Apologies seep through
secret seems in my skin
tearing me open with
overflowing apologies
pouring onto my feet
staining them red
sealing shut and
ripping open again
with each change of
your indecisive mind
warm ****** apologies
always sticking around
my toes because
there's not enough
room in my body
there is no
perfect arrangement of
the fragmented pieces
of my heart
to ever fix
what I have done

so maybe i like boys
and maybe i like girls,
or maybe we all just like people.
maybe we're all just people falling in love with other people,
looking for someone to hold hands with
to fall asleep next to
to smile about.
maybe its not about boys liking boys,
girls liking girls,
or girls and boys liking each other.
maybe its about letting people be happy,
because love doesn't chose sides.
it just is.

its how you make fun of everything i do
and how you always leave your clothes behind,
the way you tickle me uncontrollably
and occasionally give me wedgies,
its how you want to be a chef and be a politician and travel the world,
how you always go cross eyed in pictures
and think you're the greatest thing thats ever happened,
how you get unbelievably jealous
and always put me in my place,
its how you've grown to trust me
or at least pretend to to make me happy,
how you dance like an idiot
singing lady gaga and katy perry
and the way you smash me to make me giggle,
its your huge dumb dimples
and your confidence and your humor and your anger,
its the way you look at me until i say what, then never give an answer,
how you call me kellzzz to make fun of me
and never let me win,
its how you hold me all night
and how you snore so ******* loudly,
the way you slap my cheeks and grab my face to kiss me,
the way you call me beautiful even in the messy morning,
its how you're almost as competitive as me
and how you're so freaking smart,
how you taught me about geography and never let me forget it,
its how you love classic movies
and look kind of like jaime lannister,
the way you pick me up till i scream
and always, always make me laugh,
its how you drunkenly told me the words
we both promised we would never say
and how every moment I'm with you
you make me want to say them too

i fell off
the face
of the planet
with lies
and one liners
mixed emotions
scars
slices
scratches
lines
lust
so loveless
echoing disasters down the
cavernous core
of my
blackened heart
jumping
off the edge
like reckless abandon
singing sickly
sweet notes
like
the fourth of july.

Now its my turn
To **** up
The feelings I have for you.
Now its my turn
To pretend looking at you
Isn't nearly impossible.
Now its my turn
To tell you that
All I care about
Is you being happy.
Now its my turn to lie.

I remember the promises we made
On the cold streets of Chicago at 2 am.
I can still see your breath,
When "I'll love you forever"
Couldn't have felt any better.
I remember throwing around a football
Acting like every day was the fourth of July,
Feeling like we were already a family.
I remember hours spent in ecstasy,
Grasping your hand in pleasure.
I remember laughing like I would never get enough,
Happiness becoming second nature.
I remember each day of those three years with you.

But is it possible to fall out of a love
So deep and suffocating?
Because I've been breaking those Chicago promises,
And pretending that I miss you.
I've been losing my mind,
And crashing towards insanity,
Thinking of the things I've done
To **** our forever love.

i wish that i still loved you,
that i had made a mistake
and only just realized
that it made me jealous
to see those pictures of other girls
that your smile
made me want you again
made me remember
how perfect we were.
i want to be in love with you,
you're the only one
that knows about
how i like to be kissed on the shoulder
how i can't ever sleep till its morning
how i lose track of things.
you're the only one that knows
how the fall weather scares me
and its getting cold out again
and i really
really wish
that i still loved you.

your beauty
is strangled
by the destruction you create.
the elegance of your figure,
the grace of your words,
massacred
by the horrors you instill.
everything you are,
everything you will ever be
is reckless
wild
and deadly.

I swear the words took a million years to come out
And reach my ears,
And then a million more for my brain to unscramble them.

Years of
Utter emptiness
Searing pain
Agonizing heartbreak.

Years spent
Punching walls
Sobbing
Screaming.

Highs and lows trading places
Like they couldn't get enough of my
Self hatred
Self destruction
Self annihilation.

Years spent living on extremes,
Over confident, over achieving
Too tired, too alone
Unbelievably alive, unbelievably in love
So reckless, so dangerous.

All of it
Concluding
Culminating
Climaxing
In four words

"Manic.
Depressive.
Borderline.
Bipolar."

And I'll
fall
asleep tonight,
Scared
that i
might be
happy.

its 7 am and you're snoring,
the blinds rustling behind our heads
and the pillows fell off the sheet less bed
your arms encasing me effortlessly
dreaming about beautiful things I'm sure
last night forgotten for the moment,
you still like me while you're snoring
with arms around my stomach
you still think I'm what you want

You give me looks like electricity
blistering through our veins,
biting your lip to bite away secret smiles,
fingers grazing like fire bursting on my skin
searing the edges of my sanity.

We are a mess together,
sharing a passion so perfectly poisonous
for each other, craving that
sickly sweet venom slipping from bitten lips
with bodies drenched in stinging jealousy,
we are, quite simply,
a mess.

Falling into something so
ruthlessly reckless and endlessly entwined in a fit of
passion and hunger so pure and astounding
it has never made sense,
so raw and real and tainted.

So in a few years I’ll meet you
in the cavernous pits of hell

and kiss you
while the scorching flames

tickle our toes.

you told me I'm winning
but don't you see?
i don't wanna play a game,
i dont wanna win at anything,
i just *******
like you
you idiot

I've never been so out of my mind
craving, twisting, clawing my way up
it feels like theres no air left in my lungs
screaming for some oxygen
they're numbing slowly so painfully
searing the edges of my sanity
elevating and escalating endlessly through
the emptiness of us

we don't hug goodnight anymore
we don't talk about the real stuff anymore
we don't laugh as much anymore
we don't touch as much anymore
we don't look at each other anymore
we don't depend on each other anymore
we don't act the same anymore.

and thats okay,
but i miss it.

it just hurts too much to pretend
that i don't
and it hurts too much to pretend
that i do
but everything hurts too much
because no matter
what
ill never be enough
and its time to admit
that your too good
for me
and your too perfect
for me
and you're too in love with
someone else
for me.
because you won't answer
when i say i need you
even when
my life depends on it

i want something you don't
but i'll never admit it
and you'll never see how much
it hurts to pretend that i don't care
because to me you're
more than just the boy i take home,
you're the boy i want to wake up to
and laugh with and make fun of
and do all kinds of stupid things with
like brush our teeth and play taboo
go shot for shot with ****** ***
at 3 in the morning telling secrets
about things I've never said before.

I am in love with you in the way that
you are my insomnia at 4 in the morning,
the one keeping me awake because my
body doesn't remember how to fall asleep without
yours quietly curled around it,
and my brain doesn't understand
why I irrevocably hate you,
or how I can hate and love one person
so much it makes my stomach hurt,
every moment I'm not with you I think
that the distance might **** me
because the sleepless nights and empty beds
breeding incomprehensible hatred
are just because I am
so
*******
in love with you.

you have
      lips that lie
              but
                   eyes that won't.

Am i allowed to be
out of my mind
with sadness,
if  I'm the one
that did the leaving?
because i see you
in every piece of me.
permeating my words,
my thoughts,
my soul.
and i miss you
with every bit
of who i am.
but i can't go back to
sleepless nights,
loneliness,
confusion.
i can't.