We were lying there and I was asking about forever.
You told me you didn't believe in words that had an "ever."
You didn't believe in any happily ever after
not a believer
no everlasting
wheresoever
in your
whatever.

Just a lot of moments and drinking
and calling me and holding me and pulling me
towards your chest or towards your hips
while I'm trying to put things in my head
in reverse
so maybe we'll be born again into this hour
just a little younger than we are now
so we won't have to grow up and leave
so soon.

You say you don't want a relationship but I didn't ask you for one.
I didn't
ask you for one.

All I want is for you to kiss my forehead and tell me you're going to miss me,
maybe for reasons you can't clearly see yet
but you'll miss me in some way when it's midnight
and you're lonely
and you can't ask me because I can't fly
all those miles in just a minute
to get to you.

The only hope I cling to is that
you'll end up calling and I can hear your voice
tell me that everything I have is going to be okay
and that you miss me and that you'll see me
sooner than it feels.

But you'll hang up angry because you let your pretty guard down and called
the girl from home who used to love you separately
from all the things in your life that were promised equally to be evermore
like your mom's marriage
or your grandma's life
or your sister's safety.
You'll hang up and all the memories of everything that was ever
good in your life will flood to the surface and blind you
from feeling so terribly in love with me anymore.
You'll hang up and regret calling in the first place,
but when the line is dead and a tear is falling
I'll be the one whispering "forever" on the other end
of what you're still trying to sever.

I dream of snow - dreaming of whispers -
colliding and beading on the glass;
and the dissipation of dew
from the weeds that grew
in the cracks of my window.

And finally when the memories start to fade..
you get angry.
You get angry because you don't want them replaced.
You push away elements that try to make you forget what you were.
You still want everything that was special to remain special.
Afraid of change, afraid of another person becoming what that person was in your life.
You feel like a traitor, because somebody else is trying to make you feel the way he made you feel.
Question the very being of your choices,
wondering how he would take it if he was still here..
its scary
Scary to let a person deep into where he was in your life...
You struggle to keep your moments as yours only
that no activities with another person will match or pass his.
Its a struggle not to let go..
A struggle to keep what you loved and knew.
Because somehow you build the future in your head,
you wrote a story and he was always a top cast.
But now he hardly appears and somehow you always try and keep him in the script
And keeping away others who want to be part of that cast.
A struggle to hold on to what was,
Because that is what you have ever known,
what you have always known
Who you have ever known.