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.
k Mar 2013
.
so maybe i like boys
and maybe i like girls,
or maybe we all just like people.
maybe we're all just people falling in love with other people,
looking for someone to hold hands with
to fall asleep next to
to smile about.
maybe its not about boys liking boys,
girls liking girls,
or girls and boys liking each other.
maybe its about letting people be happy,
because love doesn't chose sides.
it just is.
.
k Dec 2014
.
Apologies seep through
secret seems in my skin
tearing me open with
overflowing apologies
pouring onto my feet
staining them red
sealing shut and
ripping open again
with each change of
your indecisive mind
warm ****** apologies
always sticking around
my toes because
there's not enough
room in my body
there is no
perfect arrangement of
the fragmented pieces
of my heart
to ever fix
what I have done
*
k Nov 2013
*
You are **** hits
that leave me breathless
spinning in colors
while we lay in your bed,
you are a slap to my face
with stinging red remnants
flashing across my cheek,
you are a borrowed 
orange
toothbrush leaving
 icy breath
on my tongue,
you are walks around
 this
****** neighborhood pointing
 out
the secret beauty in me.
you are hips wiggling
to blasting music
on early mornings,
and kisses
giggling across my
cheeks, nose, lips.

You are the library
with your thin rimmed glasses
and stupid latin flashcards,
you are scraped knees
and fresh tears because
you would never help me
walk down the stairs,
you are ****** ***
drunkenly challenging me
to go shot for shot
at 3 in the morning.
you are shaking fingers

angry, jealous, afraid.

You are soft snores and

bitten lips, thrown phones
and ugly screamed names.
a shattered window, an unopened
jar of peanut butter.
you are brand new
gray sheets, bodies drenched
in laughter and sweat,
an old flannel shirt,
a broken chair.
you are the things you're
afraid to tell me, the things
I see in your eyes.
you are honest in
the lies that you tell me and sweet
with your terribly harsh words.
you are a mess, a
completely 
confusing, competitive
game.



And oh,
how I love
to
play.
***
k Sep 2013
***
"I like you
as more
than just
the girl
I take
home"

5 am words
sweet like
blackberry
kisses
k Mar 2014
you traced my freckles
with your
fingertips.
you made me forget
about all my
scars.
k Dec 2014
I don't wanna talk anymore
and I don't wanna listen.
I don't wanna believe more *******
and accept more lies.
I don't wanna pretend I don't know
or don't care or don't see it.
I don't wanna love you blindly
or pretend to either.
I don't wanna be a joke anymore
and I don't wanna take you back one more time.
I don't.
I can't.
3
k May 2014
3
its how you make fun of everything i do
and how you always leave your clothes behind,
the way you tickle me uncontrollably
and occasionally give me wedgies,
its how you want to be a chef and be a politician and travel the world,
how you always go cross eyed in pictures
and think you're the greatest thing thats ever happened,
how you get unbelievably jealous
and always put me in my place,
its how you've grown to trust me
or at least pretend to to make me happy,
how you dance like an idiot
singing lady gaga and katy perry
and the way you smash me to make me giggle,
its your huge dumb dimples
and your confidence and your humor and your anger,
its the way you look at me until i say what, then never give an answer,
how you call me kellzzz to make fun of me
and never let me win,
its how you hold me all night
and how you snore so ******* loudly,
the way you slap my cheeks and grab my face to kiss me,
the way you call me beautiful even in the messy morning,
its how you're almost as competitive as me
and how you're so freaking smart,
how you taught me about geography and never let me forget it,
its how you love classic movies
and look kind of like jaime lannister,
the way you pick me up till i scream
and always, always make me laugh,
its how you drunkenly told me the words
we both promised we would never say
and how every moment I'm with you
you make me want to say them too
k Feb 2013
i love your good mornings
the first thing when i wake up,
i love the way you tell me your frustrations
and listen when i whine for hours,
i love the way you disapprove
of my irresponsibility
and the way you care too much,
i love the promises you've made
and the promises that we'll make together someday,
i love the assurance and the safety
that you bring me,
i love the steaming jealousy i feel
every time your gone,
i love the yelling and
the smiles and
the laughter and
the pain.
i love you when we're happy
but i love you when we're not,
because i love
every inch of
who
we
are.
and i love that every day
you make me see
that everything about us
is worth
loving

