I push back my plans
The way that I kick back the leaves
And I let them rot
Into the ground

Hoping, maybe
That they will bloom
Later on in life
Dancing under the surface
Hiding underneath the ice

I'm left waiting, and watching
Unsure if I will ever truly decide

What I want to be
When I grow up

Tall and strong like the
Oak tree out back
The one that shaded me in the heat
And protected me from the wind

The one that stood without falter
Through every storm
A few branches fell
And crumbled down to the Earth

But the leaves needed some
Company, anyway
Didn't they?

Who am I, anyway?


Am I the laughter in the
Spring air
When she spins around
My golden brown hair?

Am I the pulse
In his veins
When he taps his feet
To the beat of the rain?

Am I the hunger in his
Broken iris
When he asks if there
Is more to life than this?

No, I know the truth.*

I am the tip of the
Needle injecting
These nasty drugs that
Pollute my dreams, infecting

I am the bitter tone
In his voice
When he swears that
I always had a choice

I am the poison in his
Deflated lungs
I am the venomous girl
That no one could ever love

I'm drained in every way possible
I can't turn to the pen
     Can't turn to the bottle
            Can't turn to my friends

Who will listen
When I have nothing
                                      To say?

There is the same constant
T o r n a d o
Swirling in my mind
R i p p i n g  
Raging chaos
B r e a k i n g  
It's way through what
L i t t l e
Sanity is left

My eyes are   burned
Bright red   blisters
Squeezing   shut
Tired of life, tired of   blinking
Tired of seeing the  world

I'm exhausted
Every cell          aches
Every breath              crumples
Every word                                 snaps

I'm not making sense
Anymore
Not that I ever did,
But still
Things are different
Lately

Every since I babysat that
Little girl
Who   held   my   hand
At her bedside
As I made up a story
About the princess
Who waited
            And waited
                    And waited
To be   s a v e d

And it wrecked me
When she asked me to
Stay with her
Because she was
                                          Afraid
Of the dark and
                                          Afraid
Of sleeping alone and
                                          Afraid
Of the monsters in her mind

It destroyed me because
        I could relate so well
               So I stayed to protect her
For just a night

I stayed even though
        She wasn't mine
                 And it broke my heart
That she wasn't mine

Because I don't think
                                     Anyone
Will ever love me
                                     Enough
To father my child

So I will never be a
M.o.t.h.e.r.

No matter how much I
                                         Long
To be one
No matter how many
                                         Tears
Drop at the thought

It suddenly c l i c k e d
In the darkness
Alone
With the monsters
That I may never actually
Give another
The gift of  
                   Life

And now my thoughts are
Murky water
And my skin is
Smothered a s h
And my heart is
A deep black hole


It breaks me

I will  n e v e r  have a little girl
W r a p  her miniature hand
Around my        f i n g e r
And  w h i s p e r  delicately
I love you,
                     Mommy.

Never.
            Never.
                        Never.

Glossy eyes blinking
Empty mind spinning
Day in and day out
The clock ticks away at my skin
Shaving off one breath at a time

One less moment spent
In this shell, this body
Is this my face?
Am I defined by these features?

Doe eyes that deceive
Liquid gold swirling around black centers
Hypnotizing the weak
Snake hair strands that
Freeze strangers to stone

Pale white skin, fragile paper
Without scars, untouched
No finger shaped bruises that
Match a hand like a well
Measured glove

Soft skin, straight nose
All two-hundred and six
Bones of me
Strung together as a reflection
Of my soul

Am I this person? This body?
This life? These words?
Am I my bad habits or
My horrible intentions?
Am I my friends or
My family?

Is there a difference
Between
Independence
And lonliness?

Am I simply a series
Of thoughts and
Feelings
Following one another
To create a person,
A life?

Didn't I come here
For something more?

I could scream at the
Empty sky for
Hours upon hours
Begging for answers

But there will be none
There is only solace
In the puff, the hit, the needle,
The snort, the swallow, the breath

Take me out
Take me away
Take me into the sky
I want to be just as
Empty
As everybody else

Buzzed
My brain cells might
As well be
Covered in fuzz
Sluggish and confused

This green is getting
The best of me
Just when I thought
I was done
That I gave it up for
Good

Mary Jane
Comes a'knockin'
On my door again
And you know me,
I could never
Turn a lady down

Shes in my lungs
Infecting my blood
Like a purposeful
Plague

Maybe this is the
Unconditional love
That I've been
Searching for
All along

But then again,
Maybe it's not
Maybe it's only a drug that I
Fall into

To escape
To avoid
The mundane
The boring

I wonder if
My health is
Worth

This feeling of
Disconnection
From the
World
That I long for

My cheeks
                               Flush red
And my knees
                                   Go weak

A school-girl
                                           Crush
On the new kid

Except this
Isn't school,
This is                       work

And my                           mind
Goes places it shouldn't
And before I know it
I'm                                          imagining
Us in the back room
Lip rings                                        entangled

I shake away the             thought
When you walk past
I try to                                          play it
                                                             Cool
But the only thing
That comes out of
                                               My mouth
Are quiet                                           stutters

Cheeks growing      redder
Knees                              weaker

Oh­, the things          you
Do to                               me

Of course
That's when
                                               She
Goes through your line
And                                             greets
you with                                              
                                                             A kiss
Of course
                Of course


How could someone
                                 Like you
Be alone
                                 Like me...?

