you used to be inspirational,
sensationally inspirational
in fact quite incredibly
the perfect source of
my originality
my imagination
you made words spew out
and run wild across
page after page of
passion
agression
angst
and intensity
mixed beautifully
in our perpetually
corrupted perfection.
but you've lost
your magic
your ability to make my
fingers scatter across
page after page
you've begun to
stifle and
suffocate
simply ******* the life
out of my
passion
agression
angst
and intensity
destroyed and crumbling
into bland pieces
of unoriginally
insignificant
nothingness.

words can't show
the scars i have
for hating what I've done to you.
words can't show the
smile lines that you helped me
laugh into existence.
words can't show
the way i uncontrollably crave to
hold your hand
and feel your touch every moment.
words can't show
the times our pinkies have promised
forever.
words can't show
the infinite number of reasons
that i am irreversibly in
love with you.

but ill write you a love letter
everyday
for the rest of my life
if you would believe me
when i say

i love you.

you tell me you'll miss me
but i know you'll just be craving
whats between my legs,
you call me your girl
but i know i can only be yours
after everyone is already asleep,
and you hold my face as if
captivated by my eyes
but you're far better at
holding your tongue
because you know you will never
have truths that i want to hear.

you were all laughing
but i was screaming
and screaming
SCREAMING
for you to slow down
stop, please just
stop

the world isn't meant
to be sideways
blowing past in blurs
and chunks
of nothingness

but you won't listen
and I'm flying now
skidding
into that
nothingness

my skins gone
and this asphalt's
turned red
thick with my blood
and i swear
now I'm

dead.

Maybe I'll eat a sandwich
even after I know you've gone to sleep,
and maybe I'll keep buying you presents
everywhere that I ever visit,
maybe I'll pretend you keep giving me shot glasses
from each place that i know you've been,
maybe I'll think of you
each night before I can fall asleep
and maybe even then I'll see you in my dreams.
maybe I'll write stories of you
what we've done and what we could've done,
and maybe I'll write you letters
like I always have but never showed you,
maybe I'll smell you and hear you and taste you
in everything that I do.
maybe I'll find your old grey sweater
and smile at the things you always left behind,
maybe I'll fall asleep with my hand clasped in its other
since yours isn't here anymore,
maybe I'll hear the songs we loved to sing
even if I can't really hear them without you listening too.
maybe I'll taste that *** you always drank,
puckering perfect lips because it tastes
like ***** and good memories,
maybe I'll see 'your city' again
remembering what my first lobster tasted like,
and maybe I'll get a bruise and it will remind me
of how much messy fun I always had being around you.
maybe I'll fall in love again.
and maybe so will you.
maybe I'll be happy again.
and maybe so will you.

i don't hold hands.
there's been too many
before you who have
let mine go to
dangle empty,
alone

but last night
you grabbed my hand
and wouldn't let go
and i didn't stop you,
just bit my lip
to stifle a
smile.

i will never care what we are
i need no names, no reassurances.
i will never ask what this is
i need no decisions, no ultimatums.
i will never wonder what we could be
i need no possession, no claim.
for the scratches on your back,
the kisses on my neck,
the curves of your body
fitting effortlessly
into the curves of my body,
will always be enough.

It was never butterflies with you,
something so delicate and fragile
could never have survived the
blistering existence of us.

And it was never conversations
filled with sweet tender utterances,
but words of fierce jealousy
that simultaneously sliced us apart
and flung us together.

It was never quiet walks with you
while our fingers intertwined,
for those stinging red scratches and
moments of ravaging pleasure
were always much preferred.