forever.
4th
k Jul 2013
4th
i fell off
the face
of the planet
with lies
and one liners
mixed emotions
scars
slices
scratches
lines
lust
so loveless
echoing disasters down the
cavernous core
of my
blackened heart
jumping
off the edge
like reckless abandon
singing sickly
sweet notes
like
the fourth of july.
9
k May 2014
9
its different,
for the first time
i don't feel the need
to remain loyal,
i just simply
want to
k Apr 2013
'you have monkey toes'
she always giggled
when we played foot wars
on that smelly old couch.
the couch that we
cuddled on for hours
while she braided my hair
and told me fairytales.
she's the one who made
me believe in all that,
the magic in the world
the fairies and the monsters,
the angels and the saviors.
and she was the one
that always saved me.
but now she's 950 miles
and 16 hours away.
k Oct 2013
she wishes she had blue eyes
but I've never seen so much
fiercety and softness coexist
in one beautiful shade of brown.
to some she seems quiet and sweet
but I've never heard a quiet girl
yell or laugh or burp like she can
with such effortless sense of
not giving a ****.
she looks at me with those
knowing brown eyes
and can just tell
what I'm saying
what I'm thinking
what I'm hoping.
she knows when I'm sorry
and forgives me even when
i dont deserve to be forgiven.
and i love her as if she's been
missing from me my whole life
with her strength and love and
complete understanding of
everything that i am.
she's my best friend
and her name is
Madeleyn.
k Mar 2016
I waste my time
with trivial things
trying to forget,
since I always do that
anyways

I floss my teeth
maybe twice,
Because my gums don't
remember if I have
already

Someone told me I looked
nice in the library today,
was I there?
I must have left my
books behind

And it seems I've burnt
the toast again,
I don't think I was
going to eat it
anyways

I sit on my bed
singing the words that
taste faintly familiar,
drifting
in and out of
dreams of
you.
k Mar 2014
I've always called love
b u l l s h i t.
a thing for moronic gigglers
and naive dreamers
because no one can ever stay
t o g e t h e r.
there is no one person
matched perfectly for each
other person,
there is no destiny or soul mate
or love at first
s i g h t.
we can pretend but
there is no such thing as
f o r e v e r.
you told me someone someday would change my mind.
i'll never tell you but i think its
you.
k Nov 2014
Each time I trust you,
there will always
be something
more.
k May 2013
the first time
you came over
changed right in front of you
told you not to peek,
but my mischievous soul
didn't cared when you did.
the first time you came over
laid in the attic bed,
you held your ear to my chest
as you listened
to my heart fluttering for you.
the first time you came over
whispered for you to kiss me,
you were too innocent
and scared to taste
lips sweet like blackberries.
the first time you came over
we were fifteen
and my darling,
i loved you so long before

that first time
you came over.
k Feb 2013
tickling
tingling
glowing
growing
bursting
burning,

everything is on fire
and the flames
feel
oh
so
good.
k Feb 2015
We're trading hurt for hurt
punch for punch
we're taking turns seeing
how much more the other can take
testing, trying, tricking, lying
we're ruining each other
ripping into the other's skin
pulling apart, shattering
scratching, scarring
destroying body and soul
so neither of us can ever be
whole again
k Dec 2012
Now its my turn
To **** up
The feelings I have for you.
Now its my turn
To pretend looking at you
Isn't nearly impossible.
Now its my turn
To tell you that
All I care about
Is you being happy.
Now its my turn to lie.
k Aug 2016
We got lost in conversation
about sports teams and politics,
the usual conversation,
lubricated by our spritzers and passing spliffs,
countless conversations
with your hand clasped on my thigh
and stolen smiles across the back porch

I sat back
laughing to myself about
the herb garden they've got growing
underneath those multicolored christmas lights,
tiny thyme leaves
I want to grind between my fingertips

