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Kayleigh Rose Nov 2012
And it's nights like tonight
while i sit in the dark
alone at last
and the weight of life
of sin
and death
and pain
of losing one's mind
all press down upon
my shoulders
at once.
And there the vultures
wait for me to bleed.
Kayleigh Rose Aug 2012
Sometimes the only way I can
breathe is to remind myself that
you aren’t you.
Not anymore.
Amber eyes don't shine for me.
The moon comes and goes,
but I’d never admit
that I notice.
The memories linger,
like me at the window
as you walked away,
forever reminding my heart
of what it already knows.
And voices
still ****** my heart with words
that drive me insane.
You and tequila.
Kayleigh Rose Aug 2012
What a waste.
So many words softly whispered
     under the warmth of
     a summer night.
Giggling, and staring, and sweet kisses.
Promises you never meant to keep.
Some I never thought I'd make.
I would have given you my
life.  More than my life.  My soul.
In hindsight, maybe I
already did.
And now, my worst fears are to be faced.
Alone.  Like in a coffin, but worse.
(you know how claustrophobic I am.)
I wish I could make you
understand what you've done to me.
The monster I've become.
I know you're happy now, with her.
And that's all very well.
I don't even hold it against
you that you hate me.
That I embarrass you.
           annoy you.
Regardless of whose fault it is.
You never loved me,
     therefore you can't be held
     accountable.
I am not your responsibility,
     remember?
But do you also remember the
     times you said you'd never
     leave? You'd never love another?
I do.
I don't even get angry anymore.
Bitterness is all I can offer you.
So you were wrong about me after all.
But when I die,
     will you feel it in your bones?
Kayleigh Rose Sep 2012
I remember how you looked that night.
We ate McDonalds,
you hate McDonalds.
And you played in the play place with me.
We laid in the tube,
just staring.
Wanting.
And I ached to close the distance between
Our bodies and stay that way forever.
Then we decided it smelled like ****,
so maybe we should go.
I drove us to the parking lot
where we spent so much time
*******, holding, sweating, laughing,
listening to Jack Johnson.
On the look out for cops.
Just two kids trying to love
without consequence.  
I should have known then.
And I decided at that moment,
that I loved you still.
Despite everything.
Your drunken stupidity
your ******* *****
     You stole for her.
And I took you to her house
     where you would
     have *** with her
     and I would drive
     away crying.
I loved you still.
In that eternal moment, I knew
I would always forgive you.
The kiss that led to disaster.
A plane crash in the making.
But at least it was beautiful at the time.
Time waited for us, only that once.
We got out of the car and you told me
to meet you in the middle of the pond.
It’s frozen.
No no, I protested.
It’s dangerous,
It’s dangerous.
And I was right.
Out you slid
Large gashes in the snow covered ice
as you slid gracefully.
Or maybe it wasn’t so graceful after all,
But that’s what I liked about you.
I followed you to the center
you held my hand
and we skated for hours.
I never let go—
     If I was going down,
     I was taking you with me.
You were the only one who could
     ever save me anyway.
Then we walked down the path,
towards the place where it all began.
That place still creates an emptiness
in me every time I pass
without you.
Still hand in hand,
we danced under the
biggest snowflakes I have ever seen.
The heavens were falling down around us it seemed,
or perhaps we were finally leaving that
hell hole of a town.
Finally going somewhere where
we could just be alone.
Alone at last.
Laughing as we caught
them on our tongues.
I told you I would love you forever
and I wish it was lie.
Maybe you even said the same to me.
Your words fade as the
time passes,
the bitterness grows.
My mind can never agree
with my heart
on the subject of you.
But back to the story—
It felt
felt very real
at the time.
And if I could stay in that moment,
I probably would.
For in that moment,
it was us at our best.
You. With me.
But all things must come to an end.
And though the image of
you spinning
me laughing
at you trying to
eat snowflakes,
will be mine forever.
I felt it at that moment.
Maybe that was a sign that I knew
you would be mine to miss
one day.
Alas, we decided it was getting late,
we had only told your mother
we were getting McDonalds.
But I’m pretty sure we ****** again.
Adding to our pile of condoms
littering the school grounds.
It was a point of pride.
Still don’t know how we
never got caught.
We returned to your house
to watch animal planet.
And for that night,
all was right in my universe.
And now,
as the years go by,
you slowly fade.
Your voice
Your laugh
Your love
Your smile
Your face
Who you were.
Alien.
Something cold and unfamiliar.
Uncomfortable. Awkward.
Rude. Judgmental.
I hold on to those moments
of the real you.
The you that was mine for a short while.
As I try to let the stranger
you have become
slip away,
those moments remind me
of what it is to be alone.
Perhaps not all is lost,
because they give me
that overwhelming
out of control feeling
of finally knowing everything.
That everything is ******,
but it’s ok.
As long as we kept spinning
in the snow.
Kayleigh Rose Aug 2012
Oh, what I would give…
To call you right now
And rest assured that you would answer.
No—more than that
That you would talk to me
For hours and hours
The way we used to
And just laugh with me
For a while


