I'm gonna start this day out right
I'm gonna fall in love
Fall in love with my life
And you can't stop me, no
You can't stop a heart from breaking
All the truth that you were shaking
And just how many lies
Does it take
For you to realize
I was never yours
In the first place

So stop pretending
Deflate that ego, boy
Our friendship is pending
Our whole lives are pending

But I'm gonna start this day out right
Because I'm fine, I'm just fine
And I'm gonna fall in love
Fall in love with my life

And you can't stop me, no
You can't stop my heart from beating
Can't stop my eyes from bleeding
And I can promise you this
I've never been better
I've never felt so fine
It really is for the better
I'm glad that you're not mine

Read it through again and tell me
*Do you still think I don't know how to lie?

They don't tell you that even sunlight
Can burn
After a while

They don't tell you that money
Isn't worth
The salt in your skin

They don't tell you
That words can ****
And looks can heal

They don't tell you that monsters
Are real
But so is magic

They don't tell you
Anything worth knowing

They don't tell you what to do
When your whole world
Comes crashing down
Torn apart at the seams
With no needle
No thread

They don't tell you
How to patch up your life

They don't tell you
That innocence can be stolen
And hearts can be purchased

They don't tell you
That the universe is just a phase.

They don't tell you that the moonlight
Is the only medicine
Worth taking.




                                                     ­                They don't.
                                                          ­           They don't tell you any of this.

                                                          ­           Because they don't know.

                                                          ­           No one told them,
                                                           ­                                                 Either.

You are a ******
For happiness

You don't believe me
Do you?

You think, nah,
I'm clean.
Sober, even.

Well, you're wrong.

When you were young,
You got a taste of it.
                                                          Happiness.
And it was pure.
It was innocent.
And it was the best
You've ever ******* felt
In your whole entire life.

It came in many forms.

Sledding with your older brother,
In the mountains of magic
Glittering snow
That you would only grow
To hate
Over the years
The back breaking, black ice
*******
You had to salt and shovel
Weeks on end
Enough to wage a war
With nature

But then, back then,
You were happy with snow.
Maybe even
In love with it.

You got a taste.


Your favorite ice cream bar
Every lick.
Insatiable. Delicious.
The perfect ending
To a gorgeous summer afternoon.
Of course,
As the months peeled away
You'd learn that
Ice cream makes you fat
And sugar is a disease
Before you know any better
You're counting calories
And carbs
And pounds
And inches
And everything becomes
A ******* number
Suddenly you focus so much
On your body
That you lose your soul

But then, back then,
It simply didn't matter.
You were only a kid.
With a sweet tooth.

You got a taste.


Your mother's arms
Warm, welcoming
You could tell her any secret
And she would fight off
Every demon
Chase the closet monsters away
And craft a dream catcher
For all those nightmares
Then the days crack apart
Your calendar flips over the decades
And the woman with the title
Mother
Is nothing more than a stranger
You can't even remember her age
Anymore
Torn apart by trivial fights
Over mall money
And curfews
Mother?
What mother?
You have no mother,
Only a **** with shared DNA.

But then, back then,
It was blissful
Her kisses were the only medicine
You needed

You got a taste.


And now,
You spend your whole life
Searching for the
Glitter in the snow
And the heaven
In the ice cream
And the warmth
In your mother's arms

But
Everything is dull now
But
It's all bad for you
But
Her arms are six feet under

Happiness.
You are a ******
You are addicted

And you will never get your fix

Because all you ever got
Was a taste

Just enough to keep you searching
                                                                   But never satisfied.

                                                     ­                                                       *  You got a taste.

You are far too young for me
So they say

But still, I admire from afar
And perhaps they don't understand
How the age of your mind
Is far beyond
Your years on this planet

They don't understand
How you're the only man
                                                             ­    (Or should I say boy?
                                                            ­      I think of you as a man...
                                                          ­        Maybe that is wrong

                                                          ­        Well, I'm usually wrong
                                                           ­       About these things

                                                         ­         So why change now?)

Anyway

You're the only man
I've been able to trust
Since he stashed me away
On his dusty shelf
With a cracked spine
And frayed ends

On the darkest nights,
When sleep cannot be found
For miles on end
I dream of your lips
Pressed into mine
Wildly
Forbidden
As I dig my cougar claws
Down your shoulder blades

I shake out my fantasy
Try my best to behave
Appropriately
Knowing that I will spend
The next few years
Waiting patiently

While you fall in love
With some fragile girl
That won the birthday lottery
For she gets to hold your hand
Without the judgmental looks
From disgruntled parents

And she doesn't even exist yet,
                                                            ­      (To you anyway)
But she will one day
And I will be ravenous with jealousy
Of her mocha skin
And her savage eyes
And her luminous smile

And then the time will pass
As it always does
Before I know what to make of it,
An inevitable invitation
To your wedding with the tigress
Will plop into my dead hands

And as you stand at the alter
Opposite of an angel
You will shoot me a glance
So abrupt,
I almost won't catch it.

But it will be there
Of course
And my eyes will meet with yours
Sincerely
With regret

And even though my bones
Will ache with desire
To object
I will abide by social standards
And stay seated
And stew for all eternity
Wondering what could have been
If only…

The two most powerful words
I will even know
If only...

Because you are far too young for me
So they say..