I bite my lip and
I can taste the
Iron
In my blood
It's nothing compared
To the
Flame on my
Tongue
Those words that
Combust in my
Lungs

Our memories
Dance in my
Skin
You crawl
Through me
Again
Devils in my
Thoughts
Morality running
Thin

A yawn leads
To a
Collapse
I fall into your
Arms
A twisted
Damsel in
Distress
Try to
Save me
It's not so
Easy

Oh, my gentleman over the sea
Miles upon miles away from me
I can't count my endless dreams
Patch up my mind, take in the seams
This distance is taking it's toll
Wear and tear on my decomposing soul

Oh, my gentleman over the sea
You've locked my heart and tossed the key

He draws a drag
Of his Newport
Staring up at me with
Those knives he calls eyes

My stomach twists and
I can taste the
***** in my throat
From the
Disease we call
Love

I study his appearance
Thinking of how beautiful
The folds in his baggy jeans
Really are

My opinion is biased
I'm sure it's hideous
But I've always found a way
To see the beauty in him
No matter how hard he
Tried to hide it

Love

I try to scratch the word
Out of my brain
But it's no use

How happy I would be
If I could just
Live alone
With a million cats
And slowly progress
Into madness


And when he
Leaves
Because his cigarette has
Dwindled down to
The filter

It rips me in half
And my heart bursts
Into flame
Then to ash

Only to be regenerated
When he walks
Back outside
And slices my veins
With his words
It's freezing out here,
You going inside?

I prepare for the worst
Take a few steps
A few deep breaths
And concentrate on the
Pulse from
My internal
Bleeding, broken
Phoenix

I'm angry

Seriously, ******

Because people rake up leaves
Like they can
Control nature

Because in the third grade you
Pushed me down
Instead of helping me up

Because I never forgot
The day you
Apologized to me
And you can't even remember
Last Tuesday

Because Sarah Lynn
Isn't even my
Real name

Because I had to feed
Myself at the age of
Five
And I was raised by
A *******
Television screen

Because I thought the
Drugs could somehow
Fix everything
For me
And they just made
It worse

Because everyone thinks
I'm a lesbian
Simply because I've never
Had a serious boyfriend
But how could I
Tell them
That I never loved
Another
After you...

Because I step on the cracks
Praying I break
Her back

Because all of those
Songs
That I can relate to
Weren't really
Sung about me

Because when you
Finally
Told me how you felt
I pretended
That I was just
Sleeping

Because everyone
Turns the other
Cheek
When they see me
Crumble

Because no one
Will ever read these
Words and
Understand completely
Where I'm coming from

Because I feel like
I think too fast
And I know too much
And I'm too overwhelmed
To ever truly experience
Happiness

Because I'm the only
Person in my life
That I can
Trust
With anything
Serious

I'm angry
Because...

Because when he smiles
At me
My heart melts
And there's nothing
I can do about it
Because he's
Dead

Sometimes when
I walk home
In the morning
Before the sun
Is even awake
I play with little scenarios
In my head

I think it's something
Everyone does
But this specific morning
I thought of you
And that time in
Your truck
And I realized that
A part of me wished
You had just pulled
The trigger

Not because
Part of me
Is slightly suicidal
Or wants to
Die
Even though it is
Inevitable

Not because
I wanted
The school to
Shut down
And mourn for weeks
Over me

Not because
I've always wanted
To see the look on
Her face
When she threw away
My belongings
And skimmed over the
Words
I ******* hate my
Mother
In my preteen
Diary

Not because
I wondered what
People would
Say about me
And if their words would
Even be true

Not because
Deep down in my
Heart
I wasn't sure
If you
Would even bother
To show up
At my
Funeral

But I wished that
You pulled the trigger
Because then
Hopefully
You would have gone to
Jail
For my ******
And I know that sounds
Like a bad thing
Because I guess it is

But at least
You would have
A roof over your
Head
And three square meals
A day

And maybe that's
A weird way of
Thinking

But you really would be
Better off
Without me

I am not a poet
Because I don't have the
Vast vocabulary of most
And I can't tell you the
Difference
Between haikus and acrostics  
And I don't know
How many stanzas make up
A "good write"

I am not a poet
Because I'm a psychopath
And I sip my coffee
From the wrong side of the mug
And I open my banana
Upside-down
And I tangle my heart
Into knots on purpose
Despite it's resilience

I am not a poet
No, I'd like to think
That I'm the poem
But I'm not that either
I'm more of a chaperon
For life's chaos
I watch over the panic attacks
And I coddle the over doses