And then we're leaving together
in your old Toyota that sometimes drives itself,
still caught up in our conversations
about politics and sports teams,
lubricated by those spritzers and passing spliffs,
that funny little herb garden,
those things who have given me
the most beautiful evening
of my life
k Oct 2014
i wish to forever be
running towards you

in love

or away from you
with screams rippled
with sweet giggles
k Dec 2012
And on 12/12/12
i wished
for you.
and every
11:11 since.
k Dec 2012
I remember the promises we made
On the cold streets of Chicago at 2 am.
I can still see your breath,
When "I'll love you forever"
Couldn't have felt any better.
I remember throwing around a football
Acting like every day was the fourth of July,
Feeling like we were already a family.
I remember hours spent in ecstasy,
Grasping your hand in pleasure.
I remember laughing like I would never get enough,
Happiness becoming second nature.
I remember each day of those three years with you.

But is it possible to fall out of a love
So deep and suffocating?
Because I've been breaking those Chicago promises,
And pretending that I miss you.
I've been losing my mind,
And crashing towards insanity,
Thinking of the things I've done
To **** our forever love.
k Sep 2013
i wish that i still loved you,
that i had made a mistake
and only just realized
that it made me jealous
to see those pictures of other girls
that your smile
made me want you again
made me remember
how perfect we were.
i want to be in love with you,
you're the only one
that knows about
how i like to be kissed on the shoulder
how i can't ever sleep till its morning
how i lose track of things.
you're the only one that knows
how the fall weather scares me
and its getting cold out again
and i really
really wish
that i still loved you.
k Jan 2013
your beauty
is strangled
by the destruction you create.
the elegance of your figure,
the grace of your words,
massacred
by the horrors you instill.
everything you are,
everything you will ever be
is reckless
wild
and deadly.
k Dec 2012
I swear the words took a million years to come out
And reach my ears,
And then a million more for my brain to unscramble them.

Years of
Utter emptiness
Searing pain
Agonizing heartbreak.

Years spent
Punching walls
Sobbing
Screaming.

Highs and lows trading places
Like they couldn't get enough of my
Self hatred
Self destruction
Self annihilation.

Years spent living on extremes,
Over confident, over achieving
Too tired, too alone
Unbelievably alive, unbelievably in love
So reckless, so dangerous.

All of it
Concluding
Culminating
Climaxing
In four words

"Manic.
Depressive.
Borderline.
Bipolar."
k Oct 2015
Being happy
brings unbearable sadness.
For it will never be with these people,
this person,
in this place, or with these things,
ever again.
They will all change,
and we will simply
cease to exist.
k Dec 2012
And I'll
fall
asleep tonight,
Scared
that i
might be
happy.
k Oct 2013
its 7 am and you're snoring,
the blinds rustling behind our heads
and the pillows fell off the sheet less bed
your arms encasing me effortlessly
dreaming about beautiful things I'm sure
last night forgotten for the moment,
you still like me while you're snoring
with arms around my stomach
you still think I'm what you want
k Jan 2014
you intoxicate my mind
making me wish i could remember
every painfully passionate word
k Dec 2014
everything about you,
everything about the world,
makes me sad
makes me hate it.
k Feb 2014
You give me looks like electricity
blistering through our veins,
biting your lip to bite away secret smiles,
fingers grazing like fire bursting on my skin
searing the edges of my sanity.

We are a mess together,
sharing a passion so perfectly poisonous
for each other, craving that
sickly sweet venom slipping from bitten lips
with bodies drenched in stinging jealousy,
we are, quite simply,
a mess.

Falling into something so
ruthlessly reckless and endlessly entwined in a fit of
passion and hunger so pure and astounding
it has never made sense,
so raw and real and tainted.