How did I get this way?
I wonder
With my footprints scattered
Across the sea

And suddenly I hate this world
For hating me

Such a strong word,
Hate
And I wonder

Does saying a strong word
A thousand times over
Make it any weaker?

Can I disarm a language?
Dissect the letters with my tongue?

How did I get this way?
I wonder
With weights on my lungs
And smoke in my flesh

The world is rotting away
Can't they see it?
Can't they?

I've got handprints on the stars
Cut up like thanksgiving turkeys

I'm not asking you to understand
I'm not asking you to listen at all
I'm just asking you
To open your eyes.

Question everything, please.
Even this statement.

Even me.
Even you.

We are floating along
In the middle of infinite time and space
And you want me
To justify my existence
Just like that?

Just like that?

What if I can't?
What then?

What now?


Truth be told,
Most days I feel like all that I'm really doing
Is just waiting to die.

There I sat
Broken hearted, dripping eyes, in the streets of Chicago
There I sat
My arms entwined in your bitter memories

There I sat
With promises thinner than the wind
And whispers much more delicate
Than your mother's china

There I sat
Cuffs left unbuttoned
Sleeves half dangling
There I sat
Pebbles digging into my thighs
Leaving little red marks
That would fade in time.

There I sat
With the sun setting just as it always did
With the birds chirping recklessly
A sickening scene

There I sat
Salt stained shoulders
Your nose buried into my pulse

There I sat
Whiskey eyed,
Pretending I could resurrect our lives.

And whether you care to remember or not,
There I sat,
With your torturous silence

There I sat,
Knowing full well,
We had both died long ago.

The pieces cut up my hands
The years shattered in seconds
And there I sat
Wishing I simply had the courage
To just walk away.

I often sit back and wonder
How the world got this way
Who decided to corrupt it?
Who invented war?
Why we are programmed to hate?
To ****?

Why do we let our demons have full reign?
And why does no one stop it?

Imagine a world of peace.
Can you?
Because I can't.
Not anymore.
Not like this.

It's passed the point of no return.
And everyone is aware.
And no one is stopping it.

I just want to stop it.
Stop it cold.

Why **** when you can create?
Why hate what you can hold dear?

I love every dead citizen,
Of all the countries,
I'm too terrified to visit.

But even more,
I love the man pulling the trigger,
Who has to live with the guilt,
For the rest of his life.
Fighting a war he doesn't believe in,
For a country,
That won't ever love him back.

Now tell me,
Was your military discount,
Worth the blood of thousands?
Was it?

How do you sleep at night?
Tell me.
Because I barely get a wink,
Knowing these people exist.

How did the world get this way?
We're just all products of fear.
A school is just a factory.
There is no education anymore.
And I'm tired of living this lie.

Pull the wool back over my eyes.
I'd rather sleep
With the rest of a thousand sheep.

And turn my head to the slaughter.
Turn my head to the corrupt.

I'd rather carry on.
Not doing a **** thing to stop it.

So tell me, now.
Who is really pulling the trigger.
You or me?

*You or me?

Bad morning darling, my eyes cynically beam
Staining my rotten teeth and my swirling dreams
The best ******* part of waking up
Is this twisted sickness in my gut
Nausea freshly brewed
Minty gums partially chewed

Bleeding raw, half crimson, half cream
Another cup spilled at the ****** scene
Caution tape draped around my tongue
Shooting up caffeine like a ****** with a gun
The sweet snow crystals dangle on my buds
The rings on our table blur and smudge

An heirloom ruined, a life destroyed
Another addiction to soak up the void
Dipping memories into steaming drops
Steeping leaves and beans into knots
I drain my mug, knowing the bitter truth
Coffee will never leave me the way I left you.

I'm drowning in all the lives I could have lived
Dreaming up the people I could have been
A nagging feeling that this path is wrong
Retracing these prints, where should I have gone?

Those who dwell on the past are stuck in depression
But focusing on the future is also a deadly obsession
There is a balance hidden in the here and now
But I braid Father Time's beard and take a bow

A game well played, designed flawlessly
He laughs as I try to piece together my life messily
Nothing fits, not even the broken memories
I slowly accept I will never be who I'm meant to be

I'm envious of the tigers never having to check the seconds
The sheep never worrying about being late to lessons
Learning something deeper than I ever could
Tell me, am I living the way everyone should?

Enjoying every beat, every tear, every laugh, every sigh
Instead of getting caught up in the labyrinth of my mind
The sun sinks, exposing the darkest of nights
It's time to start over, time to embrace my life.

I know that now it's far too late
For you to take me seriously
I'm sixteen glasses deep
Of that wine you recommended
That night you thought I wasn't
Even paying attention
I did that a lot you know,
Kept quiet in the serenity of your presence
I was always afraid
My words would cause you to
Vanish
Again

Anyway,
I never had the courage to say it,
I would just get so caught up in my head
But the words flow now
So effortlessly
I want you to know
It's true what they say
Ain't no rest
For the wicked


White Zinfandel,

I still have the headache.

I lay my head down
On the pillows of our past
Your indentation hasn't yet shifted
And I can still smell your essence
A twisted mix of shampoo and cheap cigarettes

Inhale.

It's almost like you're still with me
Blackened vision
The ghost of your arm wraps around me
Tighter than you ever had


Let me go.
You let me go.

Exhale.

The months fade like carbon paper etchings
Over time, I can't tell what you used to say
But I swear your voice
Still echoes down the hall
This isn't normal
And I'm proud now
That's half the problem

Inhale.