No, no,
I am not a poet
How can I be?
When I've been tipping
And tapping
My shoes in the hall
Just waiting for doomsday
I've just been hoping
Praying
For this to be simple
For the sky to come crashing down
Because then I can say
That the bills
The rent
The schooling
The mainstream *******
Was all meaningless

I am not a poet
Because I can't make a good
Rhyme
And I'm not as clever
As I used to be

I am not a poet
Because I often succumb to the
******* of others' words
Because I know that
They said it better
Than I ever could

And I am not a poet
Because I'd rather quote
Those before me
Than find strength in my own
Broken syllables

I am not a poet
But I am the raw
And deep
Bleeding sore on the side
Of your mouth
That you can't help but chew at
That you could never possibly
Ignore

I'm not a poet
Because these words
Really belong
To the wind
And my pulse rests
In the Earth's crust
And my emotions
Connect in the sky
And my fingertips
Are made from stardust

No,
I am not a poet


*Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And, the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star than your right hand. It really is the most poetic thing I know about physics: You are all stardust. You couldn’t be here if stars hadn’t exploded, because the elements - the carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, iron, all the things that matter for evolution and for life - weren’t created at the beginning of time. They were created in the nuclear furnaces of stars, and the only way for them to get into your body is if those stars were kind enough to explode. So, forget Jesus. The stars died so that you could be here today.
—Lawrence M. Krauss

Sarah Lynn
And Tracey


I'm drifting away in my
Study
Thoughts of her creep
Into my mind
The scent of her skin
The life in her eyes
I can't focus on my work
These days
The loss of her
Has corrupted my soul
And my bones shatter
When I dream up
Her faint whisper
In my ear

It couldn't possibly
Be real?

I whisper into his ear
Hoping he can feel me
See me...
So much was left unsaid...
So many deeds left undone...
Time was not on my side
I scream out from the shadows
Waiting
Wanting
Someone to hear
Me this day...
To feel me that day...
I want the memory of me
To hold him in
The arms of thought
To seal this day in
Eternity's flame...

What was that?
I swear I'm losing
My sanity
It's as though she's here
Somehow
As though she knows
The truth
What really happened
That night
The guilt is torturous
My paranoid eyes
Dart around the room
No one can find out
No one can know...

Truth?
In this shell of who I am
Now...I know his truth...
I want him to feel the pain
He caused me...
I want him to sweat beads
Of fear in knowing I'm still
Here...
Watching...him...touching him...
I want him to wear a symbol
Of my pain...
A stigmata for all to see...
A warning sign...
Bleed daily from this place...
And know
I'll never let you go...
My memory will wrap
Around you like a blanket
Of pain...
Remember me...that day

She's streaming through me
Like osmosis of spirit
Short of breath
Clutching my chest
The walls spin
The lights flicker
I run to the mirror
Frantic
Her hands on my neck
Cold and clammy
My mouth falls open
At the sight
Of myself
And the bruises around
My neck
Where her memory
Found a way
To strangle me
As the first repercussion
For what I did
That day..

*I'm finding solace
In your suffering...
I see you looking at
Your reflection in the
The mirror
And seeing
Me...
Reliving when your hands
Were around my neck...
The pressure, the pain
Until my one last gurgling
Breath took place...
Cold and clammy
I'll forever be...in this
Place you've left me...
Suffer with me unsettled
Spirit...
My breath is yours...
The sensations on your skin
Are the spiders crawling on
Mine...
From six feet under...
Don't go to my grave to
Find comfort...
Because I'm not there
I'm still your reflection
In the mirror~

An addict for
Several years now
I find myself
Huffing ink
And snorting paper
Because in this
Economy
I can't afford
Those expensive highs
Anymore

So I turned to the pen
To the blue and black
Smudges on my hands
But the pen is
Just as dead as my ends

Just as dead as me

Technology has taken over
And I have friends across
The Atlantic
And I have emotions bleeding
Into pixels

This instability
Is slowly killing me
What will my next
Addiction be?

I am only human
The fact that I am fallible
Is quite inevitable

But maybe these are
Subtle excuses
For my relentless actions
And maybe there has
Been a decline
In my wits
And my brain has
Rusted over

Every addiction
Lives inside
Waiting to surface
As though they are all
Old poker buddies
Sitting around the
Heart shaped table
In my rib cage
Placing bets on
My mortality

There must
Be some way
To crawl into my
Computer screen
And flow through
Infinity

Because this reality
Can't be real

This girl with the bags
Under her eyes
With the bruises
On her arms
With the regret
In her smile

Can't possibly
Be me...

