I lay my head down
On the pillows of our past
Your indentation hasn't yet shifted
And I can still smell your essence
A twisted mix of shampoo and cheap cigarettes

Inhale.

It's almost like you're still with me
Blackened vision
The ghost of your arm wraps around me
Tighter than you ever had


Let me go.
You let me go.

Exhale.

The months fade like carbon paper etchings
Over time, I can't tell what you used to say
But I swear your voice
Still echoes down the hall
This isn't normal
And I'm proud now
That's half the problem

Inhale.


You breathe in daisies now.
Like I don't know how she smells.
Coconut and sunshine
Run off with your summer dream
While I'm stomping through
Snow angels
Hot boxing igloos, the way we used to
And you pretend to forget
Those nights we died between the stars

Exhale.

Pulse racing.


Suddenly I expose myself
Rip down the walls
Allow the hurt to spew into my vulnerability
Only a fool would miss you
This much

Well, color me brainless
As I breathe you in once more


Darling, I've been abandoned
For the thousandth time
And you'd think by now
I'd keep away

But that's the thing about
Fools in love,


We never learn.
We always think the ones we adore
Are worth the hurt.

They're not,
They're not.

But still,
I'll be waiting at your back door.
Knocking twice with a kick.
Our signal from 1997.

The street lights will gleam in our eyes.
As we try for the last time.

Exhale.


Just stay.

I bite my tongue
Trying my best to ignore
How empty my soul grew
The day you walked out
And how I've spent
Countless days
Weeks
Years
Attempting to live
Without your breath
Intertwined with mine
And I hate to tell you
But I'm doing an awful job
Of moving on
I can still feel your eyes
Burning through my
Rarely exposed skin
Can still trace
The outline of your hand
Tangled up with mine

An unhealthy obsession
With your ****** coated heart
******* pupils
THC blood
It seemed you were addicted
To everything but me

And I swore I could save you
I could change you
Together we could
Heal each other
And truth be told
I don't think you wanted me
To reach out to you
And truth be told
I'm still waiting
For you to turn around
And rescue me

Years later
I'm stagnant
Praying for you to finally
Wake up and realize
I am here
I always have been
And I always will be
Here.

They say true love never dies
I need you to prove them right.

How did I get this way?
I wonder
With my footprints scattered
Across the sea

And suddenly I hate this world
For hating me

Such a strong word,
Hate
And I wonder

Does saying a strong word
A thousand times over
Make it any weaker?

Can I disarm a language?
Dissect the letters with my tongue?

How did I get this way?
I wonder
With weights on my lungs
And smoke in my flesh

The world is rotting away
Can't they see it?
Can't they?

I've got handprints on the stars
Cut up like thanksgiving turkeys

I'm not asking you to understand
I'm not asking you to listen at all
I'm just asking you
To open your eyes.

Question everything, please.
Even this statement.

Even me.
Even you.

We are floating along
In the middle of infinite time and space
And you want me
To justify my existence
Just like that?

Just like that?

What if I can't?
What then?

What now?


Truth be told,
Most days I feel like all that I'm really doing
Is just waiting to die.

Bad morning darling, my eyes cynically beam
Staining my rotten teeth and my swirling dreams
The best ******* part of waking up
Is this twisted sickness in my gut
Nausea freshly brewed
Minty gums partially chewed

Bleeding raw, half crimson, half cream
Another cup spilled at the ****** scene
Caution tape draped around my tongue
Shooting up caffeine like a ****** with a gun
The sweet snow crystals dangle on my buds
The rings on our table blur and smudge

An heirloom ruined, a life destroyed
Another addiction to soak up the void
Dipping memories into steaming drops
Steeping leaves and beans into knots
I drain my mug, knowing the bitter truth
Coffee will never leave me the way I left you.

Together, you and I have been through,
More than I would ever like to admit to.
I haven't forgotten seventh grade, the gun,
Held to my head as some type of "fun,"
The look of horror in my youthful eyes,
As you swore it was just a sickening surprise.
I wish that was the only time you had,
Almost ended my life, without feeling bad.
But no, let's not forget the hood of your car,
As you sped down the road towards the bar,
And as I screamed, you slammed on the breaks,
I flew off, later having to patch up the scrapes.

And now people wonder if I'm blind, deaf, or dumb.
There are no answers to give, I'm simply numb.
How can we still be friends? They ask.
Well I have to tell you, it's no easy task,
But I know a side to you that no one's ever seen.
I know why you are so afraid of your dreams,
Your life of solitude and constant insomnia,
Those lonely weeks you spent in California.
I know it all baby, I've always paid attention,
But you're a monster now, or so they mention.
So I have no choice, I need know,
I ask you in a low tone, cold and slow,

Where are we going? I could never really tell,
You respond darkly. **If we're lucky? Straight to hell.

I'm just a **** up
It's been six years since I saw you last
And I have nothing to update you
With
My life is exactly
The ******* same.

I'm just a **** up
You've got kids now you say
Bright blue eyes and bouncing curls
You're happy now
You say
You've found it all
The secret to life.

I'm just a **** up
But I don't tell you that
I fake a smile and act like
I'm okay too
Like my whole ******* life
Worked out the day you
Walked out
Like I've got secrets of my own
To keep.

But all you really need to know
Is that I kept dealing
Kept slinging around this ****
Like I had something valuable
To sell
Kept crying on subways
Like my life was something
To ***** about.