And it was never love with you,
neither of us would ever allow
something so innocent and pure
to creep its way into our mess.

but now I'm afraid i must admit,
i love every inch of our
blistering, jealous, ravaging
mess.

i will ruin
you all.
especially if i
love you.

i like you
because
you let me
not be in love
with you

when I'm lonely
you make me not
lonely anymore,
but its funny you see,
I've begun to realize
i can make myself
not lonely anymore,
and I'm starting to wonder
if I've just loved you
under false pretenses

in my drunken
morning state
of mind i
silently, secretly
promised to
never forget
how you
kissed my
forehead
nose
cheek
and ended with
the very sweetest
kiss
on my

lips.

you'll be drinking champagne in paris
and ill be picking flowers from neighbors gardens
and we probably won't speak for a while,
your gray sweater i have will stop smelling of you
because i might forget about it in my closet
and you might like the french girl with her hairy legs,
we will both forget what waking up together feels like
and i'll eventually forget to miss your huge dimples
and you'll forget my vicious sarcasm
or the way you make me giggle
and we'll sort of fade into nothing and
i'll forget i love you
and you'll forget you love me
and we'll become strangers
once again.

I miss sunday nights in my bed
laying there so angry with me
so unwilling to explain your jealousy
because you're so unwilling to admit
everything i can hear on the edge of your tongue
and see in the bitings of your lips.

so ******* unwilling to admit
that i make you laugh
like you never thought i would
think about things
that you never have before
talk about life like
its something so new and incredible.

i miss the things we've never done before
with an aching in me that i'll never tell
because i'll pretend to be heartless until
you can finally admit that
you miss those sunday nights in my bed
just like i do.

i hate you
because
i like you
too ******* much.
and i hate you
because you
left your smell
all over my
body, my skin.
and i hate you
for making me
so happy but
making sure that
i know it will
never last.
i hate you for
pulling me in
over and over,
for bullshitting
me every time.
and i hate you
for believing me
when i say its
all ok because
its not and it
never will be
because i really
will never admit
how much i
******* like you.

i am here.
i am alive.
and it
feels
*good

adrenaline running
mad through my veins
makes me wish
i could run for years
and slice my skin open
and ******* crazy

but I'm too tired now
so i'll nap for a month,
or maybe three,

and see you when
my blood is boiling again
craving ***** sweet
like lemonade
blood so pretty like
strawberry juice
drugs like
i look happy again.

I'm sorry
that the way you looked at me
made me like you
from the very beginning.
I'm sorry that he was in the back
of my mind when you touched
my back so softly.
I'm sorry that i was too stubborn
too afraid
too stupid
to see everything you were,
everything you could be.
I'm sorry for that night that i can't take back,
the 15 minutes in the bathroom
that i wish i could erase.
I'm sorry for being the kind
of person who could just
fall out of
love
and then fall into a new love
with you.
I'm sorry that i couldn't
admit that  
i love you
until it was too late.
and I'm sorry that i still haven't stopped
trying to win you back
and keep causing you
so much
pain.

But most of all
I'm sorry
for thinking of new things
to be sorry for

every single day.

I am so simultaneously
unbelievably content
in a beautiful world
and so indescribably
heartbroken
at the ugliness in
everything

I'm sorry i started crying.
i swear it was the alcohol
poisoning my words
and twisting my emotions.
and the tears were supposed to
tell you i love you
not make you afraid
for the future.
i meant to say i miss you
not that i hate you
but i think the words
just got confused in my mind.
I'm sorry for the mix up
its just that love
and hate seem to really
correlate in my drunken state
of reality.
lets pretend everything i
said was the perfect cocktail
of lovely seduction
convincing you, coaxing you
to reconsider my disastrous being,
take me back tonight
won't you please?
I've waited
and waited
years it seems for this
moment to come and make me
happy, alive, perfect.
you and me.
together.
love or hate
i don't know
or care
all that matters
is that its you
and me
again.

together.

in my dreams
i kiss you so hard
i wake up
breathless

it seems
i've always loved
tragic things
and hated
happy endings

why am i
so
ungodly
awkward

she's got
no emotion
but there's so
much
pain

i want you like tequila
salty
bitter
deliciously
dangerous

lets ease our loneliness together
tangle our sadness together
and
bind our unbounded madness
to each other

this is only temporary

insanity