I've never done
Anything
That you wanted me to do
I never danced
On a Wednesday night
In the middle of the gym
I never laughed
Over math books
During lunch hour

I was too busy
Smoking behind dumpsters
With total strangers
And I was too busy
Acting like a bad ***
And lying to you, Mom
Saying the money was
For a movie I never even saw

I've never done
Anything
That you wanted me to do
I never held a boy's
Hand, just for the sake of
Love
I never smiled
Under the full moon
Just to feel human

I was too busy
Watching him breathe
To make sure he never OD'ed
And I was too busy
Crying as the walls
Melted from the drugs
That you inadvertently
Paid for, Mom

I've never done
Anything
That you wanted me to do
I never felt
An ounce of guilt
For stealing from you
I never
Had the slightest desire
To tell you the truth

I was too busy
Pretending to be
The perfect daughter
And I was too busy
Covering up my life
Trying to keep
The stories straight
As I lied to your face

I've never done
Anything
That you wanted me to do
I never wanted
To become the spitting
Image of you
I never imagined
That's exactly
What I'd do

My phalanges shake under the
Blood red sunset
My heart beats rapidly
In my throat
My nerves consume
Every inch of my flesh

I'm sitting on that bench
Our bench
Outside that little store
Our store
And I'm thinking of you
Dreaming of you
And it's Autumn
And that song you played
Our song
It's stuck in my head
Because I don't think
It ever left

If only there was a way
To avoid this whole situation
Some way to circumvent
Around life

But there's not

And suddenly
I'm distracted by an
Angel
Or the closest thing to it
That I've ever seen
On Earth

Straight purple hair
Pierced septum
Thick black eyeliner
Cuts down her arms
Oceans in her eyes

It's cold
And I'm alone
And I'm waiting for you
And she's there
And my mind is spinning
And my heart drops
And my posterior goes numb

And I swear to God
If you don't hurry up
I'm going to follow her home

Because my mind is
Skidding off the fringes
Of sanity
And my emotions are
Twisting like pretzels
In a bakery

Confused and broken
The girl
That caught my mind
And stole my time
Walks by in slow
Motion

And the reason
That I'm so easily
Obsessed
With her
Is because she did
Something
No one ever
Could

For a few moments
She actually helped me

Forget about you

I wish all this
Twisted ****
Was just something
From my wits
A way to catch the
Attention of twits

That I was
Writing every poem
In a warm
Fuzzy home
With a life
That wasn't so
Dreadfully alone

The stories are true
The characters are
Tragically real
But stop acting
Like you can relate
Like you know
How I feel

I've seen some ****
I've been some places
I've stolen bags and
Cut up faces
I've tripped
For days
Came home wasted

No wonder
My head isn't
Feeling so well
No wonder
Everyday is a
Living hell
No wonder
I have all these ****** up
Stories to tell

It's the environment
That I so easily
Put myself in
It's my associates
That turned my
Pure soul to sin

So I take the blame
I take the fall
But if I never
Experimented
With my life's call
Then I'd have nothing
To tell you at all

I'm a *****
But there's a reason why I am this way
All those times he left me
Abandoned, feeling lost and betrayed

I'm a *****
Because I let him go get high
While I sat in the cold
Alone, with a baby kicking inside

I'm a *****
For loving him the way I did
I'm a *****
For never telling him that it was his kid

I can't tell you
How many times
I've hit backspace
Trying to write
This.. this.. poem
About you

About your death
And how it sits
So uneasy
In my blood cells

The horror of it
Plays in my mind
And I wish it didn't
I wish it couldn't

I see it all
Everyday
So vividly

The violent rage
Fueled by psilocybin
That you went into
As you slammed your
Fist through glass

The faces of the
Officers as you
Bled to death
On the floor
In front of your mother

The screams that ring
Through my ears
From that night
Slice through
My unstable soul

I miss you
Plain and simple
I wish there was
Somehow more time
Or a way to
Trade

I don't think that's
Possible

But I really would
Trade

Because the thought
Of my best friend
Losing her
Brother
Of sixteen
To drugs
Simply

Haunts my bones

We met in the laundry room
No, no
Not a love interest
Or an awkward stranger
No, not this time

A little girl
Alone
Maybe seven years of age
With big bright blue eyes
That staked my heart
Long thin blond hair
And a halo floating
Just above her head

Are you lost?
I asked
Curious
Concerned

She gazed to the West
And thought for a bit
Taking her time
And she split my soul
With the words
**Isn't everyone?

I have worked
My whole life to be
Someone different from
The woman in front of me

Pierced my bottom lip
And dyed my hair blue
Oh my God, Mother
I'd do anything not to be you

Don't get me wrong
I love you in my heart
But you make me so crazy
I don't even know where to start

I've never once heard you say
That you were proud
But you had no problem
Yelling Failure! at me so loud

My heart ached and a tear shed
All I ever wanted was approval
But in my head I knew
That you just wanted my removal

You pick and **** and pry
Sorting through my stuff
And then you sit and wonder
Why I always act so tough

I can't let you get to me
I can't let you penetrate the skin
I don't know what I would do
If you ever found a way in

I love you, I really do
But this relationship is a mess
You never tell me you care
Even when I'm at my best

It hurts to write this
It hurts to watch you lie
And when they say how sweet you are
All I can do is sigh

They don't know your inner layer
The devil dancing within
Oh dear mother
How I wish we weren't kin

But the part that really gets me
The part that eats me alive
Is that I will always be half of you
No matter how hard I try