All you really need to know
Is that I'm still a ****** up
**** up
And I miss you.
And I guess I should be happy
That my partner in crime
Has found someone
To tame him
Finally.

But I miss you so ******* much
So what do you say?
How about we **** this one up
For old times sake?
Get a cup of coffee, roll a jay
And spit one right back
In life's ugly little face?

Kids you say? Three?
How'd they like a step-monster
Just like me?
I'm the kind of influence
They really need
Someone has to teach them
That one day
They'll have the honor of saying

*I'm just a **** up.

I want to be the girl you talk about
When logic is no longer in sight
I want my name to be the one you mumble
To strangers on the street
Crying in the arms of ex-best friends
About how perfect we could have been


I hope I'm that lump in your throat
And you remember every inch of my lips
When you finally kiss another's
Out of sheer bitterness
I hope your bones shatter
When she grabs your hand
And you feel like there's nothing left
Worth breathing for


I want you to miss me so much
That you still dream of me
Singing you to sleep

I hope that, even for just a day,
You know how it feels
To be me

This is sick to admit
But when your hand brushed mine
Last night
In the most innocent way possible
I swear on the headstone
Of the mother
I really never knew
That it was the most alive
I've ever felt
In my entire life

It was odd
That second felt like a lifetime
And a nanosecond
All rolled into one

And if just a touch of your hand
Could make me want
To live just that much longer

Imagine

Just imagine

What a kiss could do.

We might as well be crying in the street
With all this blood on our knees
And you begged me for just one more
Secret to keep

We might as well be drowning in the ocean
With a heart severed out in the open
And you asked me for promises
Whispers unspoken

We might as well be angels in the sky
With the stars at our feet, twinkles in eyes
And you pushed me up to the moon
Kisses goodbye

We might as well be dogs in the dust
With the wind kicking us up in every gust
And you tripped me right into hell
The devil's sick lust

We are the mistakes of her past
With scars pierced straight through our backs
And she was the last beautiful soul
I ever had

Who am I, anyway?


Am I the laughter in the
Spring air
When she spins around
My golden brown hair?

Am I the pulse
In his veins
When he taps his feet
To the beat of the rain?

Am I the hunger in his
Broken iris
When he asks if there
Is more to life than this?

No, I know the truth.*

I am the tip of the
Needle injecting
These nasty drugs that
Pollute my dreams, infecting

I am the bitter tone
In his voice
When he swears that
I always had a choice

I am the poison in his
Deflated lungs
I am the venomous girl
That no one could ever love

Have you ever wished that you were a different person entirely?
Not for a different color of hair
Or a different weight
Not for almond eyes and a heart shaped face
Or a better laugh
But what if you woke up as someone else?
Complete with new memories and enemies
A new set of parents or lack there of
And a new perspective on the world
Would you miss the old you?
Would you want to go back
To the way things were?
Would you realize that you actually enjoy
Your boring mundane routine
Simply because it is hauntingly comforting
Because there is sanity entwined with repetition
Because doing something more than once
Helps it define you, somehow, in a way…
Or would you be just happy
That you got another shot?
That you could start over?
Picking up all the pieces someone else
Had left behind?
A new kid on the last day of school.
What would you do?

And how would you feel
If you never woke up at all?
If this was your last night?
Would you welcome death like an old friend
Or would you run? Fearful?
Would regret hang on your face
Or would you laugh at all the time passed
Would it be too soon?
Or fashionably late?

Would you die?
Or would you have left footprints
In the stars?

The diamond girl's been ringin' all night
The world's strongest stone is cutting
Through flesh straight to snow white
Bone
Severed by a telephone line wrapped
Around my tissue wrist, disintegrating
In the sin of September, jailed for slicing
Alone

Wires criss-cross over my blackened eyes
Seven inches of glass can't seal out these
Broken screams that stab under my nails
Nightmares
The pills that slide down my throat swell
Inside my head, I've finally found insanity
Peace is internal, the chaos has always been
Out there

So hold me tight, shadow projection
Dig the hole with a needle, sedate me
Silence the terror and break in these sheets
Haunted
Cut, cut out those memories sunken
Into the depths of my subconscious
Pretend I was never the child no one
Wanted

The sweet crimson dances along
Every crevice full, every beige tile
Ruined, splattered, crying red beauty
Below
The splits in my ends pull apart
A half-hair strand dangles in the starlight
I wonder if I will ever catch up to the
Slow

I beg my flushed skin to rot right off
Pray my honey brown eyes grow mold
Hope and wish and dream for
Destruction
I can no longer breathe stale air
Or hide the scent of my own blood
No longer will I live under another's
Instruction

In the land of the forgotten

Sarah Lynn
And Tracey


I'm drifting away in my
Study
Thoughts of her creep
Into my mind
The scent of her skin
The life in her eyes
I can't focus on my work
These days
The loss of her
Has corrupted my soul
And my bones shatter
When I dream up
Her faint whisper
In my ear

It couldn't possibly
Be real?

I whisper into his ear
Hoping he can feel me
See me...
So much was left unsaid...
So many deeds left undone...
Time was not on my side
I scream out from the shadows
Waiting
Wanting
Someone to hear
Me this day...
To feel me that day...
I want the memory of me
To hold him in
The arms of thought
To seal this day in
Eternity's flame...