You breathe in daisies now.
Like I don't know how she smells.
Coconut and sunshine
Run off with your summer dream
While I'm stomping through
Snow angels
Hot boxing igloos, the way we used to
And you pretend to forget
Those nights we died between the stars

Exhale.

Pulse racing.


Suddenly I expose myself
Rip down the walls
Allow the hurt to spew into my vulnerability
Only a fool would miss you
This much

Well, color me brainless
As I breathe you in once more


Darling, I've been abandoned
For the thousandth time
And you'd think by now
I'd keep away

But that's the thing about
Fools in love,


We never learn.
We always think the ones we adore
Are worth the hurt.

They're not,
They're not.

But still,
I'll be waiting at your back door.
Knocking twice with a kick.
Our signal from 1997.

The street lights will gleam in our eyes.
As we try for the last time.

Exhale.


Just stay.

We might as well be crying in the street
With all this blood on our knees
And you begged me for just one more
Secret to keep

We might as well be drowning in the ocean
With a heart severed out in the open
And you asked me for promises
Whispers unspoken

We might as well be angels in the sky
With the stars at our feet, twinkles in eyes
And you pushed me up to the moon
Kisses goodbye

We might as well be dogs in the dust
With the wind kicking us up in every gust
And you tripped me right into hell
The devil's sick lust

We are the mistakes of her past
With scars pierced straight through our backs
And she was the last beautiful soul
I ever had

Tonight is so stunning
That I can't bring myself to sleep
I simply cannot miss the
Complexities of the constellations
I cannot pass up the opportunity
To connect the swirling ***** of gas
Billions, trillions, zillions of miles away

And I feel that way everyone does
When they truly take the time
To stare up instead of down
I feel… minuscule.

Just a ******* Earth.
So small
A speck of dust in the tapestry of space and time
I embrace this moment
I hold it deep in my chest

Praying that prior to all 21 grams of me
Disappearing into the vast nothingness
That I remember this
This night, this exact second
I hope, wish, dream that this is what I'll hang on to.

This is what will get me through.
This is what will save my soul.
This. This night is everything I am.

But I know that isn't true.
I know that when I float up into…
Wherever…
That the only thing, the last thing
On my mind

Will be you.
And for that, I apologize
To the sky.

I see your picture
Pop up on my dash
Oh, I guess we're still friends
At least in Cyberspace
We are…

Anyway, I see your stupid
******* picture
Unkempt beard
Slimy trout in one hand
Beer in the other

And it makes me absolutely sick
Bile swirls around in my stomach
Like blood down the drain
Of those Hitchcock films we'd watch
'Til dawn
At the foot of your bed
Wrapped in a deep sea of sheets

You're wearing that necklace
I bought you in Maui
Little rocks strung together
Black and white
I was half way across the globe
And you were still the only thing
On my ****** up mind

I wonder if you think of me
Every ******* time you take it off
To shower
I wonder if those ****** you ****
Twist the stones around
And inquire their origin


And, most of all,
I wonder what you tell them.



I walk down your street
Because I still have the same friends
As you
And we all grew up together
In this black hole we've been taught to call
Our hometown
We rode the same bus,
Smoked the same pipes,
Blew the same lines,
I guess, in a way, we were family.

Anyway, I walk down your stupid
****** up street
And I saunter past your aluminum framed
*******
That you still bother to call
Your car

And the only thing that runs through my mind
Are all those nights we spent together
In your driveway
Talking about absolutely nothing
Meaningless *******
And at the time, it all seemed so ridiculously
Pointless
But now…

Those memories are what I cherish
More than anything.

Your car is rotting away
No brakes, no engine
The windows don't even shut
And it takes every ounce of willpower
I have left
Not to key the **** out of your Jetta
Inscribe it with your true title
*******

I wonder if you'd know it was me
I wonder what people would ask you


And, most of all,
I wonder what you'd tell them.




I gaze out my window
For the billionth time
Sighing at your silhouette
In my decaying yard

Roses in hand, you patiently wait
For the only girl you've ever broken
To come downstairs
You scream out my name
Throw rocks at my window
Like we're
Sixteen again

I don't recall
How many steps I raced down
I don't recall
If I bothered to lock the door behind me
I don't recall
Much of anything

*******
Is all I can say
*******
Is all I can think
*******
Runs through my blood
My brain
My heart
*******
*******
*******.

And before I know it
My fists are at your throat
My nails are at your skin
My knuckles are at your jaw
I thrash
Eyes shut
Nothing but eternal darkness
And violence

I'm screaming
I can't stop
You're on the ground
Thorns at your side
Tears in your ducts

*******

I kick your skeleton
Smothered in skin

******* for shooting up
******* for destroying me
*******

I study the needle
And the damage done
Your gushing blood
Starlit crimson

For the first time,
I see your wounds

I wonder how it feels
For you to be the victim
I wonder what your ******
Your sister
Your mother
Will say

And, most of all,
I wonder what you'll tell them.

I skipped home in the sunshine
A deep, dark cloud rested ahead
Taunting me,
Waiting for the opportune moment
Of course, in front of your house
The very house where we..

