Everything you see
Must remind you of me.
I'm sorry that you struggle,
But I've moved past our troubles.
You're trying to rid every memory of me,
While I remember it all and regret nothing.

I'm not sorry
For most of my apologies
You see, I'm sorry for inevitably hurting others
But if I was everything they wanted me to be
We wouldn't be happy.

I've felt stress
Daily.
But the load has never this bad, baby
My head is pounding
My stomach is twisting and burning
I want to wake up in your arms
I want to be reminded every morning that you're there to save me
From myself
But I can't save the world in bed with you

I'm getting everything I want
But I can't have it all together
My head is cloudy
Worries flying to the forefront of my consciousness
Each stressor fighting for my attention
My shoulders aren't broad enough to carry the load
It's spilling from my eyes
And landing on the corners of your perfect mouth
I try to localize the pain within my arms' reach
So nobody else gets hurt
But you've stepped into my arms
And I'm letting you taste it from my lips

What do I want?
Without the factors?
I want to come home to you every day
Starting right now
But I can't...without changing your well-established life
And I don’t expect you to follow me
But I pray to God that you wait for me
As I pack my schedule
Work tens of states away
Study with hundreds of miles in between us
I hate feeling like I'm choosing this over you
Truth is, I want to stay with you more than any of this.
When I’m with you
There’s no way to fail and nobody to disappoint
You’re safe and I WANT TO STAY HERE
My heart is telling my head, stomach--every part of me
That I want you this summer and always
But I'm working and studying for more than myself and even for you—my favorite part of life
In Maine I truly feel like I'm contributing to science, toward a cure for glaucoma
As an optometrist, I'll be able to help thousands of patients see the world
I can't possibly be in this for the money, either
I'm taking so many hits in the process of trying to make the biggest impact I can on this world
I’m a bundle of insecurities with a bizarre responsibility to use what little I have to make lives after mine better
It’s why I pick so many battles
Care so much about politics
Organize all of these committees
Kiss babies and stare off into their futures
Decide to uncomfortably go out and softly tell my truths
It’s why I chose to be a scientist and a doctor.
But it’s costing us—and it kills me that it’s costing you, too.
You’re a main character in this crazy, transitional chapter of my life
And I hope you’ll stay for the rest of my book.

Explain this love, please.
How can this be?
I'd give up my life to make sure you're happy.
When you're not with me,
This beating heart is empty.
This hand belongs in yours solely.
Science cannot tell me
This love is chemistry and biology,
Because my lips will forever seek yours only.
Then I think of our story divinely.
The Father, the Son, and the Spirit collectively.
God Himself answers my question relationally.
It's you and me,
With our God, our Love Trinity.

I was wrong about you,
And you were wrong about me.
I will never know you,
And you will never know me,
But let's think the best of each other,
Remembering the good times we had.
We couldn't figure each other out,
But we had a little fun trying.

Sing me to a different place
Smooth phonation,
Give me space.

There's not enough room here for my thoughts and me.
Will I ever be content in this reality?

Pray for me.
Beg on my behalf.
Because God favors you
And won't bother with this heathen.
Be sure to be short with me,
While revealing your heart--
One puffed up with righteous pride
And pouring the salt.

I run through Your meadows,
Climb up Your trees.
Is it that I'm chasing You?
Or are You chasing me?

I trip on my journey,
You're the moss between rock and knee.
I reach too high,
You're the branch underneath.
I'm running to or from Your mercy,
But it's all around me.

You command oceans to rise,
Direct lightning where to strike.
How can You be the same God Who gives grace,
The same God Who sets free?

I've been running so hard,
But the race finished long ago.
Thank You for stilling my feet,
So I can stand here and know
That Christ is sufficient for me.

I'm running,
Panting,
Arms pumping hard.
I don't know where I'm sprinting to,
But I know what I'm running from.

You're the most complicated problem
I've ever tried to solve.
You're the best at hide-and-seek
And somehow I've hidden you
Under piles of rhetoric
Religiosity,
Philosophy,
Science,
Shame.

Tell me I'm Yours.
Help me feel like I don't have to be sorry,
Like you've already forgiven me
Before my heart begins to sink.

I can't love the way I want to love You
Until I accept the love You have for me.
I'm tired of pushing it away,
Of pushing You away.

For most
Rain brings gloom,
Sadness, pain.
As the sky greys
Darker and darker,
Rain pounds noisily
On rooftops
In annoyance.
But
The rivers swell,
Plants become turgid
As love does the same
To my heart.
Drops gather in your hair,
Form small streams on your face,
And I ache.
Not from weather-induced melancholy
But from the desire to be those drops.
For my fingers to be planted atop your head,
My hands to run down your face,
Then your arms,
Reaching for your heart.
For your soul.
Cloudy skies bring me hope
That we'll get stuck in the downpour
Together,
Holding each other
As ponds hold the runoff,
Wishing the sun stay hidden
From this moment,
Unable to evaporate this love.
This powerful, thunderous, raining
Love.