If I could take you
Home
In my pocket
You know that I would
My Great-Lake state

I'd hide you in my
Closet
And lock you inside
My mind

For if Jersey ever found
You
She just might
Kick my Mid-West loving
***

This love affair is
Growing out of
Control
I find myself day-dreaming
Of the time we
Shared

You live in my skin
Everyday I long
To be reunited
With you

Detroit
Flint
Grand Rapids
Streaming straight through my
Blood
An IV attached to my
Heart

You twist in my head
I can't sleep
At night
No amount of
Counted sheep
Can cure
This disease

The aching pain
Of my soul split
In half
Well over
Seven hundred miles

I've taken
Trains
Buses
Planes
Cars

And if I had it my way
Nothing could keep us
Apart

I pray that one day
We will be together
Once more
I will leave her for you
I will
Just not now.. No..
You see, New Jersey has a bit
Of an attitude
And if I left right now...
Well..

It's tricky, my dear
But I promise

One day
Some day
I will be yours
And you will be my
Little mitten shaped
Love

And then,
Only then
We will know what it's like
To be
Blissfully happy

Igniting my anger
Scarring my skin
Pulling my hair
Making a noose
With the
Strands

You drive me up a
Brick wall
Straight into
Insanity

Boiling blood
Red in the face
Screaming
Spitting
Rage

How can you
Justify our
"Friendship"

How can you
Say it's all been
"Forgotten"

My temperature
Rises
I glare at your
Ragged clothing
You live out of your
Piece-of-**** Jetta
Homeless and
Hopeless

Oh, how I despise you
Ex-lover
Ex-friend
Ex-human being

I shrill out in disgust
Just admit it
I mean nothing
To you
These days

That's not true
You retort
Getting off your
Makeshift stool
From fourth grade
Outside your old
Home

Your finger slams into me
Poking my soul
Just get the ****
Away from me
Already

Speechless
Full of emotion
Acting without
Thinking

I slapped your
Face
And we tussled
'Til dawn
'Til the problems
Were solved


But

I still despise you
Ex-lover
Of mine

And you still
**** me with
Every line

The sunlight hides behind
Stubborn clouds
A few squirming
Beams
Make it through

My chest sinks
As my breath escapes
No words could truly
Describe
How amazing it feels to be
In my
Homeland
Again
New Jersey

Night falls
My feet criss-crossed in the
Street
**** squished onto the
Curb
Cigarette in hand
Filthy habit
Wonderful release

And you're next to me
Again

Like how it was
When we were
Kids

My teeth are
Chattering
Your hands are
Shaking

Here we go
Again

This story plays out
In my mind
For the hundredth
Time

And to tell you the
Truth
Even I'm sick of the poems
About you

Back in town
Back in my head
Back into circles
Again

I swear it never ends

But even in the
Dead of night
You stick a lily in my
Hair

And it makes everything
Bearable
For just a moment

Until you find
A new way to
Destroy me

Again

Some people think that as an
Adult
I can be a tad rough
Rock solid skin
But as a
Child
I was exponentially
Worse

Kicked
Screamed
Cried
Teased
Scratched

A walking terror
My father deemed me
"Crab-Apple Lynn"


The neighbors would
Whisper
Of that horrid five-year-old
Girl
That would push and
Tackle
The boys down the street

And on the night
That I kicked my
Brother's friend in the
Groin
And he tumbled
Down the stairs
Word spread like
Wildfire
That Crab-Apple
Had struck again

Notorious bully
Walking with balled fists
Kicking over Lincoln Logs
Smashing Play-Doh sculptures
Sneezing purposefully
Spewing out green phlegm
And wiping the boogers
On fellow peers
Half-grinning
At their cries

Feared by all
But respect
Was the one thing
The miniature version of
Me
Could not earn

And despite my youth
Despite the over-sized chip on my shoulder
Tiny me
Found a way
To flip around
Turn a leaf
Turn a page
Turn a head

Completely change
Altogether

And suddenly
Crab-Apple disappeared
And Sarah grew in
View

It was as though
Somehow, someway
The little me knew that

Fear is worthless

Our hands frozen together
Black masks
Backpacks
Running from the flashing lights
Down the street

They'll never catch us
No
This is our time
Our night
This moment
This breath
Is us

Sneaking through bushes
Mechanical
Zombied
Black clothes
Hushed tones

Blood pumping
From the rush
A law breaking
High

Like drinking
A full *** of
Coffee
All at once

You swim through my
Veins
Like an adrenaline
Plague

Eggs
Toilet paper
Paint
Krazy glue
Peanut butter

Oh, the hell we'll
Bring

The moon is full to
Bursting
The air is stiff
Lifeless

You and I
Multitasking mischief
Together
Bonding over
Cracked shells
And pumpkin guts

Giggling through the
Stars
Almost caught
Almost lost
Almost...
In love?