What was that?
I swear I'm losing
My sanity
It's as though she's here
Somehow
As though she knows
The truth
What really happened
That night
The guilt is torturous
My paranoid eyes
Dart around the room
No one can find out
No one can know...

Truth?
In this shell of who I am
Now...I know his truth...
I want him to feel the pain
He caused me...
I want him to sweat beads
Of fear in knowing I'm still
Here...
Watching...him...touching him...
I want him to wear a symbol
Of my pain...
A stigmata for all to see...
A warning sign...
Bleed daily from this place...
And know
I'll never let you go...
My memory will wrap
Around you like a blanket
Of pain...
Remember me...that day

She's streaming through me
Like osmosis of spirit
Short of breath
Clutching my chest
The walls spin
The lights flicker
I run to the mirror
Frantic
Her hands on my neck
Cold and clammy
My mouth falls open
At the sight
Of myself
And the bruises around
My neck
Where her memory
Found a way
To strangle me
As the first repercussion
For what I did
That day..

*I'm finding solace
In your suffering...
I see you looking at
Your reflection in the
The mirror
And seeing
Me...
Reliving when your hands
Were around my neck...
The pressure, the pain
Until my one last gurgling
Breath took place...
Cold and clammy
I'll forever be...in this
Place you've left me...
Suffer with me unsettled
Spirit...
My breath is yours...
The sensations on your skin
Are the spiders crawling on
Mine...
From six feet under...
Don't go to my grave to
Find comfort...
Because I'm not there
I'm still your reflection
In the mirror~

The shaky palm of my hand
Skims my left flushed cheek
Crimson
A desire swims under
My tissue paper skin
Lust

Your lips pressed to mine
A silent promise
Love
Wings burst out of shoulder blades
Black feathers spread the floor
Angel

A twisted Cheshire smile
And you're out the window
Solitude
Broken glass falls around my frame
Cut up within the sheets
Shattered

Salty hot liquid pools in my eyes
Crying is not an option
Death
Empty inside, scraping my brain
Just one moment of togetherness
Saved

Imagining your strength
Seeping into my bones
Poison
I wonder if you were
Ever really next to me
Illusions

There is a sickeningly sweet
Comfort in loneliness
Shadows
With me, or not, I will never falter,
I'm pure. I'm a thousand reflections.
Diamond

The sunlight hides behind
Stubborn clouds
A few squirming
Beams
Make it through

My chest sinks
As my breath escapes
No words could truly
Describe
How amazing it feels to be
In my
Homeland
Again
New Jersey

Night falls
My feet criss-crossed in the
Street
**** squished onto the
Curb
Cigarette in hand
Filthy habit
Wonderful release

And you're next to me
Again

Like how it was
When we were
Kids

My teeth are
Chattering
Your hands are
Shaking

Here we go
Again

This story plays out
In my mind
For the hundredth
Time

And to tell you the
Truth
Even I'm sick of the poems
About you

Back in town
Back in my head
Back into circles
Again

I swear it never ends

But even in the
Dead of night
You stick a lily in my
Hair

And it makes everything
Bearable
For just a moment

Until you find
A new way to
Destroy me

Again

I often sit back and wonder
How the world got this way
Who decided to corrupt it?
Who invented war?
Why we are programmed to hate?
To ****?

Why do we let our demons have full reign?
And why does no one stop it?

Imagine a world of peace.
Can you?
Because I can't.
Not anymore.
Not like this.

It's passed the point of no return.
And everyone is aware.
And no one is stopping it.

I just want to stop it.
Stop it cold.

Why **** when you can create?
Why hate what you can hold dear?

I love every dead citizen,
Of all the countries,
I'm too terrified to visit.

But even more,
I love the man pulling the trigger,
Who has to live with the guilt,
For the rest of his life.
Fighting a war he doesn't believe in,
For a country,
That won't ever love him back.

Now tell me,
Was your military discount,
Worth the blood of thousands?
Was it?

How do you sleep at night?
Tell me.
Because I barely get a wink,
Knowing these people exist.

How did the world get this way?
We're just all products of fear.
A school is just a factory.
There is no education anymore.
And I'm tired of living this lie.

Pull the wool back over my eyes.
I'd rather sleep
With the rest of a thousand sheep.

And turn my head to the slaughter.
Turn my head to the corrupt.

I'd rather carry on.
Not doing a **** thing to stop it.

So tell me, now.
Who is really pulling the trigger.
You or me?

*You or me?

I imagine a life with you
But I'm still dreaming of him
I want your children
Running around our house
Jumping on our bed
Sunday morning regret
Homemade waffles
From hungover hands
But it'll all be worth it
Because I know
Even then, years from now
There will still be stars in  your eyes
When my hair is a mess
And my clothes are littered with holes

I imagine our wedding day
The invitations with calligraphy
Engraved in deep ink
And how I can't bring myself
To dare write his name
With my hungover hands
And I don't tell you this
But I still dream up his face
When I'm kissing your lips
And I wish I could stop
But my heart is a mess
And his eyes never shined
Nearly as bright as yours
But they were deep enough
Kashmir quick sand
And I'm still stuck
Dreaming of him, my dear

I wish I was sorry.

Oh my lovely dear,
What a day.
Another complicated year,
In the play,
More commonly known,
As my life.
Where I've grown,
As a wife,
Married to the earth and sky.
And the moon,
Has always watched me sigh,
A delicate tune.


