Is my mother really dying?
Spiritually, I know
Lord, it's hard not to feel broken in two
Legs bent backward, arms twisted behind my back
Chest heaving,
Heart throbbing
Pain, pain, go away
Come again some other day

it's only a toothbrush,
placed in the same exact place as yours
on the bathroom sink,
if she were to walk in to do something as innocent
as check her hair in the bathroom mirror,
she would see it, she would question,
does that make me something to you?
does that push this relationship forward,
to morning breakfasts and cigarettes over coffee,
late nights out and bad attempts at pool playing,
smirks and kisses, and love...
love, is something i cannot ask of you
so tell me, when i place my hand within yours
when my body encircles your skin in the heat of the night
*do you feel like i feel, see like i see?

I.
My heart was in my stomach,
I couldn't look at you without feeling
something, like the something I felt
shortly before you broke things
off with me, but you came back,
You came back around in time

II.
You invited me in like we had never
left off in the shortcomings of November,
You still looked the same,
The house the same,
Your bed sheets felt the same
But your lips, a different story

III.
I don't know what I expected,
looking for change in places it could
never be found
I was searching then, and I'm still
searching now, but you already figured
that out

IV.
We flowed and synched so well,
Like when we sat side by side
one another at the small bar,
People stared at us as I laughed
and laughed...they don't know what
they're missing out on,
Not knowing you, or us

V.
I know that leaves us here,
Wrapped up in the unknown,
but second chances come few and
far between,
So I will take mine with gratitude
and an open heart,
Nothing more and nothing less

just look at her,
she wears the love she receives
it's overflowing, and she has no idea
where it should go
the overspill of others generosity
onto her, the air around her
charged and
here i sit,
here i sit,
should i dare say
that i find myself comparing?
the love you wear,
and the love i hold
are not two in the same
you walk around this town
like you have nowhere to go,
if i told you i could tell,
would you turn your head
in denial?
and if you lost it,
would you do anything...
anything at all,
to get it back into
your undeserving hands?

a blank page,
waiting to be filled,
waiting to be violated and blemished,
waiting to carry every single last burden
it stays waiting, because i can't
seem to reach my expectations
it will never be enough
and i will always come up short
with that puzzled look on my face,
like i didn't know this would happen
like i had no idea at all

I remember those basements stairs,
the smell of cigarette smoke,
and the clicking of beer cans
Girls with long blonde hair and
glow sticks as head bands,
and ripped tights...
Adam stood next to me,
and while I felt connected,
I know I was so far...gone
So, when he vowed
to take care of me
To get me out safely,
I agreed, of course I would agree
I told him we didn't belong here,
but then again maybe I did,
and he didn't
He gave up drinking shortly after,
I continued on into
my own
dark
abyss
I wish I would have listened
the first time around
.

every screaming siren i think of you,
the pictures are turning rusty at the edges,
worn with the coming of the years,
but they make your face appear softer
they make your eyes glassy with understanding
you only have one heart but it's
times like these that i am afraid all it is
filled with is cigarette smoke and hatred
towards his eyes
but you have found the love within
your children and the one thing that is
keeping you chained down to the center
of the earth is not your sanity,
it is only the hope in which you carry within
your fist, the tension within your walking feet,
that someday they will return all that has
been taken away from you,
all that has left you heavy and weighted down
with the sighing of waking up to
another empty day
priceless and smudged at the corners,
*who would have known that you held the
capacity to love them like they
wanted you to