No! Not that!
No emotions
No adult things
On this
Our one and only
Night of fun

The night meant for
The monster that lives

Under our skin

Together, you and I have been through,
More than I would ever like to admit to.
I haven't forgotten seventh grade, the gun,
Held to my head as some type of "fun,"
The look of horror in my youthful eyes,
As you swore it was just a sickening surprise.
I wish that was the only time you had,
Almost ended my life, without feeling bad.
But no, let's not forget the hood of your car,
As you sped down the road towards the bar,
And as I screamed, you slammed on the breaks,
I flew off, later having to patch up the scrapes.

And now people wonder if I'm blind, deaf, or dumb.
There are no answers to give, I'm simply numb.
How can we still be friends? They ask.
Well I have to tell you, it's no easy task,
But I know a side to you that no one's ever seen.
I know why you are so afraid of your dreams,
Your life of solitude and constant insomnia,
Those lonely weeks you spent in California.
I know it all baby, I've always paid attention,
But you're a monster now, or so they mention.
So I have no choice, I need know,
I ask you in a low tone, cold and slow,

Where are we going? I could never really tell,
You respond darkly. **If we're lucky? Straight to hell.

4:17 A.M
   He gazed in my direction
   That awkward, gawky,
   Painter

4:18 A.M
   I blurted out my
   Greeting
   Uhm, hello..
   It was late
   I was nervous
   He was angelic

   Hey there
   His smile sliced
   Into me
   Inadvertently

4:19 A.M
    I sank into
    His eyes
    Blue as the sea
    His teeth
    Were an astonishing white
    Like foggy ice
    

4:22 A.M
    He had gone
    Out the door
    Swiftly vanished

4:25 A.M
    Calmed down
    Slowed my heart

    He was there

    Outside
    Cancer stick in hand
    Shivering in Winter
      
    Nervous again
    Cold tonight
    Smooth

4:26 A.M
    Blinking
    Sluggish
    He responded

    Cold every night
    When you're alone
    In this swarming
    City

4:27 A.M
    He stepped on his
    Cigarette

    And walked out
    Of my life

This world is ripping me to
Shreds
Someone has amputated my
Heart
With blood soaked hands
Gasping
I can't do this
Screaming
Get away from me
Pleading
Just leave me alone
Broken
Lock the doors, close the windows
Monster
I just want to live
Greed
Sick of the *******
Desperate
Get out of my head
Impossible
Negativity consumes my being
Relentless
There is no way
Out
Is there?

Smears of charcoal under my eyes
The white of my bones shines through my skin
Blood streams through the cracks in the floor
Horror behind me, horror above
Chained to the basement wall, ravenous
Awaiting my abductor, half curious
The door screams and creaks open
My body jumps, a frightened child
***** boots stomp slowly down the stairs
To the rhythm of my petrified heart

DEAD YET?
He bellows

My mousy chest no longer moves
Up and down
There is a sickening silence
Heart attack
Is there existence after this day?
No escape

He trudges closer, squinting at my shell
My once beautiful thin frame
Now resembling a Holocaust victim
Rib cage exposed, eyes locked

He sneers again,
I asked you a question

My voice box is being strangled
By the sadistic frog in my throat
The seconds tick as I find my words
Piece them together in my mind
And try my best to lock away my strength

You may be able..
Kick
To **** my body..
Steel toed boots
To slice me to bits..
Crack
But I promise you..
Another rib
You cannot..
Bleeding
****..
I can ******* decay
*My essence..

My mind was once entangled
In a twisted romance
Stuck in the complex webs of
L o v e

It was almost as though a
Lightening bolt had struck
My ever changing
S o u l

My eyes shifted upwards
When he walked through me
Using dialogue that could
K i l l

"I know that we've never met
But I have to tell you
Your fantastic eyes practically
B e a m"

Flattered and confused
My brain and heart lost connection
Unable to tell how hard I would
F a l l

I sank immediately into his skin
Becoming obsessed with his being
And I didn't even know his
N a m e

And suddenly it occurred to me
That falling in love with a stranger
Was nothing more than loving an
I d e a

So I let the only man
That ever captured my full attention
Turn around and walk
A w a y

Her heels clicked and clacked
Along the side walk
And her heart turned to black
As her **** talked

Fifty if you want a spin
He sneered and hustled
Even more if you want in
And her feathers ruffled

The ****** bag quickly dealt
With the customer
It never mattered how she felt
No one trusted her

Her eyes darted to the left
As she planned her escape
What some thought of as theft
She could call ****

She teased the man in room
Left him distracted
Told him she'd be in soon
After she practiced

Awakened and sober
She grabbed the knife
Quietly killed her lover
And gained a life

Now, suddenly free and alone
She never thought
Her body could be her own
And no longer bought

With nothing left to give
She no longer cried
The woman would live
While the ****** died

Your pupils were
Pinpricks
Last Wednesday
And I swear your words
Were slurred
Just a bit

Your mouth was in a
Constant frown
And you warned me
To stay
Away

But I didn't want to

Instead
I asked you what it
Was like
To breathe fire
And swallow glass

I was oh so curious
About the
Syringe
Cemented into your
Left arm

I needed to know
Why you felt the
Need
To inject yourself
With such
Addictive poison

You claimed that it was
All about the
Rush
And the way it made you feel
Alive

But I stood there
Confused
Because I couldn't possibly
Comprehend
How the drug that's killing you
Is somehow
Helping you live

I paused
And chose my words
Carefully

"You know,
Any addiction at all
Is just a
Hopeless reach for
Happiness.."