Oh my angel, it seems,
The world is not,
A place for you to dream.
Only to rot,
To wash up and fade away,
To pull apart.
To break in every way,
And lose heart.
Well I put up a fight,
Raise my fists,
Throw punches all night,
And rarely miss.


Oh my darling, you know,
It's my birthday.
And every time you go,
It's the worst day.
I tried my best to pretend.
Fake a smile.
But the nonsense had to end,
After a while.
Now I have grown tired,
Of my old fears.
And the one person I desired,
Has disappeared.

I'm writing this out in my diary
Which could be better known as your
Personal biography
Since every ******* line
Is about you anyway
My dear
And I'm dipping my pen
Into my veins
Harvesting blood for ink
The same way you ****** the life
Out of my lungs
And called it your own

I'm splattered across these pages
Just like your name
So impermanent, so unnecessary
Well, it's just like I never said,
You always were the best
Waste
Of my time
Always were the worst ******* thing
I put myself through
And you never needed me
The way I needed you to

The binding on this book is unraveling
Even my moleskin
Has had enough of you
I'm trying to rewrite the memories
Ripping out the pages
Just more kindling for the fire
In your throat
Stuff it down and pray to the heavens
For just once
You shut the **** up
And choke

I unfold the dog-eared pages
Wondering why I marked
Them in the first place
A common theme - Hatred
For all those times you
Stuck a ******* needle in your arm
Without realizing
You were poisoning me too
And I'm still wondering
If you ever once
Thought of me
When you shoved the plunger down
Or if I was just another ghost
You didn't want to think about

I snap shut my diary
Not wanting to read any more
Not wanting to relive
What little amount of pain
I've managed to forget
Not wanting to reinfect myself
With the thought of you
I toss the scribbled out book
Into our backyard fire
Burning up everything I ever felt
For you
Vowing to never again fall
For another liar

Sometimes when
I walk home
In the morning
Before the sun
Is even awake
I play with little scenarios
In my head

I think it's something
Everyone does
But this specific morning
I thought of you
And that time in
Your truck
And I realized that
A part of me wished
You had just pulled
The trigger

Not because
Part of me
Is slightly suicidal
Or wants to
Die
Even though it is
Inevitable

Not because
I wanted
The school to
Shut down
And mourn for weeks
Over me

Not because
I've always wanted
To see the look on
Her face
When she threw away
My belongings
And skimmed over the
Words
I ******* hate my
Mother
In my preteen
Diary

Not because
I wondered what
People would
Say about me
And if their words would
Even be true

Not because
Deep down in my
Heart
I wasn't sure
If you
Would even bother
To show up
At my
Funeral

But I wished that
You pulled the trigger
Because then
Hopefully
You would have gone to
Jail
For my ******
And I know that sounds
Like a bad thing
Because I guess it is

But at least
You would have
A roof over your
Head
And three square meals
A day

And maybe that's
A weird way of
Thinking

But you really would be
Better off
Without me

If it was up to me,
I'd stay stuck in the dream,
And rest in your arms,
For all eternity.

You may say,
That makes me depressed,
And I would admit,
That just makes you an optimist.

Oh, my gentleman over the sea
Miles upon miles away from me
I can't count my endless dreams
Patch up my mind, take in the seams
This distance is taking it's toll
Wear and tear on my decomposing soul

Oh, my gentleman over the sea
You've locked my heart and tossed the key

I was pretty young
When I took my first sip
I was well aware of the danger
But that didn't matter much
It's hard to fear death
When you secretly
Pray for it

So I drank a fifth
Of some street corner bottle
I was so ******* cliche
With the paper bag and everything
I guess some would say
It was a cry for help
But I didn't want help
I didn't want
Anything

I didn't want to be a functional
Part of society
I didn't want to help the wealthy
Stay wealthy
And the poor
Stay poor
I didn't want to hinder
The growth of the human experience
I didn't want the media
To consume my soul

I didn't want any of it
Any part of it at all.

They say alcohol is addictive
But I don't think
It really is all that addictive
I think people are
Hooked on the possibility
That something could finally
Erase their past
From their memories
Addicted to the way
The cells might line up
And die off
Side by side until
The pain was obliterated

So, obviously
I drank.
I drank a lot back then
Because for just a minute
Or an hour
Or a night
I could forget everything
That ached in my chest
I could muffle the demons
For just a night…

That's what I was addicted to -
The idea of a fresh start.
I'd drink anything with the side effect
Of erasing the past.

It's not the alcohol.
They're addicted to the promise
Of a new life.
One brain cell at a time.

I've never done
Anything
That you wanted me to do
I never danced
On a Wednesday night
In the middle of the gym
I never laughed
Over math books
During lunch hour

I was too busy
Smoking behind dumpsters
With total strangers
And I was too busy
Acting like a bad ***
And lying to you, Mom
Saying the money was
For a movie I never even saw

I've never done
Anything
That you wanted me to do
I never held a boy's
Hand, just for the sake of
Love
I never smiled
Under the full moon
Just to feel human

I was too busy
Watching him breathe
To make sure he never OD'ed
And I was too busy
Crying as the walls
Melted from the drugs
That you inadvertently
Paid for, Mom

I've never done
Anything
That you wanted me to do
I never felt
An ounce of guilt
For stealing from you
I never
Had the slightest desire
To tell you the truth

I was too busy
Pretending to be
The perfect daughter
And I was too busy
Covering up my life
Trying to keep
The stories straight
As I lied to your face

I've never done
Anything
That you wanted me to do
I never wanted
To become the spitting
Image of you
I never imagined
That's exactly
What I'd do

It's not good enough.