We used to watch bad horror flicks
Used to cuddle close on the couch
Used to bake cakes together
Used to sing the wrong lyrics
With the wrong chords
Used to get high
Used to **** everything up
Used to live
In

Yeah, that house
Your house.
That's when the sky unleashed
All of it's fury
Raindrops the size of bullets
Piercing through my skin

I had no shelter
No umbrella
No hood
No coat
No poncho
Just a girl and her nostalgia
Walking down Pine street
For the millionth time

So I did what I do best
I embraced it
Took off my shoes
Let the rain consume me
Stuck out my tongue
And drank the rivers
From heaven

And I swear I heard you laughing
Inside
All warm and dry
I guess you felt bad for me

But,
You shouldn't have
Not at all
Because I was the one
That had the strength
To walk alone
In the rain
In the first place
While you played it safe

The difference between
You and me
Is very simple dear
I embrace the world,
You fight it.

So keep on laughing
And I'll keep on dancing
And maybe one day
We'll find a way
To rid ourselves
Of each other.

I sit and stare at your pictures
And the more I study them
The more I realize
How much they look nothing like you
At all
In my mind, you are…
Stunning
Courageous, wonderful
In my mind, you are everything
But in these photos,
The ones that have permanently
Adhered to my fingertips
You look so
Broken,
Fragile
As though I could rip you in half.

*So I did.

I hold you close in my chest
Along with the others
The ghosts of my past
I assign you a chamber
That empty hollow room
One of the many
Locked away in veins,
Sealed up in blood
And all of those I miss you's
You sputtered
As I slammed you shut against my skull
Are now replaying themselves
Rattling inside my mind

I think, my dear,
That the next world war
Will most definitely start
With the spark you left inside my heart
But you are simply a memory now
Taunting me with the horrors of yesterday
Sticking your tongue out
And tracing it along my clavicle
Don't you see dear?
I'm referencing all of our favorite songs
Not that they'll ever understand,
But you can bet your shortened dollar
It's still replaying in my mind
And I'm holding your invisible hand
Wishing for just once more
That you were still next to me
In flesh and bone
Not just wind and dust

I carry you with me every day
But it's simply not enough
So I sip, smoke, inject
Praying for the same fate
That met your lips
The day you deflated in my arms
We will be together yet,
I can promise you that
I **** away all my pennies
Praying for fate to unscramble these words
And snap me right back next to you
Where I've belonged
All along

I remember the dawns we would count
Like we were the only kids awake
In this whole ******* town

I remember the dirt in your eyes
The way you'd swear I was the only one
That ever made you cry

I remember her cut up sleeve
Her bleeding wrist, as I turned away
Weeks before, vowing to never leave

I remember the skin on your hands
Every crevice, every wound
Rougher than that of most mans

I remember the dimmest stars
As we laid in the parking lot
And you promised they were ours

I remember the pills you flushed
As you whispered in my ear
I only take them if I must

I remember her rule breaking skirts
The way you'd confide in me and say
She's pretty enough to take away the hurt

I remember smoking to dull the pain
And trying to escape myself
As the thoughts of you invaded my brain

I remember growing up together
And how you held my hand that morning
Assuring me it would last forever

I remember the days ticking by
Patiently waiting for you to show up
And finally admit you were mine

I remember you testing to see
If she would love you more
So you could just go on and forget me

I remember… every day
The nights I wish I could forget
The ****** up things you'd say

I remember moving on to another
The hypocritical jealousy in your eyes
Just let me be happy for once, you *******

This one is for the mothers
For the sisters of yesterdays husbands
For the girls I'll never know

This one is for the stranger
In the grocery store
Slamming down the apples
Hoping they bruise as much
As he bruised her
Because we're all just
Rotten produce in the long run
Anyway

This one is for the CEO of Corporate America
That cheats at the office
And at life
That skips the basketball games
Of sons that weren't really his
In the first place
To work extra hours
Triple over time
Which is really just code for
Bonking the receptionist
On the table in the lobby area
And she'll think slyly
While he pulls her hair
Enjoy the ******,
*******

This one is for those sad eyes
I pass every day
Holding out a tin can
Jingling to the beat
Of copper plated plastic
Or whatever the ****
Our money is made from,
These days
Screaming for change
And I always saunter by
With a pocket full of pennies
Thinking
I wish I could give him
The kind of change
He really needs

This one is for the alcoholic
Better known as my brother
This is for the man that still tries
To drink away his heartache
With a case of Natty Ice
For the man who can't
Hang on to a dollar
More than a minute
Because he can't take the money
With him to heaven
Or to hell, probably hell,
And tomorrow was never really
Promised to us,
Was it?

This one is for the woman
Who spent thirty years
Behind a register
Pretending it wasn't really
All that her life
Had to offer
This is for the woman
With the thinnest skin
I've ever seen
The woman who let the world
Break her
On a daily basis
This one is for
My mother

This one is for that ****** up girl
Who is beginning to think
That love and hate
Are the same emotion
With different masks
For the girl who always wanted
A drug addiction
To blame her problems on
For the girl who never gave up
On anyone
But herself
This one, this is for the girl
That writes to no one
This is for the girl with no goals
No ambition
No dreams
This one is for the girl
With a broken heart
And a broken smile
Wondering what she did
To deserve this life

This one, this poem
Is the only one
I've ever written
For me

I'm writing this out in my diary
Which could be better known as your
Personal biography
Since every ******* line
Is about you anyway
My dear
And I'm dipping my pen
Into my veins
Harvesting blood for ink
The same way you ****** the life
Out of my lungs
And called it your own

