I backed away,
Backed up because that was expected,
And actually I scared myself.
I ran into you like it was
An act of fate that put us
In the same room, an act of fate
That left us breathing the same air
And left me out of breath,
Struggling to understand
Why that girl's hand on your shouler
Enraged me...
I made my claim,
But you accepted it like
A boy who accepts an award
He doesn't deserve to earn
All pride, and no love
Where is the love, the magic?
At times you touch me like you
Have it all underneath your
Fingertips, head to toe
Other mornings I'll wake up
Feeling cold, laying beside you
Never wrapped up within you
Please,
Tell me what you want
Don't let this get away
It deserves to be noticed...

Sometimes I think of how my body must be so coiled up inside, emotions hugging the stretch of my bones, sadness wrapping itself in the in-between of muscle and ligaments. A maze...

I'll never make it out of myself.

we sat on the uncomfortable creaking fold out chairs, me beside people i barely knew but who knew you better then i ever did. there was not enough, not enough flowers, music, laughter, pictures, energy...the room felt like everything had been ****** out of it as soon as we all congregated. dear god, i am so sorry...i know death can feel like a prickly heat consuming the whole body, i shook your sister's hand and she looked at me waiting, but i didn't know what else to say. we sang one song, and all i could do was look out at the window at the sun shining on the leaves of the tree...i envisioned you underneath it with a joint and one of your hippie dresses saying, "kelly, c'mon, life isn't so bad..." you were a wonderful person, i'm ashamed it took me longer then it should have to realize that.

all i ever asked was for a little clarity,
to clear the space to make room for me
to see my breaths, to make the marks
in the air, know that if i were to
press my hand across my chest i would
feel some kind of heart beating,
i have become so hardened of
anything besides regrets
and resentment,
some more bitter thrown
all over me,
and sinking under my skin
they turn and point at me,
my skin turning black with
that kind of poison,
god, do you know what this is?
what is happening to me,

sometimes i don't even
feel human

Emptiness,
All I seem to feel is you
Inside of me,
Throughout the veins
which have long stopped
Pulsing
You have gone,
Vanished into another lover’s bed
And I am stuck here
In this dingy hell
With the burning sheets
And the night as
Black as black
Black
Is all I see
And when I go to reach
For some part of you
For one last time
All I feel are the crimes
That you have committed
And the heat against my ribs
This is the final say,
The final truth
The final spin at something
Worth holding onto
And you let me go,
While I purposely let you

I didn't realize that the moments I shared with you, would have to be tucked neat and pretty into the crevices of my heart. I didn't realize that I would be left to remember for the both of us, or that the friend that I should have been was nowhere to be found. I'm sorry. I know in comparison to others you knew, it doesn't matter. My memories are slim, and fleeting glimpses. But I wanted to know you better, more, I wanted to be a sounding board and instead I let your secrets fall from my mouth like stolen gems. There's no one else here to blame. God, you are so brave, I can barely stand it.

When I first met you,
I already had begun to make
excuses for you.
The things that you were lacking,
were replaced by something else
and where you had missed,
I had noticed

So when you ask me to take the good,
with the bad, but there is so much good to be had,
I wonder if my body, my heart
is capable of enduring your pain,
Because yours will become mine,
and while I know I am going
to try and save you,
Play the superwoman I know I can be,
I am going to be disappointed
Again and again

When you choose this
over me