I scrape apart my fragmented words.

You call yourself a writer?

I smear the fresh ink.

This isn't art.

Flames lick my notepad.

Give it up. No one cares.

I'm trying like hell not to cry this time.

Everything you do is a waste.

The smoke smells like death. I can't breathe.

Stop trying to define art.

I collapse. Oxygen cut from my cells.

What? You think this **** is ironic?**

Without creativity, why exist at all?

He draws a drag
Of his Newport
Staring up at me with
Those knives he calls eyes

My stomach twists and
I can taste the
***** in my throat
From the
Disease we call
Love

I study his appearance
Thinking of how beautiful
The folds in his baggy jeans
Really are

My opinion is biased
I'm sure it's hideous
But I've always found a way
To see the beauty in him
No matter how hard he
Tried to hide it

Love

I try to scratch the word
Out of my brain
But it's no use

How happy I would be
If I could just
Live alone
With a million cats
And slowly progress
Into madness


And when he
Leaves
Because his cigarette has
Dwindled down to
The filter

It rips me in half
And my heart bursts
Into flame
Then to ash

Only to be regenerated
When he walks
Back outside
And slices my veins
With his words
It's freezing out here,
You going inside?

I prepare for the worst
Take a few steps
A few deep breaths
And concentrate on the
Pulse from
My internal
Bleeding, broken
Phoenix

I bite my lip and
I can taste the
Iron
In my blood
It's nothing compared
To the
Flame on my
Tongue
Those words that
Combust in my
Lungs

Our memories
Dance in my
Skin
You crawl
Through me
Again
Devils in my
Thoughts
Morality running
Thin

A yawn leads
To a
Collapse
I fall into your
Arms
A twisted
Damsel in
Distress
Try to
Save me
It's not so
Easy

The truth was
I knew everyone I ever met
Was going to leave
Or ruin me
Somehow
One way or another..

I just wanted to find
One person
That was actually
Worth it.

But sometimes
Hearts are black
And promises are empty.

I just needed someone
That would pull me away
When I tried to jump
Off the cliffs in my head.

I just needed someone
That made the bruises sting
A little less
Than before
And someone who
Wouldn't dare give up
On me so easily.

Someone who
Knew why my blood ran thick
And my tears ran cold

Someone who
Didn't cut up my lungs
When I breathed in their name.

Someone new.
Because we both know.
It was never you.

I'm drowning in all the lives I could have lived
Dreaming up the people I could have been
A nagging feeling that this path is wrong
Retracing these prints, where should I have gone?

Those who dwell on the past are stuck in depression
But focusing on the future is also a deadly obsession
There is a balance hidden in the here and now
But I braid Father Time's beard and take a bow

A game well played, designed flawlessly
He laughs as I try to piece together my life messily
Nothing fits, not even the broken memories
I slowly accept I will never be who I'm meant to be

I'm envious of the tigers never having to check the seconds
The sheep never worrying about being late to lessons
Learning something deeper than I ever could
Tell me, am I living the way everyone should?

Enjoying every beat, every tear, every laugh, every sigh
Instead of getting caught up in the labyrinth of my mind
The sun sinks, exposing the darkest of nights
It's time to start over, time to embrace my life.

And what happens
When I finally tell you
That I was too ashamed to admit
That I dreamt up your face
When his lips touched mine
And I auto-tuned his voice
In my head until it was
A duplicate of yours
And that I traced his skin
But somehow my sensory memory
Defied the rules and I
Flashed back to seven years ago
When your arm was around my waist
And what happens
When you're not here
Anymore and my words are too
Late
And I end up engaged,
or God, married
To this man because
I keep pretending he's you

And I keep telling him
That he has my whole heart
But I think we both know
The truth
That it's always belonged to you
And that,
To be honest,
I don't ever want it back

Because in seven years time,
I've realized that it is so much easier
To sleep at night
To breathe in winter
To sigh in his arms
When I can't feel a ****** thing at all
And maybe I'm lying to him
And maybe that's ****** up…

But we're all damaged.
We're all damaged.

*Lord knows you made sure of that.

I met her in December
Which at the time
Felt so typical
She was always so upset
Over nothing at all
And I just wanted to heal her soul
With my bleeding hands

She hurt to touch
Scars littered her wrists
Her thighs
Her heart.

She hurt to see
Even when she smiled
I could still sense
A deep melancholy  
Within her

If I could imagine up a way
To personify
Depression
My character
Wouldn't have been half
As tragic
As Emily Mae

And I stared at her
Staring into the mirror
Pinching her sides
Pretending that the
Elasticity of her skin
Somehow represented ugliness

Stop that you're stunning
I would whisper to her
Do you think so?

Do you want to know what I think?
I became stern
I think that it is so horrifying
To live in a society
Where if we see bones
On our pets
We automatically
Think they are being abused
Or starving to death
But if we see bones
On ourselves
We consider it

*Beauty.

