I miss you,
Can't you tell?*

The way my fingers intertwine
on themselves, looking for a hand to hold,
yours were always so small,
despite your rough exterior,
I took every flaw into consideration,
tasted it, held it,      felt it
in my being, and when I told you
that I love imperfections,
I meant yours
and only yours
It was always this simple,
and always this complicated
And we are still breathing here
with our eyes blinded by
our past, the moments when
we became caught up in our
own crafted demise,
when we weren't strong enough
to just say, "No."

I carry you around with me,
like an old picture kept in a locket
chained around my neck,
holding me down,
and the heaviness rests
beside my heart, as it slowly
seeps into
me
I've tried to wear you well,
you would never know,
but others look at me like they
know my hidden secret,
In the way that I walk,
in the way my smile curves
downward, and
I realize
if I don't let you go,
it will be the end of me,
I always wondered how I
could lay beside you at night
and not say a word,
listen to you breathe,
and talk in your dreams,
even then you battled your
demons in secret,
in the times you thought
I wasn't listening,

but I was.

because you always had the right answers.

that's why i came rushing to you,
in a flailing of arms and hands,
rushed words, but still you understood,
like we had our own kind of secret language
hidden from the world

you would attempt to play god,
wrap me up in prayers and calm meditations,
speaking from something other-worldly
but still, it always worked
i couldn't blame you for that
i still can't look you in the eyes and
tell you how badly you broke my heart
i was young, and you were older but you
should have known better, or maybe

this is the way things need to be
you can't let me go because i know i
was the only flesh that you have felt
underneath your palms, and i know all
too well that you took that kiss to mean
something far more important,
you tried to save me,
because i had already saved you

but i will never have all of the answers
like you, christopher.

no
no
no
the fact that he would look into my eyes
and deny me of these feelings
it makes me want to become unborn
to sink back into my mother's womb
and never re-appear
no
no
no
not another drink
not another wasted word
her eyes wash over, she goes unseen
i watch the night soak her within the light
but her heart is dark
this is darkness
this is death, caught within her throat
caught within her running veins
no
no
no
this can't be it
this can't be me
running off the tracks
he asks me again and again with innocent eyes
why doesn't this make sense?
my answers are silent
no
no
no*
one seems to know

i.
he's ranting and
raving again
i wonder if it will ever just

stop

ii.
i count the seconds until the
door slams, until the pain seeps into
his drunk smirk of a smile and
god, i wish
i wish that i could remove
what makes him
hurt

iii.
in turn, she screams and pleads
with him to come down from his
high
to look sobriety in the face,
and declare himself a winner
once and for all

iv.
he will never push past his
stubborn ways, his childhood
still raw and i know his wounds,
because i am a part of him

i'm tired,
i'm tired and i'm fed up,
i'm tired and i'm fed up and
i'm sorry,
i could have been more
for you, for us
i could have told you what you
wanted to hear,
that you were the sun and the moon
and every single star in the sky
that held a wish
but i'm tired,
i'm tired of the nights
where i laid beside you
and felt your hands inside of my
hair, and inside of my heart
reaching,
it hurt me
i tried to pull you up,
i tried to pull you out
your burdens were heavy,
and yet, my shoulders bore the weight
for you

and now,
there's nothing left
for me to give

"you're confused,
isn't that why you're here?"
he speaks in quiet tongues,
always so gentle,
but sincerity lacking
i don't want to talk about the
things that brought us here
the things that have broken us
down... in the quiet,
and in the dark,
it was always the same


i'm here because
i want to be held*

it's as simple as that
i have no other explanation
for the way things are,
or should be,
or could have been

maybe i should have been better,
you always said it was a competition,
and i was never in first place,
no matter how many times you came back
to kiss me, and you always kissed me well
well, this is all i have left
all i have left to show for this self-doubt
a morning hangover, and your side
is empty

i'm always cold,
with(out) you here