I wish all this
Twisted ****
Was just something
From my wits
A way to catch the
Attention of twits

That I was
Writing every poem
In a warm
Fuzzy home
With a life
That wasn't so
Dreadfully alone

The stories are true
The characters are
Tragically real
But stop acting
Like you can relate
Like you know
How I feel

I've seen some ****
I've been some places
I've stolen bags and
Cut up faces
I've tripped
For days
Came home wasted

No wonder
My head isn't
Feeling so well
No wonder
Everyday is a
Living hell
No wonder
I have all these ****** up
Stories to tell

It's the environment
That I so easily
Put myself in
It's my associates
That turned my
Pure soul to sin

So I take the blame
I take the fall
But if I never
Experimented
With my life's call
Then I'd have nothing
To tell you at all

We live on the same street

Sometimes when I lay down
At night
Snuggle with my pillow
In the frozen air
I hear a car **** by
And I wonder if it's you
I always
Always
Wonder if it's you

And the strange thing is
Inevitably
Sooner or later
I'll be right

And I'll be thinking of you
Driving past my house
Thinking of me
And all the mistakes we made
My hands are just as filthy
As yours

And you'll be wondering
if I'm home.
And you know what?
Maybe just once
You'll be right.

And for just a moment
We'll be thinking of each other again
Sharing a second in the dark
For a moment
We'll be nostalgically alone

These nights  are so bitter now
It's so hard to sleep
With you living down my street.

Your life is linear, but your mind is sporadic.
You could be anyone, anywhere.
Time stands still.
Suddenly you're seven.
Tugging on your mother's floral print dress and begging her for ice cream money.
Time speeds up.
Suddenly you're behind a register trying not to laugh at the bitter old man cursing you to the seventh layer of Hell for your purple hair and tattoos.
Time freezes.
Suddenly your ten and your mother is shaking you.
She wants to know, where is her son?
Where has her baby boy gone?
It's the middle of the night and she won't stop shaking you.
She stares out your window and mumbles something about drugs.
But you don't know what drugs are and it's three in the morning.
You're ten.
You blink twice and click your heels.
Suddenly you're sitting behind a desk,
And the school system is trying to tell you how to feel.
You don't buy into it, but you learned early on that fighting them will get you no where.
You play the game.
A snap of your fingers and once more you're seven,
And your mother is making you swear.
Not the "f" bomb or the "c" word.
No, she's making you say something much worse than that.
Swear you won't tell your father about the man she kissed on the park bench.
But you're only seven so the words flood out of your mouth.
Before you can even finish your story,
Your father smacks your jaw so hard that your head spins forward until you've turned fourteen.
Fourteen, and now you know exactly what drugs are
And why your brother does them so much.
Fourteen, and you hate your mother for making you lie,
And you hate your father for punishing the truth.
Fourteen, and the only way you can cope with all of the ******* that's written in the fine print of being a teenager is to annihilate your brain cells.
The memories swirl around and all you want to do is burn them down, but there's no more matches and the butane's run dry.
It's all happening in flashes.
Christmas cookies.
Late term papers.
Igloos.
Glass bottles smashed to pavement.
The day you got contacts.
Flip flops.
The icy chill of pumpkin guts on your skin.
Her overdose.
Hot tea.
New York.
London.
Maui.
LSD.
Alcohol.
Vicodin.
It all whizzes by, and you barely know who you are anymore.
Or where you've gone.
Or who you've disappointed.
And these people are still trying to tell you how to feel.
And then you're dead.
And all the memories add up, but it's not enough to fill your coffin.
There's all this space floating around.
All of those lives you could have lived if you just stopped for a moment.
Stopped letting them tell you how to feel.

Such a waste.

All I ever wanted was
another hit of you
just one last whiff of tragedy
the scent of my blood on your skin.

All I ever wanted was
proof you thought of me
when your mind went quiet
and the shadows ate your heart.