I hold you close in my chest
Along with the others
The ghosts of my past
I assign you a chamber
That empty hollow room
One of the many
Locked away in veins,
Sealed up in blood
And all of those I miss you's
You sputtered
As I slammed you shut against my skull
Are now replaying themselves
Rattling inside my mind

I think, my dear,
That the next world war
Will most definitely start
With the spark you left inside my heart
But you are simply a memory now
Taunting me with the horrors of yesterday
Sticking your tongue out
And tracing it along my clavicle
Don't you see dear?
I'm referencing all of our favorite songs
Not that they'll ever understand,
But you can bet your shortened dollar
It's still replaying in my mind
And I'm holding your invisible hand
Wishing for just once more
That you were still next to me
In flesh and bone
Not just wind and dust

I carry you with me every day
But it's simply not enough
So I sip, smoke, inject
Praying for the same fate
That met your lips
The day you deflated in my arms
We will be together yet,
I can promise you that
I **** away all my pennies
Praying for fate to unscramble these words
And snap me right back next to you
Where I've belonged
All along

We met in the laundry room
No, no
Not a love interest
Or an awkward stranger
No, not this time

A little girl
Alone
Maybe seven years of age
With big bright blue eyes
That staked my heart
Long thin blond hair
And a halo floating
Just above her head

Are you lost?
I asked
Curious
Concerned

She gazed to the West
And thought for a bit
Taking her time
And she split my soul
With the words
**Isn't everyone?

There I sat
Broken hearted, dripping eyes, in the streets of Chicago
There I sat
My arms entwined in your bitter memories

There I sat
With promises thinner than the wind
And whispers much more delicate
Than your mother's china

There I sat
Cuffs left unbuttoned
Sleeves half dangling
There I sat
Pebbles digging into my thighs
Leaving little red marks
That would fade in time.

There I sat
With the sun setting just as it always did
With the birds chirping recklessly
A sickening scene

There I sat
Salt stained shoulders
Your nose buried into my pulse

There I sat
Whiskey eyed,
Pretending I could resurrect our lives.

And whether you care to remember or not,
There I sat,
With your torturous silence

There I sat,
Knowing full well,
We had both died long ago.

The pieces cut up my hands
The years shattered in seconds
And there I sat
Wishing I simply had the courage
To just walk away.

You know that old saying
When someone abandons you?
"It's their loss..."

Well, I never knew
How true that was...

I would have loved you
Until the end of time
I would have kissed your scars
I would have iced your bruises
I would have stitched your slices
On your body
And your soul

I would have held you
Until the sun came up
And the light made your
Heart warm again

I would have grown
Every ingredient in your dinner
In our backyard
Harvested the carrots
For our soup

I would have chopped wood
And bought your mother flowers
I would have done our taxes

I would have stayed up
And waited for you to come home
When the office made you stay late
I would have greeted you at the door
With a kiss and smile
And a hot cup of cocoa

I would have sewn the holes
In your jeans

I would have held your hand
At all those funerals
For the ones you barely knew

I would have been your
Plus one
For eternity

And those are the saddest
Words I'll ever know
Because we both
Know it's the truth.

I really would have
Loved you best.

And still you left.

I'm trying so hard to ignore the fact that I sleep
On the floor
Like a neglected dog

Trying to ignore that the heat's been broken
For two years now, in an apartment
I've never been able
To call home

I just want to completely forget how easily
My nails break when my hands grow
Tired of work
Because lord knows I never drank enough milk
And my bones are thinner than paper now
And I've never once brushed my teeth
Three times a day
Let's be honest, I don't even know what the ****
Floss is supposed to do

I'm trying to ignore the fact
That I consider myself lucky when I find a shirt
Of mine
Without holes or stains or burns
From the nights you left me bleeding
On fire
In the darkness of your shadows

Please, erase from my memory
That today is the anniversary
Of his death
And ours

I'm trying so very desperately to ignore
How my schooling has gone to ****
And we both know I'm lying when I say
I want to go back
Because I've never wanted to go back
To that hell
I've never wanted society to mold me
To tell me who the **** I should be
Well who the **** are you
Anyway?
And who is this "they"
That they always talk about?
And why do they decide
Who I get to be?

And to be quite honest, dead honest,
What I'm trying to ignore most
Is that I'm three months sober
Today
Every second drags on
Reality is a ******* joke
I said it,
Yeah.
I went there.
I'd rather be a ****** like you
Than a bore like them

But, really, I just want to forget
Everything that's made me who I am
Because I don't like
Who I've turned into
But I don't like
Who I was back then
Either

What I really want
Is to just start over
And hopefully,
Never be this overwhelmed
And never
Want to forget so much
About who I am

Ignorance is ******* bliss,
It really is.

Sometimes I sit and I wonder
What falling in love feels like
The slow process of
Flirtation and adoration
Cute notes to even cuter girls
Phone numbers
Written in ball point pen
In hands trying so hard
Not to sweat
The stuttering that occurs
Every time your heart
Beats too fast
The first time a butterfly
***** it's wing
Inside your stomach
And your cheeks flush red
And at first
You really can't tell
If your falling in love
Or dying
Because they feel so
**** similar
At first
You're not too sure
Why your icy veins melt
When she says your name
At first
Your hands are always
Clammy and your skin
Turns raw
At the very
Idea of her


I've never
Felt that way
About anyone.
It is so strange
How people fall
So slow.
When I meet someone
I either instantly
Want them gone
Or
I become
Utterly, irrationally, obsessed with their
Entire being
I want to know
Every inch of them
All at once
I ask question upon question
Gnawing at their minds
Until they grow
Completely sick
Of me.