Tell me all your secrets,
All your mysteries.
What is going on
Behind your furrowed brows,
Behind your eyes,
Watching me so lovingly?
What are you thinking?

You sprinkle me with kisses.
I taste your sweet tongue.
Our lashes dance together.
Cheek to cheek,
We embrace each other.
We're so close,
But I want to be nearer.

You’ve given me your heart,
But the words written upon it
Are foreign to me.
Read to me
My friend,
My lover,
My hero.
I want to know all of you.

Warm and sunny now
But still frigid in mountains
Choosing swim or ski.

Writing in pencil
Fear of mistakes and blunders
Finally scribbling in ballpoint.

Words in confidence
Met with silence or brief sounds
Noise of a listener.

Destination mind
Frustrated by journeying
Time to live positively.

Tennis scholarship
Mix of love of game with coin
Passion lost in season.

Summer sweat and laughs
Racket in hand, ball bouncing
Serving to future.

The point, comma, dot
Separating, ending, stop
Punctuation--final.

Useless helping hand
Without smiles, kind words, or love
Generosity.

We make love
The way it should be.
I love you,
And you love me.
In asking for nothing
We're gaining everything,
My selfless lover.

"Don't get in your own way."
My eyebrows furrowed
Then raised as I nodded,
Mouth curled,
"Do you know what I'm trying to say?"
Heavy lids,
Eyes wet with understanding,
"Yes, absolutely."
I sighed,
Smiled,
And let my heart soar.

Heart-broken,
Down-trodden.
He's a thief,
She's a liar,
I'm a heretic,
But it still hurts.

I'm torn between love and disappointment.
Wanting solitude
And finally granted it.

You make my day
Two hundred miles away.
I'm smiling to your corny texts,
Giggling to your message's melody.
But with hands coming together,
My skin aching for yours,
I'm waiting,
Waiting,
Waiting
For you to be here
Someday.

One day long ago
I ripped up a journal,
Ashamed of what I wrote.
Sometimes I wished I could erase the past.
I'd despair and self-criticize.

I knew nothing of grace
Until my mistakes were put into perspective.
I try the best I can
Yet I sin,
Pray,
Again and again.

I'm always good intentioned
And have legitimate reasons for it all.
I don't think I've hurt anyone,
Continuing to fall.

I loved you once,
And I'll love him when I'm done with you.
This time his grace will match mine
When I tell him what I thought we had.
I'll forgive him for the things he shared with her,
And we'll take our lessons and our pasts
Uniting them in our future.

I won't rip up my memories
Or trash the broken pieces.
My body and spirit were never damaged
But living a phenomenal story.

Take me away from here.
I don't care where we go.
I just want your hand in mine,
As we explore the "more" I'm searching for.

Let me dance among tulips,
But keep me in your sight.
Watch me run toward the ocean,
But meet me on the shore.

Open your mind and heart with me.
Take all this newness in.
Savor these flavors 'fore they disappear.
Capture scenes with your mind's eyes.

One foot in front of the other.
Bring our bodies to new heights.
See the world from high above,
Then join me down below.

In a field,
Along the shore,
At the table,
Atop a mountain,
Under covers--
Take me.

I'll go anywhere with you.

I’ll make my bed
If we can mess it up later.
I’d rather you and I be tangled up in the sheets
Than I neatly tucked in without you.

My dear friend received a letter from you.
A note written by a deceived elder,
Whose words were motivated by goodness,
Sent out of your pastoral duty.
But, you must be oblivious to the hate in your ink.
A warning,
An invitation,
To excommunication.

Excommunication.
The threat found on your paper,
Missing from the Bible,
And your Book of Mormon,
And your Doctrine and Covenants.
Appropriate for legalistic religion,
But the polar opposite of Christ.

Fornication.
She left her father and mother
And is united to him.     1
Before each other,
They knew no one else,
Promised to each other
Forever.
Reminiscent of Abraham and Sarah,     2
Isaac and Rebekah.     3
God doesn’t see certificates,
But committed love.
Can you?

Alcohol.
Noah made use of his vineyard,     4
And Jesus made wine from water.     5
Encouraged for ailments,     6
A blessing bringing joy,
Can become sinfully abused.
God can tell the difference.
Can you?

Tattoos.
If she cannot mark her body with ink,     7
You cannot cut hair at the sides of your head,
Or the edges of your beard.     8
Were the vegetables in your garden,
Or the fruit from the market,
Forbidden for three years,
Before you ate them?     9
All these ancient commandments,
Are found in the same chapter.
Jesus looks passed them.     10
Can you?

Gossiping.
You have heard of rules broken,
Number those proven.
Your ear leaned toward gossips,     11
As you rejected the woman slandered.
God sees the people behind their sin.     12
Can you?