I'm splattered across these pages
Just like your name
So impermanent, so unnecessary
Well, it's just like I never said,
You always were the best
Waste
Of my time
Always were the worst ******* thing
I put myself through
And you never needed me
The way I needed you to

The binding on this book is unraveling
Even my moleskin
Has had enough of you
I'm trying to rewrite the memories
Ripping out the pages
Just more kindling for the fire
In your throat
Stuff it down and pray to the heavens
For just once
You shut the **** up
And choke

I unfold the dog-eared pages
Wondering why I marked
Them in the first place
A common theme - Hatred
For all those times you
Stuck a ******* needle in your arm
Without realizing
You were poisoning me too
And I'm still wondering
If you ever once
Thought of me
When you shoved the plunger down
Or if I was just another ghost
You didn't want to think about

I snap shut my diary
Not wanting to read any more
Not wanting to relive
What little amount of pain
I've managed to forget
Not wanting to reinfect myself
With the thought of you
I toss the scribbled out book
Into our backyard fire
Burning up everything I ever felt
For you
Vowing to never again fall
For another liar

Call me Queen Midas
Because everything I touch
Turns to ****
Which explains a lot
I suppose

I hate this town
I hate my headaches
I hate my heartaches
I hate...
******* everything aches.

I never thought I could hate
Anything
And then you happened.
And now I hate it all
Every breath, every grain,
Every molecule
Of you

But I don't really hate you
I just hate what you did
What you said
In actuality
I love you
I always have
And I hate that the most
It's a ****** up circle -
An ironic epiphany

You swore you couldn't live without me
Well, last I ******* checked
You were still breathing
And I was still gone
Maybe The Walking Dead
Is more than just a show
You watch
To eat up your time
And numb the hole in your heart
Where my name was once
Engraved

You promised me the moon
But I didn't want the ******* moon
I just wanted you
To be around

I just wanted you
To not text her
When you thought of me

I just wanted you
To grow the **** up and
I don't know
Maybe buy me roses or some lame **** like that

I just wanted you.
All of you
But you wanted
Nothing to do with me
And I would have given you the ******* world
But you didn't want the world

You wanted her.

I'm trying so hard to ignore the fact that I sleep
On the floor
Like a neglected dog

Trying to ignore that the heat's been broken
For two years now, in an apartment
I've never been able
To call home

I just want to completely forget how easily
My nails break when my hands grow
Tired of work
Because lord knows I never drank enough milk
And my bones are thinner than paper now
And I've never once brushed my teeth
Three times a day
Let's be honest, I don't even know what the ****
Floss is supposed to do

I'm trying to ignore the fact
That I consider myself lucky when I find a shirt
Of mine
Without holes or stains or burns
From the nights you left me bleeding
On fire
In the darkness of your shadows

Please, erase from my memory
That today is the anniversary
Of his death
And ours

I'm trying so very desperately to ignore
How my schooling has gone to ****
And we both know I'm lying when I say
I want to go back
Because I've never wanted to go back
To that hell
I've never wanted society to mold me
To tell me who the **** I should be
Well who the **** are you
Anyway?
And who is this "they"
That they always talk about?
And why do they decide
Who I get to be?

And to be quite honest, dead honest,
What I'm trying to ignore most
Is that I'm three months sober
Today
Every second drags on
Reality is a ******* joke
I said it,
Yeah.
I went there.
I'd rather be a ****** like you
Than a bore like them

But, really, I just want to forget
Everything that's made me who I am
Because I don't like
Who I've turned into
But I don't like
Who I was back then
Either

What I really want
Is to just start over
And hopefully,
Never be this overwhelmed
And never
Want to forget so much
About who I am

Ignorance is ******* bliss,
It really is.

We were just two kids with broken hearts
   Trying to piece together our lives
Sitting on the curb at the break of dawn
   Soaking up the blood in our eyes

How many times had I given up?
   How many times had you lied?
Honestly, at this point I've lost count
   But at least we can say we tried

You told me it's best to just move on
   And soar through the sky blind
Let the darkness surround me
   And explore the depths of my mind

I told you I'd already found another
   Who was nothing like your kind
He'd never rip my bones to shreds,
   Never drag a knife through my spine

And we were still watching the morning break
   With my head on your shoulder
I asked you just what went wrong
   You said our souls die as we get older

I stood up, nodding in agreement,
   Wishing the skies warmth was bolder
And you sat there watching me turn away
   Leaving your life that much colder

Am I the last person to find out
About this format?
I don't like it.
Can't figure it out.
Probably won't use it.


See ya HP!

Tonight on my lonely walk back
From your house
I thought about how
****** up
Everything's become

And how my heart
Is being wrapped in your web
So delicately spun
And while the lovers
Laugh with the moon
I'm walking home

Through the melting
Blackened snow
Over the glistening sidewalk
That reflects the dim streetlights
And my heart pounds in
My throat

I thought about how
Disappointed my parents would be
If only they knew

If only they knew
What rested between the skin
Of my chest and the
Padding of my bra
If only they knew
The green pill
With the 52 engraved

Was meant for me

To rid my head
Of all those words
You burned into my brain
Years
Ago


I thought of love
And how I will die alone
I thought of life
And how I waste it
I thought of music
And how it will never
Sound the same

I thought of her voice and her eyes and her
Bright LED smile

I thought of that girl
The smart one I loved
The dork who wasn't ashamed
To admit to her love of Xmen
I thought of the comic book nerd
The homework loving book smart
A student

I thought of
Who I was
Then
And who I am now

And my God, despite everything,
I thought of us.