All I ever wanted was
every word you spoke
tattooed on my wrists
so I could finally **** us both
with one swift stroke.

We will be together in the end,
Where the sea meets the shore,
And my heart will finally bend.
I just might love you, forevermore.




*
For Paul.
The only man that could teach me how to love.

Your pupils were
Pinpricks
Last Wednesday
And I swear your words
Were slurred
Just a bit

Your mouth was in a
Constant frown
And you warned me
To stay
Away

But I didn't want to

Instead
I asked you what it
Was like
To breathe fire
And swallow glass

I was oh so curious
About the
Syringe
Cemented into your
Left arm

I needed to know
Why you felt the
Need
To inject yourself
With such
Addictive poison

You claimed that it was
All about the
Rush
And the way it made you feel
Alive

But I stood there
Confused
Because I couldn't possibly
Comprehend
How the drug that's killing you
Is somehow
Helping you live

I paused
And chose my words
Carefully

"You know,
Any addiction at all
Is just a
Hopeless reach for
Happiness.."

You laughed in my face
And promised me
That you were not
Addicted
To the drug
Or the high

But simply addicted
To the feeling
Of being alive

And again I was baffled
Because
I feel alive
Every time I fly towards the sky
On a swing set

And I feel alive
When I'm holding a child's hand
As she spins around

And I feel alive
When the Autumn breeze whips
My porcelain face

And I feel alive
When I etch my shattered heart
Onto paper

And I feel alive
When I hear a song I love
On the radio

And I feel alive
When I'm forced
To watch you die

The funny thing
About growing up was
I never realized
Just how happy I was
Until I became sad

I never realized
Just how loved I was
Until I was alone

I never realized how
Wonderful my parents were
Until I had none

I never realized
The bitter cold winters
Sweetened the sunlight

I never knew
How perfect we were together
Until you left me for dead

I never realized
A time would come
When an apology wouldn't be enough


I never knew.

T* hough I know the truth
H urt still lingers in my breath
E mptying out into the street

M other to none, sister to one, daughter to two
O nly one slight problem, I want to be alone with
N othing to bother me, no one to disrupt my
S leepless nightmares, taunting day dreams
T onight I shall not rest until I find a way to
E nd these thoughts, but I will never
R est easy, not until I learn the meaning of peace

W hat have I become anyway?
I s this liar, this thief, this ******,
T he person I've always wanted to
H onor with the title of my name?
I s this black hole swirling inside my chest
N othing more than a shell of a human being?

W hy do I always end up asking the same questions?
I  may never really know who I am
L ike most drifters and loners and
L osers, I may never learn to love myself

N othing is worse than not knowing
E verything there is to know about oneself, it's
V ery unsettling, earth shattering, words don't
E ven make sense, strung together in
R epetitious strings, dangling from the ceiling

S till, a part of me, a very small part
U nderstands that my life isn't really about
B ecoming who I'm meant to be
S ometimes, it's about just learning to
I dentify with the face in the mirror, ignoring the
D enial that seeps through my heart, I know that
E veryone thinks I've lost my head. Well, maybe I have..

4:17 A.M
   He gazed in my direction
   That awkward, gawky,
   Painter

4:18 A.M
   I blurted out my
   Greeting
   Uhm, hello..
   It was late
   I was nervous
   He was angelic

   Hey there
   His smile sliced
   Into me
   Inadvertently

4:19 A.M
    I sank into
    His eyes
    Blue as the sea
    His teeth
    Were an astonishing white
    Like foggy ice
    

4:22 A.M
    He had gone
    Out the door
    Swiftly vanished

4:25 A.M
    Calmed down
    Slowed my heart

    He was there

    Outside
    Cancer stick in hand
    Shivering in Winter
      
    Nervous again
    Cold tonight
    Smooth

4:26 A.M
    Blinking
    Sluggish
    He responded

    Cold every night
    When you're alone
    In this swarming
    City

4:27 A.M
    He stepped on his
    Cigarette

    And walked out
    Of my life

Sarah Lynn
And Tracey


I'm drifting away in my
Study
Thoughts of her creep
Into my mind
The scent of her skin
The life in her eyes
I can't focus on my work
These days
The loss of her
Has corrupted my soul
And my bones shatter
When I dream up
Her faint whisper
In my ear

It couldn't possibly
Be real?

