You think I don’t want to talk to you at all but it’s all I want to do, every second in every minute of everyday. It takes everything in me not to talk to you. I wish I could tell you all these things but I know I shouldn’t so I end up saying nothing at all. You say I deserve the world; you were my world, my whole entire universe. You were all the stars, all the planets, the sun and the moon. You were my everything but that doesn’t change anything. I’m sorry that I act so cold and heartless; it’s a defense mechanism. It’s the only way I can keep myself from coming back to you. So instead I keep my distance. I cant say hello to you and risk another goodbye, cause we keep fighting over the same thing over and over again. Endless goodbyes that’s all we have left. I know sending this to you is selfish, I should’ve just left it at “goodbye take care” but I just don’t want you to think of me heartless. All I ever did was try to make you happy.

I sat opposite Sophia
in the staff room

she crossed her legs
looked at me
smiled
her eyes twinkling

O I know
I thought
I know what this
is all about

but the others
in the staff room
didn't know
(thank God)
they chatted
amongst themselves
as women do
(I was the only male
in the nursing home)

but Sophia had that look
that look that said
I nearly had you
in that old guy's
bed upstairs
just now
nearly kurwa
as she
would have said

I sipped my tea
and ate the cake
cook had left

it had been
a near thing
the way Sophia
had thrown me
on the bed
with all her
Polish determination

I had to struggle
(yes struggle-
what was wrong
with me?)
off the bed

you not like me?
she said

course I do
but not here
not now
I had said

she uncrossed
her legs
then crossed
them again slowly
wanting me to look

but I looked
at the teapot
cheap
battered
steam pouring
from the spout

you want more?
Sophia said
across the room
more tea?

I shook my head
and all looked
at her
then at me.

When you're this close to death
Do you have time for prayer
When you've suffered this long
Do you really care
If they say it gets better
Cause I'm much easier to ****
Than I am to repair

I've heard sorrow is just weakness
And that depression is a crutch
They've tried to stuff me with "magic pills"
But... They don't do much

But that isn't what I want
I don't want a temporary patch
I want someone to be there
I want someone to have my back

"It's okay to be sad
It's normal to be angry
Don't let them say something
Out of the ordinary
You're trying your best
And I am proud of you
And just see those impossible things
As just little tests
You're doing your best in your own way
And I'm here to tell you that it is okay"

Does she sound so sweet
Unless she disappears like heat
But she's a mirror outside
Underneath, she'll mysteriously hide
Queuing for something
Unless she's bored with me
Everyone bores of me

She is the sound of silence
Elder to all and some
Not a chance to be
I just want to be happy
Oh, she won't see me
Rather you left again

Well is this what it's like
The longevity of a human life
The sorrow one goes through
As a result of one's own strife

Could this be what I've prepared for
What the schools, and the teachers
and the fools have fallen for
Why can't I go out on my own path
and try to get out of the way of other's wrath

So what can I do
to get out of the darkness
out of the hell
That I've created
from the well of my soul
and the pain that came out of it
If there's a light at the end
please.... Just bring it.

I came here innocent
Just as the day starts
Clean and free of evil
Then the darkness comes and breaks our hearts

They started to change me
into what I am today
and I don't know if you can tell
But I've become the monster of the demon's hell

They led me astray
Onto a path that's broken and frayed
When they told me to lead them
I refused and turned away

But in the nightmares of demons
Where I seem to appear
I walk around in peace
But that's what the demons seem to fear

And what will become of this monster
Will I continue on peacefully
Or give up halfway through
Whatever path I create for myself
I hope it leads to you