And how I wished that the boy
Selling me drugs
Was buying me flowers
Instead.

But that's not how
It goes.

You've stripped me of any hope in romance.

And now
The only thing I believe in
Is amphetamines laced with
Guilt.

He wants this and she wants that
It's all about the score
And the grams and the money
The **** and *****

So many twists and turns
I never saw coming
So many strangers in my life
Turning tricks for nothing

I tried to rise up and
Out of this sketchy hood
But what is it about being bad
That feels so ******* good?

At first,
I was excited.
$27,
Straight profit,
From my state taxes.


After the pain,
The confusion,
The anguish,
The frustration,

Did I mention,
THE CONFUSION!?


My smile deflated when I saw,
It costs $27.95 to file the form.


***** you,
New Jersey.

If it was up to me,
I'd stay stuck in the dream,
And rest in your arms,
For all eternity.

You may say,
That makes me depressed,
And I would admit,
That just makes you an optimist.

I found an old poetry notebook of mine from my freshman year of high school and earlier. A lot of them are unfinished/short, so I figured it would be easier to just combine them all into one post. Enjoy =]
*

You may be a stranger,
But you have my soul resting in your eyes,
You may be gone,
But you've never left my miserable mind,
You may be over it all,
But I'm still stuck under you

__


Bittersweet poetry,
I just wish it wasn't me.

__


You're going to leave,
Well,
Where does that leave me?
I was happier before,
But,
Now I'm self destructive.
Please, just stay.
Oh,
I forgot about the pain.
I cause misery,
But,
That's why you loved me.

__


Dim lights,
Mismatched syllables,
I can't wait forever,
But still I sit,
Stewing in patience.

__


Those pale eyes once pierced through me
An angels gaze upon hell's horrors
A desperate plea to be divine
You could have anyone you wanted
Why me?

__


Those starless nights,
And cloudless skies,
A sea of darkened eyes,
I love only you,
After all we've been through,
Don't you feel it too?

___


I'm losing all interest,
In seeing the light of another day.
One quick selfish act,
And my pain just slips away.

We will be together in the end,
Where the sea meets the shore,
And my heart will finally bend.
I just might love you, forevermore.




*
For Paul.
The only man that could teach me how to love.

I've lived inside of clouds
And gazed through the
Kaleidoscope of life.

I've danced with the wolves
Engraved in my head
And held your shaking hand
All through the night.

I've watched you skip along
The line between the living
And the unknown.

I've propped you up
Against the angry winds
And walked you home.

I've killed brain cells
To try and delete the memories
Erase my mind.

I've smoked up my lungs
And prayed for cancer
To eat me alive.

It's all about image
All about how tough I look
But I know I'm dying
Just like you.

And truth be told,
I kind of enjoy that
You're dying
On the inside too.

Let's get drunk,
And fall in love.

(Possibly in that order)

The diamond girl's been ringin' all night
The world's strongest stone is cutting
Through flesh straight to snow white
Bone
Severed by a telephone line wrapped
Around my tissue wrist, disintegrating
In the sin of September, jailed for slicing
Alone

Wires criss-cross over my blackened eyes
Seven inches of glass can't seal out these
Broken screams that stab under my nails
Nightmares
The pills that slide down my throat swell
Inside my head, I've finally found insanity
Peace is internal, the chaos has always been
Out there

So hold me tight, shadow projection
Dig the hole with a needle, sedate me
Silence the terror and break in these sheets
Haunted
Cut, cut out those memories sunken
Into the depths of my subconscious
Pretend I was never the child no one
Wanted

The sweet crimson dances along
Every crevice full, every beige tile
Ruined, splattered, crying red beauty
Below
The splits in my ends pull apart
A half-hair strand dangles in the starlight
I wonder if I will ever catch up to the
Slow

I beg my flushed skin to rot right off
Pray my honey brown eyes grow mold
Hope and wish and dream for
Destruction
I can no longer breathe stale air
Or hide the scent of my own blood
No longer will I live under another's
Instruction

In the land of the forgotten

You're such a
Mother *******
*****
Get out of my
Life
And don't ever
Come back

Lay next to me
Please,
You don't have to
Do anything else.
No pressure
Just lay with me
One night
One moment...
That's all I ask

I never loved
You
At all

Why won't you
Just kiss me?
You know that
I want to...

What would you
Do if I
Shot you
Right here
Right now?
...What if I shot
Myself instead?
Right in my head,
BOOM!
Would you even
******* care?

I know how
I've treated you
And I'm sorry,
Oh, God,
I'm so sorry...
I don't know why
You keep talking to me
You're too good
Too nice
Too... perfect
I don't deserve
A friend like you

I hate
You.
I hate every
Little ******* thing
About you.
I hate the way you
Laugh
I hate the way you
Smile
I hate the way you
Look at me
I hate the way you
Breathe
Just get the ****
Away from me

I don't know what
It is about you
You've always tried
To make it work
Even when
I cursed you out
You never fought back
You just got quiet
Like you understood
...Can we please
Just be friends
Again?
Is it weird if I tell you
I miss you
Everyday?

