this is what a heart attack must feel like.
i can't breathe
I CANT BREATHE
sobs echoing in my ears
im screaming
and theres nothing coming out nothing making a sound nothing
at all.
my heart is going to pop out of my chest
it will
it
will.
it feels like I'm going to die
thats all i want.
to die.
because i can't breathe
anymore.

you have
      lips that lie
              but
                   eyes that won't.

Am i allowed to be
out of my mind
with sadness,
if  I'm the one
that did the leaving?
because i see you
in every piece of me.
permeating my words,
my thoughts,
my soul.
and i miss you
with every bit
of who i am.
but i can't go back to
sleepless nights,
loneliness,
confusion.
i can't.

And I'll
fall
asleep tonight,
Scared
that i
might be
happy.

Let me
Take back
Every word
Every touch
Every look
Since I've
Known you
So I can
Just pretend
We never
Met and
Never fell
In love
So I can
Forget
What losing
You
Feels like.

Now its my turn
To **** up
The feelings I have for you.
Now its my turn
To pretend looking at you
Isn't nearly impossible.
Now its my turn
To tell you that
All I care about
Is you being happy.
Now its my turn to lie.

I swear the words took a million years to come out
And reach my ears,
And then a million more for my brain to unscramble them.

Years of
Utter emptiness
Searing pain
Agonizing heartbreak.

Years spent
Punching walls
Sobbing
Screaming.

Highs and lows trading places
Like they couldn't get enough of my
Self hatred
Self destruction
Self annihilation.

Years spent living on extremes,
Over confident, over achieving
Too tired, too alone
Unbelievably alive, unbelievably in love
So reckless, so dangerous.

All of it
Concluding
Culminating
Climaxing
In four words

"Manic.
Depressive.
Borderline.
Bipolar."

I remember the promises we made
On the cold streets of Chicago at 2 am.
I can still see your breath,
When "I'll love you forever"
Couldn't have felt any better.
I remember throwing around a football
Acting like every day was the fourth of July,
Feeling like we were already a family.
I remember hours spent in ecstasy,
Grasping your hand in pleasure.
I remember laughing like I would never get enough,
Happiness becoming second nature.
I remember each day of those three years with you.

But is it possible to fall out of a love
So deep and suffocating?
Because I've been breaking those Chicago promises,
And pretending that I miss you.
I've been losing my mind,
And crashing towards insanity,
Thinking of the things I've done
To **** our forever love.

I feel it seeping from my pores
Scattering through my dreams
Slipping into my sentences
and skittering across every page I write.
Demanding,
Devouring,
Destroying,
My grip on reality.