I whisper into his ear
Hoping he can feel me
See me...
So much was left unsaid...
So many deeds left undone...
Time was not on my side
I scream out from the shadows
Waiting
Wanting
Someone to hear
Me this day...
To feel me that day...
I want the memory of me
To hold him in
The arms of thought
To seal this day in
Eternity's flame...

What was that?
I swear I'm losing
My sanity
It's as though she's here
Somehow
As though she knows
The truth
What really happened
That night
The guilt is torturous
My paranoid eyes
Dart around the room
No one can find out
No one can know...

Truth?
In this shell of who I am
Now...I know his truth...
I want him to feel the pain
He caused me...
I want him to sweat beads
Of fear in knowing I'm still
Here...
Watching...him...touching him...
I want him to wear a symbol
Of my pain...
A stigmata for all to see...
A warning sign...
Bleed daily from this place...
And know
I'll never let you go...
My memory will wrap
Around you like a blanket
Of pain...
Remember me...that day

She's streaming through me
Like osmosis of spirit
Short of breath
Clutching my chest
The walls spin
The lights flicker
I run to the mirror
Frantic
Her hands on my neck
Cold and clammy
My mouth falls open
At the sight
Of myself
And the bruises around
My neck
Where her memory
Found a way
To strangle me
As the first repercussion
For what I did
That day..

*I'm finding solace
In your suffering...
I see you looking at
Your reflection in the
The mirror
And seeing
Me...
Reliving when your hands
Were around my neck...
The pressure, the pain
Until my one last gurgling
Breath took place...
Cold and clammy
I'll forever be...in this
Place you've left me...
Suffer with me unsettled
Spirit...
My breath is yours...
The sensations on your skin
Are the spiders crawling on
Mine...
From six feet under...
Don't go to my grave to
Find comfort...
Because I'm not there
I'm still your reflection
In the mirror~

I was so broken
Back then
And the really interesting thing was
I thought I was hiding it
So well
But the truth of the matter
Rested in the fact that
My friends loved me too much
To point out
The cracks in my skin

They waited patiently
For me to heal
On my own
They sat in silence for years
Watching my insides
Rot out
But they never uttered a word

But, unknowingly
I assumed they simply
Did not care
About my mental health
Or my well being
I assumed
They didn't really know me
All that well
I figured
They never asked about
My broken soul
Because they didn't
Care enough
To see it


So tell me
Who put this noose
Around my throat?
Me?
For my silence
Fueled by shame

Or them?
For pretending not to see
How damaged I was?

Sure,
They saved me the embarrassment
Of pointing out my instability.

But I would have much rather
Had them save my life instead.

When I was younger I used to think that all the cars on the highway were racing each other. I used to yell at my mom because we were driving so slow. I never wanted to lose. She usually shrugged off my request or simply ignored it entirely. Then I began to imagine that the highway wrapped completely around the world, and we could drive to China if we really wanted to. No one ever told me otherwise because I rarely shared my ideas with anyone. That was the thing about being a kid, I just totally gave up on asking adults questions because their answers were always lies they told just to get me to stop asking more questions. I think that's *******. I was so curious about this life that was forced upon me. I was so curious about everything. And no one ever took the time to correctly explain to me how our lake got it's name or where butterflies go when they die. No one ever told me how Santa could get into our apartment if we didn't have a chimney and no one dare mentioned why I absolutely had to drink a full glass of milk every night with dinner.

I used to be so conceited that I thought the moon would chase me around the earth when I was catching fire flies in jars. And no one told me that fire flies need air holes and some type of food source. No one told me jarring up nature is probably a bad idea. No one told me I was stealing the souls of innocent creatures.