You laughed in my face
And promised me
That you were not
Addicted
To the drug
Or the high

But simply addicted
To the feeling
Of being alive

And again I was baffled
Because
I feel alive
Every time I fly towards the sky
On a swing set

And I feel alive
When I'm holding a child's hand
As she spins around

And I feel alive
When the Autumn breeze whips
My porcelain face

And I feel alive
When I etch my shattered heart
Onto paper

And I feel alive
When I hear a song I love
On the radio

And I feel alive
When I'm forced
To watch you die

Oh my lovely dear,
What a day.
Another complicated year,
In the play,
More commonly known,
As my life.
Where I've grown,
As a wife,
Married to the earth and sky.
And the moon,
Has always watched me sigh,
A delicate tune.


Oh my angel, it seems,
The world is not,
A place for you to dream.
Only to rot,
To wash up and fade away,
To pull apart.
To break in every way,
And lose heart.
Well I put up a fight,
Raise my fists,
Throw punches all night,
And rarely miss.


Oh my darling, you know,
It's my birthday.
And every time you go,
It's the worst day.
I tried my best to pretend.
Fake a smile.
But the nonsense had to end,
After a while.
Now I have grown tired,
Of my old fears.
And the one person I desired,
Has disappeared.

"The only thing
I remember clearly
Is taking a
Shot
With you
In the kitchen.
Everything after that
Is a total and complete
Blur.."

I mumbled the morning
After
Our night together
Alone
In your basement

Truth be told
I remembered it all then
And still remember it
Now
Years later

I sat on the edge of your bed
Peering into your eyes
As you held your old acoustic
And hummed melodies
To me
In a way you never had
Before

You breezed past all of our
Favorite tunes
Sometimes even daring
To sing a few words
Along the way
"Well maybe I,
Just set aside,
The fact that you were,
Broken hearted..."

And at the time
I thought you were
Amazing
But I think it was just
The *****
Thinking for me
Again

And when I laid down
Because the spins had
Finally
Kicked in
You put your guitar
Down
And asked why I had
Shut my eyes
So early


The night was still
Young
And I was still
Drunk
And the ceiling still
Spun


I tried to stay awake
And talk to you
About whatever you were
Ranting about
You said it was important
But it was so hard to
Focus

My ears eventually
Tuned into your
Signal
And before I realized it
You were approaching me
About things that
I really didn't
Want to talk about

You went on
And on
About "us"
And what we meant to
Each other
And how we were clearly
Still
Attracted to
One another

And maybe even
Still
In love


You spoke so seriously
On our relationship
As a whole
Friends or otherwise

And all that I could do
In my state of
Mind
Was giggle

And before I knew it
Your hands were touching
Parts of me that
I wasn't exactly
Comfortable with

And I wasn't sure if
I was allowed to feel
Violated
Or not

But I started screaming
At the top of my lungs
And I
Rejected you
Over and over again
And you stopped

Thank God
You stopped


The worst part
Was the look on your face
When you realized
We would never really be
Together again

The worst part
Was the way you gazed down
When I realized
I just completely broke you
In half


The worst part
Was the way you stayed
With me
That night even though
I shouted "No!"
Twenty-seven times.

You sat at the edge of the bed
Staring at me
As I pretended to sleep
And ignore
What had just occurred
Minutes before



"When will we ever
Figure this out?"
You finally asked

My eyes snapped open
And I whispered to the
Ocean depths of your
Deep blue walls

"Maybe
Never..."

I hovered in your hallway
Glancing at those portraits
Crookedly hung upon the wall
I stopped when I saw
The one of you
Five years old maybe
Holding a baseball glove
And smiling

Smiling
Not because you were
High or drunk
Smiling
Not because you just
Shot up some dope
Smiling
Not because you had
******* some *****

Smiling
Because you were
Genuinely happy
At that exact moment
In time

Smiling because
You were still young
And innocent

Smiling because
You hadn't even
Met me yet

I glided down your hallway
And into your room
You were on the bed
Sighing again
You looked right through me
And then stared back down
At the cracks in your hands

You started to talk to yourself
The way a crazy man would
In your situation
"Sarah," you whispered to the shadows,
"I miss you girl, more than you know.
How will I ever get over you?"

