Emotion

It's taking me over
Ripping me apart
Piecing me together
But it isn't the same
The glue doesn't fill in the
Cracks and the tiniest
Of fragments can't be
Replaced
Like a broken glass
That you once loved
That you once would have
Given anything to
Restore
But it's gone,
Just like me


Poetry

I ******* hate it
I don't know why,
I couldn't ever really tell you
Why exactly
But there's a part of me that
Wishes I never
Rode this train
Never danced with words
Or documented these thoughts
I don't want
To look back on these
Stanzas, or whatever they are
And cry
I know I will
Years from now,
I will


Change

I need it so desperately
And yet I'm so afraid
So bottled up on the inside
Caged heart, caged mind
Wall after wall
In life? I'm a *****
Cold hard, rock solid
Ice for words
I'm relentless
I don't care about
Anything
Because I can't
If I did, I would simply
Die
Of heartache


Honesty

It breaks me
A cheese grater to
My skin
Muscle to bone
No one sees
No one notices
What I've turned into
After your death
Yeah, I said it
I ******* said it
You're gone and I think that
I left with you
Why didn't you just
Take me with you?


Death

I don't want it
At all
I don't want to experience
It and I don't want to
Watch it happen
And I don't want to
Feel the seconds escape
And I don't want to admit
That everything
Beautiful
Is impermanent.


Music

Flows through me
And I've never written
Anything without
My good friend
Mozart
Because I don't think
I could do anything
Without him
Don't be fooled by my
Tough exterior
I don't listen to metal
Because inside?
I'm mush


Loneliness

Is the only real
Company I've ever had
I don't exactly see
Eye to eye with the world
It's more like
Eye to fist
Or eye to throat
I'm not sure which
I don't think it matters
Either way
At the end of
The day
It's still
Just me

T* hough I know the truth
H urt still lingers in my breath
E mptying out into the street

M other to none, sister to one, daughter to two
O nly one slight problem, I want to be alone with
N othing to bother me, no one to disrupt my
S leepless nightmares, taunting day dreams
T onight I shall not rest until I find a way to
E nd these thoughts, but I will never
R est easy, not until I learn the meaning of peace

W hat have I become anyway?
I s this liar, this thief, this ******,
T he person I've always wanted to
H onor with the title of my name?
I s this black hole swirling inside my chest
N othing more than a shell of a human being?

W hy do I always end up asking the same questions?
I  may never really know who I am
L ike most drifters and loners and
L osers, I may never learn to love myself

N othing is worse than not knowing
E verything there is to know about oneself, it's
V ery unsettling, earth shattering, words don't
E ven make sense, strung together in
R epetitious strings, dangling from the ceiling

S till, a part of me, a very small part
U nderstands that my life isn't really about
B ecoming who I'm meant to be
S ometimes, it's about just learning to
I dentify with the face in the mirror, ignoring the
D enial that seeps through my heart, I know that
E veryone thinks I've lost my head. Well, maybe I have..

I push back my plans
The way that I kick back the leaves
And I let them rot
Into the ground

Hoping, maybe
That they will bloom
Later on in life
Dancing under the surface
Hiding underneath the ice

I'm left waiting, and watching
Unsure if I will ever truly decide

What I want to be
When I grow up

Tall and strong like the
Oak tree out back
The one that shaded me in the heat
And protected me from the wind

The one that stood without falter
Through every storm
A few branches fell
And crumbled down to the Earth

But the leaves needed some
Company, anyway
Didn't they?

Who am I, anyway?


Am I the laughter in the
Spring air
When she spins around
My golden brown hair?

Am I the pulse
In his veins
When he taps his feet
To the beat of the rain?

Am I the hunger in his
Broken iris
When he asks if there
Is more to life than this?

No, I know the truth.*

I am the tip of the
Needle injecting
These nasty drugs that
Pollute my dreams, infecting

I am the bitter tone
In his voice
When he swears that
I always had a choice

I am the poison in his
Deflated lungs
I am the venomous girl
That no one could ever love

I'm drained in every way possible
I can't turn to the pen
     Can't turn to the bottle
            Can't turn to my friends

Who will listen
When I have nothing
                                      To say?

There is the same constant
T o r n a d o
Swirling in my mind
R i p p i n g  
Raging chaos
B r e a k i n g  
It's way through what
L i t t l e
Sanity is left

My eyes are   burned
Bright red   blisters
Squeezing   shut
Tired of life, tired of   blinking
Tired of seeing the  world

I'm exhausted
Every cell          aches
Every breath              crumples
Every word                                 snaps

I'm not making sense
Anymore
Not that I ever did,
But still
Things are different
Lately

Every since I babysat that
Little girl
Who   held   my   hand
At her bedside
As I made up a story
About the princess
Who waited
            And waited
                    And waited
To be   s a v e d

And it wrecked me
When she asked me to
Stay with her
Because she was
                                          Afraid
Of the dark and
                                          Afraid
Of sleeping alone and
                                          Afraid
Of the monsters in her mind

It destroyed me because
        I could relate so well
               So I stayed to protect her
For just a night

I stayed even though
        She wasn't mine
                 And it broke my heart
That she wasn't mine

Because I don't think
                                     Anyone
Will ever love me
                                     Enough
To father my child

So I will never be a
M.o.t.h.e.r.

No matter how much I
                                         Long
To be one
No matter how many
                                         Tears
Drop at the thought

It suddenly c l i c k e d
In the darkness
Alone
With the monsters
That I may never actually
Give another
The gift of  
                   Life

And now my thoughts are
Murky water
And my skin is
Smothered a s h
And my heart is
A deep black hole


It breaks me

I will  n e v e r  have a little girl
W r a p  her miniature hand
Around my        f i n g e r
And  w h i s p e r  delicately
I love you,
                     Mommy.

Never.
            Never.
                        Never.

Glossy eyes blinking
Empty mind spinning
Day in and day out
The clock ticks away at my skin
Shaving off one breath at a time

One less moment spent
In this shell, this body
Is this my face?
Am I defined by these features?

Doe eyes that deceive
Liquid gold swirling around black centers
Hypnotizing the weak
Snake hair strands that
Freeze strangers to stone

Pale white skin, fragile paper
Without scars, untouched
No finger shaped bruises that
Match a hand like a well
Measured glove

Soft skin, straight nose
All two-hundred and six
Bones of me
Strung together as a reflection
Of my soul

Am I this person? This body?
This life? These words?
Am I my bad habits or
My horrible intentions?
Am I my friends or
My family?

Is there a difference
Between
Independence
And lonliness?

Am I simply a series
Of thoughts and
Feelings
Following one another
To create a person,
A life?

Didn't I come here
For something more?

I could scream at the
Empty sky for
Hours upon hours
Begging for answers

But there will be none
There is only solace
In the puff, the hit, the needle,
The snort, the swallow, the breath

Take me out
Take me away
Take me into the sky
I want to be just as
Empty
As everybody else

Buzzed
My brain cells might
As well be
Covered in fuzz
Sluggish and confused

This green is getting
The best of me
Just when I thought
I was done
That I gave it up for
Good

Mary Jane
Comes a'knockin'
On my door again
And you know me,
I could never
Turn a lady down

Shes in my lungs
Infecting my blood
Like a purposeful
Plague

Maybe this is the
Unconditional love
That I've been
Searching for
All along

But then again,
Maybe it's not
Maybe it's only a drug that I
Fall into

To escape
To avoid
The mundane
The boring

I wonder if
My health is
Worth

This feeling of
Disconnection
From the
World
That I long for