And then one day, somehow, I blinked and all of my curiosity disappeared. Suddenly I knew that thunder didn't mean the sky was ripping open and lightening wasn't pure magic. One day the school ripped away all of my creativity and I was forced to think inside of this boring box. One day I was fed all of the truths I never really wanted to know. One day I was reprogrammed into accepting a life of poverty in a cubicle. One day all my dreams became replaced by rants about a corrupt government. One day I realized the moon wasn't following me and the stars never belonged in my palms.

One day I was told that my life would amount to nothing and all would be forgotten and our existence is completely unjustified. One day I learned that everything I've ever loved or hated will be crushed into oblivion, and if I have a soul no one has any idea where it will go when my body turns into worm food.

And one day all of my questions were stashed away in a box and I just stopped caring about everything.

And then I met you. And your eyes had all the stars I ever wanted. And they were mine. And suddenly everything made sense and the world became beautiful, even when it wasn't. And then your hand held mine and all that mattered to me was your happiness and how wide I could spread your smile. One day you said my name and my ears never bothered to listen to music again. One day I realized that our love was the personification of beauty and no one could ever take that away from us. And one day I realized that everything temporary is much more permanent than it seems and even if our children's children's children forget our names, the stars never will.

We might as well be crying in the street
With all this blood on our knees
And you begged me for just one more
Secret to keep

We might as well be drowning in the ocean
With a heart severed out in the open
And you asked me for promises
Whispers unspoken

We might as well be angels in the sky
With the stars at our feet, twinkles in eyes
And you pushed me up to the moon
Kisses goodbye

We might as well be dogs in the dust
With the wind kicking us up in every gust
And you tripped me right into hell
The devil's sick lust

We are the mistakes of her past
With scars pierced straight through our backs
And she was the last beautiful soul
I ever had

Her heels clicked and clacked
Along the side walk
And her heart turned to black
As her **** talked

Fifty if you want a spin
He sneered and hustled
Even more if you want in
And her feathers ruffled

The ****** bag quickly dealt
With the customer
It never mattered how she felt
No one trusted her

Her eyes darted to the left
As she planned her escape
What some thought of as theft
She could call ****

She teased the man in room
Left him distracted
Told him she'd be in soon
After she practiced

Awakened and sober
She grabbed the knife
Quietly killed her lover
And gained a life

Now, suddenly free and alone
She never thought
Her body could be her own
And no longer bought

With nothing left to give
She no longer cried
The woman would live
While the ****** died

It's disgusting.

I'm so repulsed
By all of these teenage boys
With a half tuned acoustic
Serenading the pants
Off of girls who don't know
The difference between
A sweet gesture
And a sweet talker

It's disgusting.
The wide eyes and sunrise
The picnic baskets and bouquets
The hand written love letters
From boys with the worst of intentions
For the girls
With the purest of hearts

Stop it
Just ******* stop it already
That's not love
That's not even close
That's just what you're told
To believe in

Love?

Love is the *******
And the longing
Love is a cold night
With an even colder beer
Sitting alone in a bar
Wishing your sweet pea
Was closer somehow
But knowing that's nothing short of
******* impossible

Love is breaking into pieces
On the pavement in public
In mid-July
And not giving a **** who sees
Your tears staining the sidewalk chalk
Love is just another metaphor
For hopscotch

Love is a broken door
A broken window
The screaming and the spit
The blood and the sweat

Love is putting up with
All of the ****
Someone throws at you
Like a deranged chimpanzee

Love is wanting to **** someone
That you know
You could never live without

Love is injecting too much of your soul
Into someone who isn't worth
An ounce of your time
And pretending like
You're actually happy

Love is a ******* disaster.

But it's always
Always
Worth it.

*Isn't it?

