You are **** hits
that leave me breathless
spinning in colors
while we lay in your bed,
you are a slap to my face
with stinging red remnants
flashing across my cheek,
you are a borrowed 
orange
toothbrush leaving
 icy breath
on my tongue,
you are walks around
 this
****** neighborhood pointing
 out
the secret beauty in me.
you are hips wiggling
to blasting music
on early mornings,
and kisses
giggling across my
cheeks, nose, lips.

You are the library
with your thin rimmed glasses
and stupid latin flashcards,
you are scraped knees
and fresh tears because
you would never help me
walk down the stairs,
you are ****** ***
drunkenly challenging me
to go shot for shot
at 3 in the morning.
you are shaking fingers

angry, jealous, afraid.

You are soft snores and

bitten lips, thrown phones
and ugly screamed names.
a shattered window, an unopened
jar of peanut butter.
you are brand new
gray sheets, bodies drenched
in laughter and sweat,
an old flannel shirt,
a broken chair.
you are the things you're
afraid to tell me, the things
I see in your eyes.
you are honest in
the lies that you tell me and sweet
with your terribly harsh words.
you are a mess, a
completely 
confusing, competitive
game.



And oh,
how I love
to
play.

i don't hold hands.
there's been too many
before you who have
let mine go to
dangle empty,
alone

but last night
you grabbed my hand
and wouldn't let go
and i didn't stop you,
just bit my lip
to stifle a
smile.

why am i
so
ungodly
awkward

i love playing games,
****** up games
of jealously and
flirtations gone awry
messing with your
mind and mine too
confused i can't understand
why i can't give up
these ******* games
i love destruction
too much to stop
before i ruin you and
me and
us.

bit it face first onto the asphalt
scraped hands knees bleeding
i couldn't handle my life
tears pouring out fed up with those
******* stairs that twisted my ankle
cheeks red hot
done with being the dumb *****
who falls face first to the asphalt
who can't handle her life
who messed up with you
again.

you used to be inspirational,
sensationally inspirational
in fact quite incredibly
the perfect source of
my originality
my imagination
you made words spew out
and run wild across
page after page of
passion
agression
angst
and intensity
mixed beautifully
in our perpetually
corrupted perfection.
but you've lost
your magic
your ability to make my
fingers scatter across
page after page
you've begun to
stifle and
suffocate
simply ******* the life
out of my
passion
agression
angst
and intensity
destroyed and crumbling
into bland pieces
of unoriginally
insignificant
nothingness.

she wishes she had blue eyes
but I've never seen so much
fiercety and softness coexist
in one beautiful shade of brown.
to some she seems quiet and sweet
but I've never heard a quiet girl
yell or laugh or burp like she can
with such effortless sense of
not giving a ****.
she looks at me with those
knowing brown eyes
and can just tell
what I'm saying
what I'm thinking
what I'm hoping.
she knows when I'm sorry
and forgives me even when
i dont deserve to be forgiven.
and i love her as if she's been
missing from me my whole life
with her strength and love and
complete understanding of
everything that i am.
she's my best friend
and her name is
Madeleyn.

in my drunken
morning state
of mind i
silently, secretly
promised to
never forget
how you
kissed my
forehead
nose
cheek
and ended with
the very sweetest
kiss
on my

lips.

i am here.
i am alive.
and it
feels
*good

"I like you
as more
than just
the girl
I take
home"

5 am words
sweet like
blackberry
kisses

now
i know
i have
no emotion
im tangled,
its twisted,
just ****** my
best friend
like it was
nothing
like theres
nothing in
my head
or heart
like
nobody
matters
for
****
and
i dont
give a
****

it feels weird
to sing and dance
in my shower...

am i smiling?
wow

i will ruin
you all.
especially if i
love you.

she's got
no emotion
but there's so
much
pain

you were all laughing
but i was screaming
and screaming
SCREAMING
for you to slow down
stop, please just
stop

the world isn't meant
to be sideways
blowing past in blurs
and chunks
of nothingness

but you won't listen
and I'm flying now
skidding
into that
nothingness

my skins gone
and this asphalt's
turned red
thick with my blood
and i swear
now I'm

dead.

adrenaline running
mad through my veins
makes me wish
i could run for years
and slice my skin open
and ******* crazy

but I'm too tired now
so i'll nap for a month,
or maybe three,

and see you when
my blood is boiling again
craving ***** sweet
like lemonade
blood so pretty like
strawberry juice
drugs like
i look happy again.

when she was born
they all brought her presents.
addiction and anxiety
with a bow on top,
and wrapped in pretty paper
double doses
of depression mixed
with moments of mania
so she would forever be
split in
two.
she lived her life
spiraling in ugly hate,
always wondering why
until she was 19 and remembered her first day
and how they had all
brought her those presents.

so when she slit her wrists
she carved the words
thank you
and the only note she left was
goodbye.

the first time
you came over
changed right in front of you
told you not to peek,
but my mischievous soul
didn't cared when you did.
the first time you came over
laid in the attic bed,
you held your ear to my chest
as you listened
to my heart fluttering for you.
the first time you came over
whispered for you to kiss me,
you were too innocent
and scared to taste
lips sweet like blackberries.
the first time you came over
we were fifteen
and my darling,
i loved you so long before

that first time
you came over.