And that's when
I leaned over your mourning body
And kissed your lips
So gently
For the first time

You thought it was just
A weird breeze
But in your heart
I think you knew
That it was me

Kissing you goodbye
From the grave

My thumbs twiddle under the cracks in the sky
Prussian blue and a remarkable cool gray
Littered with hints of light dancing together
I let out a sigh, unable to take in the beauty above me

My veins shatter like a Halloween pumpkin
Prematurely smashed before the holiday
Smoke twists and lingers around my left wrist
I take in a drag, half wishing the cancer would kick in

My eyes close from the chill of Fall rushing by
Seeping through my rock solid skin
Leaves rustle and wedge between my squirming toes
I blankly stare, wondering if I will ever find my true home.

Valentine's Day
Was supposed to be
The day of our
First kiss

Finally

One of us was going to
Work up the
Courage
To let ourselves be
Vulnerable

Even for just a minute

The walk to your house was
Unbearable
I couldn't stop shaking
From the nerves
And anxiety

When I finally rounded the corner
And slowly found a way
To quiet the
Shakes

My mouth flew open
And hit the pavement
At the flashing lights
Blue
And
Red

"No. No. No. No. No. No."
I mumbled to myself
Racing
To your front door

I counted the pigs
One
Two
Three
Four

Four cop cars in your
Driveway
On our first
Valentine's Day together
The day of our excepted
Kiss

No.
I thought again
And again
Until I forgot any other
Words even existed

My legs couldn't move
Fast enough
Somehow I was in
Slow motion

By the time I reached your
Front door
I hesitated
Not sure if
"That's my boyfriend!"
Was a good enough excuse
To grant me access
To the crime scene
In your house

On our day...


Before I could decide
To knock
Or not to knock
The door
Flew
Open

And there she was
The girl I never really
Looked at before
In detail

Your sister
In handcuffs

I swear that I could see
Into her soul
With just a glance

I don't think I could
Possibly forget
That moment

It lasted forever

Her eyes sliced into
My heart
In a way no one
Ever had before

I could see it all
Right then
Her sorrow and
Heartache
Poured into my
Soul
Unexpectedly

I couldn't tell you what
The officers looked like
Or even what
Gender they were

I couldn't look away
From her eyes

Crystal blue
Like the shards of
Glass
That cut me open
And ripped me apart



Our first Valentine's Day
Plays over in my mind
On a constant loop

Not because we were supposed to
Kiss
And never did

Not because you didn't even
Bother
To get me a gift

Not because completely I regret
Dating
You in the first place


But because I knew that somehow

Maybe

I could have saved her...


But didn't.

Teased and taunted
Forever haunted
A breath or two
From black to blue

One cut up girl
Against the world
Holes in her chest
Soak up the mess

Her eyes grow cold
Her soul's been sold
She's left shattered
Broken and battered

I called out of work because I didn't feel well
Maybe it was the snuffles
Or the chills


Or maybe..
Maybe it was that thing you do to my stomach
The way it flips over and over again
When you say my name
Or flash a smile


I think back so frequently
Too frequently maybe


Remember when we were laughing on your couch together
Sitting dangerously close to one another
Then your mother came home
And you flew to the other side of the room
I still wonder why
You moved away
From me
So quickly


Were you embarrassed?
Shocked?
Confused?
Did you want
Nothing to do with me?


Had you not realized
How close I was
To holding your hand


I think back

To when you watched the Superbowl at my house
And we snuck out
To the woods
You shared your flask with me
Blackberry brandy

How could I possibly forget?


I remember the way
That you looked at her
And how it slowly cut my heart open
Every
*******
Time


It seems so long ago
That we tried
To build an igloo
In your back yard
And your mother
Called us crazy
And wished she could be

Young like us


But the memory that stands out most
Is when those words left your lips
"I'm just trying to cut
certain people out of my life."

It still stings


I remember every footstep
As I tried to escape
To another room
To another life
Just to let out a few tears

Alone


I can still taste the salty liquid
On my tongue
As you stood above me
Not apologizing
Not saying a word at all
You just stood there and watched me
Slowly
Break
Down


Until I finally had enough strength
To tell you how I really felt
At that exact moment
"Get. The. ****. Out. Of. This. House."
I screamed through the sobs
And you listened

And it still stings


So now
Years. Months. Weeks. Hours. Minutes.
Later
How are you still
Haunting my mind?


I see the horror in your eyes
The monster within

I see the track marks
And what they've done

I see the burnt bridges
And how alone you must be


I miss my best friend
So much that it breaks my heart
From time to time


Because I know
That underneath everything
You really are a great person


I don't know what you are so afraid of
But I can't do this

Anymore


Because now I'm left wondering
If all we have in common
Are
The
Memories

And it still stings


I called out of work today
Maybe
Because I just couldn't handle
The thoughts swirling around
In my mind

Or maybe
Because I don't know
What I mean to you
Anymore

Or maybe
Because I just wanted
A day
To recover
From those nights we spent
Doing things
That I'm still ashamed of

Or maybe
I really was just
Sick today


Sick of you
Sick of breaking
Sick of breathing
Sick to my stomach


I have to admit
My scratchy throat
Swings of nausea
Runny nose
And chattering teeth
Cannot compare to the

Hell

You put me through



But I've never called out of work
For you
Even though

It still stings