Sometimes when
I walk home
In the morning
Before the sun
Is even awake
I play with little scenarios
In my head

I think it's something
Everyone does
But this specific morning
I thought of you
And that time in
Your truck
And I realized that
A part of me wished
You had just pulled
The trigger

Not because
Part of me
Is slightly suicidal
Or wants to
Die
Even though it is
Inevitable

Not because
I wanted
The school to
Shut down
And mourn for weeks
Over me

Not because
I've always wanted
To see the look on
Her face
When she threw away
My belongings
And skimmed over the
Words
I ******* hate my
Mother
In my preteen
Diary

Not because
I wondered what
People would
Say about me
And if their words would
Even be true

Not because
Deep down in my
Heart
I wasn't sure
If you
Would even bother
To show up
At my
Funeral

But I wished that
You pulled the trigger
Because then
Hopefully
You would have gone to
Jail
For my ******
And I know that sounds
Like a bad thing
Because I guess it is

But at least
You would have
A roof over your
Head
And three square meals
A day

And maybe that's
A weird way of
Thinking

But you really would be
Better off
Without me

An addict for
Several years now
I find myself
Huffing ink
And snorting paper
Because in this
Economy
I can't afford
Those expensive highs
Anymore

So I turned to the pen
To the blue and black
Smudges on my hands
But the pen is
Just as dead as my ends

Just as dead as me

Technology has taken over
And I have friends across
The Atlantic
And I have emotions bleeding
Into pixels

This instability
Is slowly killing me
What will my next
Addiction be?

I am only human
The fact that I am fallible
Is quite inevitable

But maybe these are
Subtle excuses
For my relentless actions
And maybe there has
Been a decline
In my wits
And my brain has
Rusted over

Every addiction
Lives inside
Waiting to surface
As though they are all
Old poker buddies
Sitting around the
Heart shaped table
In my rib cage
Placing bets on
My mortality

There must
Be some way
To crawl into my
Computer screen
And flow through
Infinity

Because this reality
Can't be real

This girl with the bags
Under her eyes
With the bruises
On her arms
With the regret
In her smile

Can't possibly
Be me...

It's not good enough.

I scrape apart my fragmented words.

You call yourself a writer?

I smear the fresh ink.

This isn't art.

Flames lick my notepad.

Give it up. No one cares.

I'm trying like hell not to cry this time.

Everything you do is a waste.

The smoke smells like death. I can't breathe.

Stop trying to define art.

I collapse. Oxygen cut from my cells.

What? You think this **** is ironic?**

Without creativity, why exist at all?

They don't tell you that even sunlight
Can burn
After a while

They don't tell you that money
Isn't worth
The salt in your skin

They don't tell you
That words can ****
And looks can heal

They don't tell you that monsters
Are real
But so is magic

They don't tell you
Anything worth knowing

They don't tell you what to do
When your whole world
Comes crashing down
Torn apart at the seams
With no needle
No thread

They don't tell you
How to patch up your life

They don't tell you
That innocence can be stolen
And hearts can be purchased

They don't tell you
That the universe is just a phase.

They don't tell you that the moonlight
Is the only medicine
Worth taking.




                                                     ­                They don't.
                                                          ­           They don't tell you any of this.

                                                          ­           Because they don't know.

                                                          ­           No one told them,
                                                           ­                                                 Either.

He draws a drag
Of his Newport
Staring up at me with
Those knives he calls eyes

My stomach twists and
I can taste the
***** in my throat
From the
Disease we call
Love

I study his appearance
Thinking of how beautiful
The folds in his baggy jeans
Really are

My opinion is biased
I'm sure it's hideous
But I've always found a way
To see the beauty in him
No matter how hard he
Tried to hide it

Love

I try to scratch the word
Out of my brain
But it's no use

How happy I would be
If I could just
Live alone
With a million cats
And slowly progress
Into madness


And when he
Leaves
Because his cigarette has
Dwindled down to
The filter

It rips me in half
And my heart bursts
Into flame
Then to ash

Only to be regenerated
When he walks
Back outside
And slices my veins
With his words
It's freezing out here,
You going inside?