'you have monkey toes'
she always giggled
when we played foot wars
on that smelly old couch.
the couch that we
cuddled on for hours
while she braided my hair
and told me fairytales.
she's the one who made
me believe in all that,
the magic in the world
the fairies and the monsters,
the angels and the saviors.
and she was the one
that always saved me.
but now she's 950 miles
and 16 hours away.

it seems
i've always loved
tragic things
and hated
happy endings

I'm sorry i started crying.
i swear it was the alcohol
poisoning my words
and twisting my emotions.
and the tears were supposed to
tell you i love you
not make you afraid
for the future.
i meant to say i miss you
not that i hate you
but i think the words
just got confused in my mind.
I'm sorry for the mix up
its just that love
and hate seem to really
correlate in my drunken state
of reality.
lets pretend everything i
said was the perfect cocktail
of lovely seduction
convincing you, coaxing you
to reconsider my disastrous being,
take me back tonight
won't you please?
I've waited
and waited
years it seems for this
moment to come and make me
happy, alive, perfect.
you and me.
together.
love or hate
i don't know
or care
all that matters
is that its you
and me
again.

together.

words can't show
the scars i have
for hating what I've done to you.
words can't show the
smile lines that you helped me
laugh into existence.
words can't show
the way i uncontrollably crave to
hold your hand
and feel your touch every moment.
words can't show
the times our pinkies have promised
forever.
words can't show
the infinite number of reasons
that i am irreversibly in
love with you.

but ill write you a love letter
everyday
for the rest of my life
if you would believe me
when i say

i love you.

i love your good mornings
the first thing when i wake up,
i love the way you tell me your frustrations
and listen when i whine for hours,
i love the way you disapprove
of my irresponsibility
and the way you care too much,
i love the promises you've made
and the promises that we'll make together someday,
i love the assurance and the safety
that you bring me,
i love the steaming jealousy i feel
every time your gone,
i love the yelling and
the smiles and
the laughter and
the pain.
i love you when we're happy
but i love you when we're not,
because i love
every inch of
who
we
are.
and i love that every day
you make me see
that everything about us
is worth
loving

forever.

i just don't wanna
be the one
that falls in love,
but can't be
loved back
because I'm drunk in love
and I'm sober in love
and I'm always in love.
believe me or don't
but I'm here
for forever.

tickling
tingling
glowing
growing
bursting
burning,

everything is on fire
and the flames
feel
oh
so
good.

i'll love you like
its the first time I'm tasting chocolate.
like I've never felt something so sweet
and perfect on my tongue.

i'll love you like
its the last day of school
like we're finally free
laughing and yelling and wild.

i'll love you like
the feeling at the end of the night
like ill never be so alive
or full of passion.

i'll love you like
its the first snowfall of winter
like the flakes that are so unique,
each one so special.

i'll love you like
its the fourth of july
like my favorite holiday is never gonna end
and your lips feel like fireworks.

and i'll love you like
theres nothing else,
no one else
now
or
ever.

if only you would just
let me.

I'm sorry
that the way you looked at me
made me like you
from the very beginning.
I'm sorry that he was in the back
of my mind when you touched
my back so softly.
I'm sorry that i was too stubborn
too afraid
too stupid
to see everything you were,
everything you could be.
I'm sorry for that night that i can't take back,
the 15 minutes in the bathroom
that i wish i could erase.
I'm sorry for being the kind
of person who could just
fall out of
love
and then fall into a new love
with you.
I'm sorry that i couldn't
admit that  
i love you
until it was too late.
and I'm sorry that i still haven't stopped
trying to win you back
and keep causing you
so much
pain.

But most of all
I'm sorry
for thinking of new things
to be sorry for

every single day.

don't think

don't feel

don't stop.

living on the edges
of glorious destruction
and violent beauty
until it
all
falls
apart.


I've spent my whole life breaking things

but most of all myself.

And on 12/12/12
i wished
for you.
and every
11:11 since.