Oh how lovely,
It must be,
To fall in love slowly.
A virtue I will never
Know.

We live on the same street

Sometimes when I lay down
At night
Snuggle with my pillow
In the frozen air
I hear a car **** by
And I wonder if it's you
I always
Always
Wonder if it's you

And the strange thing is
Inevitably
Sooner or later
I'll be right

And I'll be thinking of you
Driving past my house
Thinking of me
And all the mistakes we made
My hands are just as filthy
As yours

And you'll be wondering
if I'm home.
And you know what?
Maybe just once
You'll be right.

And for just a moment
We'll be thinking of each other again
Sharing a second in the dark
For a moment
We'll be nostalgically alone

These nights  are so bitter now
It's so hard to sleep
With you living down my street.

My thumbs twiddle under the cracks in the sky
Prussian blue and a remarkable cool gray
Littered with hints of light dancing together
I let out a sigh, unable to take in the beauty above me

My veins shatter like a Halloween pumpkin
Prematurely smashed before the holiday
Smoke twists and lingers around my left wrist
I take in a drag, half wishing the cancer would kick in

My eyes close from the chill of Fall rushing by
Seeping through my rock solid skin
Leaves rustle and wedge between my squirming toes
I blankly stare, wondering if I will ever find my true home.

Expand your mind
With drugs, with knowledge
Learn more about the world
Than you ever dreamed you could
Learn five languages
Travel everywhere
See it all, every crevice of the universe
Be humble
Discover all
Approach each day
Through the eyes of a newborn
Understand that beauty
Is subjective
Understand that life
Is about connections
Understand that evil
Is a human creation
This is so important
Chase enlightenment,
Not Benjamins.
Chase the stars.
Be the best
At everything.
Be the person you so openly envy.
Be humble, my child.
And if nothing else,
Love everyone.
The most important lesson of all
Love everyone.
Love them unconditionally.
Forgive them.
All of them.

Life is about connections,
My child.

I'm drained in every way possible
I can't turn to the pen
     Can't turn to the bottle
            Can't turn to my friends

Who will listen
When I have nothing
                                      To say?

There is the same constant
T o r n a d o
Swirling in my mind
R i p p i n g  
Raging chaos
B r e a k i n g  
It's way through what
L i t t l e
Sanity is left

My eyes are   burned
Bright red   blisters
Squeezing   shut
Tired of life, tired of   blinking
Tired of seeing the  world

I'm exhausted
Every cell          aches
Every breath              crumples
Every word                                 snaps

I'm not making sense
Anymore
Not that I ever did,
But still
Things are different
Lately

Every since I babysat that
Little girl
Who   held   my   hand
At her bedside
As I made up a story
About the princess
Who waited
            And waited
                    And waited
To be   s a v e d

And it wrecked me
When she asked me to
Stay with her
Because she was
                                          Afraid
Of the dark and
                                          Afraid
Of sleeping alone and
                                          Afraid
Of the monsters in her mind

It destroyed me because
        I could relate so well
               So I stayed to protect her
For just a night

I stayed even though
        She wasn't mine
                 And it broke my heart
That she wasn't mine

Because I don't think
                                     Anyone
Will ever love me
                                     Enough
To father my child

So I will never be a
M.o.t.h.e.r.

No matter how much I
                                         Long
To be one
No matter how many
                                         Tears
Drop at the thought

It suddenly c l i c k e d
In the darkness
Alone
With the monsters
That I may never actually
Give another
The gift of  
                   Life

And now my thoughts are
Murky water
And my skin is
Smothered a s h
And my heart is
A deep black hole


It breaks me

I will  n e v e r  have a little girl
W r a p  her miniature hand
Around my        f i n g e r
And  w h i s p e r  delicately
I love you,
                     Mommy.

Never.
            Never.
                        Never.

My mind was once entangled
In a twisted romance
Stuck in the complex webs of
L o v e

It was almost as though a
Lightening bolt had struck
My ever changing
S o u l

My eyes shifted upwards
When he walked through me
Using dialogue that could
K i l l

"I know that we've never met
But I have to tell you
Your fantastic eyes practically
B e a m"

Flattered and confused
My brain and heart lost connection
Unable to tell how hard I would
F a l l

I sank immediately into his skin
Becoming obsessed with his being
And I didn't even know his
N a m e

And suddenly it occurred to me
That falling in love with a stranger
Was nothing more than loving an
I d e a

So I let the only man
That ever captured my full attention
Turn around and walk
A w a y

This world is ripping me to
Shreds
Someone has amputated my
Heart
With blood soaked hands
Gasping
I can't do this
Screaming
Get away from me
Pleading
Just leave me alone
Broken
Lock the doors, close the windows
Monster
I just want to live
Greed
Sick of the *******
Desperate
Get out of my head
Impossible
Negativity consumes my being
Relentless
There is no way
Out
Is there?

"The only thing
I remember clearly
Is taking a
Shot
With you
In the kitchen.
Everything after that
Is a total and complete
Blur.."