I prepare for the worst
Take a few steps
A few deep breaths
And concentrate on the
Pulse from
My internal
Bleeding, broken
Phoenix

You're such a
Mother *******
*****
Get out of my
Life
And don't ever
Come back

Lay next to me
Please,
You don't have to
Do anything else.
No pressure
Just lay with me
One night
One moment...
That's all I ask

I never loved
You
At all

Why won't you
Just kiss me?
You know that
I want to...

What would you
Do if I
Shot you
Right here
Right now?
...What if I shot
Myself instead?
Right in my head,
BOOM!
Would you even
******* care?

I know how
I've treated you
And I'm sorry,
Oh, God,
I'm so sorry...
I don't know why
You keep talking to me
You're too good
Too nice
Too... perfect
I don't deserve
A friend like you

I hate
You.
I hate every
Little ******* thing
About you.
I hate the way you
Laugh
I hate the way you
Smile
I hate the way you
Look at me
I hate the way you
Breathe
Just get the ****
Away from me

I don't know what
It is about you
You've always tried
To make it work
Even when
I cursed you out
You never fought back
You just got quiet
Like you understood
...Can we please
Just be friends
Again?
Is it weird if I tell you
I miss you
Everyday?

It's over.
I'm done.
I'm tired of going
In circles with you
We're never going to
Figure this out
So why the ****
Do we keep trying?
Just erase me
From your life
And make this
Easy
For the both
Of us

And the whole time
All that I could think about
Was how I wanted to
Hug you
I just wanted to
Wrap my arms around
You
So badly
I couldn't focus
On anything else

You don't get it do you?
I'd only date you if
I was on drugs the
Whole entire time
It just hurts too much
And I don't know if anything
Could ever numb me
Enough to rid
Me of you

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Don't tell me to
Stop saying it,
Because you know that
I mean it.
I love you.
I've always loved you.
I love you...

Sometimes,
You make me
Wish I were dead
I can't go on
Like this
Anymore
Good ******* bye*

I can't
Imagine life
Without you
You make everything
Worth while
I'll always be here
For you
No matter what
I promise



But the worst part is
Your haunting silence...

My thumbs twiddle under the cracks in the sky
Prussian blue and a remarkable cool gray
Littered with hints of light dancing together
I let out a sigh, unable to take in the beauty above me

My veins shatter like a Halloween pumpkin
Prematurely smashed before the holiday
Smoke twists and lingers around my left wrist
I take in a drag, half wishing the cancer would kick in

My eyes close from the chill of Fall rushing by
Seeping through my rock solid skin
Leaves rustle and wedge between my squirming toes
I blankly stare, wondering if I will ever find my true home.

Igniting my anger
Scarring my skin
Pulling my hair
Making a noose
With the
Strands

You drive me up a
Brick wall
Straight into
Insanity

Boiling blood
Red in the face
Screaming
Spitting
Rage

How can you
Justify our
"Friendship"

How can you
Say it's all been
"Forgotten"

My temperature
Rises
I glare at your
Ragged clothing
You live out of your
Piece-of-**** Jetta
Homeless and
Hopeless

Oh, how I despise you
Ex-lover
Ex-friend
Ex-human being

I shrill out in disgust
Just admit it
I mean nothing
To you
These days

That's not true
You retort
Getting off your
Makeshift stool
From fourth grade
Outside your old
Home

Your finger slams into me
Poking my soul
Just get the ****
Away from me
Already

Speechless
Full of emotion
Acting without
Thinking

I slapped your
Face
And we tussled
'Til dawn
'Til the problems
Were solved


But

I still despise you
Ex-lover
Of mine

And you still
**** me with
Every line

I think maybe I'm too comfortable
In solitude
In fact, when others explain
The hell
Of solitary confinement
I honestly believe
It sounds like bliss


I never miss you when you're gone
I never miss you at night
I never imagine your hand in mine
I never, never yearn for you


