Golden pulse grew on the shore,
Ferns along the hill,
And the red cliff roses bore
Bees to drink their fill;

Bees that from the meadows bring
Wine of melilot,
Honey-sups on golden wing
To the garden grot.

But to me, neglected flower,
Phaon will not see,
Passion brings no crowning hour,
Honey nor the bee.

Tonight I will not hold tight to a boy
When the big silver ball drops.

Tonight I will not weep for all the
Swell times I had over the last 365 days.

Tonight I will not toast to new adventures
With the sticky, bubbly drink, in the city that never sleeps.

Tonight I will look into the eyes of my friends and my brother
And we will shout "5-4-3-2-1 HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

Tonight I will kiss the tragedies of 2012
Goodbye, in hopes of not losing more dear friends far too early.

Tonight I will fill up a large beer glass with whatever
Is in the keg, in my friends garage, in my hometown and,
I will make a wish for good health, and love, and of course, new beginnings.

This year, it came
With warning
And with promise of new beginnings.

I thought I would kiss your lips
When the clock struck
Midnight.

I thought I would know what to expect
When your lips touched
Mine.

I thought I would feel good and wanted
When your arms were the first to embrace
Me.

I thought I would
Kiss you,
Touch you,
Fall asleep,
With you.

But you didn't even call me
back.

And now,
One hour and fourty four minutes later,
I am hung up on
Last year .

I am hung up
on you.

The day is coming.
It will be here before I know it.
It will be a Sunday morning.
I will curl my hair pretty and gloss my lips an innocent shade of pink.
I will put on a nice dress, nice shoes, and a nice necklace.
I will look so nice.
Much nicer than I usually look Sunday mornings.
I will disguise my hangover with the sent of lavender oil,
and the blackest coffee known to man.
I will take a look at myself in my bathroom mirror, I mean really
Take a look at myself,
At what the past four years have meant to me, and to my family.
Then I will put on the cap, and frown because no one ever looks pretty in those **** things.
Then I will put on the gown, and feel nervous, excited, ready.
My mom, my dad, my brother,
They will all be there, also looking nice.
And I will go to the stadium, sit in my seat between two strangers who's names also begin with "Kh."
And my heart will pound,
and my palms will sweat,
and my mouth will dry,
and then they will call my name,
and I will stand up and smile, proudly.
And I will be a college graduate,
One of the first in my family.

This silence is too loud to bear.
As the internal screams pierce the stale air.
My feet feel nailed to the ground;
although I'd like to run away
I'm trapped by all that's around.
My prayers to God are shouted at the top of my lungs - in my private room.
still it seems only a whisper he cannot discern - when done praying the problems resume.
Though I'm surrounded by friends, family & those I love so dearly,
I feel so alone, secluded & lost as I can never express myself clearly.
They shower me with praise, or appreciation or reassurance
My auto-reply is "Thank you" while inside I'm losing endurance.
They say "you're so strong. Keep up the good deeds"
Yet no one asks me if I'm fulfilling all my needs.
Financially secure, well-fed & comfortable home.
In a job that I despise, eating unbalance unhealthy meals, and feeling so alone.
The internal screams get louder with each passing day
As I wonder when they will become so loud that God finally finds me a way
To find peace
Silent the screams
The internal torment
Deliver me from these demons
That haunt me & taunt me
And seek to devour me
So that I can hear The sweet sounds of silence again.

I didn't say I was unhappy by myself
I never said I would be complete if I shared my love with someone else.
I didn't say you give me chills and warm my heart when you stand so near.
When I whispered to myself that you are wonderful I made sure you didn't hear.

You probably don't even wonder what I say about you to others.
You don't know that I have conversations about if I'm a capable wife, with my mother.
You're not interested in hearing that I look up recipes that you might enjoy.
Or that I wish I could tell you about my skills in sewing, cleaning or other talents I employ.

When you asked me if I was interested in you, I assumed you probably knew
So I said sure I like your friendship and qualities and admire the goals that you pursue.
When you told me that you liked me as a good friend
I didn't protest or confess that I was willing to wait til your interest in me ascends.