I laid beside you again,
An act that I realize now
Has become sacred, cherished
Because I never know when
the last time will be
I count the seconds, hours
Until you awake,
Look at me sleepy eyed
and sleepy faced and it takes
all of my strength not to
reach up and kiss you
good morning, the puzzle pieces
sliding, shifting all over our
playing board but
I'm so tired of playing,
I'm tired of fighting, chasing,
Caring too much and you
caring too little
And all it ever seems to
amount to is me -
Standing alone,
Loving you
While you look at me questioning
why I don't just let go already

I don't have a lot to say to you these days,
Not because I don't want to but
because I would rather hold onto my
sanity.
But hey,
Thanks for trying anyway.

She's crazy.
And she's crazy for you.

I fit nowhere in this equation.
I have a head, that is placed firmly upon my shoulders,
and while my mind may sometimes float in the clouds,
it is only because I am dreaming of better you's.
Dreaming of better possibilities,
and you should know **** well by now,
that I deserve it.

i.
I always offered every part of myself, to you
So when I found out about what she had done,
How she had made you feel
Hurt seeping from your every pore,
I rushed down right away
To be there.

ii.
But in the process, I have realized something
To not put myself first, before you,
Before her,
Is killing me
That is the worst part of it all,
To watch myself continue to give to you,
The things that I no longer have
To watch myself continue to hold you,
When it's all just false comfort
A way for me to feel okay about
the things that have taken place

iii.
I still am trying.
Does that speak volumes,
or am I running around in circles again?
I always wanted to go somewhere with you,
Anywhere but where we remained,
Stagnant,
And you taught me to love,
but in ways that were too late,
In ways that I noticed
Long after the fact
In ways that I could not validate,
Yet you never validated me,
Never any part of me

iv.
I want to know what makes you hurt,
Just like you spilled those ***** secrets to her,
Yet was I never good enough to know?
We shared everything else,
But I realize now that she may have known
you better, within the span of a two week time
I sat on my knees, hands clasped, begging you
You accused me of never asking,
But it doesn't mean I wasn't still thinking,
Wasn't still aching for you to reach out
I shouldn't be the one to pry
I just didn't want be that girl,
Yet she was that girl for you

v.
And look where it got us,
Back to the same place, all over again
Rewind and repeat, and yet

*I'll still be here.

I would tell you that I love
you so insanely much, it hurts me.
But we are not meant
to be here,
like this.

We are not meant to spill our
secrets to one another,
We are not meant to to sleep side by side,
I was not made to be your sacrifice,
and you were not made to be mine.

If a tragic love story has a
tragic ending, ours would be the
most tragic of them all.
Only about a boy who loves a girl,
A girl who loves a boy,
and a world that destined them
to be apart,
not by choice,
but because it just wasn't
meant
to
be.

You love her already....and it's only been 7 days.
It took you months to tell me you loved me,
you waited and waited, showed me and touched me.
So, what is the difference?
She makes you feel alive, and "special,"
so I'm left wondering,
what hides inside my fingertips,
what is waiting to come forth from my lips,
is what I have to give not sparkling,
not magnificent,
not worthy?
If I were to stand beside her,
hip to hip, would you compare like
it meant nothing?
Would you know your choice right away?
Even if we have history, I suppose it means nothing
in the way that she seems to look at you.
Like that.

Her smile is ******* beautiful.
I don't even know what to do with it.
I'm sure you don't either,
You are probably looking at her like she is the
best thing that has ever happened to you,
in a way that you have NEVER looked at me.
She probably is, the best thing.
At this moment in time, I can't be happy for that.
I have so many emotions, sitting at the bottom of an empty bottle,
and her ******* smile is all that I can seem to see.
Not even you,
not even any ounce of you,
Just her.
And I'm sure your life with her will be beautiful,
I'm sure of it.