I think it's because
Mainly
I don't know what it's like
To miss anyone
With the exception of
Myself

Tonight on my lonely walk back
From your house
I thought about how
****** up
Everything's become

And how my heart
Is being wrapped in your web
So delicately spun
And while the lovers
Laugh with the moon
I'm walking home

Through the melting
Blackened snow
Over the glistening sidewalk
That reflects the dim streetlights
And my heart pounds in
My throat

I thought about how
Disappointed my parents would be
If only they knew

If only they knew
What rested between the skin
Of my chest and the
Padding of my bra
If only they knew
The green pill
With the 52 engraved

Was meant for me

To rid my head
Of all those words
You burned into my brain
Years
Ago


I thought of love
And how I will die alone
I thought of life
And how I waste it
I thought of music
And how it will never
Sound the same

I thought of her voice and her eyes and her
Bright LED smile

I thought of that girl
The smart one I loved
The dork who wasn't ashamed
To admit to her love of Xmen
I thought of the comic book nerd
The homework loving book smart
A student

I thought of
Who I was
Then
And who I am now

And my God, despite everything,
I thought of us.

And how I wished that the boy
Selling me drugs
Was buying me flowers
Instead.

But that's not how
It goes.

You've stripped me of any hope in romance.

And now
The only thing I believe in
Is amphetamines laced with
Guilt.

Oh my lovely dear,
What a day.
Another complicated year,
In the play,
More commonly known,
As my life.
Where I've grown,
As a wife,
Married to the earth and sky.
And the moon,
Has always watched me sigh,
A delicate tune.


Oh my angel, it seems,
The world is not,
A place for you to dream.
Only to rot,
To wash up and fade away,
To pull apart.
To break in every way,
And lose heart.
Well I put up a fight,
Raise my fists,
Throw punches all night,
And rarely miss.


Oh my darling, you know,
It's my birthday.
And every time you go,
It's the worst day.
I tried my best to pretend.
Fake a smile.
But the nonsense had to end,
After a while.
Now I have grown tired,
Of my old fears.
And the one person I desired,
Has disappeared.

At first,
I was excited.
$27,
Straight profit,
From my state taxes.


After the pain,
The confusion,
The anguish,
The frustration,

Did I mention,
THE CONFUSION!?


My smile deflated when I saw,
It costs $27.95 to file the form.


***** you,
New Jersey.

I know that now it's far too late
For you to take me seriously
I'm sixteen glasses deep
Of that wine you recommended
That night you thought I wasn't
Even paying attention
I did that a lot you know,
Kept quiet in the serenity of your presence
I was always afraid
My words would cause you to
Vanish
Again

Anyway,
I never had the courage to say it,
I would just get so caught up in my head
But the words flow now
So effortlessly
I want you to know
It's true what they say
Ain't no rest
For the wicked


White Zinfandel,

I still have the headache.

Who am I, anyway?


Am I the laughter in the
Spring air
When she spins around
My golden brown hair?

Am I the pulse
In his veins
When he taps his feet
To the beat of the rain?

Am I the hunger in his
Broken iris
When he asks if there
Is more to life than this?

No, I know the truth.*

I am the tip of the
Needle injecting
These nasty drugs that
Pollute my dreams, infecting

I am the bitter tone
In his voice
When he swears that
I always had a choice

I am the poison in his
Deflated lungs
I am the venomous girl
That no one could ever love

I spent my entire childhood
Wishing I was older
I was under the mistaken impression
That older somehow
Equated to better

And then one day
I was older
And all my quirks
Turned into labels
That one day
Turned into
Prescriptions

And all my rebellion
Turned into addiction
And all my imagination
Turned into heartache
And all my dreams
Turned into dust

And now I spend
My entire adulthood
Praying for a time machine
Or death.

Whichever comes first.