Hypocrisy.
Woe unto hypocrites,     13
Charlatans,
Frauds.
You deny communion to her,
But did you do the same for your daughter?
Was she rejected when she birthed your grandbaby,
A *******?
Or was your daughter, like my friend,
Repentant,     14
Tired of being told who God is,
In the throes of figuring God out?
When you partake of communion,
Are you worthy?     15
Jesus allowed Judas to partake of His holy sacrament,     16
And invites us all.     17
Can you?

She loves Jesus,
To whom she prays,
Her boyfriend,
Who sleeps by her side,
Her friends,
Who she shares an occasional drink with.
The tattoo on her foot,
Reads “Love”
In calligraphy as beautiful
As the love in her soul.
Jesus sees this.
I hope you see it, too.

Love your God with all your heart,
Soul,
Strength,
Mind.     18
Love your neighbor as yourself.     19
We both are praying for her,
But I’m also praying for you,
To know the God of love,     20
Who is jealous for her,     21
And for you.
He wants you to love Him,
And He wants to love on you,
But your worship of religion is getting in the way.
Stop your adultery,     22
And run back,
Prodigal Son,     23
To your true love,
Christ.
There’s room at His table for a sinner like you, me, her, and all.
And our Jesus,
He,
Alone,
Writes the invitations.
You are not to review,
Stamp,
And mail them.
But only to accept and share the One He sent to you.

*

1 Genesis 2:24; Genesis 2:30 (Inspired Version)
2 Genesis 11:29; Genesis 11:18 (Inspired Version)
3 Genesis 24
4 Genesis 9:20; Genesis 9:27 (Inspired Version)
5 John 2
6 2 Samuel 16:2, Proverbs 31:6, Mark 15:23, Luke 10:34, 1 Timothy 5:23
7 Leviticus 19:28
8 Leviticus 19:27
9 Leviticus 19:23-24
10 Romans 3:23-26
11 Proverbs 11:13, 20:19, 26:20-22
12 Isaiah 43:25-26
13 Matthew 23:13
14 1 John 1:9
15 1 Corinthians 11:27
16 Matthew 26:24-26
17 1 Corinthians 11:28
18 Luke 10:27
19 Matthew 22:39
20 1 John 4:8
21 Exodus 20:5
22 James 4:4
23 Luke 15:11-32

Laying in bed,
Starting to pray,
Trying to find the perfect words to say,
I stopped and felt God here suddenly,
Knowing exactly how I'm feeling,
And it's suddenly not irrational.
It all makes sense
And doesn't.
It's like He knows I'm missing you,
He respects it
And loves it.
He created me to miss you this way.

I've always wanted a man
To make me a sandwich,
To cry like a girl,
To clean my house,
To let me drive his truck,
To listen to my ideas,
To corroborate instead of dominate
And make me feel his equal.

I've always wanted a relationship
To follow God's design.
I'll never be inferior
Even with a man at my side.

I've never believed modern women
Should 'be silent',
'Stay in their place'.
I lied to myself for years,
But religion should be disgraced.

Yeah,
Maybe I'm sensitive.
I won't laugh at these jokes
For the same reason I don't find
*** trafficking,
Domestic violence,
Or the fact that it took years for women to vote in this country
Funny.

You can laugh your way to a lonely life.

Today,
I'm regretting what is behind us
Or making plans for our beyond--
Beyond today.
I live in the past or the future.
Hold me and encourage me
To live today with you.

I can't enjoy this life
Rewinding or fast-forwarding in my mind.
Let's just press play.

Laughter,
Chuckles,
Spinning rooms,
Controlled words
Mixed with loosened tunes.

Spin me,
Kiss me,
Ignite my night.
I'm studying
Yet fun arrives.

Nightly calls,
Daily emails,
Long, sweet texts
Must not be enough.
His flight gets in tonight,
And we're both on top of the world.

The other night
I fell asleep slowly then suddenly,
Day-dreams of you molding into my slumber.
In between light and deep sleep,
Just after my eyes flutter closed,
I see you approaching me,
Your eyes steadfast on mine,
Your smile unending,
I feel your hands on my waist,
Your arms embracing,
More vivid than the blankets enveloping me.
You spend all day with me,
And you follow me home
To play with me in my dreams.
With you miles away,
We fell asleep.

I'd give up my hopes,
I'd give up my dreams,
Because you're the only one
I love down deep.
Deeper than my reputation,
Deeper than my pride.
You teach me,
You love me,
Everything seems outside.
I don't give up on these,
And keep reaching toward my goals,
Because I know you support them,
You support me.
But it kills me to be kept from you.
I hate how missing you hurts so badly.
But we're working for these,
And we're working for us.

When a girl dares to open
Her pretty, little mouth,
Think of mine
On yours so soft.

I know you're bashful,
Humble,
And shy.
But, hon, know
You're one attractive guy.

When she bats her eyes
And crosses her legs,
Point to your ring
With a smile on your face.

I love you, darling,
Like she never will.
You're handsome
And loyal,
And you're all mine.