Fell victim.

It,
A syndrome to which I was
Immune,
Resilient,
Impervious.
But now I see.
It is a rarity,
Not just a symptom of feeling
But a way of being.

It
Is not affected by medicine.
An antibiotic dissipates
The blight that is infatuation.
But passion is temporary
With symptoms
Hugs,
Kisses,
Caresses,
That are yet signs of It.

It
Is instead fed by life,
Does not infect,
But cleans and washes anew
The few people on this earth
Blessed to have their life completely changed by It
Forever.

It
Is love.

As soon as I knew I was losing someone I loved--
Knew that things would never be the same--
I numbered the days
And made every one count.
I was there,
Laughing more,
Listening more,
Loving deeper than the time we had before.
Because making the most of the time you have
Makes the time afterward more bearable.

Droplets gathering,
Magnifying freckles,
Your body is hugging mine.
Water is running down your face,
Catching my nose,
Sneaking to my mouth,
As my lips go pressing themselves
To your strong chin,
Fingers tracing your jawline.
Close your eyes, darling,
And let the water race.
Focus on my touch.
Let your body melt to mine.
Send away the space between us,
Let me lather you with love.

Toe to toe,
Grasping, caressing.
Chest to chest,
Stretching, curling.
Waist to waist,
Yearning, pleasuring.
Lips to lips,
Inhaling, exhaling.
Mind to mind,
Learning, loving.

Growing up being told you're smart,
Making straight A's,
Hitting those marks;
You started to believe you were something great.

The truth is,
Tens of thousands of valedictorians graduate every year.
Most don't change the world
In the way you wanted to.
Some become parents,
Work those 9 to 5 jobs;
Too busy living a typical life,
Not studying or traveling abroad.

You thought you were different.
Now can't you see?
To **** the marrow out of life
Is to live privately,
And the attention you seek
Will come from friends and lovers locally.

I wish I had a magic mirror
To show me your peaceful slumber,
I could watch you there sleeping,
Instead I’m awake here dreaming.

I'm running through the door
To your meadow.
Tall grass of green
Sprinkled with yellow.
My feet sink in soil so soft.

I'm crossing over the white picket fence
To your ocean.
Oysters with life.
My tears add to salt water.

Just let me be.
Let me finish this cup.
Watch me spin around the room
With my girls
And laugh it up.

Steal no more kisses.
I'm human not lonely.
Stop trying and prying.
I'm a woman
Who knows what I've wanted.

My plans change
'Cause I'm thinking beyond today.
Life gets better and better,
But when I've said a firm "No",
I don't switch like the weather.

My eyes crinkle
On their own accord.
My lips curl
Forming every word.
I promise that they mean no more.

When I'm missing you,
I'll see you running towards me in the rain,
Sneaking in the back door just to see my face,
I'll hear you singing your heart out at church,
Your joyful smile turning to me,
I'll feel your weight evenly distributed
And the mole on your back under your tee,
I'll taste your morning kisses
When you came up the ladder to wake me,
I'll smell your thick and dark hair
As I kissed your head resting on my chest.
When I'm missing you,
You'll still be with me.

Before I knew you,
When I was dreaming of you,
I watched you.
I looked into your life,
At your friends in your photographs,
And I wished I had the honor to join them,
To be an important piece of your life.
How magical it is,
How beautiful it is,
To be underneath your arm now,
Laughing at your friends' jokes,
Closer to you than they ever will be,
My best friend and lover.

I go back in time
When I look at a picture
And feel as I did even clearer.

Look at how happy
But shaking with fear.
Let's flip pages to now, to here.

The happenings behind his eyes
Are in the open and real,
In his actions, words--so surreal.

He's teaching me to drop my worries,
To embrace all valid emotions.
His logic completely discourages confusion.

"Can I love again?"
Yes, in fact, stronger than before.
It's spiritual, humbling--I'm unconditionally adored.

He's fearless and giddy,
Can't see my reservations.
He blindly removes them, my liberation.

My man likes to giggle—
Mr. Optimism,
His smile unmistakable and broad,
With a contagious look on the bright side.

He completes what is required
And lays back to enjoy the rest of the ride,
While life has got me on edge.
I work long past his bedtime.

He sees life behind a lens
That supersedes his passion for pictures.
My man simply admires me
As I spend time analyzing him.

This doctor fell for an artist.
I thought he’d be a lawyer-type.
But what I thought I wanted
I’d now be dreading.

Because I love driving home
To embracing arms and long kisses,
An eager ear and nodding face,
No negativity, demands, or competition.

I’d rather my man love me enough
To laugh at jokes not understood
Than to talk over me
And criticize me for being different.

When he and I started dating,
Our similarities stood blatant,
But now our differences are evident,
And I love him all the more for them.

Running my hand across your cheek,
The ocean breeze through hair so sleek.
Kissing your face,
Rosy and beige,
The sunset over pacific wake.
Connecting the freckles that dot your shoulders,
The sand stretching the beach forever.
Wrapping your leg around my waist,
I’m suspended perpetually in this wave,
The anchor demanding this vessel to stay.

Lips parting and melting into mine,
As if we’ve soaked up too much sunshine.
The stars and all those galaxies,
Gently revealing their light to me.
Your wide smile,
Your bursts of giggle,
The moonbeam reflecting off water for miles.
Your saccharine smell,
Your pleasant taste will tell,
Of the perfume on the wind
That the tide is bringing in.
And I’m leaning into your whispering,
Words spilling from the deep,
The bubbles from ocean trenches sneak.

Realizing I’ve been camping in the cold,
Coastal temps have been too bold.
Enduring these long summer nights,
Eager for your early sunrise,
Wishing to be ever caught in your undertow,
To never letting go
And finding treasures galore,
In you, my sea shore.

I should be running away from you.
I'm trying to stop caring and wanting
To know more,
Say more,
Listen.
You've been through a lot,
And maybe your mystery is what's sustaining these feelings--
How you've remained happy
After losing so much,
So many.

Mornings greet me frantically
With persistent beeping,
And my hand reaches groggily
For more time to be sleeping.

My finger finds the snooze
Once, twice, thrice
As if I have all day to lose.
A few more minutes will suffice.

But this unusual morn,
My lids part to silence.
I turn over forlorn
From the emptiness of your absence.

You make my night,
Then play in my dreams.
When I wake to first light,
I expect you next to me.

I prop up my body,
Scan the pillows with my eyes,
My vision so foggy,
Believing my mind’s lie.

I rest my head back in place
And smile as I figure,
One day you’ll fill that space
When a ring is on my finger.