I mumbled the morning
After
Our night together
Alone
In your basement

Truth be told
I remembered it all then
And still remember it
Now
Years later

I sat on the edge of your bed
Peering into your eyes
As you held your old acoustic
And hummed melodies
To me
In a way you never had
Before

You breezed past all of our
Favorite tunes
Sometimes even daring
To sing a few words
Along the way
"Well maybe I,
Just set aside,
The fact that you were,
Broken hearted..."

And at the time
I thought you were
Amazing
But I think it was just
The *****
Thinking for me
Again

And when I laid down
Because the spins had
Finally
Kicked in
You put your guitar
Down
And asked why I had
Shut my eyes
So early


The night was still
Young
And I was still
Drunk
And the ceiling still
Spun


I tried to stay awake
And talk to you
About whatever you were
Ranting about
You said it was important
But it was so hard to
Focus

My ears eventually
Tuned into your
Signal
And before I realized it
You were approaching me
About things that
I really didn't
Want to talk about

You went on
And on
About "us"
And what we meant to
Each other
And how we were clearly
Still
Attracted to
One another

And maybe even
Still
In love


You spoke so seriously
On our relationship
As a whole
Friends or otherwise

And all that I could do
In my state of
Mind
Was giggle

And before I knew it
Your hands were touching
Parts of me that
I wasn't exactly
Comfortable with

And I wasn't sure if
I was allowed to feel
Violated
Or not

But I started screaming
At the top of my lungs
And I
Rejected you
Over and over again
And you stopped

Thank God
You stopped


The worst part
Was the look on your face
When you realized
We would never really be
Together again

The worst part
Was the way you gazed down
When I realized
I just completely broke you
In half


The worst part
Was the way you stayed
With me
That night even though
I shouted "No!"
Twenty-seven times.

You sat at the edge of the bed
Staring at me
As I pretended to sleep
And ignore
What had just occurred
Minutes before



"When will we ever
Figure this out?"
You finally asked

My eyes snapped open
And I whispered to the
Ocean depths of your
Deep blue walls

"Maybe
Never..."

I think life is really quite simple
If you think about it the way
I do.

Well, how you do you think about it?

What if we are the birds.

What do you mean?

I mean I've spent my whole life
Envious of birds and their
Ability to fly.

So?

So often I wonder how lovely it would be
To own the sky.

Yeah, I suppose
That'd be nice.

You'd think so right?
But maybe they've spent their whole lives
Thinking 'man I wish I could drive those cars
Or watch those movies
Or go to school.'

You think birds care about
Things like that?

No, I don't think they do,

That's why we should live
Like we're the birds.

And when you two
Entered my room
All I could think about
Were her cherry lips
Wrapped around your ****
Her crimson hair
Tickling your chest
All I could think about
Was your hand
Enveloped in hers
Your words
Circling in her head
All of those promises
You whispered to her
In the serenity of 4AM
That you were recycling
From my tongue.

Does she know?
Does she ask you what I once
Meant to you?
Have you ever dared
To mention my name?
Or has she just merely
Encountered a stranger?
Am I nothing now?
Does she know how
You turned her into a criminal?

Stealing all of your intimate moments
Away from me.
Cat like thief.
And I'll claw her ******* eyes out.

When I was younger I used to think that all the cars on the highway were racing each other. I used to yell at my mom because we were driving so slow. I never wanted to lose. She usually shrugged off my request or simply ignored it entirely. Then I began to imagine that the highway wrapped completely around the world, and we could drive to China if we really wanted to. No one ever told me otherwise because I rarely shared my ideas with anyone. That was the thing about being a kid, I just totally gave up on asking adults questions because their answers were always lies they told just to get me to stop asking more questions. I think that's *******. I was so curious about this life that was forced upon me. I was so curious about everything. And no one ever took the time to correctly explain to me how our lake got it's name or where butterflies go when they die. No one ever told me how Santa could get into our apartment if we didn't have a chimney and no one dare mentioned why I absolutely had to drink a full glass of milk every night with dinner.

I used to be so conceited that I thought the moon would chase me around the earth when I was catching fire flies in jars. And no one told me that fire flies need air holes and some type of food source. No one told me jarring up nature is probably a bad idea. No one told me I was stealing the souls of innocent creatures.

And then one day, somehow, I blinked and all of my curiosity disappeared. Suddenly I knew that thunder didn't mean the sky was ripping open and lightening wasn't pure magic. One day the school ripped away all of my creativity and I was forced to think inside of this boring box. One day I was fed all of the truths I never really wanted to know. One day I was reprogrammed into accepting a life of poverty in a cubicle. One day all my dreams became replaced by rants about a corrupt government. One day I realized the moon wasn't following me and the stars never belonged in my palms.

One day I was told that my life would amount to nothing and all would be forgotten and our existence is completely unjustified. One day I learned that everything I've ever loved or hated will be crushed into oblivion, and if I have a soul no one has any idea where it will go when my body turns into worm food.

And one day all of my questions were stashed away in a box and I just stopped caring about everything.

And then I met you. And your eyes had all the stars I ever wanted. And they were mine. And suddenly everything made sense and the world became beautiful, even when it wasn't. And then your hand held mine and all that mattered to me was your happiness and how wide I could spread your smile. One day you said my name and my ears never bothered to listen to music again. One day I realized that our love was the personification of beauty and no one could ever take that away from us. And one day I realized that everything temporary is much more permanent than it seems and even if our children's children's children forget our names, the stars never will.