But I know better

…maybe I’ll call anyway.
I always do.
Kayleigh Rose Aug 2012
You're all so wrong, so wrong about me.
It's failure time and time again;
     failure to grasp at anything
     at all.
Time's got us hanging by our
  throats the whole while.
  There's nothing more
      important than
these endless days of repetition.
Time and time again, yeah,
there's nothing more important.
So afraid of letting go
to fall
  and fall
     and fall
and die.
We race around to places
we don't want to be to get
with people we don't want to meet.
At the end of the day
we all just sigh and wait
for sleep to drag us to
vast spaces of nothing
and everything.
Writing suicide notes to
wake up to,
we need no better excuse
than boredom.
Kayleigh Rose Oct 2012
sometimes
if i close my eyes
and try real hard
i can still feel
your warmth
on my lips
and smell the
sweetness
of your breath.
it creeps like poison
down my throat
until my heart
beats no more.
i know that
never again
will i kiss you
goodbye
my love.
Kayleigh Rose Aug 2012
I remember how shy I felt
when I admitted one day that if I was about to die--
let’s say in a plane crash, that’s how it always plays out in my head--
And I could call one person, only one, it would be you.
Because it is to you that I owed my last words.
A lifetime of memories to recall,
but nothing mattered until you.
So who else was there?
I remember saying that in all honesty,
I didn’t think I could depend on anyone else to answer the phone.
Too busy.  Work sleep kids errands.  
Not my blood, not my friends.  You.
And as the wind blows, people scream, seat shakes
I would only say, “I love you.”

It was the meaning of my life
through brand new eyes.

…It remained so for a very long time.
Long after you were gone.
Then one day I cried
I realized I had no one to call.
Ring ring.  Voicemail again.
Kayleigh Rose Aug 2012
On occasion I remember that
I am nothing.
My life is nothing.
My thoughts are nothing.
The young are not invincible, we are
decaying from the inside out.
Out to where others can see--
see and dread the thought
of their own unavoidable fate.