I have these voices in my head
And they are constantly
At war with me
And my self esteem
These voices are sadistic
They are cruel
They constantly warp reality

I try to fight these words
Every day of my life
It's so tiring
And to be honest,
Some days I don't fight at all
I welcome the dark thoughts
Invite them over for tea
Let them completely dissolve my insides
We laugh sometimes
The voices and I.
But usually we cry
Together

To me,
Love is the way
You always manage
To silence the voices.
Just your smile
Ignites my soul
To me,
Love is the way
You make my eyes shine.
Love is the way
I could just hold your hand
For all eternity

Love is how you've turned
All of my numbness
Into pure dumbness
Love is for fools
And sinners.

*I will go to the grave
With your name on my breath.

I've never done
Anything
That you wanted me to do
I never danced
On a Wednesday night
In the middle of the gym
I never laughed
Over math books
During lunch hour

I was too busy
Smoking behind dumpsters
With total strangers
And I was too busy
Acting like a bad ***
And lying to you, Mom
Saying the money was
For a movie I never even saw

I've never done
Anything
That you wanted me to do
I never held a boy's
Hand, just for the sake of
Love
I never smiled
Under the full moon
Just to feel human

I was too busy
Watching him breathe
To make sure he never OD'ed
And I was too busy
Crying as the walls
Melted from the drugs
That you inadvertently
Paid for, Mom

I've never done
Anything
That you wanted me to do
I never felt
An ounce of guilt
For stealing from you
I never
Had the slightest desire
To tell you the truth

I was too busy
Pretending to be
The perfect daughter
And I was too busy
Covering up my life
Trying to keep
The stories straight
As I lied to your face

I've never done
Anything
That you wanted me to do
I never wanted
To become the spitting
Image of you
I never imagined
That's exactly
What I'd do

I'm angry

Seriously, ******

Because people rake up leaves
Like they can
Control nature

Because in the third grade you
Pushed me down
Instead of helping me up

Because I never forgot
The day you
Apologized to me
And you can't even remember
Last Tuesday

Because Sarah Lynn
Isn't even my
Real name

Because I had to feed
Myself at the age of
Five
And I was raised by
A *******
Television screen

Because I thought the
Drugs could somehow
Fix everything
For me
And they just made
It worse

Because everyone thinks
I'm a lesbian
Simply because I've never
Had a serious boyfriend
But how could I
Tell them
That I never loved
Another
After you...

Because I step on the cracks
Praying I break
Her back

Because all of those
Songs
That I can relate to
Weren't really
Sung about me

Because when you
Finally
Told me how you felt
I pretended
That I was just
Sleeping

Because everyone
Turns the other
Cheek
When they see me
Crumble

Because no one
Will ever read these
Words and
Understand completely
Where I'm coming from

Because I feel like
I think too fast
And I know too much
And I'm too overwhelmed
To ever truly experience
Happiness

Because I'm the only
Person in my life
That I can
Trust
With anything
Serious

I'm angry
Because...

Because when he smiles
At me
My heart melts
And there's nothing
I can do about it
Because he's
Dead

I love you because sometimes
When I stare up at the sky
At night
And the stars shine down
And the moon always smiles back
I feel
Minuscule.
I feel
Insignificant.

I love you because
When I look at you
I never feel that way.

And I think that's reason enough
To hold your hand
For the rest of my life.

Am I the last person to find out
About this format?
I don't like it.
Can't figure it out.
Probably won't use it.


See ya HP!

And when you two
Entered my room
All I could think about
Were her cherry lips
Wrapped around your ****
Her crimson hair
Tickling your chest
All I could think about
Was your hand
Enveloped in hers
Your words
Circling in her head
All of those promises
You whispered to her
In the serenity of 4AM
That you were recycling
From my tongue.

Does she know?
Does she ask you what I once
Meant to you?
Have you ever dared
To mention my name?
Or has she just merely
Encountered a stranger?
Am I nothing now?
Does she know how
You turned her into a criminal?

Stealing all of your intimate moments
Away from me.
Cat like thief.
And I'll claw her ******* eyes out.