So in a few years I’ll meet you
in the cavernous pits of hell

and kiss you
while the scorching flames

tickle our toes.
k Nov 2014
i forgave you when you dipped me
on kitchen floors with bare feet and
a mixture of drugs
but im laying in my bed
and i cant feel those kitchen tiles
or hear jimi hendrix anymore and
youre not here
and maybe
i just dont want you to be
anymore
k Oct 2013
you told me I'm winning
but don't you see?
i don't wanna play a game,
i dont wanna win at anything,
i just *******
like you
you idiot
k Sep 2013
I've never been so out of my mind
craving, twisting, clawing my way up
it feels like theres no air left in my lungs
screaming for some oxygen
they're numbing slowly so painfully
searing the edges of my sanity
elevating and escalating endlessly through
the emptiness of us
k Feb 2013
we don't hug goodnight anymore
we don't talk about the real stuff anymore
we don't laugh as much anymore
we don't touch as much anymore
we don't look at each other anymore
we don't depend on each other anymore
we don't act the same anymore.

and thats okay,
but i miss it.
k Feb 2013
it just hurts too much to pretend
that i don't
and it hurts too much to pretend
that i do
but everything hurts too much
because no matter
what
ill never be enough
and its time to admit
that your too good
for me
and your too perfect
for me
and you're too in love with
someone else
for me.
because you won't answer
when i say i need you
even when
my life depends on it
k Aug 2014
I may never
come
back
.
k Jun 2014
developed a little
bad habit per say
started smoking
cigarrettes on
summer nights
each one filling
my lungs with
thick smoke leaving
tastes of you lingering
on my lips
k Jul 2013
when she was born
they all brought her presents.
addiction and anxiety
with a bow on top,
and wrapped in pretty paper
double doses
of depression mixed
with moments of mania
so she would forever be
split in
two.
she lived her life
spiraling in ugly hate,
always wondering why
until she was 19 and remembered her first day
and how they had all
brought her those presents.

so when she slit her wrists
she carved the words
thank you
and the only note she left was
goodbye.
k Sep 2013
it feels weird
to sing and dance
in my shower...

am i smiling?
wow
k Oct 2013
i want something you don't
but i'll never admit it
and you'll never see how much
it hurts to pretend that i don't care
because to me you're
more than just the boy i take home,
you're the boy i want to wake up to
and laugh with and make fun of
and do all kinds of stupid things with
like brush our teeth and play taboo
go shot for shot with ****** ***
at 3 in the morning telling secrets
about things I've never said before.
k Jul 2014
I am in love with you in the way that
you are my insomnia at 4 in the morning,
the one keeping me awake because my
body doesn't remember how to fall asleep without
yours quietly curled around it,
and my brain doesn't understand
why I irrevocably hate you,
or how I can hate and love one person
so much it makes my stomach hurt,
every moment I'm not with you I think
that the distance might **** me
because the sleepless nights and empty beds
breeding incomprehensible hatred
are just because I am
so
*******
in love with you.
k Oct 2013
bit it face first onto the asphalt
scraped hands knees bleeding
i couldn't handle my life
tears pouring out fed up with those
******* stairs that twisted my ankle
cheeks red hot
done with being the dumb *****
who falls face first to the asphalt
who can't handle her life
who messed up with you
again.
k Dec 2012
you have
      lips that lie
              but
                   eyes that won't.
k Dec 2012
Am i allowed to be
out of my mind
with sadness,
if  I'm the one
that did the leaving?
because i see you
in every piece of me.
permeating my words,
my thoughts,
my soul.
and i miss you
with every bit
of who i am.
but i can't go back to
sleepless nights,
loneliness,
confusion.
i can't.
k Mar 2014
its just that
sometimes i get scared
that I'm just floating around with no
significance at all
k Jan 2013
don't think

don't feel

don't stop.

living on the edges
of glorious destruction
and violent beauty
until it
all
falls
apart.


I've spent my whole life breaking things

but most of all myself.
k Jun 2014
im not crazy,

i promise.

its just that
you wake
to my sleeping
and i wake
to your evening
and it simply
is not enough
to satisfy my
crazed cravings for
every bit of
you.
k Feb 2014
and
sometimes people
just need to use you,
and you let them
because you
hope they'd let you
do the same.

i just really hope
that you're worth
being used.
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