I lay in the grass and smile.
Breathe as hard as I can,
     push it out     push it out.
It always remains.
I've grown accustomed.
Kayleigh Rose Sep 2012
Sometimes I wake up
in the middle of the night
surrounded by monsters.
Naked and twisted
like a dancer;
they are coming for me.
Lurking in the corners
creeping up the bed
clawing at the sheets.
They want to consume
my soul.
But I laugh,
a crazed choke of a sound.
The joke’s on them,
they don’t know
that it was stolen
long ago.
Foolish monsters,
I am one of you.
Kayleigh Rose Aug 2012
I watched you lying there
blinking and moving slowly—
like someone only just stirring from a pleasant dream
you looked at me, peaceful as always
I asked
                (who? I do not know; but I asked,)
“She’s really dead, isn’t she?”
the devastation ringing clearly in my words,
yet there was a calmness surrounding it all
perhaps disconnected, but at least my voice stayed steady.
I walked to you
and embraced you.
you squeezed me back
your arms were cold
a natural cold, not the cold I felt on that day.
we just sat there.  still hugging.
stretching the moment as long as the universe would allow us
as I squeezed you closer, you let out a small burp
it was so you, I couldn’t help but smile
the small sound left an aching that echoed
through my entire being
I held you close and spoke softly, but with an unfamiliar intensity
into your ear,
“I love you
                                so
                                                much,
                                                                Allie.”
and with that I released you
I felt you fade away
slipping out of my grasp
and at that moment,
I awoke with tears quietly streaming down my face
at the realization that I will never again
be able to touch you,
or see your smiling face
without the help of my weak, imperfect memory
because you are gone from me,
gone from everything.
Kayleigh Rose Aug 2012
Dearest moon, must you leave so soon?
to duck beneath the ground
and reappear in a distant land.
my mind is bound
as I discover I'm in so much deeper than I planned.
Another restless day leads to another sleepless night.
Let's go stare off into space
and lose our sense of time.
Never felt so out of place
than when I claimed the baggage that was mine.
It burns so bad, but baby I've never felt better
Trying to teach you what I've learned
that nothing we know is real.
Played with matches and ended up getting burned
but it just showed me how much I can't feel.
Casting shadows that haunt me at night,
you allow me to exaggerate,
let me mask the indecent.
Tell my mind to contemplate,
as I hide my true content.
**I am calm and waiting for the sun's approach.
Kayleigh Rose Sep 2012
You were
once nothing
and nowhere
to me.
Eventually
life will
make it that
way again.
It can
never last,
because if it did,
what would
I write about?
Nobody wants
to read
about how
in love you are.
They want you
on your knees.
They want
you begging
for mercy.

******* vampires.
Kayleigh Rose Aug 2012
I don't think I can love you, but I
could never let you go.
Tonight I shook at the thought.
The thought of you being gone--out of
my life once again.
I swear my body rejected the very idea.
But why?  Is it love?  I know better.
It's a need.  
I need you to be stuck here with me,
I need that rush you give me each time.

So no, I don't think I could love you
anymore than I love myself.
And I don't think I've changed one bit.
And I will do it all again.
But most importantly,
I can not leave you alone.
Kayleigh Rose Sep 2012
"**** dresses,
I'm a tomboy!"
as she rubs blush
on her cheek bones.
Covering up the
insecurities
from the boy
last week.
Kayleigh Rose Aug 2012
I would lose myself if I could.
Drink after drink after drink.
Until my head spins and my
heart flutters.

If it would change anything,
If it would bring me closer
to you...
...maybe I would.
Kayleigh Rose Oct 2012
It’s hard to admit that
sometimes it doesn’t mean anything
that everyone you care about is selfish
and you don’t really know them at all.
It’s hard to admit that
time passes and you can’t feel
to know that life is slipping away
and you couldn’t care less.
It’s hard to admit that
it was all for nothing
the heartbreak and tears
they’ll just **** someone else.
It’s hard to admit that
you have no control
and that death waits for no one
not even the ones you like.
It’s hard to admit that
for some people
there is no happy ending.
And there’s nothing to be done
but hope the next beer
will put you out of your misery
for tonight.
Kayleigh Rose Nov 2012
They only want
Me to entertain
Them.
Like the tiger prowling
In the zoo
That makes you
Feel a little guilty
For smiling at his
Misery.
And the cameras
Flash away
And the kids scream
And cry.
I am the the tiger
Complete with
Broken spirit
And hollow eyes.
But the crowds
Will always come…
And someone must
Entertain them.
It is the way of the world.
Kayleigh Rose Nov 2012
than the one you loved.
than the liar
than the fool
than the unfaithful
than the bored
than the lonely
than the desperate
than the selfish
than the leech
than the cowardly
than the lifeless
than the confused
than all of them.

"you deserve so much better"
isn't that what you said?

funny how it feels as though
maybe I've heard that somewhere before...

— The End —