I'm drained in every way possible
I can't turn to the pen
     Can't turn to the bottle
            Can't turn to my friends

Who will listen
When I have nothing
                                      To say?

There is the same constant
T o r n a d o
Swirling in my mind
R i p p i n g  
Raging chaos
B r e a k i n g  
It's way through what
L i t t l e
Sanity is left

My eyes are   burned
Bright red   blisters
Squeezing   shut
Tired of life, tired of   blinking
Tired of seeing the  world

I'm exhausted
Every cell          aches
Every breath              crumples
Every word                                 snaps

I'm not making sense
Anymore
Not that I ever did,
But still
Things are different
Lately

Every since I babysat that
Little girl
Who   held   my   hand
At her bedside
As I made up a story
About the princess
Who waited
            And waited
                    And waited
To be   s a v e d

And it wrecked me
When she asked me to
Stay with her
Because she was
                                          Afraid
Of the dark and
                                          Afraid
Of sleeping alone and
                                          Afraid
Of the monsters in her mind

It destroyed me because
        I could relate so well
               So I stayed to protect her
For just a night

I stayed even though
        She wasn't mine
                 And it broke my heart
That she wasn't mine

Because I don't think
                                     Anyone
Will ever love me
                                     Enough
To father my child

So I will never be a
M.o.t.h.e.r.

No matter how much I
                                         Long
To be one
No matter how many
                                         Tears
Drop at the thought

It suddenly c l i c k e d
In the darkness
Alone
With the monsters
That I may never actually
Give another
The gift of  
                   Life

And now my thoughts are
Murky water
And my skin is
Smothered a s h
And my heart is
A deep black hole


It breaks me

I will  n e v e r  have a little girl
W r a p  her miniature hand
Around my        f i n g e r
And  w h i s p e r  delicately
I love you,
                     Mommy.

Never.
            Never.
                        Never.