It's over.
I'm done.
I'm tired of going
In circles with you
We're never going to
Figure this out
So why the ****
Do we keep trying?
Just erase me
From your life
And make this
Easy
For the both
Of us

And the whole time
All that I could think about
Was how I wanted to
Hug you
I just wanted to
Wrap my arms around
You
So badly
I couldn't focus
On anything else

You don't get it do you?
I'd only date you if
I was on drugs the
Whole entire time
It just hurts too much
And I don't know if anything
Could ever numb me
Enough to rid
Me of you

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Don't tell me to
Stop saying it,
Because you know that
I mean it.
I love you.
I've always loved you.
I love you...

Sometimes,
You make me
Wish I were dead
I can't go on
Like this
Anymore
Good ******* bye*

I can't
Imagine life
Without you
You make everything
Worth while
I'll always be here
For you
No matter what
I promise



But the worst part is
Your haunting silence...

Every now and then,
When I'm sitting alone in my
Pajamas, with a cup of hot
Chai tea and a dash of honey
In the morning
I sit against the wall
I breathe in and out
Once, twice, a few more times

And then I let down the
Gate in my mind
And my thoughts
Prance in the field of
Morbid dreams

I imagine my death
And I wonder just who
Would bother to show
And I wonder if
That boy, yeah, that one,
The one I loved for
Five years,
Would anyone even
Tell him?
Or would he be too busy
Shooting up, getting drunk,
Too busy trying to attempt
Inadvertent suicide?

I picture my mother
In her pressed black pants
And her modestly sequined
Funeral blouse that I've only
Seen three times or so
She'd rip the glasses off of her
Head and scream at my father
Why was she such a *****?
Didn't she know I loved her?

Yeah, Ma, I knew
I knew you loved me when
You grounded me for an A-
I knew you loved me when
You glared at the food on my
Plate,
After I hadn't eaten in a week
And huffed,
You're going to eat that?
Do you want to be an elephant
Or something?

I knew when you read my
Diary in seventh grade
And yelled about all of the
Deep secrets I wrote to paper
I knew when you told me
How disappointed you were
When you swore you'd never
Ever
Be proud of me

Then my mind wanders over
To my father
The big teddy bear
Graying scalp, icy eyes
His suit from 1977
That always made me laugh
And I let myself wonder
If he would even
Bother to cry

I skim across my friends
Druggies
Thieves
Liars
Cheaters
They'd miss me, wouldn't they?

Last, I ponder over
Who would show up
That I wouldn't even want
To be there
The people I've crossed
And thrown away
The ones I loved
And wrote off

I'm sure there would
Be plenty of those
Spewing lies about
How I used to be

And it all swirls together
Down Tornado Alley
My ex's lack of interest
My mother's bleeding heart
My father's vacant stare
My friends' misplaced grief
My enemies' back stabbing falsehoods

And I wonder if any
Of these people
Would honestly be able to say
That they knew me at all...



Meanwhile, the Christmas music
My mother loves to blast
Flows down the hallway and
Under my door

*Fa la la la la
La la la la...

The shaky palm of my hand
Skims my left flushed cheek
Crimson
A desire swims under
My tissue paper skin
Lust

Your lips pressed to mine
A silent promise
Love
Wings burst out of shoulder blades
Black feathers spread the floor
Angel

A twisted Cheshire smile
And you're out the window
Solitude
Broken glass falls around my frame
Cut up within the sheets
Shattered

Salty hot liquid pools in my eyes
Crying is not an option
Death
Empty inside, scraping my brain
Just one moment of togetherness
Saved

Imagining your strength
Seeping into my bones
Poison
I wonder if you were
Ever really next to me
Illusions

There is a sickeningly sweet
Comfort in loneliness
Shadows
With me, or not, I will never falter,
I'm pure. I'm a thousand reflections.
Diamond

This feeling is new
And old, in a way
But I never realized until
Just now
Exactly, right now
In fact, you're still waiting
For an answer
To your question

My friend,
His name is __
(****, I already forgot)
He thinks you're
Cute, and wants
To know if you're
Single.
What do you
Say?

Oh, oh God,
What do I say?
How could I possibly
Explain that...
That until
Just now
I hadn't realized
How in love I am
With being

Forever
Alone?

That I don't
Want to coexist
With another
I don't know if
I could
If I would
If I should?

Doubts, fears
Nerves, jitters

What if he's
Ugly
(What if I'm
Shallow?)
What if he
Changes his
Mind when he
Sees me in
Life
And runs in the
Other direction?
(What if I
Run away first?)

What if my complete
Lack of self esteem
Seeps through my pores
Like the bleeding wound
Just under my
Rib cage?

What if...

Oh, oh my,
What if I never
Again
Let anyone in

After you
Barged out?

And how dare you
How dare you!
Try to play cupid
After you
Blew me apart
And smashed the
Pieces into the
Dirt

I feel betrayed
In a sick and
Twisted way

And still,
You're waiting for
An answer.

Well,
So am I...

And I like to pretend...

I like to pretend that my
Thoughts mean nothing
That my heart's beat
Is drumming to something

I like to pretend that
The school bus
Wasn't
The first place that I
Learned to trust

I like to pretend that
This technology hasn't
Completely consumed me,
That I still have a chance
At saving or being saved,
That my soul
Isn't always running on
Empty

I like to pretend that
These skies can truly
Lift me into the clouds
That my pulse has never
Thumped so loud
That every night and
Every star isn't
Praying to tumble down

I like to pretend that
I'm a girl in a dress
Instead of the girl
In my head,
The one that's always
Swimming in a
Drug induced mess

I like to pretend that
These crayons make
Some type of valuable art
That my life hasn't
Been splattered on the
Walls from the start

I like to pretend..

