“You’re overweight,” he says, tapping his finger against his chart of heights and measurements, thighs too big and fingers too plump. I already know. I nod, and continue nodding, listening to the word echo and then fall onto the ground, bouncing and bounding, restrictions that have surrounded my whole life, my whole curvy figure. If I could be like the girls with the flesh wrapped tight and the bones loose and caving in on one another, I would grab the chance before it had a chance to flutter away from my desperately aching hands. When I look in the mirror, I try to remind myself that flaws are flaws and yet they were made to be beautiful, but I see what I see and what I see makes me want to *****, makes me want to close my eyes, makes me want to pull and tug and rip until there is nothing left but a pile of rotting decay. I am stuck, I am back on the playground in sixth grade where the boys would taunt and laugh, point and gasp, as I tried to pretend I looked like everyone else, every other small, petite little girl who didn’t have to worry about these types of things. My clothes don’t fit, I’ve gone through seven pairs of jeans in the last month alone, I look back at the pictures when I thought I was fat, but I wasn’t, I was fine then, why did I think that? I lay in bed beside the man I’m supposed to be with, fully clothed and pushing his hands away from my hips, away from my lips, don’t touch me then if you can’t handle all that I have to give. I’m not her, and she never wished to be me.

i.
when she asked how we met,
we glanced sideways at one another,
smirking to ourselves,
only we know the secret,
and wouldn't she love to know?
"we met at the circus,
no, but really..."

ii.
when in fact, we met by chance,
by accident, but doesn't fate always
have the last word?
we sat side-by-side, touching
and spoke gentle stories to
one another
all night
and in the crowded dive bar,
music blaring, and
drunk people chattering,
i heard every word perfectly

iii.
she seemed surprised that we had
just met,
a blind date,
and yet, i was blinder even still
she excused herself right away,
an intruder on our inside joke
and any judgement was dismissed
we had created something
far more important
far more than intended

iv.
i keep expectations low on all things
if you build a wall, how do
you ever expect to climb over
without falling?
he kept reminding me of my smile,
and so i smiled some more,
until the blush was creeping all over my cheeks,
my face glowing with acceptance
from
this
stranger

i.
the old couch
you, half naked me
resting in between that
one place of stillness of false pretense of
love wrapped within bounds of
human flesh and
thin confusion
we have no idea
how any of this is done

ii.
instead of being welcomed
i was transformed
glancing down at my white cotton dress
pulled so high, so high up
your shirt thrown carelessly
onto the worn carpet
eyes burning
as fingers pull pull pull
on the strings of my innocence

iii.
sighing heavily into your collarbone
i choked
while you covered my body
every inch with your heat
you didn't know
how much i wanted to love
you, this moment
in return, you took it all
every sweep every glance every sharp angle
became your very own
demise

iv.
i drove back home
windows through scent tangled hair
wisps of remnants
i no longer wanted to remember
images ingrained onto my mind
as stars fell from that
black hole of a sky

at the strength of my own hands,
i held you in the holiest of lights
sunshine, and rays, and god...
you were so beautiful to me
did you know that?
you question me like you have no idea
how i ever felt about the things we shared
our whispers in the dark,
and our entangled fingertips
i was holding onto you for dear life
how did you slip away like
this
i wonder, like so many times before
numerous and plentiful
weighing me down like so many unspoken burdens
you want to know i feel,
yet you're not ready to take it like a man
you're not ready to own up to how
this has made me
hard
and
these second chances are like no other
i'm grasping and gasping
for you

to come around
to come back around
to me and my empty and aching hands
they are open, palms accepting
and yet

yet you feel invincible
to these thoughts, these emotions
that you keep
to yourself, because trust is hard to find
wrapped within the lies of a beautiful girl
i was her, wasn't i?
now what's left for me to show?

you hold the world at the edges of your fingertips,
strong and steady and sure, but yet
i don't remember...you
you were never like this
so please,
please tell me, how do i make this okay
within myself, within these months that are flying by,
you're drifting

and in what direction
you never prepared me for this,
i left and you left and now

there's nothing left
at all