you told me you had lost your muse,
the first night we had met,
i glanced over and blushed into
the overhead lights,
i wasn't about to volunteer
my own self
but i secretly knew

i could be her

it's a wonder we are still surviving,
writing and re-living:
past memories and guilt,
pent-up lust and miserable deceit

sometimes i think,
you were the lucky one

dad, i stumble over the words
just as i did as a child,
and you took me in your arms
and rocked me to sleep
numerous nights,
i've cried,
and you've left,
and you keep leaving
me

a child needs her daddy,
a young girl needs her daddy,
a grown woman needs her daddy,
you were never...
present

why,
i could have begged ten times over
for you to put down that can of beer
that whole case completely demolished
i tried to empty the cans into the sink
one by one,
i never got far,
and there was still some left over...

why,
couldn't you have loved me
more, better,
just love me

here i am, 23,
and still longing for your
presence in my life,
instead i try to fill with addiction
and voids,
boys who try too hard for
all the wrong reasons,
and dad,
tell me
why i am so dependent
on the ways of this world
that haven't ever mattered?

were you ever present in my life,
or were you always drunk,
slurring your words and stumbling over
the memories,
like you always have,
as i count the beer cans,
find the beer cans
crush the beer cans,
the **** same beer
that you have been drinking since
i can remember

you used to tell me so many stories,
you used to make them up,
entertain me with your sense of humor
hold me a little closer
dad,
where are you?
where have you been?
your little girl
still
misses
you

i can feel myself inside of you.

i.

my pulse is beating the blood
from your heart that never
took the chance to spill once you
ripped apart-
all our letters,
the pictures,
the words
they're running a marathon
against a wild train wreck which
reeks of the times we spent
wrapped up in...'this'
nothing means nothing
it means
i  can't  deny  our  fate
our hands entangled in each other's hair
the pavement hot,
having everything to bear
having our g o o d b y e s
hanging in mid-air

ii.

there were choices made and i
enveloped inside of myself
giving everything away,
so you wouldn't be able to say
that i left being complete
my insides are churning new
love letters for you
but you threw-
you threw up the ties that
held us in each other's own light;
you gave up the fight,
you gave up the fight

she's gorgeous
that's all i seem to know

and when your eyes start to glaze over
i can't, i need
to look away
you complain to me, whisper in slow syllables,
"this is how it's supposed to be"
my stomach in knots and my hands twisted
i can't, i need
to become her
(suddenly i regret the way my smile curves,
i regret the shape of my body against hers)
and to look at her pursed lips
makes me sick
to think
back onto your thoughts

...rewinding
and i don't care how long it takes
for me to

leave
forget,
leave
forget,

a sick cycle,
a circle that spins,
and i become the center
twirling again,
and again,
over her and what wasn't said

the truth came
tumbling in on a cold
winter wind
i was asleep,
the world became chaos
my grandmother told me to
face my eyes in
the mirror
i found after much
distress,
i couldn't

My palms open up, always.
As your fingers dance across,
and down, down in some kind of
fragmented ballet
sweeping up all I have left
to give to a boy
like you
I know how you are
You're the one
my mother warned me about
You're the
"I should of known better,
Should of learned,
Should of grown"
Everyone else is always right
But me,
I keep spinning the same circles,
until I'm completely dizzy with the thought
of such infactuation,
Always giving too much,
and receiving little to
nothing back
Your world could have been served
to you on a silver platter,
I would have came to you with
so much

love.

"Too much love,"
as you would say.
I had never heard of such a thing,
until I met you.