I like to pretend that
The air isn't what suffocates
That the death of expression
Isn't why my heart breaks
That my thoughts have
Always found a way
To halt earth quakes

I like to pretend that
I don't know how to rhyme
And that these stupid
******* words aren't
Eating up all my time
That everything I've
Ever imagined was real
Outside the brink of my mind

I like to pretend that
The lighter's flame at night
Wraps me in faux warmth
Cozy and tight
That I've never dreamed
Of dying in spite

I like to pretend
That this world is real
That no one has ever
Taken my soul to steal
Every ounce of happiness
Away,
So that I could never again
Learn how to feel

I like to pretend
Because I never let the child
Die inside my head
And I've never let mild
Attacks boil my blistering skin
And I've never done
Anything I couldn't love
After a while

I like to pretend
Because it's all that I have
Left
Because it's the only
Thing that I've
Kept
And out the door you
Stepped
So still I pretend
Because it keeps me
Well slept

These demons in my head
Are no less real than the
Pills in my hand
Laced in glossy white
And pink
A heavy dose of
Dreams

What's the diagnosis
Besides my obvious
Inability to sleep?

Maybe I am allergic
To these bright lights
Strung around the world
In little clusters

Maybe I am repulsed
By the faint smell of
Pine diffusing off
Her clothes

Maybe I am appalled
At the thought of
Sugar plums twirling
In my ****** up head
While I try to rest
On the stone cold floor

I have a case of hate
A disease completely
Impossible to escape
Jolly is not a word
To me
Anymore

December, December
The way you make my
Pale lips shiver
In the frosty air
The way you make
The green grass crunch
Under my cut up
Feet

I think I may have
Loved you once
Many moons ago
Back when that
Fat guy with the beard
Was real

But now things are
Different
You make my nose
Glow red
And my skin
Dry up in flakes

And I swear,
Miss December
You are ruining
Every second of
Every day

Because it's so much easier
To place the blame
On someone who isn't
Exactly real

Now, back to the pills
Down they go
Along with my words
Along with the poem

Goodnight,
Miss December
I pray to wake in
January's light.

Emotion

It's taking me over
Ripping me apart
Piecing me together
But it isn't the same
The glue doesn't fill in the
Cracks and the tiniest
Of fragments can't be
Replaced
Like a broken glass
That you once loved
That you once would have
Given anything to
Restore
But it's gone,
Just like me


Poetry

I ******* hate it
I don't know why,
I couldn't ever really tell you
Why exactly
But there's a part of me that
Wishes I never
Rode this train
Never danced with words
Or documented these thoughts
I don't want
To look back on these
Stanzas, or whatever they are
And cry
I know I will
Years from now,
I will


Change

I need it so desperately
And yet I'm so afraid
So bottled up on the inside
Caged heart, caged mind
Wall after wall
In life? I'm a *****
Cold hard, rock solid
Ice for words
I'm relentless
I don't care about
Anything
Because I can't
If I did, I would simply
Die
Of heartache


Honesty

It breaks me
A cheese grater to
My skin
Muscle to bone
No one sees
No one notices
What I've turned into
After your death
Yeah, I said it
I ******* said it
You're gone and I think that
I left with you
Why didn't you just
Take me with you?


Death

I don't want it
At all
I don't want to experience
It and I don't want to
Watch it happen
And I don't want to
Feel the seconds escape
And I don't want to admit
That everything
Beautiful
Is impermanent.


Music

Flows through me
And I've never written
Anything without
My good friend
Mozart
Because I don't think
I could do anything
Without him
Don't be fooled by my
Tough exterior
I don't listen to metal
Because inside?
I'm mush


Loneliness

Is the only real
Company I've ever had
I don't exactly see
Eye to eye with the world
It's more like
Eye to fist
Or eye to throat
I'm not sure which
I don't think it matters
Either way
At the end of
The day
It's still
Just me

T* hough I know the truth
H urt still lingers in my breath
E mptying out into the street

M other to none, sister to one, daughter to two
O nly one slight problem, I want to be alone with
N othing to bother me, no one to disrupt my
S leepless nightmares, taunting day dreams
T onight I shall not rest until I find a way to
E nd these thoughts, but I will never
R est easy, not until I learn the meaning of peace

W hat have I become anyway?
I s this liar, this thief, this ******,
T he person I've always wanted to
H onor with the title of my name?
I s this black hole swirling inside my chest
N othing more than a shell of a human being?

W hy do I always end up asking the same questions?
I  may never really know who I am
L ike most drifters and loners and
L osers, I may never learn to love myself

N othing is worse than not knowing
E verything there is to know about oneself, it's
V ery unsettling, earth shattering, words don't
E ven make sense, strung together in
R epetitious strings, dangling from the ceiling

S till, a part of me, a very small part
U nderstands that my life isn't really about
B ecoming who I'm meant to be
S ometimes, it's about just learning to
I dentify with the face in the mirror, ignoring the
D enial that seeps through my heart, I know that
E veryone thinks I've lost my head. Well, maybe I have..